The Goderich Signal-Star, 1977-11-10, Page 27n
is d'
•
arriage
George Onwubere
clinical ssociation omber f
erican
Marriage & Family
Therapists
GOJM RICH SIGNAL -STAR, THURSDAY, NOV
p/ieiomena coiiplicci e tho perso
According to the systems
concept, the whole is more
than the sum of its parts. The
whole consists of all the parts
plus the way the parts
operate in relation to one
another.
Marriage as the prime
institution of society for
procreation and early care of
the young, as well as for
fulfillment of the emotional
and security needs of adults,
is being sorely questioned as
it is subject to the pressures
generated by our changing
world.
In totality marriage is not
just a rigid relationship
between two rigid in
dividuals. Marriage is a fluid
relationship between two
spouses and their two in-
dividual systems of
behaviour. The' totality of
marriage is determined by
how the spouses operate' or
behave in relation to each
other. There is a constant
motion in personalities and
hence in the marital system,
a changing of emotional
levels and intensities.
The phent�menon of
marriage system appears
MB
R 10.I1'
r>n more complicated when
one realizes that when a
person joins the company of
any other person, a new
system is generated.
In a marriage, each par-
tner tries to maintain
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behavioural systems which
provide himself with
maximum satisfactiolt.
Sometimes the satisfaett,pn
assumes neurotic dirlen-
Bions. When both partnersare
in .a state of satisfaction,
there is present an emotional
and psychic balance, a
aomeostasis.. That iswhat
they strive for - some people
anyway.
But human behaviour
changes frequently and
radically, and every action
and mood of one spouse
begets a reaction from the
lother. Therefore, to remain in
balance, the marriage
system always is in a state o
flux. The forces in it move
different directions, increa
and decrease in intensity.
WHAT TO DO
FIRST
an
se
When people marry, the
first important action which
takes place is the attempt of
each spouse to determine the
nature of the relationship;
that is, each wants the system.
to be satisfying to himself and
would prefer to achieve this
end without changing his
already established
behavioural pattern. Each
wants the other partner to
make the accommodations.
Usually a' spouse approves
of his own ways -of behaving,
his own mannerisms, habits
and performances, and finds
fault with those of the other.
For this reason almost •all
marriages at least at first -
have friction. To reduce this
friction is difficult because of
"hehavioural blindness".
In addition to individual
components /nd con-
tributions in a marriage,
societal expectations and
prescriptions are largely
responsible for the nature and
system of the relationship.
There are several fallacies
nd unnatural settings for
starting marriage. An earlier
article has pointed out some
of these. However, after the
almost forced expenditure
which most people cannot
afford, or if they can, will
take a very long time to
recover from same, they
zoom off to that traditional
romantic fallacy - honey-
moon.
I have ever since, without
success, attempted to justify
the whole concept of
honeymoon. In a way, it is an
escape from reality. To get
away from it all maybe.
Hut why do people start a
very crucial aspect of their
marital relationship away
from the environment where
it is to he established? To an
artificially designed and
decorated place. They even
have what they call
"honeymoon suites". Very.
few homes have settings
similar to them.
The married couple or one
spouse may have the
emotional registration that
life will. always be like the
honeymoon period. When the
honeymoon is over. the sound
of the music changes. It has
come to the time to face
reality. It is never quite
achieved.
All the commercialized
comforts of the honeymoon
are gone. Only some degree
of maturity, stability and well
established communication
system can serve to bring
about adjustment.
This brings us to the con-
cept of communication in •
marriage. Communication in
marriage is a constant ex-
change of information • of
messages • between two
spouses by speech, letter
writing, talking on the
telephone. the exhibition of
bodily or facial expressions,
and other methods as well.
The information may be
straightforward and factual,
conveyed by words, tone of
voice and gesture.
Receiving a message is not
a matter of understanding
Spoken words alone: the
rattling of pots in the kitchen
,or the slamming of a door
may telegraph the mood of a
spouse. Everything which a
person does in relation to
another is some kind of
message.
Frequently there is a
conflict of message. The
sender of the message may
include words which pur-
posely confuse the ostensible
message. The spoken words
may say one thing .but
behaviour, gesture,
responses, may say
something else. Faulty
communication is one of the
major causes of breakdown in
otherwise workable
marriages. Communication
is a skill which can be fear- $
ned. There are simple
techniques for guaranteeing
that messages sent are the
messages received,
is