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The Huron Expositor, 1870-02-25, Page 14111111011101OMMI 18, 1870. Wr--011 EAPEST. NEW -YORKER, ILIXSTRATED and Family Weekly. . T. MOORE; a Rochester. N. Y. :0, this famous Journal characterristics of a first- . y. Family and Business —making it the OF ITS CLASS' deled in size and vastly im- and. ia new not only the id Best, but also the largest m its sphere. Superior in triety of contents, as well aa rations, anti having a con- -with tens of thoueands of lath Town and Country—the rIRESIOE FAVORITE! ..et Talent in the Land—hav- ae and hundreds of Special 'Irrespoudente —and being an rity on Practical, Scientific 6, an e-echange truly says of is, the most elegantly printed circulated and. heartly Wel- -hclit whichnow finds its way partment, lately introduced, iv. W. F. Clarke, of Guelph, eer of the Canada Farmer. liTS RURAL PAYS fruits, flowers, vegetables. &c. ale, (in city village or Suburb.) planters, horticulturists, stock .e-ers, dairymen, poultry Fan- eippensable. In the family it its literary and miscellaneoue siting -choice and entertaining rhe Ratal's AND- CROP REPORTS Aiable., Indeed, being 'ably and Printed in extra style, ountry„:Village and City, the per for yonrself, family and . w monthly or semi-monthly, beautiful illustrated weekly, -- ie it former size, its Subacript- renchanged ! 5T1LE, TERMS, &e. tor 1870, will be published in ...cb number comprising sixteen pages, (of five columns each.) and neatly printed on, book ar m clubs of ten or more, is, 20- cts. a year extra, for e. Subscribe and Club Now ! its to- club agents—Over one e premiums, ranging in price ! Specimens, Premium. Lists, ierit free, always hailed from _Rochester t of a famed ;ermine and fruit herein several of it:Editor and ide,t but as its principal Publi- low ia New York, all letters ta T. mooRE, 41 Park Row, New York. AND COMFORT 'tING OF PERFECT SIGHT. ungsovalaable asperfecteight, and an only be obtained by ueing les, the difficulty of procuring enema irua &- Morris, Oculists & Optici- , Conn., Manufacturers of the feted Spectaeles, have after years and the- erection of costly ma - enabled to produce that Grand e Perfect Spectacles, which have h unlimited satisfaction to the Uaited States, Prince Edward's Doreinien of Canadaduring the ..ars those Celebrated Perfected eer tire the eye, and last many i change. for Seafortb, M R. Counter, froni iey can be procured. !LAZARUS,. MORRIS & CO.. _Montreal. EMPLOY NO PEDLERS. Wify. 2 -1st, 18.70: 764y. ORTH NGMILL SASH, DOOR., ANI) AND FACTORY! :•-ribers beg leave to tender their sin- s to their numerous cestomers ,and. large, for the very liberal patronage e commencing business in Seaforth. have now a very largeotock of Dry . on hand, and having hitely enlarged e and added New • ery (there - their facilities for doing work with. - Ley feel confident of giming every sa- • k th(m e who en y favour them with age, as none but first-class workmen I., attention paid to custom planing. BROADFOOT & GRAY. Jan'y. 21st, 1870. NT ACT OF 1864, AND 1869 hada, of Ontario, of Huron, of Huron. - Wit: Matter of JAMES WATLING, An Insolvent. ty the 25th da.y of February next, clock in the forenoon, the undersigny to the jodge of the said Court for a rider the said Act. Goderich, in the County of Huron ey of January. A. D., 1870. JAMES WATLING, By HAYS. & ELWOOD, His Attornies a& litene In the County Court of the County Is Read This• ! II pay agaits a salary of $30 per week expenses, or allow a large commission, new- wonderful iieventions. • M. WAGNER & Co., Marshall, Mich - 4111111111111111111111111r WM. F. LUXTON, "Freedom, in Trade—Liberty in Religion—Equality in Civil Rights". EDITOR & PURISM, VOL. 3 - NO. 12, SEAFORTH, FRIDAY, -FEBRUARY 25, 1870. WHOLE O. 116. BUSINESS CARDS. MEDICAL. 11TRACY, M. D., Coroner for the County of . Huron. Office and Residence—One door East of the Methodist Episcopal Church. • Seaforth, Dec. 14th, 1868 53-ly TT L. VERCOE, M. D.�. M., Physician, Sur - 111. etc.. Office and Residence, corner of Market and High Street, immediately .in rear of Kidd & McMulkin's Store. - Seaforth, Feb. 4th. 1870. 53-1y. -1FIR. W. R. SMITHe Physician, Surgeon, etc. If Office,—Opposite Veal's Grocery. Resi.-6 dence—M ain-street, North. • Seaforth, Dec. 14, 1863. '53-1y- . T CAMPBELL, M, 110. M., (Graduate of Mc-: • Gill University, Montreal) Physician, Sur- geon, etc., Seaforth. Office and Residence—Old Post Office Building, up stairs, where he will be : found by night or day when. at home. Seaforth, July,15th, 1869. 84-1y LEGAL. CIL CAMERON, Barrister and Attorney -at Law, Goclerich. Ont. De.cember 14th, 1869. • ' ILTAYS k-ELWOOD, Barristers and Attorneys at Law, Solicitors in Chancery, Notaries Public Conveyancers, etc. Office..2- Over Mr Archibild's Store, Crabb's Block, Goderich Ont. Money to Lend, W'. TORRANCE HAYS, ° 3. Y. ELWO9D. Seaforth, Dec; 14th,- 1868 53-1y. 10110 ENSON & MEYER,. Barristers and Attorney I) at Law, Solicitors in Chancery and. Insolv- -ency, Conveyancers, Notaries Public, eta Of- fices,--Seaforth and Wroxeter. Agents for the Trust and Lean Co, of Upper Canada, and the Colonial Securities Co. of London, England. Money at 8 per cent; no commission, charged. aes. II. BENSON, H. W. C. MEYER, Seaforth, Dec. 10th 1868. 53-ly ir 9C A.UG HEY HOLMSTE AD, Barristers, a31_ Attorneys at Law, Solicitors in Chancery and insolvency, Notaries Public and Conveyanc- ers. Solicitors for the R. C. Bank, Seaforth, - Agents for the Canada Life Assurance Co. N. B. —$30,000 to lend at 8 per. cent. Farms, Houses -and Lots for sale. Seaforth, Deo 14th, 1868. 53-tf. PF. WALKER. Attorney -at -Law and So- licitor -in -Chancery, Conveyancer, Notary &c. Office of the Clerk of the Peace, Court House, Goderich, Ont. N.B.—Money to lend at 8 per cent on Farm Lands. Goderich, Jan'y. e8. 1870. 112-1y. DENTAL. G. W. HARRIS, L. D. S. Artie -ficial Dentures inserted with all the • latest improvements. The greatest care taken fur tne preservation of decayed and tender teeth. Teeth - extracted without pain. Rooms over Collier's Store. Seaforth. Dec. 14, 1898. ly. HOTELS. 0 HARP'S HOTEL, Livery Stable; and Genera 0• Stage Office, Main -street. R.L SHARP, Prop. Seaforth, Jan. 8th, 1869. - 53 :tf, • COMMERCIAL HOTEL, AinleYville, Jameti kj Laird, proprietor, affords •firat-class accomt modation-for the travelling public. The larder • and bar are always supplied with the best the markets afford. • Excellent stabling in connection A inleaville, April 23, 1869. 70-tf. T:It. ROSS, Proprietor New .Dominion Hotel, , begs to inform the- people of Seaforth and the travelling community generally, that hekeeps -first-class accommodation in every thing required by travellers. A good stable and willing hostler always on hand, Regular Boarders will receive every necessary attention. • Seaforth, Feb. 8th, 1869. 63-1y. ARCHITECTS. • MMLL & ROOKE, Architects, eta Plans •0 -C and Specifications drawn comedy. Carpen- • ter's, Plasterer's, and Maeon's work, measured and -valued.. Office -L -Over J. C. Detior & Co.'s store, Court -House Square, G-oderich. • Goderich, April 23, 1869. • 79- ly. TTENRY WA,TKINSON, Architect and Build- er. Plans, Specifications aril Details drawn correctly. Every description of Building Works • measured and 'valued. Bills of quantities pre- pared. OFFICE. —Next door North Of Mr. Hick- sca's old store, Seaforth. Seaforth, June 9th, 1869. 79- tf SURVEYORS.. fel & W. MallILLIPS, Provincial Land Sur - Vire veyors, Civil Eneineers, etc. All manner. of Conveyancing done with neatness and dispatch. G. McPhillips, Conamiasioner in 'B. R. Office— Next door south Of Sharp's Hotel, Seaforth. Seaforth, Dec. 14, 1868. • 53-ly . AUCTIONEER. , IIAZLEHURST, -Licensed Auttioneer fo JJ„ the County of Huron. Goderich, Ont Particular attention paid. to the sale of Bankrupt Stock. Farm Stock Sales attended on Liberal Terms. Goods Appraised, Mortgages Foreclosed, Landlords Warrants Executed Aleo, Bailiff tfFirst Division Court fer Thiron. Goderich, June 9th, 1869. • 76. tf, A CANADIAN SONG. BY MES. mooDIE. • 'Oh can you leave your native land, An exile's bride to be ; Your mother's home and cheerful heerth, To tempt the main with me— Across the wide and stormy sea To trace our foaming track, And know the wave that heaves us on Will never bear us back? And can you in Canadian, woods With me the harvest bind, Nor feel one lingering sad regret, For all you leave behind? - Can those dear hands unused to toil, The woodman's wants supply, Nor shrink beneath the chilly blast When wintry storms are nigh? Amid the shades of forests dark, • Our loved eye will appear • An Eden, whom; delicious bloom Will make the wild more drear— And you in solitude will weep • • O'er scenes beloved, in vain, And pine away your life to view Once more your native plain. Then pause, dear girl, ere these fond lips Your wanderer's fate decide ; My'spirit spurns the selfish wish— You must not be my bride— But oh, that smile, those tearful eyes My firmer purpose move— Our hearts are one—and. we will dare • All perils thus to love." PARLIAMENT. _ FRIDAY. , The Speaker took the chair at 3 o'clock. Mr. MACKENZIE said that in addressing the House for a short time upon the topics which were contained in his Excellency's Speech, it would be his duty to remark not °illy upon the state of public affairs, but on the composition end character of the administration of public affairs at the present time. In doing so, it might be necessary to revert, not merely to what had been done wrong in their estimation, but also to what the Government had failed to do. Acts of mis- sion were equally as prejudicial to the interests of the count*: as wrong acts of connnission. — One honorable gentleman, in a recent deliverance to the public, had annoiriced.that a very danger- ous state of society had , xisted in the country, a statement that was entirely at variance with the declaration put into His Excellency's mouth by his advisers. He alluded to the extraordinary statement made by the Minister of Finance when he said in the letter which he had quoted yester- day, that not only are the lives an properties of the inhabitants endangered by an organized body of lawless men in the neighboring States, but persons in various parts of the cohntry are agita- ting some avowedly and some secretly for Annex- ation to those States! He (Mr.- Mackenzie) be- lieved it to be a calumny upon the country; and entirely without foundation. To say that the state of the public weal was in so dangerous a •condition, that an armed band. of Fenians were on their border, and that it was not fit to call the attention of Parliament to it, was- what he utter- ly denied. They had had many extraordinary complications which existed in the •Ministerial camp ; they had the statements from members of the Government who had recently joined, both on one side and on •the other. They had one, against the other, and such a state of discord, in- ternal discontent and feud existing, as would justify him in characterizing them as a leader of the House characterized 'Sir Robert Peel's Ad- ministration—"as aggregate of hypocrisy." Sir Joile MACDONALD—" Organanized hy- poerisy." • Mr. MACKENZIE—" Yes ;" an organized hy- pocrisy at ene time, but now, as my hon. friend on my right suggests, it has evidentlY become a • " disorganized" one. (Cheets.) The leader of the Government congratulated himself in 1864, that the Reform party had been broken up and • disorganized, and he congratulated himself upon having been the chief promoter engaged in ac- complishing that result. But he (Mr. Mackenzie) thought that the hon. gentleman might now con- • gratulate -himself further, on not only having achieved the distinction which he seemed then to covet, but also on:having effected the disorgani- zation of the Conservative party. Sir Gno. E. CARTIER : There was no such: ar- rangement as that you speak about with regard to the Province of Ontario. Mr. MAcKENZIE said that it was by reason of this movement to which he had referred that the Government had been successful in carrying the elections. While some of their (the Govern- ment's) supporters had fallen away, and while all the alliances formed subsequently by them, were adverse to the idea prevalent at the Union, yet they had made other conquests. His hon. friend the Secretary of State, who had come into the House as a strong opponent of the Govern- • ment, had said that there were two alters set up in the House—one at which, Abel worshipped, and another, at which Cain paid his devotions. He (Mr. Mackenzie) would like tie know from that hon. gentieman whether he now preferred to pay his devotions, not at Abel's altar, but at that of Cain? He (Mr. Mackeuzie) was exceedingly de- sirous to know whether his hon. friend could worshipwithmore good to himself, and moie at ease at Cain's altar than an Abel's ? He had him- self been branded as a Fenian, an Annexationist, and a disloyal person, although he had, given his earnest support, at the expense ahnost of his political consistency, in order to accomplish the Union of the Provinces. Yes, sir, continuedthe speaker,. "as my friend here suggests to me, I was branded even as the friend of the now Secre- tary of State." (Cheers.) Sir GEORGE CARTIER There is no harm in that. Mr. MACKENZIE, `‘yes 'this man was described • as a rebel, as an advocate of .Annexation, and the Browns, Mackenzies, and McKellars were classed as allies of this "dangerous man." And now we find the dangerous man sitting cheek by jowl with the Government. (Chem.) • Sir G. Canannt—"We took him in to avoid the danger." Hon., Ma Howz said it was only by the Globe that these reports were put into circulation. Mr. Macamezre said it was a good sign when a -person deserted from the Liberal side and went over to the Government side, that the first thing • • thatehe was asked to do, thet he was obliged to do, Was to abuse the Globe newspaper. lt was satisfactory to find that all the members who came into the traces of the first, Minister of ,the Crown should begin to abuse the Globe news- paper. The fact was well known that if the Opposition succeeded in bringing thirty-two or thirthy 'three Liberal members to that House, they succeeded simply in defiance of those gen- tlemen's actions,. and that they had never at- tempted to make charges against their opponents, preferringto take a more manly and. honest course; but if that was really the case—if those accusations were correct—what was the reason why the Ministry had not in the slightest degree advanced? The reason was simply because this combination or Coalition, or conspiracy, call it • what they might, was not formed with a view to advance the Union, but, in order to advance si political party, that it might sustain the leaders of a political party in a position in which they might hold sway for theaext ten years by virtue of the expenditure on thd Intercolonial Railroad. I think Mr. -McDougall wag -seriously to blame for not proceeding at once to discharge the object of his mission. This • question simply occurs whether Mr. McDougall had time after receiving his instructions t� reach the Territory before the breaking out of the so-called insurrection. If our Government had carried out the original •agreement, it wonld have facilitated the intro- duction of Canadian authority into the Territory. • ,f have alluded to some of the many , faults and great wrongs done by the present Administration in the matter of the union of the Provinces; and it remains to consider -whether in the ordinary • administration of affairs they have made up the great loss and evil they have inflicted on. the country. Instead of this, however, we find all the Departments of the Government in a state of disorganization : only less great than that which exists in the ranks of the Government itself. The Financial Department is in such a state of utter •disorder that it is quite impossible to give the slightest attention to any document coming from. it. Last session a report was taken three times for correction and came back , incorrect after all. The balances are false. The late Finance Minis- ter brought clown a statement made in 1868, showing the amount of interest on the public debt. At tb.e beginning of the next session we were in- formed that there was an error of $200,000 or $300, 000,. We find that most extraordinary irregularities have taken place in the Receiver General's Department • that there has been no proper system of book-keeping ; that the ledger has not been posted for years ; that it is very nearly impossible for eny one to get a proper statement of ouralebentlitre debt. make these statements simply becaulse they ei e known to everyone. and the extraordinary revelations made inconnection with one of!the officers of the Gov- ernment some time ago show a state of things which no merchant in the country could endure. and which would bring 4ny ordinary commercial affair into ruin in a couple of months. There is another of extreme impottance—I allude to the management of the Government. Not content with thirteen Ministers in the Cabinet, they brought before this House a Bill appointing four Railroad Commissioners to arrange and manage the letting of contracts, These Commissioners appear to act in entire hostility to the report and advice of the Chief Engineer—an experienced officer placed in that important position by a former Government. We hear complaints that the system of letting out contracts will ensure further disaster and immense outlay. I believe that the selection of the road will be naturally hostile to the mercantile interests of nine -tenths • of the population of the country. With regard to the Government's policy of banking, I desire to make one or two remarks. I paid particular attention to the explanation given by the head of the Government last. night, and he said the measure which would be brought down would be the samein its general principles as that of last year with some modifications. Now, if the Gov- ernment Mean that they are merely to introduce the banking law of last year with some new modi- ficatiens to satfsfy bankers alone, they will find that what will satisfy the bankers will not satisfy the commercial community. I cannot believe that my hon. friend, - the member. for South Lanark*, who has always maintained opinions at variance with the banking measure in question, will give it his support. The Minister of Justice said last night there wee no reconstruction of the Government • that it was the same as it had al- ways been. Now, one of the last things the Hon. John Rose told us last year, was that this Banking measure would be submitted this session and that in the interval there would be a change of sentiment in the public mind. I can't believe that the hon. member for South Lanark would stultify himself -by entering the Cabinet when such a measure was to be brought forward. If he does support this schem- e I shall withdraw from him every little portion of my confidence which he possesses. (Laughter.) I now come to the question of Militia affairs, There is a para- graph in the Address from the Throne in which the Governor-General felicitates the country on the fact that the Militia Act has been enade a success. I know something of the feeling of the •Volunteer Foree on this matter, and I never yet met an officer who was satisfied with the Militia Aet. In Montreal, on a recent- parade, five regi- ments mustered only 198 men aed one battalion, and an entire battalion, numbered but 30 men; while the whole force at present does not come up to the strength of an Ordinary battalion. • If the .Act is successful, it s becalm the people are determined, in Ontario at least, to maintain the defence of the country. The country is prosper- ous because of the vigorous action of its people— s circumsttee which the Government finds it impossible prevent. If such a Government as this had a polpulation like that of one of the South American republics, they would have a revolu- tien every week; butes we are a people accustom- ed to self-government, we can submit to a great deal, and endeavor to change things by constitut- ional means. • According to the 69th resolution of the Quebec Conference, the Government were bound to proceed with improving the internal navigation of the western lakes; but there is not the slightest reference in the Speech to -thie point. If this is a species of political morality, I pity the Conservatives of the country if such a solemn pledge was given it, was that the Liberals should be represented in the Cabinet. Now the Finance Minister tells us ' they would be rightly served if the Minister of Justice filled the . three offices with Conservatives. I commend that statement to the careful consideration of every public man, and every journal in Ontario. If the Government in power were the only men in the country who maintained the Union of the Pro- vinces, it would be our duty to support them; but the Finance Minister takes it for granted that all but these heaven -born -Ministers were opposed to the Union of the Provinces and British con- • nection, and were in favor of Anoexation - but I can infoien him that only for the reform party the Confederation of the Provinces would never have taken place. I do not know that I have much more to say, but I may advert to one thing, and that is the statement made yesterday byethe Finance Minister, with regard to the public at - counts. He was not able to give us any approxi- mate time as to when he would be able to have these accounts ready. He gave as a reason that change of circumstances had produced disarrange- ment of offices and duties in the Lower Provinces, and so it was impossible to obtain froin them the statements at so early a day as was desirable.— We were told that Same story the first seseion.--- When the hon. member for Sherbrooke made that statement iii the first session I was satisfied he was correct. Tha second sessian I was still will- • ing to mike the same allowance, and so in the third; but in other sessions are we to be told the very same story ? If the officers are so incompe- tent in Nova Scotia and New Brunswick, as not to understand the public accounts in three yen.; it is time to make some changes. • MONDAY The opening of the adjourned debate was made by a Speech from Mr. 'Iowa. The Hon. Gentle- man endeavored to refute the statements made both by previous speakers and the Press as t; his conduct in connection. with the Red River matters. Mr. McDougall replied, hedging in, Ma Howe pretty effectively. Messrs. Bble and Holton followed. - Sir. F. Ilineks entered into a lenghtly defence of Coalition, and attempted to • explain the causes for issuing his recent ciroular ; but being rather closely pressed, by members, he made anything but a success. Sir. A. T. Galt replied, going -back to Sir. Francis Hineks' former Administration; and explained at length his views on "Independence, • TUESDAY. The debate was continued and concluded on the evening of this day. Some sharp -shooting was indulged in by Members. • Mocks, Howe and McDougall coming M for very heavy shares of criticism. • 1.---- ErfROPEAN NEWS. FRANCE, , The trial of the editors of the Revell (irreconci- lable organ) for violation of the Presstaw has just been brought to a close. M, Delesdanset, chief editor, was sentenced_ to imprisonment for thirteen months, and to pay a fine of 2,000 francs. M. Caron, another editor, was sentenced to six months imprisonment, and 2,000 francs fine. The Government has proof of a plot to assassi- nate the Emperor and Prince Imperial, ancl seized a plan, foundfon one of the prisoners, to throw bombs through the Emperor's window at the Tuileries. France objects to the proposed dogma of In- fallibility because if admitted, French Bishops would no longer be answerable to common law. M. de Fouvielle has been sentenced to six months' imprisonment, and to pay a fine of 500 francs, for violation of the Press Law. Henri Rochefort writes from prison to the Mareeilluise that the Perfect of Police has seized his editorial articles. He complains that while up to the pres- • ent time incarcerated journalists have been al- lowed to write to newspapers, he has been denied the usual privilege notwithstanding he is e De- puty in the Corps Legislatif, and has not been de- prived of civil rights. The decision of the High Court is more serious than was reported. By order of the Court, dated 18th February, 1870, Pierre Napoleon Bonaparte is to be judged :—Firstly, for having committed "Voluntary Homicide" on the person of Victor Noir, and that this was preceded or followed by. an attempt on the person of Ulrich Fouvielle ; and secondly, for having "attempted the homicide of Fouvielle. ' This order places the Prince under article 304 of the Penal Code—the punishment being death. In the case of extenuating circum- stances the Court can lessen the sentence by two degrees. BRITAIN. A Fenian demonstration • was announced to take place at Cork on the 16th; but it was sup- pressed by the authorities. The released Fenians are to have a grand public reception at Dublin. t The Irish members of the Ilouse of Commons have all agreed to accept the Land Reform Bill introduced by Mr. Gladstone. • The Saturday Review notes approvingly the ac- ceptance of Mr. Gladstone's Land Reform Bill by the Irish Members of the House of • Commons. The writer thinks that the Irish people will also accept it, unpalatable though it be, as the first in- stalment of reform. The Daily Telegraph is assured that Lord Derby will accept the Conservative leadership of the House of Lords. • SPAIN. Carlist disturbances, reported at • Muscle, 1 Calatayua, and other places have been promptly suppressed. • Indications are unmistakeable that the Carlists are plotting for a general outbreak in -the spring. • The Government is awareof their •designs, and prepared to meet them. • GENERAL. • The Diet at Stockholm has passed a law ad- mitting Dissenters and Jews to political rights. The King signed the law immediately. • BERLIN, Feb. 19.—The Reichstag has been the scene of animated discussions during the past few days on the policy of Count Von Bismark. He was bitterly attacked by many of the menizbe8Y • • NORK, Feb. 19.—Steamer Tybee from Saint Domingo brings news that President Baez has completed arrangements for the popular vote on the question of annexation to the United States. The feeling in ita favor is growing and a large majority for it expected The revolution- ary movement is virtually ended. A Brazilianscouting party found 1,000 women in a starving condition, of whomonly 400 had strength to COMO. away, and reporta the road covered with other women lanced or with their throata cut by the scouts of LOpez. Deserters say that Lopez is constructing canoes to cross the Paraguay or to descend the Parana also that he •is habitually drurik, and that he by:a fortificatien 350 yards long defended by 700 men and four guns at Panedero,' meths Aqua Ray River. VARIETIES. The wont millers are those w o grind -the faces of the poor. ,Some lawyers resemble folks ho sleep in 214y position, it is immaterial on which side, they lie. The gas is so bad in a certain country town that the man who puts it out uses a lantern. to find the lamp -posts. • "Bill, I eat a good deal of fish now, they say its good for the brain." "1st it ? Well, John, buy you a Whale !" • Advice, says Coleridge, is like the snow—the softer it falls the longer it dwells upon and the deeper it sinks into the mind. An exchange says : ''There are one hondred and fifty waterfalls within ten miles of Ithaca, New York." How many chignons? At Vicksburg, the frequenters of whiskey res- orts are not asked what liquor they prefer, but are asked to " nominate your family distur- bance . "Mike, they tell me iou've got a twin brother:" so 'tile Me brother Pat is twin to roeself, Only he's born in Ireland' and me in Amenity." The members of the California "Moderation Society" bind themselves to drink only -wine, beer, and cider, except when they are discour- aged, when. whiskey is to be allowed. "Tom., how do you do ?" "Mountain dew," was the ready response. It is only necessary to state that Tom had just imbibed a glass or two of. the popular beverage named. • Josh 13111ings says "there is no real satisfaction in laying up in your buzzum an injury, than there is in stuffing a dead hornet who hez stung you, and keeping him to look at. An Irishman and a Scotchman met at a tavern, when there was but one bed for them. On re- tiring, the Scotehman said he did not care which side of the bed he -took. "Then," said Pat "you may take the under side:' "What—tipsy again ? " said a wife -to her hus- band. "No, my dear," said he,'not tipsy, but a little slippery. The fact is, somebody has been rubbing my boots till they are as Smooth as gl ass'. - A Scotch clergyman, speaking a drowsy ser- mon asked, "What is the prize of earthly pleas- ure ?" The deacon. a fat grocer, woke up hastily from a sound sleep, and cried out lustily, "Seven and sixpense a dozen." A man lately made application for insurance on a building situated in a village where there was no fire -engine. He was asked : "What are the facilities in your village for extinguishing a fire?" "Well, it raMs sometimes," he replied, with great simplicity. Itinerant Vender; "Gie US a _Christmas -box, G-uvnor ? I allus has my teeth thawed 'ere. Prac- tioner: iight, my man' Step inside, and take out one for nothing." (Itinerant vendor does not seem to see the pull of it). • Rough [to Reverned inquiring for Bethesda Chapel]: 'D'ye know the Three Tuns public - house ? No 1, Well, then, ye know the small bup at the corner o' Moon street, as Joe Smiley keeps, and the Fancy uses? Don't know that ? Well, ye know Bill Smith's ----the Gold Diggin s public-leouse ? No ! Lor, bless ye, ye don't know nothing—better ax a pieeceinan." "Why, Bridget," said a lady who wished to rally her servaut girl for the amusement of the eompany, upon the fantastic ornamenting of a huge pie, "clid you do this'?" You're quite an artist, pray, how did you do it ? -"Inelade mum, it was myself that did it," replied Bridget "Isn't' it pretty? I did it with your false teeth mum!'" "What shall I help you to `.0) inquired h land- lady's daughter of a modest youth at the dinner - table. "A wife," was the meek reply. The young lady blushed, perhaps intlignently, and it is said that the kindly offices of a neighboring clergyman were requisite to reconcile the par- ties. A petulent old lady having refused a suiter to her niee:a he expostulated with her, and request- ed herplainly to divulge her reasons. "I see the villian in your face " said she. " That's a per- sonal reflection, madam," he answered. A venerable member of the Presbytery, lately fell into a e,ertain canal. He was drawn out half drowned and conveyed to a house in the neighbor- hood and put to bed, "will ye tak some epirits and water sir" asked his considerate host. Na, na ! I have had plenty of water for ae day; Pll tak the speerits noo. A Methodist preacher in America, bragging how well he had instructed some Indians. in re- ligion, called upon one of them, and, a.fter some questions, asked him if he had not foundgreat comfort last -Sunday, after receiving the sacra- • meot ? "Aye, master," repliedlhe savage, 'but I wish it had been brandy:" A lady, in passing through Connecticut last summer, observed the followin' g notice on a board :--" horses taken into grass : long tails, 3s. 6d, short tails, 2s." She asked theowner of the land the reason of the difference of price. Ile answered—"You see Ma'am, the long tails can brush away the flies, but the short ones are so tormented by them, that they can hardly eat At all." A poor Irishman applied to a magistrate for relief; and upon some doubt being expressed as to whether he was &proper object for parochial relief he enforced his suit with much earnest- ness. -40ch, yer honour," said he, 'sure I'd be starved tang since bet for me cat."—Tut for what?" asked the astonished interrogator.—Sly cat,' rejoined the leishman.—"Your cat—how so "—'Sure, yer honor, I sould her eleven times for sixpence a time, and she was always home before I got there myself." • Marshal Turneue, happening one hot day to be looking out the window of his ante -chamber, in a white waistcoat and night-cap, a servant entering the room, deceived by his dress, inist.akes hint. for one of the under -cooks. She came softly be- hind him, and witha hand which Was none of the lightest, gives him a violent -slap on thebreechee. The Marshal instantly turns about, and the fele low, frightened out of his wits, beholds the face of his master. Down he drops on his knees—Ohl my lord, I thought it was George." "And sup- pose it had been George," replied the Marshal, -rubbing his breech "you need not have strnck so hard. • A printer's devil wanting to kisslis sweetheaet addressed her as follows :—"Miss Lucy, aan .1 have the pleasure of placing my 'imprn' upon your bill ?"