The Wingham Advance-Times, 1984-11-21, Page 32r
Page 18—Crossroads—Nov. 21. 1984
1
Shirley Whftington
/f you read Sartre,
y
u7Uook s • rter
If yo4 live in a small com- some darting transparent
mnunity, your life is an open fish and a noisy bubble
book. machine. This is supposed to
This is why the Mafia relax me but it doesn't. This
seldom sets up in places like is my interview for the after -
Overbite, Saskatchewan or life and I'm edgy. -
Hospital Corners, N.B. Their The door opens and a
most covert operations snappy young woman in a
would, in tiny towns, be dis- Harry Rosen suit calls my
cussed to death at the Bon name. "The Chief Executive
Beaute Beauty Salon before Officer will see you now,"
noon on any given Friday. she says. "Please come in".
Around here we all know The CEO has a brass plate
who was left at the altar, on his desk which reads,
whose great-uncle used to "Saint Peter D.D., L.L.D.,
shoot dice down behind the M.B.A." (Alec Guiness
.grain elevators, who is a usually plays this role). He
Crook through the Bushes looks at me over half-moon
and who is simply a Crook. ,glasses and says, "Thank
"Yer folks away on a You for applying to Heaven.
trip?" says the mailman as We have your resume here,
he hands us a postcard from and we find it ... interesting.
Fort Lauderdale. Before we go into details like
"Going on a cruise, are fringe benefits and pension
you?" says the saleslady as plans, I have asked my
she wraps up the new bath- assistant Miss Sharpe to
ing suit with its coy match- read her report. She has
ing cover-up. collected a great deal of data
Once in my favourite small on you."
town a visitor came looking I ask, respectfully where
for our family and sought she conducted her research.
directions at the local gas "In the public library, of
station.. "They live in the course," replies the C.E.O.
grey house over the bridge Miss Sharpe opens a fat
yonder," said the,elderly gas file and begins. to read in a
jockey. "But •you won't find flat voice: "These titles were
anybody home because he's borrowed b e applicant
at a safety council meeting over a tw ont riod in
and she's gone to the W.I. 1983. French Cooking Made
and the girl, she's away to Easy, Creative Pastries, The
school in the city. But the Chocolate Lovers Cookbook
missus'Il be back at five and The Fondue Book. They
because he likes his dinner are followed by Flatten Your
on the table at six." Stomach in Thirty Days, The
The butcher, the baker, the Complete Scarsdale Medical
body -perm maker — they Diet, The . Pri'tkin Diet,
know your darkest (and Calories Don't Count and
brightest) secrets. Fitness for Everyone.
And don't discount the I can feel my face getting
local librarian, who could if hot. The relentless' Miss
pressed provide an accurate Sharpe continues.
Character assessment in less. "A later spate of borrow -
time than it takes to say ing included How to Write a
"Your card, please". You are Best Seller, So You Want to
what you read, and they Write a Novel?, A Writer's
check out all your books, Manual, Fiction Made Easy
don't they? ' and How to Prepare Your
I hold a layered and Manuscript for the Publish -
simplistic view of life and er. After a brief hiatus, the
death.. This literal -minded- applicant borrowed Dealing
ness reveals itself in with Rejection, Fighting De -
frequent daydreamswhich pression, Optimism, I'm
find mein the panelled wait- OK; You're OK; and Teach
ing room of Eternity, sur- Yourself to Play the Guitar.
rounded by Thank You For By now I am wearing a
Not Smoking ,signs. The silly, ingratiating smile and
reading lights are inade- longing to tell them I have
quate and the tables are also read Jean Paul Sartre in
stacked with old copies of the original, all of Robertson
Parents Magazine . and Davies, and the total output
Punch, with all the good of William .Shakespeare. But
cartoons ripped out. An this is simply not true, so I
aquarium accommodates blush and burn while Miss
At wit's end
by Erma Bombeck
I have a choice.
I can either do a funny
column today on the couple
in Dallas who ended a six-
month divorce battle by
granting visitation rights to
the wife to more than $4,000
worth of toy trains...
Or I can do a report on the
deluge of mail I got from
grandmothers across the
country on a column I did on
the pain. of divorce where
they are left with "nothing
but memories and longing"
for their grandchildren.
Maybe the stories belong
together.
Under the terms of the
settlement in Dallas, the
woman will get the right to
visit the trains her husband
'received twice a year as long
as she gives 24 hours' notice
by telephone and the time is
convenient.
A grandmother in Iowa
wrote, "I am enduring the
divorce of my twin sons. One
daughter-in-law moved to
Florida and I get to see my
grandchildren two hours at
Christmas and take them to
lunch in the summer for a
total of an hour and a half."
The train enthusiast said
the first train set was a
Christmas gift to her son,
who is now 22. However,
their collection got more so-
phisticated as the years went
on and they even owned a Z
gauge that was, so small you
could 4ay it out in a brief-
case. She would miss it.
A grandmother from Ohio
wrote, "As a child growing
up, I never had the warmth
and comfort of grand-
parents. I always said that
when the time for grandchil-
dren came along, I would
always be there if they
Sharpe drones on.
"The Jane Fonda Shape-
up Book, The Art of Make-
up, Henny Youngman's Joke
Book, How to Write an Ef-
fective Resume, Sex for
the ... "
The C.E.O. interrupts the
dreary recital with a wave of
his hand. "Thank you Miss
Sharpe."
He gives me back my
resume and with a smile,
indicates the waiting room
door. "Would you be so
kind ...?"
And there. I sit, with the
tropical fish — a woman un-
masked and scorned.
I recently met with a group
of professional librarians
needed me. My grandson is
three years old. I had him for
the first time on Grandpar-
ents' Day. His parents are
divorced." •
The wife from Dallas was
awarded custody of a tin-
plated 1935 Comet aqua -and- •
silver engine, three pass-
enger cars, a . three-piece
green bridge, a standard
gauge tunnel, two street-
lights, toy baggage men and
baggage worth $500 to $1,000.
A grandmother from
Georgia wrote, "We were
given custody of our grand-
son for four years after the
mother left and our son tried
to "find himself". The new
wife moved 2,000 miles away
where our grandson could
"break the child's de-
pendency on us."
The laws are very explicit
about the custody and visita-
tion rights of inanimate
things like trains. When it
comes to human beings,
we're not so clear-cut. That's
why groups of grandparents
throughout the country are
addressing the problem
through Grandparents'
Rights°groups.
A letter from a grandchild
sums this piece up pretty
well. "After 35 years, when I
found my grandparents, only
my grandmother was alive.
She welcomed me with love
and kisses. Who else but a
grandmother would wel-
come me on sight:.. no ques-
tions asked? Unfortunately,
a few months later she
passed on, but I choose to
think God meant for me to
know her, if only for a short
time. For it was she who
bathed me, fed me and loved
me when everyone else had
other things to do."
who with one voice con-
demned censorship in the
public library system. And
so they should.
But would a little lying and
deception be so bad? What's
wrong with fake covers?
Who's going to know that An
Outline of Renaissance
Drama is covering up Come
in and Take Your Clothes
off? How to Find a Man and
Keep Him might well lurk
behind The Legal Status of
Collective Agreements in the
United States, Great Britain
and Canada.
You can't judge a book by
its cover. And you can't
judge a kook by her book.
I hope.
An expl-enation
By Gene Gary
Q. What is "pH" as it
refers to swimming pools?
We've heard that term used
among friends who have
swimming pools, but never
understood what it means.
We are now considering
the possibility of having a
pool installed, but haven't
quite made up our minds.
But, we'd at least like to
know what pH means.
—Nancy H.O.
A. Expressed on a scale of
0 to 14, pH measures the
balance between the
chemical additives and the
pool water. This balance
must be carefully controlled
in order to assure swimming
of pH
comfort. A pH higher than 7
is alkaline; lower, acidic.
The National Swimming
pool Institute has recom-
mended that a pH between
7.4 and 7.8 is ideal for disin-
fecting the pool water,' but is
not so strong as to cause dis-
comfort to swimmers.
Q. Four months ago I
washed the walls in my bed-
room with a solution of Spic
and Span that may have
been too strong. After going
over the walls three tines to
rinse the surface of the Spic
and Span, I find every night
the odor of the solution is still
present and strong.
This condition is present
after I painted the walls with
two coats of paint. What do
you advise me to do to get rid
of the odor?—Arthur C.
A. This is a common
problem where plastered
walls are not permitted to
thoroughly dry before any
covering, including paint, is
applied.
In time, the moisture in the
plaster should dissipate, but
m the meantime, there is not
much you can do about the
.condition except to see that
the room is aired out and
gets plenty of ventilation.
Q. We recently acquired a
lot of old books. A number of
them are quite moldy and
have a dank odor. Is there
any way to treat them to
make them more pleasant,to
handle?—C.C.W.
A. Wipe the mold off the
books with a clean, soft
cloth, slightly dampened
with denatured alcohol.
Pages can be cleaned the
same way sometimes.
If any of the bindings are
of leather, to remove mil-
dew, wipe with cloth dam-
pened with a solution of
equal parts of denatured
alcohol and water, then dry
outdoors.
Stained book pages can be,
dusted with French chalk or
cornstarch allowing the pow-
der to remain in the closed
book for several days, then
brush off.
Q. We have a canvas -cov-
ered sun deck floor that
needs repainting very badly.
What kind of paint is best to
use? —T.W.
A. Use a top quality deck
paint, applying two coats. Be
sure all loose and flaking
paint is removed, as well as
all dust, soot and other dirt,
prior to applying the new
coats.
Before you send it,seal ife
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