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Zurich Herald, 1946-08-08, Page 311 JUST IN FON )l Easy One He was enlarging on the dangers of modern foods and with a dra- matic gesture he pointed an em- phatic finger :.t a rather harassed - looking and inoffensive listener and demanded: "What is it? We all eat it some- time or other, yet it's the worst thing in the world for us, What is it, I say? Do you know?" It appeared that the little man did know, for he replied+in a husky whisper: "Wedding cake," By Instalments Although he had his good points, Tommy was no scholar. When the :school exams came along, his fa- ther said: "If you score fifty marks out of a hundred, my boy, I'll buy you a bicycle." Then, one day, Tommy brought home the results and handed them over in silence. Father ran his eye down the list. Then he asked sadly: "Well, Tommy, what will you have—two spokes or a brake clip?" Two In One The weary father was marching up and down at 1 a.m. with a wail- ing infant in his arms, when there came a knock at the door. It was the tenant from below, carrying a pair of new shoes. "I say, old man," he aid, "while you're about it, you might break these in for me." Keep Cool The sergeant raged as his squad of recruits turned left when they should have turned right and vice versa. Private Higgins was the greatest offender, and the sergeant, going up to him, bawled in his ear: "Haven't you ever drilled before in your life?" "Yes, sergeant," replied Higgins: "I once drilled for three years." "Oh, indeed . . , and where" snapped the sergeant. "In a quarry," grinned Higgins. It Would Too , A dear old lady had been pre- vailed upon by a young relative to attend his school's sports. She was much interested in the tug-of-war, and after a long tussle between two teams she turned to her escort and said: "But wouldn't it save a lot of trouble, dear, if they were to cut the rope in the middle?" Fifty -Fifty Young Bill: Look at your old worn boots and your father a shoemaker. You ought to be ashamed of them. Young Phil: That's nothing. Your baby brother's got only one tooth and your father's a dentist. Not On Water Proprietor: "You come into my restaurant, you order a glass of water, you drink it, and you calmly walk out l" Scot: "What were ye expectin' me to do, mon? Stagger oot?" Too Bad Three men arrived at the rail- way station wit the intention of catching the last train. ks tl ey reached the platform the train be- gan to move out. The men ran for it, and the guard and a porter bun dlcd two of thein into the guard's van. By this time the train was going too fast for the third man to get in, and he stood disconsolately on the platform watching it disap- pear. "Hard luck, sir," said the porter. "I'm sorry you were unable to get on." "Yes," replied the man. "My friends will be sorry, too. They were only seeing me off," An Insult Mrs. Dinsmore: "I wonder why Mfrs. Scadds got so angry when 1 said 1 never would let my husband dictate to me?" Mrs, Cradwick: "She took it for a personal allusion. She used to be Mr. Scadd's typist." And They Did Hoping to inspire his workers with promptness and energy, a business elan hung a number of signs reading "DO IT NOW" around his factory and office. When he was asked some weeks later how his staff had reacted, he shook his head sadly. "T don't even like to talk about it," he said. "The cashier skipped with $1,000; the head bookkeeper eloped with the best secretary I ever had; three typists asked for an inerease; the factory hands decid- ed to go on strike, and the office boy joined the Navy." • The Answer Is Yes Two mels who had been bachelor cronies niet for the first time in ten years. ""fell me, 'Torn," said one, "did you marry that girl, or do you still darn your own socks and do your own cooking?" "Yes," was Tons'a laconic reply, OUT OUR WAY HERE'S TH' COMPLETE BLUE PRINT OF ALL TH' RECOIL MECHAhI ISM NOW R1GHT HERE- IS -- LESSEE. - 11M -- THAT POOR GUY.' I NEVER SEEN A MAN Gfr OUT OF A COAT SO QUICK: GOT CAUGHT 1N "THAT MAOiINE:-- HE MIGHTA BEEN KiLLED -- HE MAY 13E MAIMED FER. LIFE -- 13y J. R. William's LET ONyQU DIDN'T SEE IT, YOU FATHEAD: DON'T MAKE AN ENEMY --NO- BODY ELSE SAW IT: NEVER LET A MAN .KNOW YOU SAW HIS STUPIDITY -- LET HIM GIT BACK INTO MIS COAT AN' LOOK LIKE NOTHIN' HAPPENED AN' HELL LOVE fiV- ERYBOE)Y-- EVEN YOU, RiIIUlIIIIUlititfMIl IIIIIIi I 1 1...::1111114,11111114110, II (III111,1lII II1 11111IIIIII 11111115 tNF1Eti NOT TO sOO)e 'r. M. atm u4 in. Orr. RWu.wMS eni0.11.4 OV MA MIME. INC. PI Orchestra Leader 'HORIZONTAL 1 Pictured. orchestra leader, ---- 11 Help 12 Ripped 13 Pedal digit 14 Fastener 15 Behold! 16 Male 18 Singing voice 20 Canvas shelter 21. Period of office 22 Upward 24 Italian river 25 Rodents 27 Fable 30 Measure of area 31 On account (ab.) 32 Supplicate 35 Small particle 37 Musical note 38 Him 39 First man 42 Not fast 45 Too 49 Vase 50 Iridium (symbol) 51 Electrified particle 52 Dined 54 Units of measure 56 For 57 His orchestra is made up of -- ---s VERTICAL 1 Bucket 2 Suggestion 3 Hypothetical structural unit 4 Street (ab.) 5 Post 6 Metal 7 Tellurium (symbol) •8 Lieutenant (ab.) 9 Alaskan city 1012 months 14 Father 17 New Mexico (ab.) 19 Absent 21 Plaything 23 Postscript (ab.) . 24 .Afternoon (ab.) 1+j 18 55 answer to Previous Puzzle s T R A fP R RE T M E R% 1 S N1,.,T N"=kASE' U N RO s P L O T M T 6dS;e AV S Q L T L B Y ENG AL, AN --.LRENDOHAT%S ME SETAMTSa'ikLQUD QRAN GE `0CoR DEPTH -j 't6R'I E A DD E T O_Q CS PURSE zr, RS E MAJ•GEN. GEORGE E. TRATEhEYE 25 Knock 26 Arrival (ab.) 28 Also 29 Cured hog thigh 33 Provide with weapons 34 Ybu (Bib.) 35 Exclamation 36 Beverage 39 Symbol for gold 40 Pull 41 Against 43 Place 44 Native metals 46 Italian money 47 Shortly 48 Upon 53 Erbium (symbol) 54 Frequency modulation (ab.) 55 Palm lily 56 Jumbled type z 3 5 6 7 8 013 VOICE THE PRESS Saluting Saluting of officers will be con- tinued in Canada's army, It is a part of the discipline which in turn means efficiency. That its aboli- tion should have been suggested is carrying democracy a little bit be- yond the limit. —Port Arthur News -Chronicle. High Cost of Destruction It's a queer old world, with strange modern ideas. A world in which millions and millions of dol- lars are being spent in learning whether atomic bombs have reached the point where they can destroy the world. —St. Thomas Times -Journal. In Fact, Strainer A native of India has a 84 -inch moustache. It must be quite a strain —especially during the soup course. —Kitchener Record. They Dig It Up .A lot of folk who say they have buried the hatchet, always remem- ber where they put it. —London Free Press. Canadian Illiteracy 'You cannot call Canada a literate nation when her motorists cannot read "No Parking" or "School— Go Slow" signs. —Quebec Chronicle -Telegraph. Outmoded Virtues A business executive says the greatest asset of the working girl is personality. Competency, willing- ness and being on time in the morning are just old-fashioned vir- tues. —Saskatoon Star -Phoenix. Hot and Cold Furs It is said that, as the result of thefts, there are a large number of hot furs. They can't be the ones women wear during the heat waves. Those must be cold furs. —Toronto Star. Most Often Wrong A dictionary is a book to which you refer after an argument over how to spell a word—only to find out you were wrong. —Guelph Mercury. Likely Well -Founded Then there are girls who suspect father must have kissed mother a day or two before they were mar- ried. —Brandon Sun. Hurtful Extremism Extremism injures rather than helps even the best of causes. Jew- ish Zionists in a New York parade walked behind a Union Jack be- smirched by a super -imposed Nazi Swastika. —St. Catharines Standard. LIFE'S LIKE THAT By Fred Neher "11 think she's a gold digger ... first word she said was 'daddy'!" Nature Still Working Farmers in Ontario are reported to be in better hopes of a bumper crop than they have been for many years. At least mother nature hasn't gone on strike, —Hamilton Spectator. Spread It Around An economist says that only half - a -dozen mien in the world under- stand money. Perhaps if the stuff were more general, understanding would be more widespread. —Peterborough Examiner. Latest Models And in the back of the dream house, it seems, is a mirage where the veteran can keep his car. —Winnipeg Tribune. "DAYUTE" DUST A specially developed and highly effective fungicide for daytime dust- ing on potatoes, pumpkins, cucum- bers, tomatoes, melons, sugar beets and squash. Does nor require dew to complete its'reaction. Contains 7% (metallic copper content with tri- basic copper sulphate as the active ingredient. *Trademark Reed. A"GREEN CROSS" FIELD LEADER PRODUCT Sweet and cool in any Pipe 11 .r.:. CANADA'S STANDARD PIPE TOBACCO nD THE SPORTING TH NO "I told you not to walk thru that fence!" MUTT AND JEFF—JUST ANOTHER MATTER OF "LEND LEASE" JEFF, WHERE DID You GET THAT UMBRELLA? IT'S A GIFT FROM SISTER! BUT YOU AIN'T GoT A SISTER! I. KNOW - vi THAT'S WHAT'S ENGRAVED ON THE HANDLE! JEFF, LET ME HOLD THE UMBRELLA! ITS BETTER THAT WAY! MYtIATWAS GETTIN WET,I MUTT, I TANK IT'S BETTER IF 1 IAOLD THE UMBRELLA! OUR LEGS ARE GETTIN' ALL WET! By BUD FISHER I KNOW BUT MY LEGS FORTY YEARS OLDAMD ��/ MY HAT � +• IS BRAND It:;/^ t1th ..._ : i r5.n... .....,,.,....,.. p POP—A Vacancy HAS YOUR HOME TOWN STs!' 'OT A VI LLAG� IDIOT I DON'T KNOW LEFT YEARS AGO By J. MILLAR WATT (Releneed by The Bell Syndicate. la) FELLERS—Doubly Protected HELP ME TAKE PANTSFIVETUN'S PAN p S 1.0 TH' TAILOR.'S AN' I'LL SPLIT THIS DIME. WITH YA' OH! OH' T'{1' WHOLE.. GA5-HOUSE C,AMCa IS AROUND TH' CORNER. AN'T}fE''RE. AfTEl. US' MLLE EAT IT wow' J Th' STREET IS HAUNTED t? l GE N our O'HERE1 1 By GENE BYRNES ec T.414 M,I All ,161, ,,yr,,.e fee,') ^ aGrl� 15 s/4- v JT, lb 17 1' 0,4 20 ,, Jr 21 VOICE THE PRESS Saluting Saluting of officers will be con- tinued in Canada's army, It is a part of the discipline which in turn means efficiency. That its aboli- tion should have been suggested is carrying democracy a little bit be- yond the limit. —Port Arthur News -Chronicle. High Cost of Destruction It's a queer old world, with strange modern ideas. A world in which millions and millions of dol- lars are being spent in learning whether atomic bombs have reached the point where they can destroy the world. —St. Thomas Times -Journal. In Fact, Strainer A native of India has a 84 -inch moustache. It must be quite a strain —especially during the soup course. —Kitchener Record. They Dig It Up .A lot of folk who say they have buried the hatchet, always remem- ber where they put it. —London Free Press. Canadian Illiteracy 'You cannot call Canada a literate nation when her motorists cannot read "No Parking" or "School— Go Slow" signs. —Quebec Chronicle -Telegraph. Outmoded Virtues A business executive says the greatest asset of the working girl is personality. Competency, willing- ness and being on time in the morning are just old-fashioned vir- tues. —Saskatoon Star -Phoenix. Hot and Cold Furs It is said that, as the result of thefts, there are a large number of hot furs. They can't be the ones women wear during the heat waves. Those must be cold furs. —Toronto Star. Most Often Wrong A dictionary is a book to which you refer after an argument over how to spell a word—only to find out you were wrong. —Guelph Mercury. Likely Well -Founded Then there are girls who suspect father must have kissed mother a day or two before they were mar- ried. —Brandon Sun. Hurtful Extremism Extremism injures rather than helps even the best of causes. Jew- ish Zionists in a New York parade walked behind a Union Jack be- smirched by a super -imposed Nazi Swastika. —St. Catharines Standard. LIFE'S LIKE THAT By Fred Neher "11 think she's a gold digger ... first word she said was 'daddy'!" Nature Still Working Farmers in Ontario are reported to be in better hopes of a bumper crop than they have been for many years. At least mother nature hasn't gone on strike, —Hamilton Spectator. Spread It Around An economist says that only half - a -dozen mien in the world under- stand money. Perhaps if the stuff were more general, understanding would be more widespread. —Peterborough Examiner. Latest Models And in the back of the dream house, it seems, is a mirage where the veteran can keep his car. —Winnipeg Tribune. "DAYUTE" DUST A specially developed and highly effective fungicide for daytime dust- ing on potatoes, pumpkins, cucum- bers, tomatoes, melons, sugar beets and squash. Does nor require dew to complete its'reaction. Contains 7% (metallic copper content with tri- basic copper sulphate as the active ingredient. *Trademark Reed. A"GREEN CROSS" FIELD LEADER PRODUCT Sweet and cool in any Pipe 11 .r.:. CANADA'S STANDARD PIPE TOBACCO nD THE SPORTING TH NO "I told you not to walk thru that fence!" MUTT AND JEFF—JUST ANOTHER MATTER OF "LEND LEASE" JEFF, WHERE DID You GET THAT UMBRELLA? IT'S A GIFT FROM SISTER! BUT YOU AIN'T GoT A SISTER! I. KNOW - vi THAT'S WHAT'S ENGRAVED ON THE HANDLE! JEFF, LET ME HOLD THE UMBRELLA! ITS BETTER THAT WAY! MYtIATWAS GETTIN WET,I MUTT, I TANK IT'S BETTER IF 1 IAOLD THE UMBRELLA! OUR LEGS ARE GETTIN' ALL WET! By BUD FISHER I KNOW BUT MY LEGS FORTY YEARS OLDAMD ��/ MY HAT � +• IS BRAND It:;/^ t1th ..._ : i r5.n... .....,,.,....,.. p POP—A Vacancy HAS YOUR HOME TOWN STs!' 'OT A VI LLAG� IDIOT I DON'T KNOW LEFT YEARS AGO By J. MILLAR WATT (Releneed by The Bell Syndicate. la) FELLERS—Doubly Protected HELP ME TAKE PANTSFIVETUN'S PAN p S 1.0 TH' TAILOR.'S AN' I'LL SPLIT THIS DIME. WITH YA' OH! OH' T'{1' WHOLE.. GA5-HOUSE C,AMCa IS AROUND TH' CORNER. AN'T}fE''RE. AfTEl. US' MLLE EAT IT wow' J Th' STREET IS HAUNTED t? l GE N our O'HERE1 1 By GENE BYRNES ec T.414 M,I All ,161, ,,yr,,.e