The East Huron Gazette, 1892-05-26, Page 2firhnew
Nk
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Falstaff'a Song.
BY EDMUND CLARENCE STEDMAN.
Where's he that died o' Wednesday /
place on earth hath het
A'canoes yard beneath, I wot.
Where worms approaching be ;
For the wight that died o' Wednesday
Just laid the light billow,
Is dead as the varlet turned to clay
A score of years ago.
Where's he that died o° Sabha' day?
Good Lord. I'd not be he!
The best of days is foul enough
From this world's fare to flee;
And the saint that died o' Sabba' day
With his grave-tnrfyet to grow.
Is dead as a sinner brought to pray
A hundred years ago.
Where's he that died o' yesterday)
What better chance hath he
To clink the can and toss the pot
When this knight's junkets bel
For the lad that died o' yesterday
Is just as dead- O'ho!-
As the scurvy knave men laid away
A thousand years ago.
'Strange it seems„when one firstdiscovers
it, that Shakespeare put no ballad, tavern -
catch, or other song, in the mouth of pewter -
clinking Sir John. But he certainly left us
a most tempting refrain for one. -E. C. S.
A BOYCOTTED BABY.
CHAPTER WIFE.
At home every one knew by the master's
cooks that something had happened ; but no
one dared to question him. Not a word did
he speak to his wife as to what had taken
- place. The dinner to Lord Polonius and
his daughter was not again mentioned. Per-
haps Matthew's intention was to let his wife
discover for herself ; if so, he carried it out-
long enough to cause her a goad deal of
anxiety. ` James Bulbous, according to rule,
had always dined at home on Sundays,
usually staying from Saturday till Monday;
but for two Sundays after these events he
did not appear, nor did he write. Matthew
Bulbous still was silent, and his wife
was afraid to speak. She knew that her
husband was aware of the reason of her
son's absence. At last neither seeing nor
hearing from her son, the mother's anxiety
conquered her fear.
" Matthew," she said, following him as he
went towards his " study" one evening after
dinner-" Matthew !" He halted, and look-
ed round. Her hand timidly touched his
arm,and she could hardly speak. "Jem," she
said, "is anything -the matter?"
"As far as I know, he is quite well," he
einswered coldly. He walked away, leaving
her standing in the middle of the hall. At
the door of the etude however, he stopped
end thought for a while. " Come with me,"
tie then said ; " I have something to tell
you."
Mrs. Bulbous followed her husband into
the room, and sank into a chair, trembling.
She knew he had ill news to communicate,
pnd Matthew Bulbous showed little consid-
eration for her feelings in his method of tell-
ing it.
"You want to know about your son," he
paid. " Very well. I'll soon tell you all I
know, and I daresay you will think it
enough -of the kind. He has been married
for six or seven months."
She gasped, and slightly raised her hands
with a gesture of dismay. Then, clasping
them tightly, she stared at the husband,
who proceeded : " Who or whatsis she ! Of
course, as a mother and a woman, you are
deeply interested to know. Who she is, I
cannot tell. What she is -or has been -I
can telt Your son's wife" --
"Matthew!" She leaped up with a cry -
this gentle and timid woman -and stood
- panting before him, with heaving bosom
and blazing eyes. Matthew Bulbous was
startled, but only for a brief time ; his big
hard eyes and set face soon reduced her;
and she sank in the chair with a moan.
" If you doubt it, send for him and her.
She'll come to you quick enough ; but take
care of yourself ! Sow would you like to
see her in your house -your son's wife-
_ beside your daughter -in her painted and
impudent ugliness, in her tawdry finery
and rags? Why, woman, to look at htr,"
he exclaimed, extending his arm towards
the door, as though -his son's wife were
standing there-" to look at her is to feel
sick ! A creature you would cross the road
to avoid -a degraded animal, whom your
very avoidance wculd rouse to tear and
claw yon. Yes, send for her, by all means ;
one interview will be enough."
" Jem, Jem, Jem 1" murmured the poor
woman, sobbing. It was indeed harder to
her than to her husband to realise that the
young man could have fallen into such folly,
and she felt the agony of which her husband
was insensible.
He had been lured into it -trapped into
it: -drugged into it. It was blasphemy
iigainst nature to suppose that he had vol-
untarily done such a thing, with all his
facoltieg'at.his command.
Mre. Bulbous, after this, was practical
enough to mourn her son as dead. She
knew he should never pass his father's door
again. ' Week passed after week, and no-
thing was heard from him. His name was
never mentioned. He was dead and gone
out of their lives. His chambers had been
given up -as the mother learned in some
indirect way -and he had disappeared.
The room James Bulbous had been in the
habit of occupying when he slept at Black-
heath was locked up now -locked by Mr.
Bulbous himself, who kept the key of it.
The night he locked it there was a little in-
cident which is worth relating. • There were
several photographs on the table, framed ;
the mother and sister, some friends, and
that of a very lovely girl with dark eyes.
Mr. Bulbous examined this curiously for
half -a minute, holding it in his hand ; with
• the other land he turned over a small heap
of photographs of noted persons, such as
you see in shop windows.
"An actress -or a dancer -or one of that
sort," he remarked, having another look at
the picture, and throwing it on the heap
with the others. "I never thought he w.
thatkind 'nd
of fellow."
Two- days before Christmas, he had a
brier note from his brother Joseph -which
was the first communication between them
since that day at Chelsea -inquiring wheth-
er Matthew
heth-er-Matthew still meant him to emigrate.
Matthew seemed to have forgotten the pro-
ject; but he sent a message to his brother
to come to the office at three o'cloek the
next day. Ptinctually to the minute Joseph
was there, and the clerk was sent .oat of the
room.
"If you still mean it," observed Joseph
with the manner of a man resuming an in-
terrupted conversation, "I would prefer
New Zealand. The_ climate is better, and
1 couldn't go to Canada for months yet. I
- don't care for Canada:", '
"As you please," said Matthew indiffer-
ently. "Let it be New Zealand, then; and
as you are in_a hurry to go, the sooner the
better. Goto the tailor's and order an out-
efit, . )ilii ...e to the rest."
Then there was a pause. There seemed
itis meneeeto be said on the particular subject.
ter.a.while, Joseph -inquired concerning
-aidl of his brothers's wife and Baugh
miterewin another pause. At last
f € ed it. Joseph knew anything
"I didn't like to mention his name first,
Matthew,"he answered. ' "Yes; I saw him
last night. Heaupports himself by writing
for the papers and things now."
"Yes. _Anything else?”
"Well -his wife is"--
"Stop!" J.oseph-etopped very` quickly, and
looked at his brother.
Matthew's face was dark, but presently
it cleared, and he observed : "I feel no
interest in that quarter. I asked about
Jem. I didn't want to hear about ker."
" I thought you might be interested to
know"—
"That there's- a baby ?" said - Matthew,
with a grin that showed his mouth to great
disadvantage. "I'm sure I'm delighted !"
" To know," continued Joseph, not heed-
ing the interruption, "that Jem's wife is -
dead."
Matthew Bulbous leaped to his feet. He
drew back the chair, and looked intently at
his brother. " Dead did you say ? When
did she die? What did she die of? There's
no mistake about this?"
" Died yesterday morning. Found dead
in her bed. Heart disease, the doctor said.
No mistake at all, Matthew.. as you may see
for yourself if you like to- attend her funer-
al to -morrow." -
" I attend her funeral? I'd see the
woman -ahem ; well, that sort all end that
way. I'm not a bit surprised," he observ-
ed, with a deep -drawn sigh of relief.
He could not sit on the chair now. He
walked about the room with his hands in
his pockets. Mr. Matthew Bulbous was
powerfully excited, for the liberation of his
son was fraught with momentous possibili-
ties. But as Joseph was sitting there, eye-
ing him with a curious interest, and waiting
to be sent away, Matthew had to come back
to him.
" You may come over to Blackheath to-
morrow, if you like," he said, "after the
funeral. You are going to the funeral, I
suppose? "
"Yes, I'm going."
"Come over after the funeral,. _ As it will
be Christmas Day, you may stay for dinner
if you like. - What hour is the funeral to
be?"
" Two o'clock."
"Come over immediately afterwards. I
shall expect you at four. Have you any
money ?"
He took a few sovereigns from his waist-
coat pocket and threw them on the table.
Joseph Bulbous picked them up and went
away.
After his brother's departure, Matthew
Bulbous sat down and leaned back in the
chair with his large eyes staring vacantly
at the inkstand on the table. His senses
were unconscious of outward things -even
of the absence of the clerk, who was idly
waiting outside to be summoned back to his
work. Bulbous was filled with deep and
absorbing joy. Jem's wife was dead. The
detested obstacle to his ambitious projects
was removed. It was not unreasonable to
suppose that the event must be a happy re-
lief to the young man himself. The experi-
ence would chasten and subdue him, and
generally be good for him. After just a lit-
tle delay, sufficient to wipe out the last
miserable vestige of tbe late wife's memory,
the young manwould be ready to accept
with gladness his father's schemes. Jem's
wife was dead. Oh, the silent and mighty
upheaval of Matthew Bulbous's energies,
paralysed for the time by his son's unfor-
tunate marriage, now that friendly Death
had undone it, in fairly good time! Every-
thing would, and should come right now
now, that Jem's wife was dead.
Matthew's action was prompt. Jumping
into a cab he drove to Lord Polonins's club,
and found that nobleman there. His lord-
ship received him civilly, but curiously.
Lady Jessalinda was quite well, he politely
assured Mr. Bulbous ; and then the latter
proceeded to business, stating the case
briefly and clearly. At first the Earl listen-
ed with an affectation of polite indifference;
but he soon showed his interest. Mr. Bul-
bous explained very plainly the folly of bis
son, and the bitterness of his repentance,
and assured Lord Polonius that the young
man was ready- now to do his part with
proper spirit to promote the early realiza-
tion of the project upon which they were
both so cordially agreed a few months ago.
Bulbous did not put his thought in words,
but he felt no apprehension of his son's ma-
trimonial prospects having been interfered
with by the addresses of another suitor in
the interval.
" ell -ah -really, Mr. Bulbous, it re-
quires consideration," observed Lord Polo-
nius gravely.
"Why should it?" Mr. Bulbous asked,
the case not being one for sentiment. "It
has been considered already in all its points.
Unless, indeed," he added, as an act of
politeness of which he privately did not
see the necessity, "unless Lady Jessalin-
observation casually made by Lord Polonins'
quickly changed the expression of his face.
Of course," his lordehip:observed, pull-
ing on his gtovee, "there is . hardly need to
mention it, -blit of course the understanding
is entirely upon the assumption that there
is no surviving issue of the-the=mariiage ?"
These were ominous and startlings words;
because the Earl meant them, and they sug-
gested a possibility of which Matthew had
not thought before. But the situation was
critical and he was equal to it. .
" No, my lord," he answered with confi-'
deuce, there is no child of-thatmarriage: '
" Ah, that is satisfactory. I trust evefy-
thing will go on well now," said the Earl ;
and then he took a gracious farewell of Mr.
Bulbous for the present.
Matthew Bulbous went home in high
spirits. His old luck had not deserted him
after all. He felt himself to be a man who
could not fail. Fie might have known him-
self better than to hare felt beaten by Jem's
marriage. Here was the demonstration
that he was still the same successful man !
The church bells were ringing as be walk-
ed up the frosty road from the station. As
a rule, it was a noise he hated ; but to -right
the bells pealed a tune that gladdened his
heart.
" Jem's-wife-is-dead !
Jem's-wife-is-dead dead dead
Jem's-wife-is-dead dead dead DEAD !"
So the bells rang out in the clear frosty.
sky. Matthew Bulbous laughed, and wished
them a Merry Christmas.
At dinner, his wife and daughter were
struck with the exuberance of his spirits.
After dinner, he made Agnes play several
"lively" pieces on the piano -an instrument
he only loved less than church bells -and
said something about buying her anew one.
For the keys gave out the same carol as
the bells, no matter what she played.
Later on, he called his wife into his
study, and exultingly announced the great
news to her. The result startled him.
d" Matthew !" she exclaimed, with natur-
alJiorror, " surely you are not rejoicing
over the poor creature's sudden death !"
" Surely I am, though. Pray, why
shouldn't I?" he demanded defiantly.
e" It is wicked -horrible ! No, Matthew,"
his wife said with a shudder, "she is dead,
and all enmity."
" I have no enmity," he growled. " She
wasn't a fit subject for enmity. But I say
what I feel, and I cannot but feel glad.
Have you no thought for your son ? Are
you sorry for his release ?"
But his wife, without further word, left
the room, and Matthew Bulbous put down
his pipe, pushed away the ha!f-consumed
toddy, and stared angrily in the fire. When
he was angry, it was a sign he was conscious
of having made a mistake. Undoubtedly,
he was -glad of the woman's death, and be-
lieved he had a right to be glad; but perhaps
the exhibition of his joy was not exactly
proper. After all, Jem's wife wasdead,and
could do no further harm. As the harm
which she had done was being happily rerne-
died, it might have been better to ignore the
fact that she had ever existed. And con-
sidering her miserable life and miserable end
her death was probably an unworthy and
indecent subject for exultation.
Did she know the assurance he hail" given
Lord Polonius, and was she Warning him?
Did she mean that, to supply her p1S!!e, he
was to get Jem immediately -married to
Lady Jessalinda! There were . doubts on
this point ; it was contrary to all experience
of herlsex that she should be lanais to be
_quickly succeeded by another wife, and to
place her baby on the bosom of a stepmother;
and it was extremely doubtful whether
Lady Jesselinda would consent to dedicate
herself to that maternal office.
But he gave lits- solemn promise to look
after the child.; and as he spoke the words,
there was a knock at the door. Looking
np, he discovered that - Ms -'visitor was
gone. With the instinct of a man
of business, his first thought was whether
she had heard him make that promise con-
cerning the baby. He would have given a
thousand pounds to be certain she had not
heard the words. Could she possibly, he
asked himself, have heard them, seeing that
she was gone when he looked .up?
The appearance of the butler at the door,
inquiring if his master wanted any-
thing further that night, gave him a con-
siderable start ; and he rose to his feet
quickly, looking hard at the spot where the
visitor had been standing during the late
interview. -
" No, Perks," he answered, absently,
drawing a deep respiration. " I -I believe
I have been asleep 1" But the conviction that he had been dream-
ing did not restore a tranquil mind. A11
night through his thoughts were haunted
with shadowy fears. Thar ewe, hidden from
physical perception, but still familiar
though - unaccountable, was no trick of
fancy. And he could by no effort rid him-
self of the fear that the baby might be a
dread reality, worse to face than the ill-
starred marriage which it sprang from -a
reality that would have to be "boycotted"
with vigour and thoroughness.
(To BE CONTINUED.
Matthew Bulbous was a coarsely -bred
man, not free from superstition, and at heart
a: coward. Hence the words of his wife
disturbed hint, and howsoever he might have
despised his son's wife when living, he was
not so sure that the dead could be treated
with the same impunity. In fact, he un-
easily felt that on the whole it was best to
leave the dead alone. In the fading embers
of the fire, the wasted and rigid face of the
poor creature who had already passed betore
her Judge met his eyes oftener than he
cared. With the fire, his energy of mind
seemed to sink also, lower and lower as tae
time passed.
Just as the chimes of midnight startled
him, as from a troubled sleep, the most ex-
traordinary thing came to pass that ever
happened to Matthew Bulbous. The door
opened, and a female figure glided into the
room. The lamp was turned low, and he
could not see her distinctly ; a shawl hung
over her head, half concealing her face, and
the gloom hid the rest of it; but he ex-
perienced a strange and unacccuntable sense
of recognition. He was convinced lie had
seen the face before -he knew not when or
where -though he certainly did not see it
now. She did not speak for some time, but
stood before him in a silent and expectant
attitude, as though he had sent for her.
The strangest thing was that he knew this
to be the apparition of his son's wife, while
at the same time it was certain that the in-
visible face was not the face of the dead
woman. • -
Jem's wife had been so much in his
thoughts, that this sudden visitation took
him, in a manner, at a great disadvantage.
da" --
"
a" " Yes, that's it," said his lordship quick-
ly ; ' we do not know exactly haw Lady
Jessalinda will regard it. Ladies are sensi-
tive of such an experience, and as a rule do
not prefer newly -made widowers. We
must take all this into consideration."
Matthew Bulbous, anxious as he was
about bis project, began to stiffen. He sus-
pected that this clever old peer was laying
himself out to exact further pecuniary con-
cessions. " Do you propose to reopen the
matter with Lady Jessalinda, my lord ?" he
asked, with ominous coolness.
" I did not mean to leave any doubt as to
that," said Lord Polonius, who, from his
own private interests,was as anxious as Mat-
thew Bulbous to carry out the project ; " it
is as to the result that there may be a little
doubt. I only meant to imply that, natur-
ally, it will be leas easy to win Lady Jesse-
linda's consent now than it was a few
months ago.
In private, Matthew Bulbous was not so
sure about this ; but still, women were
women, and there was no counting on their
whims. Lord Polonius, in conclusion,
promised to drop ig, upon him later in .the
ternoon, and Mr. Bulbous took his depar-
ture.
ure.
At six o'clock his lordship called. " 1
have spoken to Lady Jessalinda, said Lord
Polonius in a confidential whisper, " and I
think we may venture to hope that -ah-
matters may in time -ah -not impossibly
resume their former footing. Of course we
must allow a little time, so as to forget the
-a "certain episode. Then, we may proceed
again."
" That will do," said Matthew Bulbous,
understanding aright the meaning conveyed
by the Earl's circumlocution. "How long
will it take ?"
"• Well, as to that, we can lay: down noth-
ing definite. Now, if your son would go
abroad for a while"—
" He's
hile"—"He's going," -said Mn Bulbous prompt-
ly; "but the question is how long is he to
stay abroad?" -
cY He can be recalled when it is considered
judicious." said Lor l .Pnloniva. " Of
course he will keep -you advisekl of his
address. I do not think, he ad le 1, low ;. -
ing his voieeagain-and>sigs'ificaut:y
ing Mr. Bulbous's hand, -" his exile need be
very long." . _
Matthew gave a -gratified smite, which
owe -American coushue Would describe as of
large dimensions ; but:the next moment an
But it was nevertheless a situation of a
character with which he was not well fitted
bo -
foreto cope. Some timetherefore,
fore he could bring himself to address her
with an inquiry, in a respectful and con-
ciliatory tone, as to her istentity and busi-
ness. She turned slowly toward him and
told him (as he expected) who she was.
This confirmation, in spoken words, of
his previous conviction had the effect of
disturbing his mental equilibrium still
further. In vain, rallying his courage, he
assured her she was mistaken -that Jem's
wife was dead, and was to be buried at two
o'clock next day -that she had been found
dead in her bed, dead of heart disease,
brought on by her own conduct, as the
doctor said. This discharge of hard facts
and exact information seemed not to affect
her in the smallest degree. Then it occur-
red to him to summon the butler, and he
rang the bell with nervous energy. The
effect amazed him, but seemed not to die
c'Dncert his visitor in the least. The butler
and other servants were either not in the
house, or they were buried in the sleep of
the Seven Sleepers, or they were all dead.
For the bell rang loud and long down the
passage, up the stairs, through all the rooms
in the house, .and finally passed up the
chimneys, and died away in the sky ; but
no person answered it.
Matthew Bulbous listened to this ex-
traordinary performance with fear perspir-
ing from every pore. He felt now there
was nothing left but to ask his visitor
humbly to state her business. He abjectly
pleaded that he was tired and wanted to
go to bed. Then the dark reproachful eyes
settled upon him, from out the shadow,
with a gentle scorn which caused him to
look another way as she delivered her mes-
=age. They had been happy, her husband
and she,.and did not want Matthew Bul-
bous's money. He had cast off his son be-
cause he failed to marry him to 'a grand
lady. He was rejoicing now because the
son's wife was dead and the grand lady
might still become his wife. Ther visitor:
knew all Matthews thoughts and schemes:
Very well ; but she added, with a move-
ment ,that made him start, that she had
left' a baby, and would - hold ' him to
account for it. " According as you are
kind and just to it, I willbe merciful to_
you. It has no mother, and you must sup-
ply my place '-
A dim apprehension of consequences like-
ly to arise from the existence of a baby pass-
ed like a cold wave -over Matthew Bulbous.
WILSON'S BURGLAR.
Bowser's Counterpart has an Adventure.
" Henry 1 Henry'. I believe there is some
one in the front room !' whispered Mrs.
-
Wilson as she poked her husband in the
ribs to awaken him.
" Where is he ? Let me get my hands on
him !" he cried as he sprang out of bed,
fell over a chai , and rolled on the car-
pet.
" Where is the revolver, Anna ?" he ex-
claimed as he scrambled to his feet.
"Oh, there is eurely some one in the
room ! I saw him cross between me and the
light ! We will be murdered 1" she moan-
ed.
Wilson -grasped. a chair and sprang out
into the front room.
" Take that, you blood -thirsty fiend ! I
will teach you to creep into people's houses
when bonest folks are asleep ! 1 will teach
you to rob and murder !" he yelled and
brought the chair down on his victim a
second time with a loud crash. -
for then -find eighty years, before I buy you
one."
5At V(linner, while looking over the maili
Wilson found a note addressed to Mrsr
Wilson. He passed it to her, and she open-
ed and read it., -
`" This- concerns you more than me," she
said, reading -aloud
" MADAM :—If your husband is taking',
a course of medical treatment, or is training
for the prize ring, or, in fact, anything that
necessitates morning exercise in fatigue uni-
form we will overlook the performance ; but
if his strange gymnastics are repeated, sim-
ply for pastime, we will institute proceed-
ings to suppress him.
Very kindly yours,
" NEAR NEIGHBORS..
" What is that, Anna? Who wrote that?
Let me look at it," he said, with bated
breath.
She handed the missive to him, and he
slowly read it through. Then he said :
" As the dew descends from the unveiled
heavens, or the crystallized snow, or the
fleecy thistle down alights on my sturdy
form, so does such flimsy trash alight on the
broad and intellectual mind of the repre-
sentative from Polk County who sits before
you to -day. Madam," he continued, as he
arose to his feet, and removing his coat
quietly, hung it on the back of his chair,
and laid his vest beside his plate-" madam,
while I imagine I can detect the ear -marks
of a voluptuous damsel who shall be name-
less, but who is bound to the afore -mention-
ed representative by ties of the common-
law, if abe or any other large -eared woppled-
jawed, crane -necked individual ever sets
her or his bespattered hoof on lots eighty
and eighty-one, block twenty, Murphy's
Addition, for the put pose of suppressing
Henry Wilson, the owner of the above de-
scribed features will ret her or his jaw
knocked a -straddle of her or his neck, and
her or his general anatomy knocked out of
shape -no bar as to sex '. Do you under-
stand ? Can you get your brain concentrated
enough to realize what I say ?" he yelled, as
he sprang upon the table and shook his fist
at his wife.
"-Henry Wilson !
„
f" Run my business, will
—
°' Get off that table--"
"I'm the Royal Nibbs that runs that
" You could not run a colored camp -meet-
ing without quarreling with the converts,
or a poultry -yard without entertaining the
fowls with a a lecture on clinics. - If your
general make-up was in harmony with your
mouth, you would be a statesman," she
vociferated.
He sprang from the table, hurled aside a
chair, and hastened to the garden.
" There ! I guess he is satisfied for this
time," Mrs. Wilson said, and resumed her
work with a complacent smile.
" Have you got him, Henry ?" Mrs. Wil-
son anxiously asked.
" Yes ; bring the light. I have knocked
the gentleman senseless," he replied.
" Look out that he does not shoot you !'
cried Mrs. Wilson, as she pushed the lamp
through the door, and looked in.
There stood Wilson in night apparel with
the back of a chair raised over his head,
ready to deliver another blow if necessary ;
and lying at his feet was a rocking -chair,
broken in a dozen places, and mixed with
the remainder of the chair whose back he
held in his hands. The fragment of furniture
slipped from his grasp as his eyes fell on
the wreck.
" Mrs. Wilson, do you assert that you,
saw this rocking -chair running across the
room?" he bellowed, turning on his wife.
" No, I do not assert anything of the
kind. I saw a man, and there is the place
he went out," she said pointing to the win-
dow.
" By the hair of Solomon 1" he ejaculated
as he sprang through the window, and ran
around the house litre a madman, and hur-
riedly crawled back through the window.
" If it had not been for your - infernal
screeching," he said, in a tone of disappoint-
ment, " I would have had that gentleman.
I was just creeping onto him when you set
up that idiotic howl."
" You were creeping, I should think. You
rolled out of bed, fell over a chair, and made
more noise than a fire company, and then
you rushed out here and broke up some
furniture. The wonder to me is that you did
not scare the burglar- to death 1 I wonder
what he stole?" - -
" Great guns, yes ! He stole my coat and
hat ! No, here they are. It's my umbrella !
No, here it is. My cane is gone ! Yes, the
brute has stolen my cane ! I will offer a re-
ward of twenty dollars for its return," • and
he danced excitedly around the hall.
" It is not worth three dollars, Henry.
Are you crazy ?" ,
" It is the thief I am after," he yelled.
" My ring is gone !-the one you gave
me before we were married 1" cried Mrs.
Wilson.
" It does not amount to anything, I only
paid six dollars for it," he replied.
" You told me it cost fifty."
" That was when I was spooning. Six
dollars, madam, that is all. Let it go 1"
" Henry Wilson, I will never live another
day with you ! You are a mean, stingy
thing, and to think you would tell me such
a contemptible falsehood." '
" Madam, the next time a burglar gets
into this house, I want you to keep quiet
and not say a word until I overpower him,"
said Wilson as he glanced at his clock.
" Great Scott, Anna, it is six o'clock ! I
thought it was bright moonlight when I
was out looking for the thief," he said,
staring sheepishly at his wife.
" Why, it is really daylight 1 If we -had
only raised the curtain. Say, Henry, I
will bet one hundred dollars that was
Bridgetet who came
in and openedened the win-
dow
to air the room."
° Then where is my cane and your ring I"
he asked. - -
ewe
get down from that
ILISOELLANEOUS ITEMS.
or t
'gooen
ddaycas.mel will trove! 100 miles a dal
;A - -
Thirty•four 9f ta,f raw sugar mak
twenty-one.po►.,,- _
The total length of the Turkish railway
system is now about 732 miles.
In China, slips of mulberry bark serve at
money in the interior towns.
The Rothschilds annually give X00,000
francs to deserving persons. who have diffi•
sully in paying their rents.
Tho first suspension bridges ever built
were made in Cnina 2,000 years ago, being
constructed of iron chains.
Collectors of postage -sumps will be gladtc
learn that orders have been issued through
out Prussia for the prosecution of all wba
are found manufacturing forged stamps,
The population of the City of London is
almost as great as that of the three largest
metropolitan constituencies put together.
The British horses were famous when
Julius Cmsar invaded the country, and sone
of them were carried off by him as trophies
to Rome.
Nearly all the small silver coins of Cuba
have holes in them. The holes serve is
keep the coins in that country, as they dc
not affect their changeable value there.
Barrels are now being made successfully
from paper. The paper is made from old
cards, sacks, and refuse. The industry is
largely on the increase by reason of the
cheapness compared with wood.
The conductors of all the tram -cars, omni-
buses, and other vehicles for public aocam-
modation in Warsaw in that part of the
city between Novaya Praga and the suburb
of Brudno are women, and fullfil their dut•
ies more accurately and to the better satis-
SOME OF TOE NEW INVENTIONS.
A recently invented lampwice is made
up of a film of cotton slivers or parallel
fibres, just as they are arranged premiss
to being twisted to make thread. They
are inclosed in a covering of thin material
to give form to the wick.
A novel invention is a bran packer for
the use of millers who do a large export
business and to whom economy of space is
desirable. The apparatus consists of an
auger working in the funnel that fills the
bag. It constantly revolves, at the same
time having an up and down motion. On
the down stroke it forces the bran into the
sack, packing it solidly at the same time.
Two California inventors have devised a
toll -collecting apparatus for telephone. It
consists of the usual coin -in -the slot device,
with the addition of a clock -work apparatus
that automatically cuts out the telephone
when the time for the talk has expired.
A new instrument that possesses value
and novelty is a speculum for examining
horses' months. It is the invention of au
Illinois man, and consists of a bit broad
enough to keep the horse's mouth open and
an arrangement of reflectors to determine
easily the condition of • the throat and
mouth.
A Massachusetts man has invented a re-
-cording device for scales. Upon a roller is
placed a piece of paper upon which a mark-
er records the weighings of the scales as de-
sired. -
An Ohio man has devised a crib attach-
ment for beds consisting of a stout wire
frame -work forming tbe bottom, back and
two ends. This is placed on a Y-shaped
support fastened to the floor. The open
side of the crib is toward the bed and the
whole arrangement is very convenient,
while it is easily removable from its sup-
port.
v
A San Francisco woman has invented a
carving brace„to hold fowls in place, while
they are undergoing the process of carving.
The device is clamped to the edge of the
plate, and an adjustable fork extends at
right angles from "it, firmly holding the fowl
in place. The most inexperienced carver
can hack away at an old barn -yard favorite
without fear of its suddenly seeking the
floor.
” Well, if that does not beat me ! Heee
is my ring on my finger- ' she gasped.
" And I will be hanged if my cane does
not rest on this rack, right where I did not
look for it," he growled.
" Well, Henry,_ you must have been an
interesting individual for -early risers to
look at as you, arrayed in night attire,
galloped around the house," and she laugh-
ed until the tears stood in her eyes.
" This is some more of your smartness !
To awake a man out of a sound sleep, yell-
ing thieves and murder, to have him make
a show of himself. I would- not get out of
bed again if the house were lined with
thieves. You have yelled wolf once too -
often. I am no calf, to run and bleat every
time you hold out -a pailtoward me," he
howled:°= `-- - _ , ; -
"I was honest about it," she replied.
"Honest ! There is not an honest hair in
your head ! If the truth were known, you
had been lying awake for an hour, hatching
the whole thing. There is one thing sure -
you will use a soapbox for a swing rocker
Murder of an En?lishman in the Trans-
vaal.
News has just been received by the Afri-
can mail of the murder, on March 19, of
Mr. Thomas James, a native • of St. Just,
Cornwall, who had only returned to South
Africa last July, after spending a long holi-
day with his friends in England. Mr.
James, who was a miner, had been in ill
health, having suffered severely from influ-
enza since his return from England, and had
been begged by his Cornish friends to re-
turn home, but !raving recovered somewhat
he decided to remain at Johannesburg.
Having received a remittance from home
on March 19, he called at the Witpoorte
Hotel in the evening on his way from the
mine to his lodging, and treated many of
his friends most generously. He afterwards
left his friends and went towards his house
alone. - On his way he was waylaid and
murdered, and when his body was discov-
ered his skull was found to be literally
smashed in. The deceased's pockets had
been Wined inside out; abut the murderer
had evidently failed to find the pocket con-
tainingbank notes to the value of £25 and
seven sovereigns. A costly gold watch had,
however, disappeared. It is believed that
the murderer was a Kaffir, and efforts are
being mafde!to trace him. The deceased,
having so recently recovered from influenza,
was physically unfit to cope with his assail-
ant. James leaves a widow and six chil-
dren, who are now residing at St. Just. He
was very respectably connected.
faction of the public than men. -
Berlin is to have shortly a crematory
erected at the city's cost in the Friedrich-
sruh Cemetery, where bodies of the poor
and unknown and of the subjects of anatom-
ical investigation- at clinics and hospitals
will be reduced to ashes. The bodies from
the anatomists' tables alone number about
1,000 annually.
A curious marriage custom is recorded by
Dr. Post as existing in Southern India
among some of the more primitive non -
Aryan tribes. This consists in wedding a
girl to a plant, a tree, an animal, or even to
an inanimate object. the notion being that
any ill -luck which may follow an actual
marriage will be averted by a union of this
kind
The -little Queen of Holland already
speaks French and English fluently, but not
a word of German, for the prejudice of the
late King of Holland was so strong against
the German nation that he was sternly de-
termined that his daughter should never
learn the German language.
Mdlle. Pauling, a native of Queensland,
Holland, is said to be the smallest human
being in the world. She is nearly sixteen
years of age, her height is 18 inches, and
her weight 7-lh. Unlike most of the 'mid-
gets," she is remarkably pretty and accom-
plished, speaking four languages fluently.
Fireflies of the large kind and high -light-
ing power that abound in St. Domingo and
other West India islands are employed for
lighting purposes, being confined in lan-
terns both for going about the country at
night for the illumination of dwellings. By
attaching one of them to each foot while
travelling in the darkness they serve as a
guide to the path.
General surprise succeeded the funeral
of a rich man recently. At his request
four hundred of his intimate friends were
invited to the funeral, but only twenty-nine
went. The other three hundred and seventy•
one were somewhat dejected eight days
later, when the will was read. It gave to
each person who attended the funeral a sum
of money -81,000 to each man, and 81,600
to each woman.
It was largely the fashion in the six-
teenth, seventeenth and eighteenth centur-
ies with ladies of wealth to have their
watches richly incrusted with precious
stones, A lady's watch made towards the
end of the reign of Queen Elizabeth had a
gold case set with two hundred turquoise
stones arranged in eight concentric circles
with a single one in the middle. On the
upper portion of the case was a Tudor rose
of crimson and green in translucent enamel,
and on the margin crimson and blue leaves
and fruit in enamel. The balance wheel
was protected by a gilt cock.
German authors have petitioned the
Reichstag to afford them the protection in
the United States now enjoyed by French,
British, Belgian, and Swiss authors. The
petitioners urge the Government to make at
once declaration, required by the Copyright
law, that hereafter American authors will
ei9joy the same rights in Germany as German
authors.
Cha,naret, a small French township of
about 600 inhabitants, has had a windfall
whieh will for ever relieve the dwellers of
that happy spot of the burden of taxation.
On the will of an old miser being opened it
was found that he had bequeathed 600,000f.,
the whole of his hoarded wealth, to the
community. This will bring in a yearly
revenue of about £I,000,sufficieut,it is said,
to defray all the expenses of the parish, and
leave a surplus of about £100 to be expend-
ed as the municipality may determing. The
only conditions to the bequest are that a
stone tower, 90 feet high, with a clock and
a huge bell, shall be erected in memory of
the testator.
A Rare Girl.
Mrs. Grayneck " So George is engaged ?
Mrs. Tangletongue-" Yes, -he'll be mar-
ried in June,",,.. -
Mrs. Grayneck-" I hope he has a young
lady in every way worthy of him."
Mrs. Tangletougue-" Oh, yes, I think I
can safely say that:I am satisfied in every
way with his fiasco,'" -[Boston Courier.
The Largest Babies Ever Born.
The largest infant at birth of which there
is any authentic record was born in Ohio,
January 12, 1879. This remarkable pro-
gidy was the son of Mr. and Mrs. M. V.
Bates, the father being the "Kentucky
Giant" and the mother the " Nova Scotian
Giantess.1f The new born boy weighed ex-
actly 23¢ pounds, was 32 inches in height
had a foot six inches in length. The bead
of the child was 19 inches m circumference,
larger than that of the average 5 -year-old.
Prior to the birth of the Bates wonder
the London Hospital Museum boasted own-
ing the largest child ever born. Their
claimant was 24 inches in height and had a
head that measured 13a inches. On Octo-
ber 2, 1881, the wife of a prominent Was-
ington, D. C., business man gave birth to a
child of the following extraordinary pro-
portions : Weight, 22a pounds ; length,
24a inches ;circumference of head, In in-
ches; circumference of hips, 201 inches.
The leading scientific papers of the time
mentioned the fact that it was the largest
child ever born w01t the above exceptions.
Youthful Simplicity.
School Teacher-" Tohnay, what is the
•
se3ond letter of the aklahabet'?'
"Johnny-Don'tkncrw.'' 99
"What flies about the garden ?
"Wh"
" In the spring."
" Oh, Ien?know-mother after the hens."
Pro
menta
the su
In t
farms
porta
of a
two -r
to f
Lion,
of thi
It is t
quart.
ley gr
52 lbs
Loud
by on
barle
differ
warde
thorot
super
much
ed by
machi
form i
The
tober
Cana
tains
ley at
proses
J. FI
O. S
"In
pleasu
sampl.
last,
sively
the D
"Fr
and
brewe
Canal
from s
brewe
justifi
out an
fore p
upon i
ly as p
a' -thou
than I
Englis
the ha
way t
stages
cessiv
exceed
was pr
of the
good.
as I u
the bre
ed to t
good q
results
" Th
ceedin
terial.
T
per qu
facts
malt,
value
that h
tract, s
poasibl
but I
prefera
puanti
" Th
tirely
people
wit hou
ceedin
"Sh
comple
either
ed int
shall b
posaL
cient f
much p
bre wer
class w
stood i
" Oc
This
shows
will me
e r,
sampl
than t
receiv
from fa
Favo
l)arley
hand,
crop of
better
of yiel
been re
tario, a
have
oared.
iu On
tion fr
the tw
rowel ;
to have
but lige
lots, w
'ery un
vas als
recei vel
to have
resulte
appoiui
to wan
gradin
with th
care in
him its
prat_ ti
visited
ley bus
ferring
pers h
or pure
not equm
ers who'
at the
with th
sold, bu
samples
dian bas;
the lar
grains,
floors, -
English
This gel;
the Gane
lish mar;
favour
tried it. i
Other
fully of 1'
says:
handled
seed, h
and I
ward to
likewise
Anot
connect'
Id _N9
Britain
rowed
receie-
anh