The Exeter Times, 1879-10-30, Page 2HUMOROUS
\Voancu's writes ---Postscripts.
Butcher shops are joint stock con•
Winter cornea when autumn loaves..
.DostOit Post.'
The arch young woman with a beau
becomes ar'ahet..
Doer step receptions are over for
tho„season.
•'Whorl the gods wish to destroy they
first induce to wear tight boots.
"" What is marriage 2" noire we.
man the more and one macs the less."
A pedigree may be a good tiring to
)bet on, but the first horse iu is the
anitalal whti rakes in the dinette.
A Cleveland man, who has had
several wives, says a baldheaded
eagle is the one that has been mar-
ried.
Where there's a smoke there's some
faro, and very often a mighty poor ci-
gar,
"Do unto others as you would be
done by," but tako precious care that
you are not "done by others.
"Business suits," Bays an advertise-
ment. So it does; and the more there
is of it the better it suits, providing it
is profitable.
A bear spot—The North Pole.
A dessert waste-- Scooping out the
inside sof a _hie and throwing away the
crust.
A precocious yoctb, prompted by an
unpleasant recoliettiou of the last term,
bays that school teachers are like dogs
because "they lick .your hand." This
carries off the palm.
"Did you ever see au apron 2" says
one of those interrogative newspapers
that are always getting off squibs about
Did you ever hear a horse laugh, or
a rope -walk," etc. Yes, we have seen
au apron and it covered oue lap.
The following grave remark is credit-
ed to tt Cape Cod sexton. It was an
exceptionally fine day in September,
wheu the fashioner of final resting
places and with a sigh of regret
"-This would be a lovely day fur a ber-
rieu—of there were anybody to be hur-
ried.
Slight Mietake at a Christening.—
Clsrgymau (who has forgotten the day
of the month ): "Let me see, this is
this--ah—the thirtieth, I believe?"
Fusel inotiner t(not catching the idea
exactly, but thinking of her family):
•"1Vhy, bless me, no—this is only the
eleventh !"
At the Fulton (Wis.) fair, recently,
a valuable cow died suddenly, and a
post -Mortem examination revealed a
hairpin in her heart. This paragraph
Ehouid bo headed; " Distresaiug Fate
cf a 1Iillcmaid 1 A Portion of Her re-
mains Found in the Heart of a Cowl''
No Fuss over it.—"Yes, sab-1 was
drunk, sail," said Albert Williams as
he came out. "This is how many times.
"Fo' dates this suwmer, salt, an' de
last time yon said I'd git sixty days if
I come again." "And you are here!"
"1 is sail. "Then it is sixty days."
"Worry well, sab. I does bizoess
on de squar', salt. Whar's de bench to
sit on, au' what time does de buggy
leave de dost?"
A Story We Utterly Disbelieve, --
"Seel" said a reverend gentleman,
"boars is au illustratiou. At one time
I should have sworu awfully at this fly
—but look now."Raisiug his haul, he
said, gently, "Go away, fly, go away."
But the fly only tickled his nose the
more. The reverend gentleman, rais-
ing his hand with some vehemence,
made a grab at the offender, and being
successful, opened it to throw the in-
sect from him, when in extreme die-
guet, he exclaimed : "Why, d—n it, it's
a. tt asp 1'
MIT
"ESQ.,,
A yenng man whose money didn't
hold out es long as the State Fair,
dropped into a telegraph office yester-
day and sent a dispatch to his father
iu an interior towu to forward hila cash
enough to reach home with. When
the receiving clerk saw that, the dist.
pateh read, "To John Blank, Esq.,"
11e suggested that a saving could bo
made by erasing the "E.4q,"
"Well, ebbe you think so, but I
don't" replied the• sender, ,Vlleu I
am at home I oan call hien 'dad' all dad
long, but when it curates clown to blatrk
and white you've got to "..Esquire' him
tight up to the sures,.or walk home by
the duet load. Don't you dare to leave
it
that off—not with the roads as muddy
as they are cowl"
Ier about (an hour..,
over was received
John Blank, Esq. forwards you $10
asci you, eau have more if you want it.
John: Blank, Esq.
"Didn't ',tell ye" chuckled the young
man as ha read it. "Dad's common en-
ough when we're all home and rushing
to get fall wheat in, but the minute
his back comes along he weighs more
to the ton thou any "Esq." ou lege 1
tell ye, you don't know a mar till ye'vl
hoed Dorn with him t"
HO wY THEY WERE GOING TO
GET IN.
"Your folks going to state fair, Jim!"
inquired et newsboy as he greeted e.
Postoffioe bootblack yesterday, with a
slap on the back.
"Not unless things changes," was
solemn reply.
"Be they all sick?"
"It's all mixed up," replied the black
as he surveyed flagstone for a cigar
stump. "Dai) was going to cheek it iu,
but he has got a big boil on his chin
and he caul play off that he's a Con-
gressman from Ohio as he meant to.
The old lady she was going in ou a
pass as the oldest daughter, but she
broke her false teeth and would pass
for a hundred years old. Sister Sarah
was going whit her beau, but ho:cau't
get away from his butcher shop."
"Nell, ain't you going?"
""I was going. I had a holo dug un-
der the fence, and everything fixed, but
when I went up there this morning,
I'll be hanged if they hadn't fastened
a drove of Mules ou the inside of the
hole! 1 guess our family will wait for
the Fourth of July."
WHObE PIGS.
When the Bishop of Peterborough
was installed in his couutry parsonage,
he used to go out a good deal among
his parisliioners, and on one occasion
came across a boy minding a sow and
her litter : when the following ool:ver-
sation ensiled: —
Vicar—Well, my little mar, and
whose pigs are those?
Boy—Whoi, that old tow's, to be
sore.
Vicar—No, no, I gout mean that
Who is the master of thew?
Boy—Whoi, that little blank chap
thord with the curly tail. He licks the
lot on'em.
Vicar—amused—No, no, you don't
understand rno. I mete who is the
owner of thein? who do they belong toe
Boy—belong to? whoi to my father
of course.
Vicar—Well, who is your father?
Boy—Weil, look 'ere ; if you just
Moind the pigs, oi'Il run an' ax moth-
er.
ROUGH TREATMENT OF A
SPIRIT.
Geor6e Tomes and a friend from
Pittsburgb,uimed F. A. Tremain, went
to see a spiritual seance in a well -furni-
shed brown -stone house up -town last
Sunday evening. They paid $1 each
for entrance. T,,mes saysl: "When
the spirit Mary name out into the room,
about eight feet from the cabinet, the
passage was clear in front of me, and
I went for her like a streak of lightn-
ing, and threw my arms around her.
She screamed and struggled, and sev.
oral men ran to her assistance. My
friend started to help mc, but he fell
over the Beate, and the spirit got away
from me. The ghost weighed 150
pounds if she weighed an ounce, and I
fully identified her as the medium.
A woman who had been sitting behind
where 1 stood cried out,"ton nearly
killed my daughter, and you ought to
be shot with a pistol ; and I've a good
mind to shoot you tor treating a spirit
in that way.' The spirit had very tittle
clothes ou, and her face was whitened
to give her a ghostly look.
BAD NEWS FOR GAS MAN.
If the gas companies know when they
are well off they will sell out as quick-
ly as possible. Appalling news conies
for gas men from Leesburg, Ohio. A
gas maohine has been invented that for
its disastrous effects on gas oompaniee
quits eolipses the electric light. This
timely notice is giver •so that our
TEM TIMES 00201E1i 30, 1879
friends; the gas companies, can get rid
of their now useless property as speed)
ly as possible, J. T. Gurthrie, a eiti-
son of Leesburg, has just patented (4
machine for atiliziug the gas from bi-
tuminous coal haat is otherwise loot
with the smoke through the flues and
chimneys. The machine is very ample
and car be attached to a common cook-
ing or heating stove, and the advan-
tages claimed for it over all the previ•
oils patents ate such as to render it one
of the greatest inventions of the age.
Any person can handle it easily, and
the salve fuel that cooks your breakfast.
will produce an abundance of pure gas,
sufficient to illuminate ,your house
during the night without any extra ex-
tra expense whatever. Mr, Guthrie al-
so claims the right of attaching it to
furnaces, grates and any and all places
where coal is used for fuel and heating
purposes. Mr. Guthrie has his inven-
tion in successful operation and hun-
dreds of people visit trim daily to see
the wonderful machine. All, so far,
beat testimony of its wonderful merits
and general utility. The inventor
claims that good, pure gas can be
produced by the machine at a coot not
to exceed twenty cents per thousand
cubio feet, and e,.rnestly invites prac-
tical mon from all parts of the country
to come, see and examine the workings
of his late invention.
► sib. 4
TRUTH IS MIGHTY.
As the little leaven hid in the mea-
sure of meal, made all leaven, so truth
gradually overcomes all doubt and dis-
belief When .Dr. Pierce, of Buffalo,
N.Y., announced that his Favorite Pre-
scription would positively core the
many diseased and weakneas peculiar
to woman, some doubted, and continu-
ed to employ the harsh Bind caustic lo-
cal treatment. But the mighty truth
graduallybeoame acknowledged. Thou-
sands of ladies who had uselessly un-
dergone untold tortures et tits hands of
different physicians, employed the
Favorite Prescription, atld were speedi-
ly cured Many physieiaus now pre-
scribe it iu their practice. So sangu-
ine is Dr. Pierce of its power to cure.
that he now sells through druggists un-
der a positi\o guarantee.
RE1_tOVTAL!
REMOVAL!
RE 1IOVAL!
t E MOVAL!
REMOVAL!
REMOVAL!
P. FRA.YN.r;
has retuoved to his new shop, lately occupied by
Perkins & Co—two doors north of J. Grigg's book
store, wit ere you will find everything usually kept
in a first-class harness establishment, which for
quality of material and style of workmanship
IS NOT EASILY SURPASSED
Call and examine Ivy stockbeforopurehasing
elsewhere.
PETER FRAYNE.
HAVE YOU LOST THE SENSE OF
TASTE OR SMELL ?If so, itmay be from
the LEPROSY of the 19th century, (Uranium. Tun
CONSTITUTIONAL CATAnsrr lirsDIEDY will restore
yon to enjoyable health. It not only cures Ca-
tarrh, but all other diseases at the same time,
Price t;l per pottlo. hot sale by all druggists and
Medicine dealers Send stamp for 4S page pam-
phlet containieg treatise on Catarrh, end nertifi-
catee of the cured to T. I. it. HARDING, Domin-
ion Agent,llruckville,Ont.
CONSTITUTIONAL CATARRH REMEDY.
The only certain, safe, and effectual euro for
Cats rrh, builds up the system and cures all other
diseases at the same time. Asthma, hose Cold,
Hay Fever, Nervous Debility, all leave together
when the Constitututional Catarrh Remedy is
taken as directed. Price 51 per bottle. For sale
by all druggists and5Led lolne dealers.
Groceries Pi G'on fectonary.
Smoaing Tobacco 26 Cents per lb
CHOICE TBOACCOS AND CIGARS
always instock,
t SPORTSMEN'S DEPOT.
School Books, Stationary, Magazines
WITH ALL THE LATEST news
N.13.—Rewing Machu. Needles ofevery kind.
A. BOYD.
NEW BUTCHER SHOP
�he undersigned wou]dinform the iuhabi-
tants ofExeter and vicinity that hobos
OPENED A NEW BUTCHER SlziOP
one,toor south of 1:isT3lacisinithshop andhopee
thesame liberal patronage that ltas been ac
corded to him in the
ULA01Lae1ITII AND WAGON MAInIUS
H110 willhoostenelc l to him Iit hie now branch of
otminuss, tits meat wagon will call at the resi-
dents of the village three timeseacLweekend
FRESH M.EAT
all kinds kept constantly on baud, at his
butcher shop,
Blacksmith and wagon maid:Igonrrled on
as usual in al) its bratrbes
E, DAVIS.
NOTICE,
All accountr duo to tho C3odorioh roundry and
nlanufactn.iug Company Minitel) must be
promptly settled to avoid .;odes.
No persons are authorised to receive isayraonta
or make settlements e•1 behalf Of the company
except the tudersigued,,
I•IORACE HOUl'ON,
President.
J0101 CHIRISTIAN,
Seereter?.
tt
Godorioh, Juno 13, 1379.
I THE FALL A U)WIINI .l'hRT,I ADE,
mko
t $outhcott $033.
'I'd1l,l0RRS irrsd U)'I'itwk k5,
)'aka pleasure to St fan•si the tui:abiitanto of 1i istea
addenrrouutl:ng eueiuvey,that thoy have just
ope yed out air om:el4vutassortom ntof
► T,re'eed:t, t of►fif►r/a, Testi,'psetr.,
le
the la.tost atylos else patterrrs,and feel assures;
tlaatintaomatter ofslot!:ing, they can suit the
ntostfastldioustastos.
C. t.% S. GIDLEY,
Undertaker- and Fl urniture
WOULD
those whGAY! ntenTOs
purchasing to do so rrotu
the manufacturer. The
dealer who buys to sell
again must necessarily
have a profit. We claim
to give the purchasers the
benefit, which cannot fail
to meet the views of the
Grangers. Our exnonsse
aro less than those of city
mane lae•turers couseq':ont-
Ty we can eellchoaper.
Lar clfii,atni'e'r4
WTE WOUID
eal'taieeialatteutiva
to our ttnclertalcit"q, dei t rt
uteut,wltielt is ntore pont.
1•lete than e ver, as we have
added several new designs
1 of late Tie best cellist
caskets sbre•uds,aUO eve: y
uneral requisite at the
lowest prices. Our now
Hearse is pronounced 1) r
competent Indroh to be:-
second to non e,:lin the
provinces
Emblems of all the
Different Societies.
'1'.FIISIS N 13.AST r
Truth Concerns You More Than Counterfeit,
o---
Therefore,read, purchase, and enjoy its bargains. When I say1 manufacture my own furniture
ant prepared with my proot.sheot that the people can inspect at any time by calling at ray Ware
rooms where they will see a superb dis play of
Furniture in All Its Branches
rs nranufaeterod by myself and my combined artistic skill, with good workmanship. I der nue not
iusatisfying the people with a class of Fueniture that cauuot be equalled for quality or price iu
rnxeter,all blowing to the contrary, notwithstanding.
WHEN YOU WANT 4NY FURNITURE GIVE 3. BRAWN:A CAIL.
Nearly opposite Kemp's Tobacco Store. Main Street, _Beet er.
1879) FALL (1879
0
THE OLD RELIABLE I -IO USE
At alltimes,. ndpartioalarly at a period when Trade is universally depressed and money
scarce, it is in the interest of every buyer to purchase where he -can got the article he wants,
at the lowest rate. Iu chili ngvour attention to my present stock, I do so with eve'•y con tid
once; it being more carefully assorted and selected than that of buy previoussoasun.
• In the Dry Goods
Every department is replete with the most seasonable and fashionable fabrics, marked at
prises which should commandthe attention of tho very closest buyers. THE OIEDElirlD
GLOTIII13a4 still has Ml%. W, IVES at it. head
In Millinery
Underthe mauagemento1 Miss MoGloghlon , we can suit the most fast dtiins. Our stock of
Groceries, Boots and Shoes, Canadian, English and ,American
Shelf and Heavy Hardware
one of tae ]argestand best assorted in the Comity. Intending purchasers will 'consul; their
bestinteroats Ivy examining mystock before going elsewhere.
JAMES 1'.iCtA.RD
THE EXE TER
TIN AND ST ;' VIM ¢SPOT
0
T1Ib1 5abscriber begs to announce to the inhabitants of Exeter and thes•-rreu:iding coar.-
1 try, that be has opened a TIN and 8FC) Y.t: DEPOT in the store nearly opposite Mr. G.
A. 1laoos Grocery and Liquor stere, Main street. Exeter, where he is p.opai ed to fill all oaten s
for
Cook, Parlor and other Stoves
At Manufacturer's' Prices.
tinware, cheaper than the cheapest, and made up by practical
workmen on the premises.
Eave-Troughingdone to order, Carriage Plating :r Snecin.ity- Coal oil Chimneys, the
very best and none Cheaper.
0
Intending purchasers will always find me at my pos 1, ready to attend to my own business
and prepared at all times to treat customers courteously and supply them with a good and
cheap article. Depend upon it that nowhere can you get better value for your money.
The very highest price in Cash paid for Hides and Sheep skips.
E H. SPACE IAN.
Exeter P 0,1:to bar 15 137 7
LADIES' MANTLES.
MANTLE
DOLMAN CLO1HSy
SILK FRINGE S,
WOOL FRINGES,
FUR TRIMMING,
TRIMMED HATS,
FLOWERS & FEAT1E RS.
T.13E BEST VALUE AT
rut arTTON BRO , lboatory