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The Huron News-Record, 1892-07-06, Page 2eadache IoM. w l3.a ooinplaiitt *ore 'Web many suffer 11 and few are entirely frees. Its 04uae to iudigestiort and At eltleglelr ling,, the Sure for whtah is readily found in WO of Ayer's Pills. , ">l have found that for sick headache, caused by a disordered condition of the ,etoxuaciy ,Ayelt'a Pills are the most, re. liable remedy.". -Samuel Q. Bradburn, Worthington, ldaes. "After the use of Ayer's Pills for many years, in any practice and family, I am justified in saying that tinily are au excellent cathartic and liver ni diolne-•r austainin all the claims made for them." W, A. Westfall, M. D., V. P. Austin & hT, W. Railway Co., Burnet,. Tease. "Ayer's Pills are the beat medicine known to me for regulating the bowels, and for all diseases caused by a. dis- ordered stomach and liver. I suffered for over three years from headache, in- digestion, and constipation. I had no appetite and was weak' and 'nervous moat of the time. By using three boxes of Ayer's Pills, and at the same 'time dieting myself, I was completely. cured." -Philip Lockwood, .Topeka, .Kamm. "I was troubled for years w1ti.indii- fconstipation, tss headache. el few boxs,of Ayer Pillusednma daily doses, restored me to 'healt They are prompt anti effective." = -W. -Il" Strout, Meadville, Pa. Ayer's Pills, ritzemen Iii Dr. J. C. Ayer & Co., Lowell, .Mass, Bold by an Druggists and 7JoaiesoiuMailfolntt ay ASSmcs The Huron News -Record 1.60 a Year -41.26 in Advance. Wednesday July 6th, 1892 WHY CAN'T THIEY MARRY ? A,young lady and gentleman are in love with each other, but will not marry be- cause the lady's mother's brother's brother in-law is the young man's father. What relationship' exists between the young lady and gentleman ? To the first person sending the correct answer to the above problem the publish- ers of 'Ane LAntr:a' PIc.roltIAt WeVeI i. will g've Seventy -Live Dollars in cash for the second correct answer Fifty Dollars in cash ; for the third correct answer an elegant Gold Watch ; for the fourth correct answer a first-class boy's or girl's Safety Bicycle ; for the fifth a French Aiusie Box for the sixth a pair of genuine Diamond Earrings in solid gold setting ; to the seventh a tirstclass Kodak Camera,, with a complete outfit for using same ; to the eighth a complete Lawn -Tennis Outfit ; tor the ninthian elegant pair of Pearl Opera Glasses ; to the tenth a Silk Dross. Pattern (in any color desired). Everyone answering the above puzzle must enclose with the same Thirty Cents infailver• (or ten three -sent stamps) t'orone months' trial subscription (five copies) to TUE LAniEs' PICtOREAL WEEKLY, Can- ada's high -Class Illustrated Newspaper. The envelope which contains correct answer bearing earliest postmark will re- ceive first prize, the balance strictly in order as received. All answers must be mailed on or before July 15th., Names.and addresses- of prize- winners will be published in our journal. Address LAMES' PICTORIAL WEEKLY, (44) Toronto, Ont. • PURE FPUIT SYRUPS. • Philadelphia Press : If the man who makes two blades of grass grow where only one grew before. is en• titled to bo called a public benefac- tor, certainly the man wise turns an odious stench into a pleasing fra• grance has a claim for credit which may not be ignored. The days of necromancy are not past, they are only beginning, and in a dingy red brick house on the East Side of this city a striking example of this fact may be seen an any time. There is propadly no person who regartts rancid butter as anything but a highly offensive substance and there a ore few,' outside the un- initiated, who can think of any seessleidaeruse to bo made from it than to throw it into the ash barrel. Tho initiated know better. There are few house wives and cooks who, when They flavor their Custards, pies. cakes, etc., with delicate es- sence of pineapple, do not imagine that toms of that Lucious tropical fruit are daily gatheresi by dusky natives from waving palms and amid scones of harvest revelry, are then squeezad of their fraiiant,juico for the special benefit of the Amer- ican palate. But the "trade" knows that the pineapple oil of commerce is realy butyric ether. Now there is no cause for alarm to the reader who first becomes aware of that fact by reading this article. Butyric ether is a cl a mingly fra• grant, innocuous, and delightful sub- stance, and. if the geninne pineapple itself were not pretty full of it that much prised fruit would command no hotter price than turnips, per- haps not as good. The only starts line feature is the fact that butyric ether, which tastes and smells so good in custard or soda water, is produced from the most horribly rancid butter. Turning water into wine seems simple alongside this modern miracle. The miracle worker takes his' rancid butter and mixes it into a soapy lather with potash and sul- phuric acid at first. This results in a thin oily liquid which has even a more persistently rancid odor than the the butter had at first. It is then celled butyric acid. Being disc tilleri with alcohol and more sal, pi -uric acid, the marvelous result is a fragrant and a together delightful suhatanco known ay butyric ether or pineapple oil. Used in modern,. tion it dons not harm the stomach, but it should not be used as a per. fume, because when inhaled it tends tea ewe ,jtrritetibii. of the air tom .arid intense headache, CAN VOU S)Q at A tIHAMa To #iUOW YOUIt >snnllLZAlt' IT] WITH wFinsTEit. Frew Merle and Drama. The followingrather curious piece of -composition '• was recently placed upon the blackboard at teachere'•inatitute, and a prize of a Webster's dictionary offered to aney Person •tvh0 -could read end pro pounce every word correctly., The book ansa not carried of, however, ea twelve was the lowest number of mistakes in the pronounciation made: "A -saotrilegious eon of Bella), who suffered from bronchitis, hav- ing exhaueted''hie finances, in order to make good the deficit, resolved to ally himeelf -to a comely, lenient and docile young lady of the Malay or Caucasian race, . He accordingly purchased a calliope and coral neck- lace Oa chameleon hue,aud securing a suite of rooms at a principal hotel he engaged the head waiter as a coadjutor. Hos then dispatched a letter of the most exceptional cali graphy extant, inviting the young lady to a matinee. She revolted at the idea, refused to consider her• self sacrificable to hie desires, and sent a polite note of refusal ; on re• oeiving which he procured a carbine and bowie knife, said that he would not now forge fetters hymeueal with the Queen, went to an isolated spot, severed his jugular vein, and dis- charged' the •contents of the carbine into his abdomen. The debris was removed by the coroner." TIIE INEXPRESSIBLE. Rev. Dr. Clinton Locke preach• ed front the text found in Genesis. vi., 5, 6, "And it repented the Lord that he made *ran on the earth, and it griaved him at his heart. The leading idea of Dr. Locke's sermon was that the use of words representing hntaa:n passions and tvaterial things to convey spiritual ideas often occasion misconceptions and misunderstandings of the Bible and Deity. In the text quoted God is represented as repeutiug and grieving. Intelligent men, as well as fools, often take mord sused as these are in the text to have a literal significance, and have •the understanding. that God repents, hates, smells, tastes, and does other things common to humanity. Be- ing unable to reeoucile these thoughts with their conception of God, they remain estrangoc to the Christian religion; Yet the sante Bible that attributes human passions and feelings to God says time and.again that God is not a man. It is evident that words, the use of which is misunderstood, will surely misread.. Really serious objections to the Bible are often raised on this account and when one meets with such it is his duty to respond that God does not liter ally do such things as are attributed to Him in the text. The scriptural and pulpit use of these worri,s is un• reasonable and illogical, but un- eioidablo. We are compelled to use words that we know, to express things that are far above the speech of ma 1. If reason only was used, inc would have no need for words. One speaks of reaching conclusions, coming at conclusions; jumping at conclusions, and the like, yet in reality he does nothing of the kind. In the strict, original rise of wor.da. he eau neither reach, cane, nor jump at conclusions. But language is almost entirely figurative; the meaning of words representing originally material things has been extended to spiritual ideas and con- ceptions. The Bible has to be written in .the language of mon, in order to be understood by men. for whore ft is intended. Hence it is full of vain attempts to express per- fectly inexpressible ideas, such as 'infinite love, infinite grief, infinite repentance, and kindred thoughts. • The Bible was written thousands of years ago, when language was not as flexible, fertile, and beautiful as it if now. Being human, we can reason only es men; though they are antagonistic, man and God are both reconciled in Deity, all thoughts of which, if expressed, must bo given iu the language of men. CANADIAN CURRENCY. -George Walker, J. P., an old resident of London township, is dead. -The Conservatives of Manitoba expect to carry twenty-six of the forty seats in the legislature. COTTAGE FOR RENT A frame Cottage on Albert street and half acre of ground and fruit trees. Hard and soft water. Stable and driving aped. will be rented reasonable with or without ground. Apply to CHAS. SPOONER, Grand Union Hotel, Clinton. 712-tf STRAY CATTLE Came to the enclosure or the undersigned, lot 21, con. 6, Township of Hullett. on or about the 160 of June, stx YEARLINGS --three steers and three heifers, The owner is requester( to prove property., pay expenses and tike them away. W. J. MCRRTEN, Summerhill P,0 Hallett, Juno 22nd, 1802. 712..4t TILER' BIPIMUMOBTUtt tto w. otll.d wiieb strewberrit,s to be any otbolr co1pr f We aseOelate red with "ens as tx�e do blue ,withviolets,Sweetas oiloxe wind fanned Front the gardens of Paestum. The strawberry is condensed lutsoiouenails, so dainty it seems fitted to grace esthetic occasions, and 'does it • net? Wbat would close day be without. strawberries to give color and deliciousness to the spreedi or the .many festive ocgafiione that crowd the month of June I N: sonnet to. the strawberry 'hue come down the agesfrom the classic Greek, and while Virgil dilatoses in glow. ing periods upon the culture of the grape, he alludes only briefly to this fruit in "Ye boys that gailier flowers and dt-awbstries.° Wild flowers of the meadows, one infers, perhaps arethusa and wild straw- berrieR, that ripen near thein. Fregaria Vesta.; which was the e rawberry of the ancients, but tlror'a is no proof that it was cultivated by either the Greeks or the Rom-. ans. The strawberry received its rivet impetus frorn the Anglo-Saxon race, who early p.ized it as a de - Haney, and, with their love for the country, to go wild strawberrying hemline a pastime.. Snenceralludes to this custom of the English in the "Feerie Qceeno."• They must have been cultivated' at a very early period in the gardens uf London, for Shakespeare repeats; edly alludes to them, and locates; cheat there as early as tui' reign of Henry V. The poet, who lied brought to London with him from his country home in Warwick. ' Shire a love and knowledge of wild flowers end uld..!aahioned garden flowers that thrills out in his plays In peseegee of consummate beauty, knew well the characteristics of b'ragaria vesce, 'the wood straw- berry, the only species growing wild or cultivated in England, and its want of adaptability, reproducing itself exactly from year to year, and from age to age. But the English no doubt fount) especial merit in its unchangeable flavor and rounded shape, and were content with it, eateetuiug it justly a great luxury. The strawberry leaf was euwrought in the ducal coronet, and appears' there to day, and on the coat of arms and other insignia of the realm. The oft quoted remark that the genial angler, Izaak Walton, has preserved"fur us from Dr. Dotes ler, must have been elicited by the wood strawberry, "I)otibtless God conic] have ueide a better berry, but doubtless God never did." STREET ETIQUETTE It is decidedly ill-bred to eat any- thing, nything, even confectionery, in the street. Look out that you do not discuss politics, religion or love affairs in a public conveyance. No woman, unless in feeble health, should cling to a man's arm during a daylight stroll. Personal matters should never be introduced at a chance meeting if the third party is not conversant with the facts. No lady will accept a seat vacated by a gentleman for her convenience without giving in return a smile, a bow, or thanks. It is optional nits a lady to ree cg Iize at the second meeting a gen- tleman who has upon a previous. occasion rendered, her a service. Never swing your arms when walking unless quite outside the town. ' If free from observation this will be found 'an excellent means to help locomotion. - Bandyiug words with an employe of a company is a pure waste of time. Should he be insolent or un- raasonable take his number and com- plain to those in authority. Street flirtations are in this en• lightened age regarded as the height of vulgarity. One breach of good taste in this direction is enough to destroy your claims to good breech- ing. reeding. Remember that the knob of your parasol is not a bonbon, although from the industrious Winner which some women feed upon it, one might be led to think so. -The Unionists of Leinster, Munster and Connaught held a con- vention last Thursday in Leinster hall, Dublin. The hall was crowd ed, Many Irish peers were present and the Earl of Fingal(, Roman Catholic, presided. A letter from the Duke of Devonshire excited great enthusiasm. It exhorted Irssh Unionists to unswerving al- legiance to the undivided empire, and to persistent opposition to all attempts to abandon them to the caprice of an Irish Parliament. The Earl of Fingall promised that his fellow•Catholic Unionists would support the Protestant Unionists in their unwavering opposition to sep- aration. The convention hall was decorated with flags and festoons and pictures of Lord Salisbury, the Duke of Devonshire, Joseph Che,m- berlain, AIr. Balfour and other Un. Tonist statesmen, A Veleceleatin, -,.. ,..,.. Small fellelw;lbiil of ,tialSy c0lurp9uP(W1Q We (sell( tolzetiter, deer,°ceestralue l to. go Diverging way:, Vet day by flay 1 know Aly lire ip sweeter for illy llfo.'s sweet grace Altd It ere taw but tor a alloluetit's space. Thy touch, thy word, sets all the wtlrle *plow,' Faith sears serener, bauating. doubt, sini, low, Abashed before tbe sunshine of thy face. Nor press of crowd, nor waste of 'hetaece serves 'l'o part is, every hush of evening brings Some hint of thee, true -hearted frfeud of thine, feud as tie. farther planet thrills and swerve; Wheu totvat•ct It throng( tee dm'aueee Saturn swings, Even a0 my spirt feels the spiel of thine. -Sophie Jewett. NIPPED IN TUE BUD, A savant at work and a *avant at play 1 What a different crea.t.u•e i Of the many who were accustomed to listen to hint with deferonee and respect at various gatherings of the learned, how few would have recog. nized him now t Mr. Theodore Grimshaw could never have been very young. 1 thiuk. He, was sixty five at the date of this little nurrative, and had friends as old as himself, who main- tained that in Itis school days he was not in the least like a boy and that in early man- hood he was as little like other youug men $o=ld well be iniagined. • Throughout his parchment -like exist- ence Mr. Grimshaw (tad been absolutely impervious to the tender passion. His warmest feelings were those w tial he be- stowed upon the future of Africa as a colony ; while the interest he took in the water supply of his neighborhood •was stronger than any ever won from him by blue eyes or brown. In the calm security of his wealth, noted ability and dried-up temperament, Mr. Theodore Grimshaw went to dine one even- ing at •the house uf a married friend, au M.P. of expansive waistcoat and with the unconquerable conviction that the import- ance which attached to him in the rural district he had the honor of representing iu Pat•liatneut was equally felt in London. As this geutleman kept an invaluable cook and gave rnany dieners no one interfered with Itis harmless delusion. . But the M.P. had a sister, and site was a widow. The widow was just under forty and in the fu.l possession of much beauty which, as the dear departed could no longer value it, she now desired should be.a comfort to another. She thought Mr. Griunshaw looked lonely, and it was but a short time before she ou viucted kiln that he eves so. 'Ib seemed that iu proportion to his for- mer callousness !tlr. Grimshaw was now to suffer the tortures of love. His 'fair one first. attracted, then repelled hint, and it was just three weeks after the dinner party at which they had met that the elderly gentleman by an effort of his mighty in- .telleat pulled himself together and resolved to ask the momentous question, With extraordinary care he dressed him- self, and was caught by his soft-steppiug valet in the act of gracefully bowing and presenting a hair brush to himself in the cheval glass! Could the, astonished man have seen the choice bouquet with which his master afterwards ascended the steps of the M. P.'s house he would have understood better why the hair brush had been practis- ed with. The flowers were accepted gracefully; and although suffering from such thumps of the heart as Africa had never given hila, Mr. Gritnshaw felt pleased at the glow of courage which inspired him, aud fell to business. "1f I may hope—" he softly whispered, and the widow dropped her eyes and blush- ed. Shc had long decided that his fortune and the carriage it would enable her to drive in were, worth a real blush. She yielded her plump hand and returned the faintest pressure. "MJ life shall be devoted-----" "What remains of it," mentally cor- teeled the widow, with a critical glance at the bald patch on her suitor's head. "To your happiness," pursued Mr. Grim- shaw, The conversation then turned on place of residence. He had always lived in Lott• don ; but -would she like the country bet- ter ? She would not have him change his habits for the world -country places were mostly damp. Yes, she adores flowers, but where were they so beautiful es in London ? Thus far alt went well. Visions of a quiet residence where art should render everything as harmonious and beautiful as.the hotneof such. a wotimaa-shpt ixll lie °flitted deliriously througlr.Lhe "ltxp; v. the happy Mr. Grimshaw, and with impas- sioned fervor be flung himself on his knees and implored the a<dow to name the day, �t Silence, save for their awn voice;, had reigned supreme. Flowers bloomed 111 the balcony, sweet scents were waited iu by the gentle breeze of early sunnier, and, fun the first time iu his life, Mr. Grimshaw felt young. If be had only locked less withereu his ardeut attitude might have *roved a stone. - With gentle hesitatjon the widow listen• ed, and WORN stave speedily fired an early clay while praying for delay-, but in place et her dulcet accents there rang out clear upon the silence a child's shrill voice from the. adjoining room -only divided ft•oun this by heavy curtains, through whi;at a pair of blue eyes peeped eagerly. "Coale, Nelly ! Conie and sec the funny old gentleman saying his' prayers to team ma !" An electric battery could not have caused Mr. Grimshaw a greater shock. First, his mortification that Itis most sacred privacy had been pried into ; next, that terrible word, "Immured" "You have children, then ?" lie inquired in an aggrieved tone. "Of course; every one knows that I have five !" announced, with some petulance, the fair widow. "I did not know it. madam. It is alto- gether unfortunate -I -ah -can't heal children." "Say no more, sir," Ioftily interrupted the injured lady, sweeping from the room. All Mr. Griuishaw's friends can now re- cognize him age' •, and from his calm and uninterrupted interest in the colonies to be established in Africa and the water auppty in London the world reaps a rich harvest - or will, some day. Lightest Bicycle In the World. Berlo, a European bicyclist, has had specially made for hien the lightest pneu- matic -tired safety bieicle ever made in the world. It weighs exactly eighteen and one- half ponnds. The average weight of racing "safties" is twenty-five pounds. Berle had to "honeycomb" the nuts, bolts and wash. ers and lighten the frame even more than the most reckless manufacturers would have dared. The ties weigh two pounds eight ounces. The 'rear wheel is twenty- eight inches. The machine is geared to sixty-eight inches. The rat -trap pedals weigh exactly twelve ounces.-Sparo Mo- ments. v .IV' , x e A SHR1,TC?WN .Pk1(�N1 4 a se / : %l t ti '; R AND TRIVIAL THE JQKERS.' C),.t18 $E.Np: A BIG raRIi THIti WEEK.' , feseagereellit ifelesore01P3Atn.tlta,ppl>i4ndI *1 'only f?optewporarle+r •Witt ASO; ., U3tumor A.bont AIS Seale of leesijr+Ii► wbirg* hl small compass. . ,. Teacher (who has just chastised Tommy in the usual place) -Now go and sit down ! Tommy -0 1 boo-hoo ! Don't you thunk, you have punished me enough already, Puck. A ailor's goose -the dude. -New York Hera 1 , Sneezes are like misfortunes -they stele p ; dom come singly. -Boston Trauscript, • The man with horse sense is not always &' found at the race truck. -Galveston News. The devil can sometimes be very well be- haved when he is working for a big price.-. Rata's Horn. A crowded street car is the plane to sec men stand up for woman's rights. -Chicago Inter -Ocean. • The people who kicked at "Grandfather's Hat" found there was a brick in it. -Bos- ton Transcript. "What is the lightest summer fiction you know of ?" "The sunitnor girl's 'I love you 1' "-Chicago News. It isn't the man who oftenest breaks his word who is the best authority on parts of speech. -Boston Courier. The dog that loses his master is without a friend, and se are some men when they lose a dog. -Binghamton Republican. "Johnny, are you teaching that parrot to swear?" "No'm. I'm just telling it what it mustn't say." -Washington Star. She -Why do you call me your "pet pastry ?" He -Because you're a little tar'.', occasionally. -New York Journal. There is always room at the top ; but the ' ;j '1 average traveller prefers a lower berth on a sleeping car. -New Orleans Picayune. (i It was a real turtle that won the race ' against the hare. A mock turtle would have got in the soup. -Boston Transcript. The fairer sex will coincide "} With us while we maintain That ouly "cattle" try to ride ;) Tlpon a lady's train.-Puck."This is what I call high comedy," said the baseball player who had been fined $20 • for having fun with the utupire.-Washing, • • i; ton Star. Mrs. J. Brown Stone -After all, the, I pluinlier who was working for us is a very satisfactory man. Mr. Stone -Yes; he ----tet fills the bill. -Puck. - `i Miss Blossom -I didn't see you at the ) Barclay ball. Miss Budd -It was probably because I was surrounded by men all the• time. -Brooklyn Life. . Lovely 'woman may not know much about politics, but she can tell howl ucli another woman's dress cost tirard a liar "Well ! I thought I was a goner that Lime."—Life. , A MYSTERY EXPLAINED. • If Women Were Left -hooded They Could Alight (tetter Front Street Curs. She half rose from her seat, glanced to- ward the rear of the open car, and,. raising her parasol, signalled the conductor on the rear platform that she desired to have the car stopped at the next corner. As it slow- ed, she stood up and stepped to the side, shifting her parasol from the right Band to the left and grasping the arm of the seat with the disengaged right. "Wait till the car stops, please," the con- ductor shouted. She glanced up with a slight expression of fright, and the conductor ran along the foot -board at the side to assist her, but she did not wait for hitn. She stepped down while the car was in motion, and when the car stopped with tt slight jerk she had her left foot on the pavement. She had kept Bold of the arm and was about to release it, and put downs the other foot, while facing to the rear, when the jerk threw her off -ner from falling. She smiled her thanks and stepped away. The conductor blew his whistle and started to return to the platform. "There's another," he remarked to a se• rete and observant individual at the end of the next seat. "A woman never gets off a cur while facing the right way ; at least I've never• seen one. If she'll wait till the car stops it's all right ; if 'not it's all w-tnng, "' l'isn't • her fault," tate individual re- marked, -Hue !" "No, It's the fault of the car, or the company, 1 mean." "Hair !'' "'Of course. rm not saying a word about grasping corporations or anything of the like, but I say its the fault of the com- pany," "1'31 like to know how," the conductor said, suggestively. "We do anything we can 10 help 'ern." "That may be so, but the company ought to change the direction of its lines or start a movement for the development of ambi- dexterity," the pnilusopher remarked. "Whitt?" "Ambidexterity -ability to use both hands," the philosopher explained. "The trouble is that most people can use the right (sand only in grasping anything, with confidence in the effort --women partieular- ly. In this country the cars pass to the right, and ns it is safer to alight from the side nearer the sidewalk, it is very natural for a woman to grasp the arts of the seat, or the side of the rear ptatfornr of a closed car, before stepping down. Now, if the cars ran the other way-, to the left, women would get off from the other si,le and would use their right hands. If a woman gets oil' now at the side near the track she uses her right (rand, and is not pitched backward. Yon watch the next time. 1f women were' left-handed, the present system would be all right, but thy are not." "1 never thougnt of that," the con!uctor said. "It has always boon a Mystery to me." "1)o von think they'll change?" the; philosopher asked, "The company." "No, nor the women, either.'" - ereassn,•Ing. "Have yen ever had a wreck, captain?" asked the nervous pesscytger. "No, ma'am 1" replied the afli ter ; "I'm a SlWeckless man." away as she can sea -Somerville Journal. We would walk the street with heart elate If we had but half the knowledge To -day possessed by the graduate Who is just about leaving college. -New York Press. If a man tells you that he has never made any mistakes in Isis life, you may be pretty sure that he has never done anything worth mentioning. -Somerville journal. Tom --Jessie has something of the mili- tary air about her. jack -Never noticed it. What? Toni -The agility to which she lies to soros.-New York Herald. Qualified. -She -Do you think Veer Aulietn can get into the 'smart set?' He - I don't see why he shouldn't ; he's not very smart, you know. -Brooklyn Life. Satan --Did you torture him well? Asmo- deus-Yes. Satan -What did you do? Asmodeus-I asked hint if it was (not enough for hitn,-New York Herald. He -Darling, if I give you such an 'ex- pensive engagement ring we can't get mar- eie<2• -,:so soon.. She -Never mind, dear.__. For your sake I can wait. Harper's Baur. Mamma -Why did you run off from, school . and spend the whole- day rowing about the river ? • Boy --Papa said he wanted me to prepare for college. -Good News. Hello, Jones; what are you doing withe your coat buttoned up to your chin ? Are ycu sick?" Jones-IFush, don't mention it ; I have on a tie that my wife selected. - Chicago Inter -Ocean. . He -The bee doesn't get into girl's bon- nets nowadays. •She -Why is it? He - Doesn't dere to ; she would have him pinned on the outside in no time as an ornament. - New York Herald. Judge (to rugged tramp) -In your pocket has been found a pocketbook with $20. Can you account for that? Tramp -Certainly, your honor..- I had put it there to pay my tailor.-Fliegende Blotter. Ella -Do you believe in signs, Aigy, dear? Algy-Tc tell the, truth, darling, I always 00118 a little superstitious. E la— Well, there is a 'sign over there that says 'Ice Cream,' -Harvard Lampoon. "So you aro going to bring out your play ?" "Yes." "\\'ho arc your star ac- tors?" "Star actors? Why, bless you, they are all stars." "All stars?'' "Yes. It's an amateur company, you know." - New York Press. A. --Why have you thrashed your son so unmercif ully? Peasant -,Because he dream- ed last night he won 500 marks in the lot- tery and then went and spent every cent of it on a bicycle.--Fliegeude Matter. Pompous judge -I hope you have much practice? Young lawyer -Yes, I have, thank you. "I am glad to hear it. And iu what branch is your practice mainly?" "Mainly in economy," -Texas Sifting Teacher -You have written stat swan with a possessive 0148 sign -state's man. That is incorrect. Boy -Doesn't the stato own the man ? Teacher -No ; the states- man owns the state. -Good New Dottie—Are you going to wear�lur red and white blazer at the seashore again this summer? Lottie -No, indeed. I hadn't been there a week last year before I Was proposed to by three barbers.-CIothiet' and Furnisher. Mrs, Chugwater-Josiah; if the people Of Mars are trying to talk with us, as seine folks say, what do yon suppose they arc doing it. for ? Mr. Chngwater (absorbed fit his newspaper) -They want to know what the score is, I reckon. Don't bother 1110, Samantha. -Chicago Tribune. 1 .