The Huron News-Record, 1889-02-27, Page 4r
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Weclttest!'lye Feb. 2701, 1889
CURIOUS EPITAPHS.
- It is not very easy to classify
epitaphs. Some are laconic and
pointed, others prosy and poiatlebs ;
while many in their curious conceit's
and quaint oddities are found
eh host endless in their diversity.
'Hero I lie, taken from life,'
is the somewhat smart inscription,
placed over a phntographer'H grave.
In Bellingtou Churchyard is the
following :—
Poems and epitaphs are but stuff ;
Here lies Robert Burrows—that's enough.'
To the credit of human nature,
I think it 'lust be said that •very
seldom is the character of the 'le•
ceased defamed. Yet the rancorous
and spiteful feelings are now and
again expressed in epitaphs, in
which eve t the dead are bitterly
traduced, The following from a
Scottish churchyard is a specimen
of this kind : t�
Hero lyes Mess Andrew Grey.
Of whom nae muckle good can Isay. '
He was ne Quaker, for he had ne spirit ;
He was ne Papist, for he had ne merit ;
He was.ne Turk, for he drank muckle wine;
I{e was ne Jew, for he eat muckle swine,
For forty Years he preach'd and Teed,
For which;God doomed him when he dee'd.
I presume it may also 'be affirmed
that, es rule, it is customary to speak
nothing but what is good of the
dead, yet the practice -even exclud•
ing defamation—is not universally
adhered to. It is 'said to bean old
joke to suppose a person walking
through a churchyard, reading the
epitaphs, and asking where all the
bad people are buried. But Horne.•
times disgust and disapproval, if not
hatred, pursue the dead with un-.
muffled voice. The following, found
,in the churchyard of an English
village, is a -specimen of this class—
following upon the usual record of
named and date of death :—
He was a bad Son,
A bad Husband, ,
A had Father
"The Wicked shall be turned into Hell.'
But as just noticed, the great
proportion of epitaphs in which
personal references are entered on
conaist of eulogiums on the virtues
and excellenciea of the departed.
Many of these are just, others are
exaggerated and fulsome.
'One of the most distinguished
statesmen in, the late Cabinet,' says
the Morning Post of March, 1875,
'wrote an epitaph for a cemetery at
Dangstain, Sussex, where deceased
dogs, horses and cats, the pets of
Lady Dorothy Nevill, lie buried be-
neath funeral cypresses, weeping
ashes, willows, and other kindred
sympathetic trees. Here is the
epitaph :—
Soft lies the turf nil these who find their
rest
Here on our common m'other's ample
breast.
Unstained by meanness, avarice or pride,
They never flattered, and they never lied ;
No gluttonous excess their slumbers broke,
No burning aloohol, nor stifling stroke :
They ne'er intrigued a rival to displace,
They ran hut never betted on a race ;
• Content with harmless sports and moder-
ate feed,
Boundless in love, in faith, and gratitude
Happy the men—if there he any such—
Of whom his epitaph can say as much.
The above, so full of fine humanity
and moral significance, is said to
have been written by Lord Selborne.
A few of the following are on
surnames and occupations. The
first is on a tombstone in a Sheffield
churchyard, on John Knott, a alas.
sora -grinder :-- .
Here lies a man that was Knott bcrn,
His father was Knott before him,
Hs lived Knott, and did Knott rfie,
Vet underneath this stone doth lie,
Knott christened,
Knott begot,
And here lie lies,
And yet was Knelt.
A Coraie,h Churchyard, ie credited
with, the following exquisite liuet::—
Here:l..iea intoulbed oneitug r Morton.
Whoa° sudden death was oprly brought
on
Trying ono day his corn to 'low orf,
Tho razor slipped and cut his toe off,
The too, or rather what it grew to,
An inflammation quickly flew to't;
The parts they too to mortifying,
And poor dear ltogei took to dying.
In path Abbey is to be seen the
followiug :—
I3ere lies Ann Mann ;
She lived au old 'aid and died an old
Manu.
The following on a lady whose
name was Stone is found in Melton
Mowbrey Churchyard, Leicester-
shire :—
Curious enough, we all must say,
That what was. Stone should now be clay ;
Most curious still, to own wo must,
Tilat what was Stone will soon be dust.
For a poor soul amid the the bit,
ter pains of purgatory, yet bearing
the angelic and beloved compound
of Gabriel John for name and sur,
name, we find the following feeble
lines in Islington Churchyard :—
Pray fur the soul of Gabriel -John,
Who died in•the year sixteen•hundred and -
one.
Or if you don't it is all one.
They indicate unspeakable calloua-
ness as to poor Gabriel's destiny and
no faith in the power even of the
prayers craved in his behalf.—
.Brechin Advertiser -
WINTER FEEDING OF COWS
No doubt there is much in the
breed of a cow, but breed is noth•
ing without feed, and feeding has
had very much to do with excellence
of breed. lu ivy dairy, just now
is a six year-old common cow, that
never tasted grain food until 1
bought her three years ago for nine-
teen dollars. She then, with is calf
two months old, gave six quarts of
milk a day; and three pounds of
butter weekly. Now with a calf
eight mouths old she. is giving nine
quarts elailyeartd a little more than
seven pounds of butter weekly.
She will conti"uue" profitable as she
has done before until Mareh, when
she will be dried off previous to
having her next calf, late in April
next. I have had Many instances
like this in my dairy experience. I
advocate high feeding, especially in
the winter. Fifteen pounds of best
hay and ten or twelve pounds of
mixed corn meal and bran can be
given profitably to any cow, unless
she is a most extraordinary one. If
milk is not given in return for this
feed the cow will get fat and should
be turned into beef, and in this way
the cost of feed will be returned,
and a poor cow for a dairy will be
put out of the way.
It is a question often discussed
stow many times a day a cow should
be fed. In regard to this the judg.
went of the cow is worth more than
that of the owner. Two good mems
one early in the morning and ono
early in the evening, with awn inter-
val of fourteen hours between, in
the Middle of which a light meal is
given is certainly most satisfac-
tory to the cow. Let a person judge
for himself. Usually he feeds them
b':fore.breakfast and after supper.
But he himself gets a good dinner
between these times, or he feels a
disagreeable sensation of hollowtleria
and weakne=ss in the stomach. A
cow will unquestionably feel the
same, and she shows it by calling for
food iii her very eloquent way. To
insure a best product a cow must be
kept satisfied, contented and happy ;
and like many of her owners she is
happiest on a well filled stomach.
Hence 1 approve of, and . practice,
feeding a light meal of hay, or -some
other good fodder at ,noon ; and at
least five pounds of good hay, with
five or six pounds of grain food of
some kind in the morning and the
same in the evening.
NOTHING MORE.
'What's that worth ?' said a
stranger as he held out a lady's gold
chain to a Detroit city jeweler the
other day.
'Ah—um ! Do. you want close
figures V •
'Is it worth the fare from Chicago
here V
'Ajas''1' No. Seventy-five cerate
would be a liberal figure. It's only
plate, and not the best at that.'
'Humph i'
'Did you buy it for gold ?'
'I lent a woman money enough
to come from Chicago here on it.
She said it was a valuable heir -
'Very likely. Valuable heirlooms
belonging to the Brass family come
in stere every day. Anything more
today ?'
'Nothing more. When a man bas
made a fool of himself that's enough.
Much obliged and good day.'
—It was his first appearance at
church, and in order that he might
sit perfectly still and keep his little
chatter between his teeth, he was
told that a big dog would bite him
if he didn't keep quiet. The little
fellow cast several glances up and
down the aisle, and at last, just in
the most interesting part of the
miniater'e prayer, startled trio coa•
gregation by piping up, 'Mamma,
where is the dog ?'
ON TkIE DISPLAY QP THE
OSCULATORY PROCESS.
It was in a crowded train, just
starting from a city station. 11 er',
wumeu and children were hurrying
about, finding agate and arranging
luggage; but loud above the noisy
clatter of the depot, rose the shrill
voices of half a dozen school girls.
It requiaed no extraordinary amount
of penetration to discover that Nan
and Bess were going home for the
holidays, and t}►at Fan, Nell, Sue
and Madge were 'seeing then! off.'
Chatter, chatter ran their lively
tongues, and ripple, ripple pealed
forth their merry giggles. At last
the five-minute gong sounded, and
thele bunts a scene as ensued ! Nan
and Bees were hugged and kissed,
and kissed and hugged by the four
others, individually and collectively;
the aisle was completely blocked
during the demonstration, and these
girls swarmed over at least half a
car. Finally the four departed,
after several false alarms and frantic
returns for 'just one More.'
Then a winduw 'was raised, the
four on the outside gathered around
it, and the following conversation'
ensued :--
' Hope you'll have a lovely time.'
Kiss the baby for rue.'
' Write rue as soon as you get
there.'
'Give Mamie a good hug.'
Wish I had had a chance to kiss
Sadie before 1 left.'
There's the bell.'
' Lisa your mother for'—
' Good-bye.'
Kiss'—
. Then they all kissed their halide
to,each other, and, in the momen-
tary hush that fell on the ear, a
young mail was heard to say :
'Every one seems to be coming in
for a 'share. Guess it will be my
turn pretty soon.
The Niel- flushed scarlet at the re,
mark and the titter that followed,
and one releived her flustrated feel-
ings by exclaiming in a not inaudible
tone ;
'The hor—rid'thulg !,
Poor girls ! It wills a hard lesson,
but none too hard if they profited by
it.
It has 'been our fortune of late to
be much in trains, restaurants and
other public places and we have been
surprised, not to say disgusted, at
the exhibition of kissing embracing
daily inflicted 'oy woolen on an un-
appreciative public.
Doubtless, it is a thoughtless
habit, but does it not deserve
thoughtful consideration ?
Of old, the hand was given, only
as a sacred pledge of loyalty and
friendship ;, but now we offer our
lips to Hundreds of chance acquaint-
ances. If, however, we do not
recognize the alicredness of a kiss,
Ir.t us at least remember that others
may have old fashioned notions on
the subject, and let ua be chary in
our osculatory demonstrations.
JUST FOR FUN.
—Well drilled—the oil region.
—The epizooty merely differs
from other colds in its hoarseness.
—Old maids are described as
'embers from whi„h the sparks have
fled.'
—Mrs. Partington said that her
minister preached about the parody
of the probable son.
—If a pig wishes to build a house,
how would it set about it?—Tie a
knot in his tail and call it a..•pig's.
tie (pigstve).
—Why is a drunkard hesitating
to sign the pledge like a sceptical
Hindoo ?—Because he is in doubt
whether he will give up his jug or
not (juggernaut).
Kate Field says the bustle is an
invention of the devil, If- his
Satanic majesty gets a royalty on
each bustle sold, be must be d—ish
rich by this time,
—An Ottawa cabinetmaker, who
repaired chairs as an accommoda-
tion advertised thus : "All kinds
chairs, and bills contracted' tiherefor,
reseipted with pleasure." His wit
and wieder') turned hila in a deal of
mall trade. •
—011e Sunday night we were
sitting out in the moonlight, un-.
usually silent, almost sad. Sudden-
ly Some one --a poetic looking man
with a gentle, lovely face—said in a
low tone :—"Did you ever think of
the beautiful lesson the stars teach
us ?" We gave a vague, apprecia-
tive murmur, but some soulless clod
said :—"No; what is it?" "How
to wink," he answered, with a sad
sweet voice.
—Artemus Ward used to say
that ha was once travelling in an old
Bourbon town ont West when he
met an Irishman who thus address•
ed hint. "Can the likes o' ye tell
me where 1 can get a good dinner
for 25 cents?' 'Yes,' replied Ward,
'just round the corner is a nice place.'
'And will you allow 'me lone ques-
tion more?' said Pat. 'Certainly,'
replied the showman. 'Well, since
ye's been good enough to show me
where I can get the dinner for 25
cents, will the likes o' ye place tell
me where 1 can get the 25 cents.'
--An old klighlaudman Souls
years ago called at the ahop of Mr.
Black, merchant, in Perth, for the
important purpose of getting hie
spleuehen replenished with tobaccu.
Mr. Black was a llit of a wag, and
liked well to ,sport a juke with his
cuetofllerH, but on this occasion he
was fairly outwitted. The High•
landmau inquired how much of the
the precious 'weed' he would get for
a penny! Mr. Black replied that
Ile would get as much as would
reach from ear to ear. 'Got's bliss,'
exclaimed the eager purehvaer, 'her
nainsel' will now get plenty of tom',
back, for her ae ear be here, and its
neighbor she be at Waterloo!'
—A physician was called by a
foreign family, and prescribed 'one
pill to be taken three times a day
in any convenient vehicle.' The
family looked in the dictionary to
get at the meaning of the prescrip-
tion. They got on well until they
reached the word vehicle. To tide
they found, 'cart, waggon, carriage,
huegy, wheelbarrow.' After grave
consideration they calve to the con.
elusion that the doctor Meant that
the patient should ride out, and
while in the vehicle he should take
the pill. The advice was followed
to the letter, and in a few weeks
the fresh air and exorcise cured the
patient.
—A man, while fishing, sudden•
ly fell into the water. A fellow,,
fisherman of benevolent aspect
promptly hauled him out, laid him
on his back, and then began to
scratch his head in a puzzled way.
'What's the 'latter?' asked a by.
stander ;'why don't you revive hila ?'
`'There are sixteen rules to revive
drowned persons,' said the bene.vn-
lent man, 'and I know 'em all, but
1 can't call to mind which conies
first.' At this point the drowned
elan opened .his eyes anti said,
faintly : 'Is there anything about
giving brandy .in the rules 1'. 'Yes.'
'Then never mind the other fifteen.'
WIIY 1900 WILL NOT BE A
LEAP YEAR.
The following, explanation is
given why the year 1900 will not
bo counted among leap years. The
year is 365 days 5 hours and 49
minutes long. 11 minutes are
taken every year to make the year
3651 days lung, and every feud)
year we have an extra day. This
was Julias Cr:aar's arrangement.
Whore do these eleven minutes
come from '1 They home from the
future, and are paid by olnmitting
leap year every hundreth year.
But if leap year is omitted every
100th year, in the course of 400
years it is found that the eleven
minutes taken each year will net
only have been paid back, but that
a whole day will lie given up. So
Pope Gregory, who 'improved on
Ciesar's calender in 1852; decreed
that every centurial year divisible
by -500 Should be a leap year after
all. So . we borrow 11 • minutes
each year more than paying our
•borrowings back by omitting
three leap years in three centurial
years, and square matters by having
a leap year ion the fourth centurial
year.' Pope Gregery'ci arrangement
is so exact, and the borrowing and
paying back balance so closely,
that we borrow more than we pay
back to the extent of only one day
in 3866 years.
FOOD THAT MAY BE TAKEN
-WITFI THE FINGERS.
At an official ditfner a few, nights
ago a . distinguished society belle
from New York, one of the Mc-
Allister 400, was observed to handle
the wing of a chicken with her
fingers, and afterwards daintily
nibble a "drumstick" the same way
without the use of knife or fork.
Some of the cabinet and administra-
tion ladies, only one of whom
belongs to the 400, marveled at
this and thought it showed "lack of
breeding." The one authority,
Mrs. Whitney, ,remarked that the
action of the young lady was in
perfectly good form,
The list of things that can be
eaten from the fingers is on the
increase. It includes all bread,
toast, tarts, and small cakes, celery
and asparagus, when served .whole,
as it should be, either hot or cold ;
lettuce, which must be crumpled in
the fingers and dipped in salt or
sauce ; olives, to which a fork
should never be put any more than
a knife should bo put on raw
oysters ; strawberries, *hen served
with the stems on, as they should
be, aro touched to pulverized sugar;
cheese in all forms except Brio or
Roquefort or Culhlbefort, and fruit
of all kinds, except preserves and
melons. The latter should be eaten
with a spoon or fork. In the use
of the fingers greater indulgence is
being shown, and you cannot if
you are well bred, make any bad
mistakes in this direction, especially
when your finger howl stands by
and your. napkin is handy.
—Tho halfbreeds in' Montana
have been granted permission by
the Dominion government to bring
back to Canada their live stook free
of clnty. The petitioners will re-
turn to their old home at Batocho,
N. W. T.
Trr
THE WAY WOMEN PROPOSE.
Replying to the question `Should
women propose marriage l' Jar Tal-
mage answered : 'Why, you are cell -
Wriest too late •iu.arking that ques-
tion. Women alwaye have propos-
ed and always will propose. Words
are very weak things compared to
woman's affabilty and loveliness.
The most splendid thing on earth
is a good woman, and wheu, with
all her attragtivenniSt1, she, MANS .ssp
her mind that it mould he well to
be the wife of some good man, and
that it would be equally well for
him, she captures hila as easily as a
regiment captures one corporal. It
does not make any difference
whether her tongue proposes Un-
til a man gets from a woman a pro-
position of that style he had better
not make a proposition of his own
unless he wants to ho made to feel
ridiculous all his lifetime.
ARE YOU IN DEBT?
\5'e ask the question seriously.
On our books ere a large number of
small accounts that aggregate a good many
dollars.
If you owe THE NEws•Ritnonn $1.25 or
more, we invite a prompt settlement. "
If you•have not received your acconnt,
ask for it ; if you have received it, we ask
an early response.
During the hist Iew weeks a large num-
ber of.accnunts have been sent out, and
during the next few weeks wo will send
out Many Thos's.
THE NEWs-RECO Ith is now better
worth $2 a year than 81.25 when the pres-
ent proprietors took i assession of it over
six years ago, and still the twice remains
at $1.25 in advance.
We dislike dunning, bit aecognts that
have renuiined opett for two years or more
must he settled.
During oto' newspaper experience of
malty years we have never had to sue any
of our patrons, and we de not desire to
increase accounts with Court costs,
To those who pay up, and a year in
advance, during this mouth, $1.25 a year
—the tulvuuce lmiru—,will only be elwrged;
otherwise $1.50 will be charged aid 'col-
lected.
To
those•iu arrears we say—and say it
candidly—pay up and save costs,
WIIITELY & TDi►D,,
Publishers.
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eta. D. M FERRY do CO. are
k•.., - �,acknowledged to bo the
V Largest Seedsmen
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t' runny d4C,O'B
S;rr,� 111�irtrated.Deserip-
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Will be mailed rnEE
to all applicants, and
to last ear'senstbnieta
without ordering it. Ayala.
Is.rn.e O.ullIow.r I able to all. Everynerson nsingg
>o t Ca Mill° Gorden, Field or Flower Seeds
should send for it. Address
D. M. FERRY & CO., Windsor, Ont.
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