Huron Record, 1881-03-25, Page 3aa,
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IMPS AND
"0 'Nanny, wilt tleau gang' wi? me r
as the thief sad when Ile was trying to
steal a goat.
'What is the difference between
fixed star and a meteor '1 One is asun,
the other a darter.
An Irish editor says be can see no
earthly reason why women should not
be allowed to become medical men.
He couldn't raise the mortgage: on
his building lot, and so, poor man,
without becoming Mimi, he lost his
bite.
Minister: "Don't you: know it's
wicked to catch fish on the Sabbath r
Small boy (not having a nibble 'all( the
wonting): " Who's catchne tish
A grocer has a pound of sugar re-
turned with a note stating ." too much
sand for table use, and not enough for
bui i ng purposes."
Two Irishmen travelling on the
Baltimore k. Ohio Railread: catneth a
unto post, when one of thena.said,..
"Tread aisy, Patl, Here „lies- at. -man
108 years old 1 . His name was.Miles
from. Baltimore"
We know a man so cro'ss-eyed that
he put his hand intoanother man's.
pocket and abstracted therefrom .a
watch. He wanted to know the time.
The judge told him that it would.- •be.
three years.
An American lady was heardto ex-
press her dissatisfaction at the female
portraits in this year'sLondon A.eademy.
" I shall wait," was her decision, " un-
til 1 go to Rome. I guess I'll have niy
picture done by one of the old 'maaters.-
An American paper says the tench-
ing spectacle of a boy leading home his
drunken parent was witnessed at Bur
Iington, Iowa, last week. The progreas
was quite slow, however;. as the boy
was. considerably the diezaker of •tlie
two.
This is not a bad stoey of a„ Hiber-
nian. Policeman (stopping a hackdriv-
(r): "Look here, now. Don't yon know
there 'S an ordnance requiring every car -
.t� have alantermatnighir
sure, sir, what nadohave 1 for alantere
at all7;Can ye not sec . -for yurself, sir,that,
nie horse is bloindl"
A southern'. nigger nameddPompei,.
says, "Talkin ". of the law make me
t'ink of what the mortal CatGwholib
most a t'ousand years ago, once. said,.
"De law islike agrottie glass-Win4"r,
dat give light enougli to light us poor
Mortals in de dark passage-oilife ; but
it would puzzle the old -'un himself to.
see troo -it." •
A ,rather grand .and • dramatic 'style
of. expression came to a•suddba collapse -
in court the other .day. An. indignant.
witness exclaimed, " The first time
that I ever did such a dishonorable ant
I would blow out my- brains,
Very good;" said the examining coun-
sel, " and what Would you do the sec-
ond timer
An arch boy, having • latken notice
of his . Sheday-school teacher's often
reading a chapter in. Corinthians W -here,
in is this ',sentence; "Weshall be.
changed :in -the twinkling 'Of an
privately.erased the letter cin the word:
change& The next time -the teacher
read it,. "We shall all be kmiged
the twinkling of an eye." .
Careful wife : "Dont, Charles, go. to
Boston. with that .hole in theelbowef
your siiirt."—Husband : ", 'Why not,
any dear '1"—Careful wife i "Because
if the,train should run off the line, and.
you should get- killed, people would•
think me a very negligen*/ wife"—
u sban (-buttani hg h is Overcoat),..
"Ahem 1 yes I dare say they would.:'. •-
A? village doctor went to visit a
patient in a neighboring hamlet, and
took with hini his gen,- that he Might •
wing any game that lie encountered' in
crossing the field. A. peasant 'Meet-.
int; him on the way, asked whither•he
was going 1 "To see a patient," was
the. answer.--" What then,' said the
peasant, " do you really fear . to Miss
him:in the ordinary way, that .you -take.
your gun with you 'I" . • ,
A youth was lately leaving Me aunt's.
house after a• visit, when. finding it. was
beginning to rain, be caught up. an.
umbrella that was snugly pfliacd ina
corner, and was proceeding . tka: open it
when the old lady, who for the first
time observed his movements, sprang
towards him, exclahning, "Nb no, that
you never shall. 'are had' that em-
hrella twenty-three years, -and it has
never been Wet yet, and Tni sore it
shan't be wetted' now!" •
The feelings of a near-siklited inan,„
who fills he has Visaed his,liand to the
wrong lady.; Tlieafinding your pocket-
book gone just, sat; you are, reaming, a
strange had, with no time to spare t6
reach the, train. The sensation from a
lady's boot-lieel (present style) when
she steps on your foot accidentally.
Getting nn horseback for the„first time
in ynur life.. Your mother-in-law's re-
rearkTi if you do not go to..the sod
•10.xitag,,,t1ie seam.,
Speaking of Lima it could not do
otherwise than surrender after the bat-
tle of Miraflores. To use the phrase Of
a local wag, since executed—"There
was no other way out of the di -Lima."
A. 'Cu,te Yankee has invented a nest,
in the bottom of which there is a kind
of trap door, through which the egg,
when laid, innediatel- drops; and the
hen, looking round and perceiving none
snomlays another.
We don.% pretend to knew much
about politics, but we have a little
money to bet that the next secretary
of the navy will be •a Man who „can't
swimand who can get sick ou a mill
poiek.
A. little boy returning honie froni.
church, was asked IT his Mother to
give • the text. After a thoughtful
pause, the little fellow replied, "1
don't hardly remember„ but it wn
something about a hawk netween ta o
pigeons." The text was, " Why halt.
ye between two opinions."' •
During the lata -American. civil war
some children, were talkingof their
fathers and.' bretlie.iswho bath been
captured as, prisotiers of war. Maily
tales of forts and camps vvere told, the
speakers evidently priding themselves
very much ott the sufferings of their rela-
tives, when a little fellow who had beeitt
silent now spoke up. 44 Mats nutliin,"
said he ; "I've got an uncle in prison
too, and he ain't never been in war,
auther." .
Haw He Gotc. Started.
Te dame to our reporter this morn-
ing.—a tine, bluff, well dressed young
fellow,.evidently in good circumtances.
"I read in your paper last
Said he, "that Police Magiefrate
Denison furnished attittde vagrant with
sutli"eient money' te•start him on the
street es news boy, mid that a city re-
porter augmented the. pile. Is that
tl'Ut-V) • -
q'Certainly."' 4 .
"'Well, then, God bless them both,
say 1.1 That's the way I got started in
_life,. paliceman .pieked
thc eireets—of Wow. york one night—
wilem 1: was about ten years Ofage..
ha& no, parents, 'imahome; iio friends
no money:I was brought before Mr.
Merrill at the Tombs Court the next
morning, I remember it well, and can't
forget i17 -Hanger, terror, and despair,
made me' eloquent; andil told my story.
-Wei, sir; a tear carne into his eye,
and he went down inteihis: pockets and
,brought mit a shinplaster and handed
it to me There were a, few lawyers
ad repokers there 'and ,they passed
round the hat, and raised two (Whirs
and addbd to it,,•and theal Was turned'
out into the street.: •I 'Went straight
nclagotr:soinething tot. eat,. and then
T. bought a boot hiach's outfit, and
from that I rose: through the grades of
Messengej. boy, cler14bookeeper, and
jnnior partner to havio a business of
My. own. If it.luid"Inot been.for those
kindhearted gentlemen in the. Tombs I
alight have been dead'now-or worse
tlifef. • God.. Mese the. merciful
judge, ay I again : • .
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RORIZE. -HOME I
AND
S TT 13 SO
FOR
HE HURON RECORD.
Onig
• •
• WOndorfail PhonomenOla
Dunina the Vint of the late comet to
this earth, it will be remembered there
Was al season of cm:lit-anent. Milferism
was • in its glory.. Sights, Signs and
wonders were the entire order of the
day,. Said -no one was qualified for the
" kingdmii," without ample experience,
in vision. • • •
Among the multitude of signs and
wonders that were announced as having
appeared, ,some Western papers put
forth one 'perhaps that will not be un-
interesting., inthis year 1881. The
phenomenon is reported as follows
• Mr. Blincluian, a pilot on a flatboat
on the Ohio, recently saw a most iN',on-
derful sight in the heavens. He was
watching, eagerly, the comet's tail
when, all , at once, lie saw it,•ciarl up
and form, in big letters,.: the word :
.a • " PAY,
Ile „clid'ot pay much attention to it
but.int fe* minutes he'lboked aroinid.
and saw distinctly, in the same:
place, the -word.
•:. : • 7 "THE,'.'1'
.Astonished : at. thia he raii below to
infOrm the captainand when he wit.
back and looked up at the tail, he
found that it had, changed again, and
had formed theword.
" PR1T•TE11"
Whereupon he 'and the captain mar-
velled greatly, and?did resolve instal),
tly to heed the, abomonition and as
soon as they got home, to "Pay the
Printer 1"
In eases of Chronic disease -which
doctors lieve failed to cure, Butnocx
titoon 13trrEss has achieved its great-
est triumph. All diseases of the Blood,
Liver and Kidneys, Setofula, Dyspep.
Sift Nervous Debility, Rheumatism,.
Female Complaints and allferins
of lost Vitality are promptly cured by
this great renovating tome. Trial Bot-
,tles Only, oost .3.0
'tTISI
725 a k.:ecirin A* tiernpep
AND IS
PRINTED AT 111
V 1r-1- S
• 0 L EGrad
Ai N C
--
- .."•••.4.41.•,......0
S. MORLE'Y'S
CHEAP STORE,
49Darson's Blocic.) .
Great indneetnents In
"T"NNT-MMIDS_
Splendid Snitstrom $10.00
Upwards.
Boot, and Shoes,
RUCKBOTtOMIPRICEq,
eetne.enteasene ail 1 anaisagare‘
BARGAINS!....
S. MORLE74,
A Household Vlori!
T. cooper's
GROCERY .
-Has become a Household Word' art tlie
BEST'and CHEAPEST place fol.'
Groceries,.
Flour, •
Feed •
Crockery,
• Glassware,.
ONE OF THE BEST ADVERTISING MEDIUMS IN THE COUNTY.
. , . .
Large Circulation ! Low Rates !,
GO TO THE.
FOR YOUR, •
NEW TYPE,; GOOD WORK
4,
REASONAB4E PR1018...
• ^
•
•
V.P
—RI' Pl.i00,121-5n
•
.E't/itor,ond..Pipprietbr,
. A-amoritTrriz
60 Cent Tea.
, ter CSAi paid for Eggs. EariA Pro-: .
duce taken in 'ekchange.
TUOS COOVEllt, •
Corner Albert. and Rattenbitry. Sts.,
•
CLINTON CONT.
Great
IRI
SALE
.. •
aTOVE PIPES, &a
Reduced Prices
ONE MONT
-I4ow is the:time to- secure
r '
Imeriler to re,ritiee uur stock' and make -room •
for other goods, we have decided to., •
• sell at from. •
•
10 to 15 Per Cent, Less
...Than (isualPikes,'
FOR ONE MONTI! ONLY.
Hardware,
,
.
Crosscut Ss:yrs; •
Lamps, &c.,
VERY LOW.. -Sit
LW Best No. .11 Coal Oil, (give Sitar "
brand) 25 cents pier
. Four Imperial, Gallons
• and 0tin for
•
:HARLAND' .
BROS.,
,„Sign of:tile Padeck, Brick
ALBERT e CLAINTOW.
• . •