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Wingham Advance-Times, 1977-09-28, Page 12,Advance-Timea, September 28, 1977 brae Ballagh w do you sav aoodbve? "Blessed are they that mourn for they titian be comforted". MMtew 5:4. ,The pain of parting — a reality 1aVed by those who lose someone they love: Acceptance is never easy, For many questions, there ere no answers. 0-0-0 Mary remembers the bitter cold January day she left Timothy m the snow-covered cemetery. The wind was as cold as the chill in her heart, the emptiness in the cemetery as empty as her life at that moment: She remembers the terminal ill- ness that gripped the small body. He was too weak and listless to cry. Two years old — he should have been so full of life. He couldn't tell her of his pain, but she knew. How many times she wished she could suffer in his place. How many times she asked "whys" She retreated into a private world of grief, admitting now that she became selfish in her suffer- ing. Her oldest daughter was a teenager when Timothy died. She later married and last year gave birth to a son. She named him Timothy. Mary admits it was difficult. "I had a sick feeling in my stomach the first times I called him by' name," she says. But she realizes now that this was her daughter's way of accepting Timothy's death. "I thought I was the only one who was suffering," she says. "Now 1 realize the others were suffering just as much as I was." She loves her grandson dearly. He will never take the place of her own Timothy but his life has already helped her understand herself better and come to grips with grief — a grief she locked within her self and was unable to share for so long. 0-0-0 John remembers. the long agonizing vigil by bis young wife's bedside. He remembers the helpless feeling as he watched her tortuous suffering and saw what the illness was doing to her. Death was almost a relief. How many times during her ordeal he had asked why. They had so much of life ahead of them — things like this happened to other people but it couldn't be happening to him. There would be a miracle. But he remembers the hopeless, helpless feeling that swept over him when the doctors and specialists said,' "There's nothing we can do." He stopped fighting. For him life was as good as over. He gave up. But by some unseen miracle, for him "giving up was "getting up". At the point of his greatest weakness, he found the beginning of strength. He thought of the prayer of serenity; "God, grant, me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference." "Serenity ... Accept the things I cannot change ... " John saw before him the things he 'eould not change and realized if he was going to be able to cope, he must accept. Sharon helped him, sharing a naive, almost childlike faith and enormous strength. They talked openly of the future and one day, she told him about a dream in which she had seen him weeping. "You must not be weak," she said to him. Many times he would remember those words when life seemed so futile and difficult - and they would keep him strong. What John did not realize at the time was that this strength showed in him and spilled over to others. The more he gave, the more he had to give. Others, aware of Sharon's illness and the anguish he was suffering, saw in him an unbelievable stoic courage, a dignity in facing death that was an inspiration and gave them the strength to face their trials, not nearly so great as his. He came to realize that death is a part of life, not to be feared but faced realistically. THE POWER OF PRAYER Throughout Sharon's illness, John also learned the power of prayer. Friends, members of the t.,clergy stopped often at Sharon's bedside and prayer brought peace and tranquility to the entire room. In the solitude of his own thoughts, John relied often on prayer to bolster his courage. "I found the joy of knowing there is a real God," he now says. It didn't save her life but it helped them both accept God's will. John believes strongly in the will of God and believes there was a purpose in Sharon's death, though he feels he rnay not realize that purpose until his own death. He learned to live one day at a time and every day she was given was a treasure for them to share. THE ALONENESS AFTER Early one Sunday morning, life ended for Sharon and John was , left to face the finality and reality of death. Friends rallied round him and helped him through the, first few weeks of suffering. A "numb feeling"'helped him through the initial grief, a feeling shared by many who experience deep loss but seem not to come to full realization until they are more prepared" to accept it. But time helps others forget and they diverted to their individual lives and problems. John was alone. He didn't want to forget. He needed to talk about her, the good things they, had shared, the preciqus'moments that had to be kept alive.. But people, he found, were very elusive. They avoided talking about her, feeling it would be too painful for him, not realiz- ing his need to "get it out". He found he was "living in a bub- ble", isolated by grief from a world that didn't care enough to burst the bubble and get inside to share his grief. Though tears came easily when he talked off his life with Sharon and he was re- lieved by them, others seemed embarrassed by his tears and quickly changed the subject when her name was mentioned. For many months after her death, he tried to piece his shat- tered life together again. He missed her more as time went on. The nights became longer and lorielier. Where each day had beep, a treasure, each day be- came a burden. But in his loneli- ness, John learned a new accept- ance of himself and turned in- ward to find meaning in his life. He became aware of new strength; he had lived through the most painful kind of loss, he could face anything life handed him now. The future held no fear, only a calm ` reassurance and peace of mind. Material things were no longer important to him. "'I can live with a piece of bread and somebody 1 love," he says, knowing now that if you lose one you love, nothing else matters. John still believes in living one day at a time. But he doesn't dread each day now as he once did. He is more mature, more confident, a better person', as a result of what has happened. Sometimes, scenes of tenderness and joy will bring a tear — and he remembers. But it is a good feel- ing, not a sad one. He has indeed been granted that serenity to accept the things he cannot change ... the courage to change the things he can ... and the wis- dom to know the difference. 0-0--0 Betty, a young widow, supports John's story about people. The first week, she had many people around and yearned many times just to be alone. After the first week, no 1 ne came and she was alone too ouch. People didn't want her tc talk about her hus- band, thoupl she, too,°felt a need to relive hei ,Nappy memories and couldn't find a listener. She ad- mits she cried whenever she talked about him but says this was good for her and she had to "let go". Betty felt discriminated against in this couple -oriented so- ciety. She was seldom invited to places where there were couples. Perhaps they felt they were doing her a favor because her alone- ness would have been empha- sized. But she resected this and would have rather been inc ded. Like Mary, she was often s sh in her grief so that she snappe at people around her. Vague invita- tions like "drop in sometime" or "anytime you feel you'd like to - talk . ..", o'talk...", were quickly forgotten. But she welcomed specific invita- tions. like "I'm going shopping, will pick you up in ten minutes" and was glad when someone dropped in just to talk. During the months that fol- lowed her husband's death, Betty's health deteriorated, her anger and bitterness grew and she -felt more and more useless. DEATH OF LOVED ONE—Accepting the death of a loved person can be a difficult road. It is made more so when friends won't allow us to grieve in public; avoiding the name of the dead person to skirt what they believe would be a difficult subject. She avoided crowds, lost her self- confidence and gradually reached the stage where she asked herself, "Why bother?" -She finally heard of a widows' club where she was able to talk about her loss and share her grief with others who felt as she did. There was much agony and many tears but she felt she was part of a group that understood. Her resentment became acceptance' as she was able to share others' experiences and give of herself to help them. 0-0-0 Why did Betty have to go to other widows for help? Why could society in general not give her the support she needed? Are they that mourn truly as blessed as the scriptures say, if they are not comforted and must mourn alone? We have indeed created a bubble.. around the mourner — a bubble we are afraid to enter, from which we will not let them exit. We are afraid to mourn with them for it may bring to light some of our own weaknesses and inability to cope. Our tears might mingle with their tears and we might be drowned in someone else's agony. One young mother, mourning her baby's death, spoke kindly of people who of- fered sympathy, but the one who helped her most was a friend who "came and cried with me". We can offer advice — but ad- vice is not what they need. We can pity them — but they don't need pity either. What we can do is listen — and share — and offer support. Talk about the people they loved and remember — for them, they will never die. Through social clubs or church organizations, assist in forming a ,group where people can share and talk about similar problems, realizing they are not alone in their grief. The hurt continues for more than one brief week — shouldn't the caring too? 0-0-0 Regrets sneak in with the good- byes. Why do we get so busy and forget the important things? Life is so short. Why ,was I never honest? Why did I never tell him how much he meant to me? The times she wanted to go on picnics or for a walk in the woods. I was always so busy. "Another time", I would say. "Daddy, look at' the picture I drew in school today!" "Go away, son, too busy!" Busy ... no time ... no time to say "I love ybu", "I miss you", "I'd like to help", "Let's talk". Too late; plenty of time now; time to say Good-bye, but how? A part of me has died. Deep gaping hole, so final, so cold, there wasn't any time. Life was so busy. The barren aloneness of a Husbands are WMS Guests The husbands of tine Belmore Presbyterian Women's Mis- sionary Society were guests at a ,meeting Wednesday night at the home of Mr. and Mrs. Alvin Mun- dell, RR 2, Gorrie. The group viewed pictures taken by Mr. -and Mrs. Mundell on a recent trip to Scotland,, Mrs. Elmer Jeffray opened the meeting with the call to worship. Hymn, "Shall We Gather at the River" was sung. Mr. and Mrs. Arnold Jeffray had charge of the meditations, taking the verse "Seek Ye First the Kingdom of Heaven". The hymn "Come to the Savior" closed the business sec- tion of the meeting and a social lunch and hour was enjoyed. Belmore club elects officials Angela Detzler was elected president of the Belmore II 4-1i club called "Featuring Fruit". Vice-president is Leisa Garniss and the secretarial position is revolving. Press reporter is Marilyn Ren- wick. A discussion was held on the Canada Food Guide and how to put together a good record book and recipe file Leader Evelyn Dickson demonstrated how to measure dry ingredients properly. A drink. grape sparkle was made by Mrs. Murray Mulvey to drink with the Date Mellow Chews made by Leisa Garniss`and Mari- lyn Renwick. The meeting was held at the home of assistant leader, Mrs. Mulvey on Sept. 14. The next meeting will be held Sept. 20 at Mrs. Dickson's. LIFE BEGINS—One perfect rose, one perfect life. Life doesn't end with death;,.it is a part of living, not an ending but a beginning. Fresh, alive roses, Wet with morning dew, awaken a feeling of life, the new life waiting beyond death where no suffering or broken dreams are known. cemetery. The wind is cold, whispering eerie sounds. I remember someone who lost a husband and son once saying, "Even if it's warm everywhere else, it's cold in a cemetery." She knows — she has experienced that chill. The clouds are black overhead — as though they are co-operat- ing with the mood. Each tomb- stone tells a story — marble granite - cold, impersonal. BORN ...DIED... Every man's epitaph. Two words chiselled in granite. We remember when a man was born, when he died. What comes be- tween, what a man does with his life, should that not be the reason we remember him? But there, beside one tomb - Guest speaker shows slides FORDWICH —, The Women's Institute took a rip to Central America and stayed in their chairs the whole time. The WI guest speaker, Marjorie Russel, of Listowel showed the women slides of a recent trip to that country and gave a talking tour as well. The women caught an insight of the people, scenery and the conditions there. The natives wear very colorful clothing and Miss Russel had slides of the men making bricks by hand. Miss Russel took a train into the mountains at Costa Rica and saw a coffee plantation and where the coffee is dried. She had pictures of some of the 33 active volcanos, explaining that if smoke is rising from any, they are not dangerous. For three years, one of those volcanos erupted every five minutes. .A hotel had been planned and partially erected for a tourist attraction near .the mountain. Then the eruptions stopped and so did the con- struction. The hotel is now only partially used for a few travel- lers. - Miss Russell showed slides of natives in San Salvador making pottery, weaving and men.‘with ox carts cutting sugar cane. After the slides, Miss Russell, who is a photographer from Russell's Studio, Listowel, passed comments on snapshots the members had brought for roll call. She was able to give a few pointers on picture taking which were very helpful. President Mrs. Richard Agla presided for the WI monthly meeting. Devotions were taken by Mrs. John Freeman and the motto, "Smile, you're on candid camera" was given by , Mrs. William Wilson. Mrs. Wilson said, a smile is an antedote for trouble, and also for pleasure; pleasant smiles help others to smile too. A supper for the Lions was catered to the night before the meeting and all Institutes are in- vited to the Huron County rally to be held at the Howick Community Centre', Oct. 3 at 9 a.m. for registration. Guest speaker at the rally will be Mr. Glen Finlay of Milton who is a teacher at E. C. Drury School for pupils with im- paired hearing. A euchre party is planned for Oct. 21 in the Hall. The meeting was closed and a lunch was served and a half hour social enjoyed. stone, is life — a bouquet of roses - fresh, alive, wet with ... is it tears or the morning dew? Amid death, there is life. There is the message! There is the hope! As long as there is life, there will be death. But there is a new life awaiting us, fresh as the dew on the roses. A life that sings of peace and joy — no more suffer- ing, no more broken dreams. The wind is warmer now — and - the clouds have broken. Life doesn't end here, it only begins. One perfect rose, one perfect life. And as I pass through the ceme- tery gates, the sun is beginning to shine again. Next: Each man's personal challenge. as .he faces his own death. To serve you better CABLE TV Now operated by C' UNNRY CABLE LTD. has installed a new in -W . its telephone line effective June 3. Please dial 1 -804-265.6321 ( No charge to calling party) For Cable TV installations, service or information THE HURON CENTRE FOR CHILDREN AND YOUTH We are pleased to announce The first ANNUAL MEETING of the Board of Directors for the Huron Centre at Clinton Public School on ) Wednesday, October 5 7:30 P.M. The Board of Directors will be elected from those nominated at this meeting. nr. Paul Patterson, Psychiatric Consultant to the Centre wlil tw.speak on "The Role. of the Family -In The Treatment of Troubled' Children." All residents of Huron County are invited to attend and vote. fiCE19q w1rr. 1.1 NOTICE: The Liberty Sectional and Traditional Tablas appearing in this week's Leon's ad in Crossroads are not available at this time'. However, do come to our Warehouse Sale and take advantage of these great buys: Velvet Sectional Units Create your own living room environment with modular seating .Use as a chic Conversation pit group as shown or as an L sectional or as twin sofas ideas unlimited Modern in concept these •go togethers do wonders for small or large rooms Deep, billowy sola foam seats and hacks covered in 100"4, cotton velvet Each unit measures 32 -Inch square Corner unit . '201" Armless. unit $l 6298 Ottoman $958 Fairway Road, Kitchener Next to Fairview Park Mail Open Daily 10 a.m. to 10 p.m. Saturdays Till 6 p.m. Colonial Tables Rich maple engraved finish Hexagon commode 24"x28"x20"OR Square commode 24" x 24" x 20" each'92 , Oval cocktail 56" x 24" x 15" S10293