The Clinton News Record, 1935-11-07, Page 2PAGE 2
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c"
Bother!, Said the Viscount
By Alex Barbs
Lumbago is no respecter of person- l
ages. It drone its red-hot fork into
the lordly lumbar regions of the Vis-
count-Thistle-Wood
is-count-Thistlewood as heartily as if ;,
he had been a man of no ancestry
whatever. "Ouch!"
shuffling past the'douse when the
chattering staff emerged. He noted!
their handbags and with suddenly
aroused interest. A project which
had been forming in his : eyes for
some days began to take on' still
at a attractive colors, and .he'slw�w-
' h , ed don• with' a great appearance of
casualness, pricking -np his ear's,
,Uk"fortunately for his intention of
eavesdropping, he had already gone
past the gate from which the vis-
count's staff were flowing out into
the road. Moreover, they did not
turn to the right and overtake him,
as he fervently hoped, but went a-
way in the apposite direction.
For' a moment he entertained the'
idea of swinging round and following
them, but he rejected it as impolitic.
Good -,class ,residential roads in
Hampstead have eyes, especially for
anything resembling suspicious be-
haviour on the part of a'• shabby
dressed man with patches on his
boots. And attention was precisely
what ?i r..Bert Widgeon had no wish
to attract.
And if his lordships 'd
more
hoot -
nen s
what! Ande
.
let you know w
pig's too good for 'you, ,you—Ouch!
But as this happens to be a country
where a man can't even plug burg -
tars in his own private house without
fussy officials wanting to know a-
bout it.—"
• 'He jerked his head tenrards , the
with a Bailie! accent, it was wit
positively no tranquil consciousness;
of effortless supericriby. 'He was
greatly perturbed- by the agoaty.'
-Ouches were not the sole contents
of his active vocabulary in this
crisis. The number of them totted
up to an amazing figure, but even
so they did not suffice. He found it
expedient td add other words and
phrases, including •several which
came as surprises even to himself.
Not that there was anything re-
grettable about them, for Lord This-
tlewood had been gently nurtured
and preserved from contacts with
the more boisterous sections of the
community, so that his knowledge of
expletives was extremely limited.
H. T. RANCE
Notary Public, Conveyancer
Financial, Real' Estate and Fire In-
suranee Agent, Representing 14 Fire
Insurance Companies.
Division Court Office. Clinton
Frank Fingland, B.A., LL.B.
Barrister, Solicitor, Notary Publc
Successor to W. Brydone, K.C.
Sloan Block — Clinton, Ont.
•
telephone standing on a' small table
near Bert. !reel" he ordered.
"Ring up the po .
Bert Widgeonhadalready gone
-cold, but he went colder. Never had
he come across a more thoroughly
alarming figure 'than that behind the
t wr ou
mended. He spoke like a man en-
countering a miradle.
,cM chap," said, Lord Thls-
chs.,
y -
dear tlewood pathetically, "I use all the
vocabulary I have. Na one can do
more than that. But between you
adequate
i ? fails to
afford a q
and me, it
I
i
rolef."
In addition to the lumbago, said
by those addicted to it to constitute
a sufficient hell ll in •itself, other
troubles assailed his lordship's nor-
mally sweet temper. .
Innumerable friends came to see
him and asked if it ' was painful.
This question became increasingly
difficult to answer with even a show
of civility.
Innumerable other friends, learn-
ing that he obstinately . refused to
see a doctor or even stay in bed, ar-
rived helpfully with, sure remedies, t brighter, and his small mouth twrs
but as no two were alike and the ed thoughtfully as he shuffled on.
"Blimey!" he muttered, under his
total instructions would have seen- breath. "It's' askin' for it, it is, that
pled him, if he had been thoroughly I is what it is. Beggin' for it. Lord
fit, for a year, .he was obliged to try Tltistlewood's town 'house, that is.
only a new.
Perhaps he picked the wrong ones.
At -arty crate, they failed, except in.
promoting a freer flow of ouches
and other words of distress or an-
ger.
But the final strain' was yet to
conte, Lumbago sufferers are all
agreed that their complaint is re-
garded by the uninitiated with un-
scoi Th spectacle of an
app
ing himself with every minutt nth -
caution against "starting it again,"
on his way up from a chair, for in-
stance
n-
t ce has been known t, set nom
revs! er. He was no ith t talenttion. At his lordship's request, herealized, was a tartar. Shoot a blokerepeated them. Lord ThistleWoodas soon as look at him, he would.Cori And after all he'd been mugall those quite all rightenough to believe about Lord Thistle- "Bat areto use?" he • inquired datebtflully.wood being a mild sort of bookworm „Not vulgar ,,Without any temper in him!
for summing people up, and here, he
".Why,
r think so too
sbould lithe
"Cori
I o
I wonder you 'event bust before now,
my lord; I do straight! Lumbago,"
said Mr. Widgeon, 'rand 'e says 'both-
er!' and 'dear me!' B•limey, it. ain't
btlman! Look here, why'don't. you
say smite o' these words?"
!Bert mentioned a generous selec
firms. I'll get you: in on some sort or
ob."
"A job, my lord? Blimey, would-
n't that be a treat! And Mary, she?iI
go.'alf off 'er 'ead with joy! WhY—"
"'And then," persued his' lordship,
stroking his chin thoughtfully, , "I
should be able to summon you in
any time of need.' Yes, a most con=
ven-
Venient arrangement Most conven-
ient."
on
ient "
THURS., NOV. 7, 1935
Two ,minutes later Bert Widgeon
vanished into the night, a happy
men, looking for -Ward to seeing his
wife's face when he told her the good
news.
And Lord Thistlewood, with a new
look of peace on his aristocratic
countenance, climbed drowsily into
his comfortable bed. He was mur-
muring the new words—but just to
• 1 Answers.
s.
--London A
ice. r
in
root
tee P
P
DR. F. A. AXON
Dentist
Graduate of D.S.,D,S., Chicago
and
Crpwn and plate work a specialty.
Phone 185, Clinton, Ont,
4-34.
D. H. McINNES
CHIROPRACTOR
Electro Therapist, Massage
Office:west ofStreet.
Royal Bank) Doors
Hours—Wed. and Sat. and by
appointment.
FOOT CORRECTION
by manipulation Sun -Ray Treatment
Phone 207
A. E. COOK
PIANO AND VOICE
Studio At
MR. E. C. NICIKLE'S
King Street, Clinton. Phone 23w.
-Dec.
"Them " said Bert Widgeon hear.
"Listen, ' rl" he said huskily. tily. "Vulgar? Now I ask you, my
never been on this game before, lord, would I be expecting a gentle-
"Iand that's the troof!. But I couldn't man like you to soil 'is lips with 'em
getnowork, and got the old woman if they was? Tell you what. I'll go
and my little nipper, what's three through all the vulgar 'ones, and
years old, to keep. I've tried for you'll see the difference."
work, straight I 'ave! I'm not one "No, no! No, no!" cried Lord
of these brakes what only
c'wantsa1te Thistlewood hastily, "I accept your
Iceepin' lamp'ave lies assurance. I—Ouch!"
down! Cor, 'ave a.'eart, your lord-
ship! It's gawspel troof I'm tellin' A wicked spasm caused him to
you!" crumple in a chair. Ile employed all
• Sincerity vibrated in his hoarse his habitual expletives. Then he went
voon to the newly acquired ones, work-
ly to c was indeed Thistlewood
�strlet- ing his way through them three
in
(y er facts, as Lord times. Gradually a beautiful calm
other circumstances might'. have res- stead. over his face. Bert Widgeon
ognized from his tone. Now, hay- p • rhis face.
nodded app
ever, the .viscount merely gave a "That's right, sir. You've got 'em
sceptical laugh. • fine!"
"Very interesting, I'm sure!" he "My dear fellow, the relief! You
said grimly. "Ring up •the police
and tell it to them!" have no idea. It is really extraordin-
arily good of you to help me like
this -
more
have been suffering almost
What a perishing fool he'd been! He more from repression than the actual
blinked rapidly and seemed to sprit' ailment• Why, I feel better already!
el in 'his clothes. The dog -like look r„
Its—it's •marvellous
of pleading in his eyes dulled down
to despair.
"But, guv'nor!" he tried again, but
it was the half-hearted effort of a
beaten man. He hung his head.
"If you don't ring up the police be-
fore I count five—" said Lord This•
tlewood, narrowing his eyes. "One—
Notwithstanding these adverse etr-
cumstances, however, he was able to
1 loud remark which set
single catch a g
his blood tingling. _
"Coo!" he heard a strong young
female voice observe. "Not all a-
lone a night in that great 'ouse I
shouldn't want to stay, not even if
I was a' viscount!"
Mr. Widgeon's bright eyes grew
•
25-35.
GEORGE ELLIOTT
Licensed Auctioneer
erroor the County
of
n
Correspondence promptly answered
Immediate arrangements can be made
for Sales Date at The News -Record,
Clinton, or by calling phone 203. '
Charges Moderate and Satisfaction
Guaranteed.
Alone all night—cor!"
:He pulled out a rather dirty hand-
kerchief and wiped his brow. Temp-
tation was causing him to perspire
very freely.
""'E must 'a got fed -up with. the
'ole blinkin' shoot of 'em, all the
'ouse servants. Or somethink.. Any-
way • alone tonight ,in that 'ouse. All
on 'is lone-io. Phew! It ain't ask -
arc levity. a it,it's shoutin' for it! Cor!"
contort - to for
siert!, able-bodied .man
He gulped as if his throat very
dry.
"And„ then, supposin'—rupposin'
'is lordship did cop me. 'R wouldn't
•
BEAVER BEND IS NAME OF NEWLY ESTABLISHED COMMUNITY
IN BRITISH COLUMBIA — OTHER NOTES. OF INTEREST
TO RADIO LISTENERS
Beaver Bend, a fictitious commu• methods of travel.
nity made famous by the Canadian
Radio Commission through its
Youngbioods of' Beaver Bend" pro-
grams, has become an actuality.
Because of the great enjoyment
they derive.from the broadcasts,
wbich are heard each Monday. night
at 10.00 o'clock over the national
network from the Winnipeg studios,
THE McKILLOP MUTUAL
Fire Insurance Company
Head Office, Seaforth, Ont.
Officers :
President, Alex. Broadfoot, Sea -
forth; Vice -President, James Con-
nolly, Goderich; secretary -treasurer,
M. A. Reid, Seaforth.
s an ,e
mal, supple people laughing uncon- be 'ard on a chap.Kd'ear
tso.I could
trollably. 'e is—everybodysays
Others, of finer sensibilitfr, have talk 'im round easy. It ain't as
been observed working their faces
strangely, or have been found chok-
ing peculiarly in remote comet•
shortly afterwards.
Of this serious defect in otherwise
humane persons, Lord Thistlewood
had been made ,aware, He' bore it
with outward patience, along with
his malady, for an heroic period.
But such repression taken in con-
junction with every other circum-
stance was bound to end in an explo-
sion, and when he discovered his but-
ler, the hitherto faultlessly correct
Bennison ,smothering needles coughs
behind his hand immediately after
assisting hint to crawl carefully on
all fours from a chair to a settee, the
pent-up wrath of the tormented vis-
count burst out with searing viol-
ence.
"You lot of Ouch!" he roared.
"You're all the same! If I could get
about, I'd give you all— Ouch! Well,
I've had enough of it! You can all
go! All of you! Clear out! Go to
Ouch!" And much more to the same
effect.
"•Db I understand, my lord, that
you wish the entire domestic staff to
vacate the house?" inquired Beni -
Son.
"Yee! Clear off, and don't come.
back till I'm better. Silly grinning
pack of—Ouch! Thank Heaven I've
got no relatives living with me!
They're as bad. I'll looks t ramy-
self. And if you tell a
it, or send them here to look after
me. --my sister or any of her crew—
I'll—I'll ring your neck!"
"Very good, my lord,' said the but-
ter. "Is there anything I can bring
your lordship before—
"No!"
"Thank you, my. lord. I trust your
lordship will pass an easier night to-
night. Would you wish me to—"
"No!"
The snarl of a man who has had.
just about enough is distinctive.
Bonnison withdrew softly."
Lord Thistlewood lay back, listen-
ing, During the next hour noises
filtered through to him from the ser-
vants' quarters. Once he heard a
loud female giggle, of a type which
he had learned to associate with his
ailment, and the thought crossed his
mind that the law was 'old-fashioned
and hopelessly narrow on- the subject
of the strangulation of domestic ser-
a vents.
Presently the noises ceased. Ben
nison had organized an expeditious
retreat. The house was at peace. Hie
lordship relaxed still , more on the
settee.
"At feat," he stuttered, with re-
lief, "I can suffer in comfort!"
His satisfaction would not have
been so marked had heknown that
his servants' exodus was proving a
matter of congratulation to someme hie ';lordship grimly—"ouch!—or I'll
other than himself.•
A small man, . with a sharp nose give you something to dance for! By
and quick, bright eyes, had been 'George, if it Westin for the law Pd
Directors:
Alex. Broadfoot, Seaforth, R. R.
:No. 3; James Sholdice, Walton; Wm.
:Knox, Londesboro; Geo. Leonhardt,
:Bornholm, R. It. No. 1; John Pepper,
lBrucefield; Jame Connolly, Gode-
rich; Alexander McEwing, Blyth, R.
R. -No. 1; Thomas Moylan. Seaforth,
TR. R. No. 5; Vim. R. Archibald, Sea-
• forth, R. R. No. 4. No. 3,
® Agents: W!. J. Yeo, R. Seaforth,
" Clinton; John Murray,
..James Watt, Blyth; Finley McKer-
echer, Seaforth.
Any money to be paid may be paid
--4 to the Royal Bank, Clinton; Bank o?
Commerce, Seaforth, or at Calvin
r Cutt's Grocery, Goderich.
Parties desiring to effect insur-
r.ance or transact other business will
be promptly attended to on app!a
;•ion to any of the above officers ad -
!dressed to their .respective
post
d leo o
• gces. Losses. inspected by e -
,•who lives nearest the scene.
though 'e was one o' these hot -tem-
p -red gents by all accounts.
"Slime,, I've a good mind to
chance it! I could come along round
about one or two, when 'e'll be a-
sleep. And then, with a jimmy to
bust open a door or desk or anythink
—find the silver—ianythink what',
going—and I'll be on velvet!"
He wondered slowly on, lost in
pleasant contemplation of a future
bright with spoons and forks and
hope.
it was shortly after _ two a.m.
when Lord Thistlewood finally made
up his mind that he really had heard
the noises downstairs.
He was lying in bed. The slings
and arrows, chiefly arrows of out-
rageous lumbago had kept him from
going to sleep. About a quarter to
two things had become easier, andrando he
had thankfully prepared
f.
Then he heard a noise, and, after
an interval, another! noise. ' With
sweet sleep at last within reach, he
refused to heed the noises. He em-
ployed auto -suggestion in an en-
deavour to persuade .himself that
they didn't exist.
CANADIAN. NATIONAL, RAILWAYS
group of young executives of the
Consolidated Mining and • .Smelting
Company who are at present engag
ed in a wholesome housing develop-
ment scheme near Trail, B.C., have
called their newly established town
Beaver Bend, a name soon to become
officially recoginzed en the map of
Canada.
"Give me the old horse and sad -
die," said Wilf the other night when
his car left him seta/Wed on the out-
skirts of the city shortly before he
was due on the air. Wolf rustled him-
self a ride and got there for his 12.45
spat, but vows he will come ahorse-
back in future. Curiously enough,
his first number on the program was
"My Faithful Old Pinto Pal."
The real and the imaginary com-
munities are said to be almost am-
azing in their likeness, for Peter D.
"Nobody can manage lumbago not Dales, the author of the "Young -
If he's really got it proper, on less bloods," had visualized just such a
than what I've told you,' said Bert locality as that in which the actual
dogmatically. "By the way, my lord, town is situated. Though many miles
you've dropped your revolver on the distant the new Beaker Bend might
floor." easily be in 'Manitoba for the tope -
"Damn the revolver!" said Lord graphy is identical to that of the
two—" Thistlewood promptly. "Oh, and tell pl•ovince from which the broadcasts
Bert Widgeon licked his lips, seemed •Enchange we don't want the police originate.
about to make 1`e a r furthe appeal then I num ! This tribute to the Commission's
shrugged
and turned to the intru- "Look here," continued peva lord- 1'Oral dramatis productions seems to
ment. shi eagerly, after this had been indicate that radio listeners are
highly pleased with the type of en-
"Gimane the perlice, miss please.. P rite an
That's right—perlice atetiOnt" r (i931e, "can you come givetotertainment now going over the net-
ather lesson tomorrovi —say, at e:-
Ife waited', with the receives` t0 his " net-
works.
ear, staring into a dismal future, even o'eloek? In the morning, he
I
Mary -she thought he was out sec- explained carefully, I
„Why, I'd .be only too pleased, my Prefers Horse and Saddle
ing a pal Coming off a night who had
heard of a job going! She didn't know
she was married to a goalbird—or
soon would be. And the kid—
He gulped. Then he gave a violent
start. An "Ouch!" breaking in on
TIME TABLE
Trains will arrive at and depart from
Clinton as follows:
Buffalo and Goderich Div.
,Going East, depart 7.08 a.m.
,:Going East, depart 3.60 p.m.
,Going West, depart 11.50 a.m.
',Going West, depart 9.58 pan.
London, Huron & Bruce
Going North, ar. 11.34. bre. 11.54 a.m.
,%Going South 3.08 p.m'.
his sombre meditations had struck
him almost like a blow. It was a pow-
erful "Otich!"—a yelp of acute ag-
ony.
The lesser ouches which had al-
ready proceeded from his lordship
had vaguely puzzled Bert. This one
now made it abundantly clear that
the viscount' was not enjoying per-
fect physical well-being.
"I shall insist on your accepting a WV. Caster, the cowboy lord."
Yodeller
fee for—er—"llrnguage tuition, of who sings at 1245 EST, every Fri -
course. And let me see, you said you day night for western network lis -
were out of work, I !believe? Well, I teners of the Canadian Radio Com -
have some influence in one or two mission, ha% no use for modern
Many of the plays produced in the
Ednioniton 'studibs orf 'the Canadian
Radio Commission during the punt
season were written by Della M.
Foss, brilliant young authoress of
that city. Miss Foss, whose contdi-
butions to Canadian and United
States periodicals have made her
widely known, is rapidity becoming
I a successful playwright.
(Continued on page 6)
" Lumme!" ejaculated the burglar.
"What's up. What's the matter, cul-
ly—S mean• my lord?"
'Lord 'T5stieWood directed a look
cf extreme mitred at him.
"Lumbago!" he' panted, with diffi-
culty, but contriving nevertheless to
keep the barrel of the revolver Point-
ed in the right direction. "Lum —
Ouch!"
"'Ari cheese!" said Bert Widgeon,
momentarily forgetting his own
plight in sudden sympathy. "It's the
devil, that is! Proper what -for, it
giver you, don't it? Just 'ere."
To indicate the precise where-
abouts of the whatfor, he was oblig •
ed to set the telephone down on
the table.
"That's. it" agreed
"You—You know it?"
"Know it! I should think I do!
I've 'ad a few goes at that, I 'ave, in
my time! And; 'added Bert Widge-
on, shaking his head with reminis-
cent bitterness, "the pain of it ain't
all you 'as to put up with, neither.
People sniggerin' at you behind your
back, that's what you get. A joke, it
is. Somethink funny to make life
brighter for the neighbours• and all
your friends and relatives what conte
to ask if it 'Mts. Cor! I'm sorry for
sou."
During this brief but heartfelt out-
burst on the part of his visitor, Lord
Thistlewood's face had undergone a
remarkable change. Wonder, ming-
led with a strange new something
which seemedlike a mixture of relief
and tentatiev joy, had softened his
features almost . to their normal
friendliness.
"By George!" .he exclaimed. "That
Is it. That's it! Why, you're the first
living soul who has understood what
I have to 'Ms' through on account of
this—this infernal_ Ouch!"
But minute by minute the noises
were not the small unaccountable
sounds of a house at night. where
vN fact,la
e
someone, The library
safe was, and incidentally the tele-
phone,
elephone, so that must be in the library
or thereabouts, out of the quer ion.
Clenching his teeth, his lordship
carefully left his snug bed,encased
himself in a dressing gown, exhum-
ed a revolver' from its rest in a draw-
er, and slipped out into the cor,idor.
His dislike of the unknown intrud-
er was excessive. He was consumed
with a fierce anger 'against whatev-
er form of low life had spoilthis
rest before he had got any.
]Moreover, if he had needed an ad-
ditional stimulus to hate the distur-
ber, his lumbago was thloughtfully
,supplying it.
Mr. Bert Widgeon, pleased with his
successful haul, was packing up the
booty from the safe by the light of
a flashlamP, when the beam was ren-
dered unnecessary hY the sudden
blaze of electric lights.
"Put them up, yourOuch!" said a
voice of venom.
Swinging round with an oath,
Bert beheld in the doorway anun-
comfortably large revolver, painting
at his stomach, the weapon being
steadily held by 'a slender man with.
an aristocratic nose and baleful eyes.
Bert Widgeon lost no time in put-
ting them up, though there was a
torch in one hand and a large piece
of silver plate in the other.
"Drop, those things!" commanded
Lord Thistlewood vicious10.
'It was unfortunate that the heavy
silver plate landed on Bert's foot.
"Stop that dancing about," said
TOO BAD
wealthy lady remarked at • a
'dinner party: "Oh, Mr. Gilbert, (your,
friend M. Sullivan's music is really
too delightful. It: reminds me so
'mach of dear Bayteh (Bach). Do
tell me: what is Baytch doing just
-now? Is he still composing?"
"Well, no, madam," Gilbert re-
plied. • "Just now,as a matter ofe
fact, dear Baytch le by war
••composing. r,
his lordship.
Friends of
the Family
Look at she packages on your pantry and bathroom shelves, and
see What a multitude of brand names you recognize. Some of them
thane 'been familiar for years. You may have made the acquaintance
;of -others only a few weeks ago. Bub even these are not suspected
strangers. You have bought them confidently because they were
,advertised. And it is the same with your sheets and towels, your
,shoes: and clothes, your electric appliances, the car in your garage—
'nearly everything you use. •
Advertised products have a standing that commands respect.
They :are not nameless, but vouched for by responsible firms. Tho
fact that they are advertised is in itself an indication that their
:standards of guality are strictly maintained, that they represent
/honest value.
As soicnce and discovery go on, newly developed products are
,constantly being advertised—ready to help you save money and im-
prove your standard of living. Every advertisement of such a pro.
.duet you read in your newspaper is a letter of introduction to a new
and possibly .useful friend.
It will pay .you to read the advertisements in this paper. By so
doing you will meet many choiceproducts—worthy to become friends
of the family.
1
•
"I've 'ad it, that's why," said Bert
Widgeon fpelinglY) "Them what
'asn't, they don't know. They seem
to think you're trying to be funny,
ereepin''about cautious' don't they?
Funny!"
"runny!" echoed his lordship ,in a
strangled, tone • of complete agree-
ment. "Ouch!"
He added a': number of word's which
Would never have been allowed to
pass: without reproof in his nursery
days. • ,
Bert stared at hien in astonish
meat. -
"Is that all you say for it?" he de -
d
A FINE MEDIUM FOR ADVERTISING—REAP ADS IN THIS
ISSUE.
PHONE 4 "
it