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The Goderich Signal-Star, 1985-06-19, Page 25• Entertainment * Features • � w��m�p '_�_' Family Mare __'' - Bill limited . . ! i available adopted ed. note— names of adoptedrjpeople or their families have been changed in the following story to protect their privacy. BY SUSAN HUNDERTMARK As far back as she can Margaret Young knew she was adopted. As an inquisitive six-year-old, she remembers knocking on the neighbors' doors asking if they knew her birth mother. "I wasn't ungrateful ( to my adoptive parents). I just felt a need to find her,' she says. And, although finaily did find her birth mother more than 20 years later, Margaret still feels anger at the law which insists on treating adopted people as children with no right to learn the identity of their birth parents. ' 'The word child naturaily means without rights.' No matter how old we get, tb luvv always refers to us as adopted children. It's a basic and fundamental right to khnwwbo the hell yoU are and the Iaw never lets us grow up," she says. The way the law now otuude, adopted children at the age of 18 can receive non - identifying information about their birth parents which includes details about their oppeurunoe, pro[eoaioo, ancestry, health and the circumstancleading to d i But, if Bill 77, the Child and Family Ser- vices Act goes eviceu&ct8oeu into effecin Ontario this Oc- tobd d children will lose even their restricted rights to non -identifying informa-. tion. The only information available to them will be health information and then, only with a doctor's certificate and the permis- sion of the director of the Family and Children's Services. With the new adoption law threatening, the number of enquiries for adoption infor- mation at the Huron County Family and Children's Services has increased from two a month to two a week, says social worker LwUuoneTuylor. 'A lot of people have decided to get their names in and we're making as good an ef- fort as we possibly f-fortaanepooaib\y can. But, there's nothing we can do if the request doesn't come in before the legislation goes into effect," she says. Enquiries Re Even though social workers can now give any non -identifying information about birth parents to adopted people, the disclosure of identifying information is still a sore point. "People looking for their birth parents can get hostile when I tell them I can't giye them information. And, it's going to get worjse ( when the new law goes into effect )," she says. Margaret remembers how frustrated she felt during her search for her birth. mother when information was not readily available from a social worker. She sat there with a file an inch thick and told me shecouldn't give me anymore infor- mation ntopmutmn about myself. She was reading something I've longed to know for years; it was about me and she was telling me 1 had noriAhttoknow." .The social worker also told her to et some psychiatric help to stop her obsession with her birth mother. Included in the non -identifying informa- tion was the fact her mother worked for a textile factory. But, the social worker made a point of tellingMargaret Margaret that the factory \ wus not in Woodstock and it was the social worker's fib that led Maret tsearch and find her irth mother in Woodstock. AfterVlur8oret had narrowed her birth mother down to three sisters who had Iived in the city at the time of her birth, she phon- ed the social worker again who was actually quite excited for K8urguret, telling her, "I think your mother will be quite glad to see 9`u;snnoethin8inthcD\cindicoteathat.^ They made a deal that Margaret would allow -wxorher to- ' meeting if she would tell Margaret which sister was her birth mother. Margaret arrived 10 minutes early for the meeting snshe- wouldn't meet her mother an the way into the building. While waiting for the 10 n-unutes to pass, she says each rninute seemcd an hour but when she was led into —Unrroou/ who/e|xer-nnother~sat; says she could barely force herself to look. While she and her birth mother sobbed. the social worker kept repeating how wonderful she thought thereunio/. was go- ing. Secrecy in adoption .Jane's mother finally told her she was The secrecy surrounding adoption is also a problem for Jane Adams, an adopted per- son who also gave up a son for adoption. A year after she discovered adoption papers in her mother's chest of drawers, adopted at age 10. "It seemed to be everyone else knew but me. After a lot of teasing, my mother finally told me even' though my father didn't want me to know. I felt like I wasn't quite as good as the rest of the family. I was at loose ends for three days after she told me." At 20, she needed her mother's signature before she could get any non -identifying in- formation about her birth parents. And, though she's looked on and off all her life, she's never found her birth parents. A widow with one child, Jane found herself pregnant in her mid -20's with g se- cond child by a man she would never marry. Since she was finding it difficult to cope as a single parent with one child, she first sought an abortion but settled for adoption. "I wasn't coping well at the time and I felt strongly about a single parent home. You Adopted people often feel their future was "up for grabs" at the time of their adoption.Feelings ofiusecuritSf and abacon� ent6ovetohedeaitvvitbdu6oAtbesearch for birt h parents. (photo by Susan Hundertmark) ° "She (the social �0� ) sat there with a file �� ��/ ���� �� '4- ° o�~ ��N� � ���cN� ����� told ���"� ^���q� ��y��l�L�� K� �����"� information �� ��� She��N� ���������o�°�� ���fo�'�����,����� ����o��� ����o�����° °^ ~ l� y �� -� was reading something N �� longed to know ��°���������� w������������������ �� �� ��'�������� .~~ . -_ __ -� years; it was about me and she was telling u^���� -`~-----�� l� �� �- yy me � had no right ��� 0������� '= ~~�� ������ .r ° N N-~@ 0�°� N ��0 "N��NPU By try to make the besdecision you can at thc time. If you can go through a pregnancy but they're not always there," she says. After she gave birth to her son„Jane spent several days wrestling with the decision to put him up for adoption. Though her heaq cried out to keep him, her intellect told her adoption was the best decision. "I've never ceased to wonder about him especiaff on birthdays and T6ff The channels open for him to f ind, me if he wants by putting my name in the central registry in Tornnm. Though she agrees that the Adoption Disclosure Registry , w here adopted children and their birth parents can register their names and hope for a match, is a good start, Jane says she doesn't approve of a social worker as a mediator. "Maybe you can handle it and maybe you can't but you should have the decision. It's a fact that's happened So why should it be hid- den? It's too bad that individuals have these important decisions to make over everyone else's lives," she says. Because her son was adopted privuhely. Jane's been able to keep up to date with non- identi[yinA information about him throughout the years from the doctor who arranged the adoption. "I'6 like to meet him but l don't think \ should be the one doing the looking. l don't want to violate his privacy; Iye|t 1 gave that opwbenIputhbnup[orudopCion." Still, she cannot understand the fear of many adoptive parents that they will lose their children to the birthparents. "Why would you fear your chil'd making friends with whomever? You'll never lose the child if there's egood ra)udonohipthere: ynu`D.have mbond withwho's caring and committed to you. And, surely to God, as an adult, an adoptedpersoncunmakethe decision about who he's going to be able to meet," she sa CollemJackson has never looked for her birth pa rehts though she's curt' uzq and ei -Tit- tle afraid of "that mysterious little spot in mylife.^ `^( think if l ever did it looked for my birth parents ), l would really hurt my parents who adopted me. | think they'd think I don't love them any more. But. [m afraid if 1 leave it too late. in real parents will be dea3��T�yuyx. "My Dad always said he didn't want to know ing aboumy pat saying. 'She's ours now. • She's ours now ' Colleen says she doesn't '%,r remember being 'told she was adopted her parents though her mother always say s she told her. She remembers being teased hy the girls at school about being adopted. though at the time, she wasn't sure what that meant. When she found her birth (Ili if irate once, she discovered her birth n'vn, and found five familiwith the same nrie in the Lon- don phone book but she dichil fidlow it up. But, her curiosity grows ,tronger while she watches her four children 4row up. One nagging worry is her health history, And, when her relatives remark how her children look like her husband and his side of the family, h ' that she nnt supply any information about her ancesrT "Wouidn't it be nice if one f them looked like my side of the family?" she asks. When she sees stories about reunions on television with people running and hugging each other, she says she probably wouldn't be that affectionate in the sane situation. "Even though it's never really bothered me about being adopted, ma be cleeri down I feel abandoned. It takes a long time for me to be able to' trust someone and I've never known any friends I'm real4 close to." When she thinks about the day each of her children,werehorn. Colleen wonders if her -birth -rnUherever has the same ttioughts- about her. But when she pictures her birth parents, she visualizes a |o* income family comprised of a skinny w000uo, a husband `rhndrinks tnnmuchand too many k id*. 'It might be better not to know about it. It could be disillusioning. l might regret it," she says. ti 1, Culfeeirsdy she wryttltin2-the-s. ed if she did decide to look for them one day if she could get around her fear of hurting her adoptive parents. She says a child has a right to know where it's come from. "They ( my parents ) treat me like a baby sometimes'. It doesn't give y'ou a lot of room to find out about yourself." One adoptee who waited until her adopted father died to research her birth parents is Karen Thomas. Kecause her adoptive mother dicd shortly after h adopted, her,adoptive father had a difficult fight to keep her. Karen never really thought about looking for her birth parents until her father died and she could not find her adoption papers in her fathers possessions. Her uncle had taken the ,papers thinking her finding them would be upsetting. -Once I asked him where they were, he agreed to help me find my birth parents. He hired a private investigator who found everyone but my birth father," she says. After an intermediary called the birth Cool reception mother in California, the reception was very cool and her mother was not interested mu meeting. And, although she admits she may be ra- tionalizing her rejection, Karen says she Turn to page 3A" ��' � � ��� going =° ��� ����um���� ����� to be ruthless �� ��0�====�^��� and get rich ������� uu�~�== Five short years ago, 1 sat in n'Y university politics class and listened to a lecture about the "working poor." A group of people comprising two-thirds of those living under the poverty level, the working poor are non -unionized and work, often at more than one job, and still can't break out of their poverty. Little did I realize (while a comfor- tably middle class student through the hoard work of my parents) that I would soon have a lot in common with these people. can't say my professors at journalism school didn't warn us. Almost bragging like war herbes, they said time, and time again, "You'd better' not be in this business for the money!" Commitment, idealism and the hunger for a good story were supposed to be the fuel of newspaper reporters -who needed the green stuff? And, of course, 1 fell for it. Now, with car payments, rent, groceries and other living expenses (including a nice, fat bill from Revenue Canada), I'm sadder, poorer but hopeful- ly wiser. I've made one very important dbmouvery-I`nofinancially illiterate. Like 75 per cent of all women in Cunudm, I'm destined to becorne one of the ldo } r even a bag lady (as a friend and l morbidly joke.) That is, unless gain some knt the workings of money and beat Conrad Black and the rest of the Canadian Cor- porate Elite at their own game (or, at least give them a run for their mega- bucks!) Bag lady destiny You see, the prOblem with most women, according to a recent article in Chatelaine magazine, is "poverty mentality." Instead of actively pursuing our fullest potential, we place conraints on ourselves. While waiting for a man (preferably a rich one) to take us away from all this, we put less energy in our careers know- ing our talents will be of little use while we're keeping the castle clean for Prince Charming and raising his royal kids. We also, yield to more powerful per- sonalities (such as ountskuoUund, bosses) rather than acting in our own best interests. We're our own worst critics defeating ourselves before anyone else has a chance to try. We haven't yet learned the "bravado baffles brains" technique used by so many successful businessmen. We also hold ourselves back by hang- ing. onto dreams unKio8`untodreunuu which can never work for us. While planning to take an expen yivo holiday, we never learn the skills to fford the triOr, we stay in'u dead-end job eonvincing ourselves we could never be happy living anywhere else. All of this behavior results in indeci- sion and therefore inaction. And, as everyone knows, money doesn't ac- cumulate unless it's circulating. c'cuooulateuoloymd`uoirculmdnA. The recent federal budget has well demonstrated that the have-nots (you and me) have little importance with those who run the country. Murray Car- dif[.Bucon-8rueeK8Precendyto|dnmoit was too bad about the large number of single, elderly woinen living in poverty but hdoubted tht wouldbo doing anything to help them out. Instead, they could expect receiving less of their old age pensions to -help reduce the federal deficit. There are no benefits I can see in the recent budget for either the young or thc elderly with lower incomcs.Unless softie wealthy relative ( and I don't think there .m` some money, my hudget does not include any nuoney.tu invest to benefit from the recent tax break on capitai gains. Self-made °�^^ o�;�~^� vv�zuao- & more likely situation will be that { continue to pay a higher b of Jny income otaaxes while Ub,c1 wealthv pay proportionateiy less than If my goal is to make money, I'm going to have to have a plan. I've already ruled self- made Woman. First, I've got to gesome education about obska, bonds, tax loopholes and how to affordthem It appears I'lI have to :litch many of the ideals l now hold near and dear, effeo- tive ways to make money include the pro duction of bombs and various other weapons of war. ErOlbiiing third world countries such as Haiti where natives mass-produce designer clothes for $3 a day, also seems lucrative. And, closer to home, ['U have to forget about paying women equal wages—with more and more women on the job market, they're a perfect source of cheap labor. Or, maybe I'li just run for parlia- ment where 1 can vote for my own raises, make the rules and even help out my relatives with a few patronage appoint- ments. It could be I'being little too hard on rich people. After all, if we can believe Finance Minister Michael VVUuon, there are a shortage of them in our country. And, we really should be kind to all minorities., There l go again with my idealism. But, just to show I'm no bigot,I'd be will - i ce being rich for awhile or "walk a mile in their patent leather yhoeo" so to speakAnyone want to con- tribute $1 million to a good cause?