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Zurich Herald, 1946-08-29, Page 3,t. Egotist "Did anyone in your family ever snake .a brilliant marriage?" "Only my wife." Keep Away "Bill got his nose broken in three places," "Well, if he takes my advice he'll keep out of those places in future." But Not By Gallup Many people wonder why, with all the numberless queries put forth by the Gallup poll, they have never been questioned. A certain Boston dowager, on meeting Dr. Gallup, •demanded to knov• why she had been ignored. "Why, madam," protested Dr. Gallup, "don't you realize that, considering the millions of indivi- duals in the United States, your chances •of being interviewed by one of my men are about equal to your chance of being struck by lightning?" Really?" the lady rejoined. "Well, I have been struck by light- ning!" Good "When I applied for a job the manager asked if my T unctuation was good." "And what did you tell him?" "I said I'd never been late for work in my life." A. Lesson Well Learned The memory expert had been given his turn in the village hall. The audience had not been enthusi- astic, and the questions asked at the end of the show really infuri- ated the man. When one dear old lady cane up and asked him to what he at- tributed his remarkable memory, he thought it was time to call it a day. "Well, madam," he explained, without a smile, "when I was 'n the Air Force, I once had to make a parachute jump from a height never before atterhpted. Just as I jumped from the 'plane,' the pilot leaned over the side and yelled: 'Hi, you've forgotten your para- chute!' Believe it or not, madam, that taught me a lesson, and I've never forgotten anything since." Let Out • The prisoner was on trial for stealing ducks. His counsel ad- dressed the jury at great length, pointing out, firstly, that it had not been proved conclusively that the prosecutor had lost any ducks; secondly, that the ducks found in the prisoner's cottage were not those of the prosecutor; thirdly, that the prisoner had established an absolute alibi. Just as the judge began to sum up the prisoner interposed and asked if he might say something. As an indulgence, this- was per- mitted. "All f want to say," remarked the prisoner, "is that I wish I'd never seen the darned ducks." A Life of Ease "What would you do if you married a rich woman?" "Absolutely nothing." The Night Before On the ninth stroke of the clock Simpson awoke with a start. "Gosh, what a head I've got," he groaned. "1 can't go to the office today." He reached for the phone and called his boss' private trumber. "It's no use wrapping things up," he confessed. "Last night I was out with some pals and I'rn ashamed to say I overdid it. 1 wonder if I could take the day off, air?" "Well," carne the boss' voice over the phone, "I admire your candor, Simpson, and I shall ex- pect you at 8.00 tomorrow. As for the day off, it's yours. Today is Sunday." Speaking About Time "Pardon me, but have you the correct time?" "Don't keep any artificial time, mister. It's jest milkin' time and I don't pretend to be any statisti- cian. If you're a city daylight sav- in' man you kin do your own add- in', subtractin' or multiplyin'." Got Acquainted • Dora: "What became of that bashful than and bashftil girl you were telling me about?" Jack: "Oh, I introduced them to each other and in three week, they were engaged." Nothing "1 hear Smith called you an idiot." "Only in a roundabout way." "How was that?" "He said that in the matter of intelligence you and I had nothing to quarrel about." Rhubarb Pie Two workmen sat 'down to eat their lunch, and one began un- wrapping a parcel about 18 or 20 inches long, "What's that?" asked his friend. "Well, my wife is away, so I made a pie for myself:." "A bit long, isn't it?" "Of course it's long. It's rhu- bar h." OUT OUR WAY /7 I DON' -l' MIND PACIS3' i YOUR LOOT .ER `1OUR 14105 HERE, FREE GRATIS—BUT WHEN ,YOU COME TO TR"/IN' TO FIND Th' KEYHOLE WITH A DISH QF JITTER GELA- TIIJE PUDDiN' 11\11H' SAME HAND,' THEN 1 DEMAND NOT (DIVVY WAGES 1 BUT 'TIME AND A HALF./ I 611 By J. R. Williams OH'r'fl''ly , SHIP' UP! I Vi;S ! b DaN'T DARE TO SET 11' It, !' ! DOWN --THE DOC-, i1111 WOULD BE RIG1-11 INTO 11', QR `I0U'D STEP IN IT. N J. ? WILU41M , WHY MOTHERS GE r GRAY cOru. Tnn. 4 14g7V114. INC, 1U.S.Nay ad Le der HORIZONTAL 1,6 Pictured U. S. naval commander, Vice Adml. — Howard 12 Merge 13 Give 14 His — is active in the Pacific 15 English statesman 17 Sicilian volcano 19 River (Sp.) 20 Ascends 22 Fish 23 Melodies 250ne who paces 27 Area measure 28 Upward 29 Paid notice 30 Accomplish 31 Yes (Sp.) 32 Universal language 33 Symbol for actinium 35 Transpose (ab.) 36•Krone (ab.) 37 Mother 39 His ships the Japs 41 Acid fruit 43 Light brown 44 Bombard fiercely 49 Goddess of infatuation 50 Position 52 Italian city 53 Wintry blanket 54 Containing nitrogen 56 Stage performer 58 Rogues 59 Erects VERTICAL 1 Younger 2 Vegetable 3 Louse egg 4Near 5 Soothsayer 6 Roman date 7 Not any 8 Guinea (ab.) 9 Girl's name 10 Garrett 11 Repaired a ■ Answer' to Previous Puzzle mOLt It3d®- G1C�]GiL�lL�l. ffIZIE1551310 OW 00' ©©1r3ti0. ©i;101:30, Di7�00 LaDIMI©r .. LAUREN i e qtr.Y d(!:l mocuf R BACALL D�IL I 1 I!1 ©CIKR 17:1 QUI Irr�i OINIDIMENIM1101 !©© 14 Bear 16 The gods 18 Aircraft 20 Seeks to attain 21 Glitter 24 Blasts 26 Idolize 33 Performs 40 Caper 42 Demesne estate 45 Journey 46 Fabulous birds 47 Part of"be" 48 Dread. 51 Greek letter 34 Series of links 53 Station (ab.) (pl.) 55 Ream (ab) 37 Engines 57 Symbol for 38 Afresh cerium VOICE OF THE PRESS Or Was Restaurant portions may get smaller this summer, we are told. So when the waiter brings us a damp plate, we'll know that our soup's there somewhere, —London. Opinion. No Steel Strike There British occupation zone in Ger- many is suffering from sharp food, coal and consumer goods short- ages. But no steel strike. —Windsor Star, Auto Equality Automobiles were so scarce that Ottawa discontinued the priority system. Result: Every Canadian now has an equal chance at not getting a new car. —Time. On Its Own inflation in Canada will really be under way when the 23 -cent meal, which now costs 50 cents, goes up to a dollar, —Edmonton Journal. • Be Sure They're Your Own A beauty expert advises slapping the cheeks until they glow. Be sure, however, that they're your own. —Kingston Whig -Standard. Minority Rule At least, a strike -ridden public ought to have the right to vote on which minority the people want to run the country, —Toronto Telegram. Fisherman's Wife "If you're looking for my hus- band he's gone fishing; just walk down to the dock and look for a pole with a worm on each end." —Hydro News. What Are We Coming To? The makers of prefabricated houses foresee the time when people will turn in their old houses every few years for more up-to- date models. [t is their hope, ap- parently, that future householders will be unable to resist a new job with improved door handles and cigar lighters. —The New Yorker. How Right! Michael Faraday, who dis- covered electro - magnetism, was asked by Gladstone of what use it would be. "Some day, Mr. Chan- cellor, you will be able to tax it," carne the reply. Faraday predicted right, and the evidence is one item on every electric light bill issued in this city. —St. Catharines Standard. FUNNY BUSINESS '7#%rye By Hershberger ,,,w i41 up.un%', a ,u ,, t;'tOPR.1944 , BY HEA SERVIeE,IN0. T. M. R[G. U. S. FAT.OFF. '..z-xr` "Bought it from a service station—makes it easier in case one of my daughters wants to elope!" The American Dollar If prices in the United States. continue to rise another 15 per cent, as they are expected to do, then by next New Year's day the United States dollar will have a purchas- ing power of only 05 cents in terms of 1939 prices. —Ottawa Citizen. Might Be Different A judge decided that just be- cause she tried on hats for several hours straight, a woman wasn't necessarily insane. But maybe he didn't see the hats. —Guelph Mercury. Twins One -hand car drivers are twin brothers to the fellows who insist on changing seats in canoes when the water is rough. —Guleph Mercury. REWARD your family serving delicious Maxwell House Coffee at mealtimes. Maxwell House has more delicious flavor fuller,, more satisfying body — be- cause it contains choice Latin-American coffees. j You Will Enjoy Staying At The St. Regis hotel TORONTO •. Every Room With Bath Shower and Telephone • Single, $2.50 up— Double, $3.50 up • Good Food Dining and Dane - !ng Nightly Sherbourne at Carlton Tel. ItA. 4135 HOTEL METROPOLE Ail Beautifully Furnished With Running Water Rates: $1.50 up NIAGARA FALLS OPPOSITE C.N.R. STATION THE SPORTING THING "George spends all his time studying models!" MUTT AND JEFF— Ten Years Can Make a Difference, a Lot of Difference, About 100 lbs. of Difference, By BUD FISHER NAHA, .t 10111.0 ",, -�� 11� I....2 DiDN'T LIKE YOUR GIRL? rGET e "z„•' t, I 3 9 5 6 7 B 9 to 11 IH la IS Ib 13 ■.y/){jell 18 23 ■ 24 .....•::::::A.,,,,, 25 26 Mil 29 � 30 32. kiliiii33 < 36 31 38 { 43 ■, 7ti�-,;rr >t 44 45 4b 41 4e, f F;j ;1 19 � 52 �■ t:" 153 ill 55 •■■ 56 58 .111 59 VOICE OF THE PRESS Or Was Restaurant portions may get smaller this summer, we are told. So when the waiter brings us a damp plate, we'll know that our soup's there somewhere, —London. Opinion. No Steel Strike There British occupation zone in Ger- many is suffering from sharp food, coal and consumer goods short- ages. But no steel strike. —Windsor Star, Auto Equality Automobiles were so scarce that Ottawa discontinued the priority system. Result: Every Canadian now has an equal chance at not getting a new car. —Time. On Its Own inflation in Canada will really be under way when the 23 -cent meal, which now costs 50 cents, goes up to a dollar, —Edmonton Journal. • Be Sure They're Your Own A beauty expert advises slapping the cheeks until they glow. Be sure, however, that they're your own. —Kingston Whig -Standard. Minority Rule At least, a strike -ridden public ought to have the right to vote on which minority the people want to run the country, —Toronto Telegram. Fisherman's Wife "If you're looking for my hus- band he's gone fishing; just walk down to the dock and look for a pole with a worm on each end." —Hydro News. What Are We Coming To? The makers of prefabricated houses foresee the time when people will turn in their old houses every few years for more up-to- date models. [t is their hope, ap- parently, that future householders will be unable to resist a new job with improved door handles and cigar lighters. —The New Yorker. How Right! Michael Faraday, who dis- covered electro - magnetism, was asked by Gladstone of what use it would be. "Some day, Mr. Chan- cellor, you will be able to tax it," carne the reply. Faraday predicted right, and the evidence is one item on every electric light bill issued in this city. —St. Catharines Standard. FUNNY BUSINESS '7#%rye By Hershberger ,,,w i41 up.un%', a ,u ,, t;'tOPR.1944 , BY HEA SERVIeE,IN0. T. M. R[G. U. S. FAT.OFF. '..z-xr` "Bought it from a service station—makes it easier in case one of my daughters wants to elope!" The American Dollar If prices in the United States. continue to rise another 15 per cent, as they are expected to do, then by next New Year's day the United States dollar will have a purchas- ing power of only 05 cents in terms of 1939 prices. —Ottawa Citizen. Might Be Different A judge decided that just be- cause she tried on hats for several hours straight, a woman wasn't necessarily insane. But maybe he didn't see the hats. —Guelph Mercury. Twins One -hand car drivers are twin brothers to the fellows who insist on changing seats in canoes when the water is rough. —Guleph Mercury. REWARD your family serving delicious Maxwell House Coffee at mealtimes. Maxwell House has more delicious flavor fuller,, more satisfying body — be- cause it contains choice Latin-American coffees. j You Will Enjoy Staying At The St. Regis hotel TORONTO •. Every Room With Bath Shower and Telephone • Single, $2.50 up— Double, $3.50 up • Good Food Dining and Dane - !ng Nightly Sherbourne at Carlton Tel. ItA. 4135 HOTEL METROPOLE Ail Beautifully Furnished With Running Water Rates: $1.50 up NIAGARA FALLS OPPOSITE C.N.R. STATION THE SPORTING THING "George spends all his time studying models!" MUTT AND JEFF— Ten Years Can Make a Difference, a Lot of Difference, About 100 lbs. of Difference, By BUD FISHER NAHA, .t 10111.0 ",, -�� 11� HAPPY! A GU DON'T L STOLE GIR OH; ,13_01.11.! i� -- , �� ,t •” V DiDN'T LIKE YOUR GIRL? rGET e "z„•' t, I You', SURE,d LIKED • ' HERI IN.FACT Y LOVED HER! WE WERE GONNA MARRIED! WHAT A GAL! .BEEooTIFUL!- LIKE A DOLL! ONLY WEf[3hED 110 POUNDS, BLONDE, 616 BLUE EYES, GoRGEEOUS! 1 l ,,� (' E BROKE MY HEART wt' SHE MARRIED THAT G?UYTEN `YEARS /AGO!'" HAW ., ���1! \ "i° g S'v ' `. ‘3'. W FUNNY? ►�� e , I. AT s`i IA 'THERE SHE iS NOW!, z \ �: . a I,�iy a� -_ ca _ ,a,,` �� 2.-1'-45 ,� '� iI 'r j , 0.41stiCt— •' ,vg ; ^ .. ?7,1 a icasa POP—Purely Co -incidental WA N D.ER I lel 0 ABOUT iN TI -1E CAMP THAT MIGHT JUST BE A • COINCIDENCE By J. MILLAR WATT j,. rtertelonted by The Sell Syndicate In REG'LAR FELLERS—Rapid Fire Mentality HERE ." HERE.!• 1NHAT'S THE. IDEA OF TEARING ARAUND' 'f4IE HOUSE LII{.6 THAT ? 7-1 By GENE BYRNES