The Huron Expositor, 1996-02-07, Page 5Weird Al must be mother of invention
As a concerned citizen of this
planet which is rapidly running
out of food, fresh water. and
clean air while doubling its
population every couple of
years, you will be pleased to
know that right now industrious
inveLttors are hard at work and.
spending billions of dollars to
create new products to enhance
your lifestyle; products... like
the Hay Fever Hat.
The Hay Fever Hat is a roll of
toilet paper equipped with a
chin strap so you can wear it on
your head; close to the sources
of coughing and sneezing. 1
should warn you that wearing
the Hay Fever Flat while dri-
ving a car can be hazardous
unless you tuck the end of the
roll in your ear. This will also
eliminate the need for a Q-tip.
(Do not wind the end of the roll
around your head unless you
have a ceremonial sword to
wear on your belt.)
Other merchandising miracles
that will soon hit the market-
place arc the -Eye Drop Funnel
Glasses which allows you to hit
an eye -drop -hull's cye every .
time. the Bath Body Suit,- plas-
tic coveralls that allow you to
experience the warmth of the
bath without 'getting wet and
Detachable Tooth Covers. plas-
tic gum inserts that keep your
teeth clean while eating. Not
only will the•, purchase�of all
three items confirm your life-
long commitment to polyester. •
they also create • a swell
. Hallowe'en ensemble.
Last year Duster Slippers For
Cats, footwear designed to col-
lect dust while your cat walked
around thc house. didn't prove
too successful. Half the cats
outfitted with the oversized
socks 'were tow damn lay 10 get
off the couch and the other half
frantically ran around trying to
dislodge the footwear. smash- -
ing things along the way.
Undaunted, this year the same
creators now bring you Daddy
Nurser, a 'pair of artificial
' breasts with shoulder strapsthat
enable fathers to experience the
'•joy of breast-feeding'. (Guys.
please remember to remove
your breasts before heading off
`-William
Thomas
to the poker game.)
In Vancouver, for S12 you can
take your. dog to Launderdog, a
self-service shampoo pit stop'
complete with soap; brushes,
.towels and dryers. (Pass on the
•hot wax.) . •
At the Park' Bench Cafe in
•Huntington Beach, California
your doe can sit next to you at
the table and order off theall-
new dog menu.` A plate of live
dog -biscuits will run him 50
cents. the Wrangler Roundup (a
ground turkey patsy) is S2.25.
The 'big bonus here is that if
you get worked over by a surly
waiter; the dog can register his'
displeasure by running, up and_
biting him in the
•
in Japan. inventor Yashiro
Nakamats has come up with
Yummi Nutri Brain biscuits.
(Apparently they taste just:like
the Park Bench C'afe's,dog his-
cuits. the difference.is after the
dog goes and -fetches the paper
for you. he'll also read you the
•sports ).
•
The inventor claims his brain
biscuits. when laken in con-
Junction with his exercise and
sex creations; can extend your
lift to the agcof 144 years. His
exercise -and .sex inventions are
•- i hope you've sitting dowi --
spring-loaded logging shoes
Advantages of cell phones
Dear Editor, -
Re: Cell Phones
'I am surprised with so
much concern for children's
.safety no one mentioned the
advantages of -the portable
phone.
With many farm- partners
.working away; 2 -way radios
• _ are of little help, but a pocket
phone could: bring help in
• - minutes...
I know of couples with
phones who share them. In
the winter it is in the car and
• -in summer it is , with the.
farmer. From it he can call
• for help, fire department,
order fertilizer or spray and
even call for parts (if he -has
the wrong kind of equip.
Letters
mens).
I -feel there are, many more
health pluses •than minuses.
Losing a parent because there
was .no service in thc arca
would be morc stressful.
This past weekend a lady
was able to call on her phon.c
after an accident left her
trapped in her car. The .pluses
and minuses should'bc looked
at.
Neil McGavin
• Walton
Health units can do immunization
for millions less than doctors
Dear Editor, •
So parents who • have
children in line for their
measles shot want to know
why Public Health. Units in
Ontario got the job • to
.eliminate 'measles in Ontario?
There arc two goxxl reasons:
qualifications and cost.
Public Health .Units arc no
strangers ..to. mass
immunization programs. They
have conducted them in the.
past and continuouslynionitor
immunization and infectious
disease outbreaks in
communities - it's their job to
do this.
• The this..
of the current
measles vaccination program
is not to just control measles,
but to eliminate it entirely. To
do this, it .has to be done
quickly and efficiently over a
short period of time. Public
Health Units are the only
agencies with the resources
and training to do this work.
Stratford school
Dear Editor,
Attention to all students
who attended Stratford
Collegiate institute during
1950 to 1960. Plans for our
1996 'Back to the Fifties'
reunion are completed, and
we are very excited with the
number of registrations we
have received to date. Over
900 former students have
signed up to attend.
Therefore, if you have not
Because more than two
million young people .will be
immunized. Public Health -
Units have reassigned nurses
from other .programs to
administer the vaccine. Only
fully trained nurses 'licenced
by the Ontario College of
Nurses • will administer the
shots. Public Health Units
already provide the public'
with flu.shots. for seniors and
hepatitis B vaccine.
. This. program • is costing
four million dollars: The
charge to, OHiP • for
physicians • to ; do the same
work would be a minimum of
516 million dollars and could
'run as high as S70 million if
a minor , assessment was
included. As a parent, this. is
the kind of use of my tax
dollars which makes sense.
Sincerely,
Winston Miller
President, Ontario Public
Health Assoxation
reunion in Mav
registered, we advise you to
do so as soon as possible
because space. is limited to
1400. The date again is May.
17, 18, 19 this year.. If you
need a registratiop . form or
want . more information;
telephone I-800-330-3555:
Thelma Smith
Back to the Fifties
Committee Secretary
Stratford
and the Love -Jet clitoral stimu-
lator. (Do- not, 1 repeat, do not
operate these' pieces of equip-
ment at the same time. And that
certainly applies to any guy
who happens to be breast feed-
ing!)
But the product which 1 think
best displays the spirit of entre-
preneurism in the 90's is olestra,
Proctor & Gamble's zero -calo-
rie fake -fat cooking oil:devel-
oped at a cost of $250 million
(U.S.). A -typical serving of
potato chips contains •10 grams
of fat 'and 150 calories. Made
with olestra, the same serving
has zero fat and just 60 calories.
The U.S. Food and Drug
Administration has. recently
:approved the use of olestra
despite the fact it causes stom-
ach. cramps. diarrhea and flatu-
lence. (And if,you think you're
surprised, you should see the
looks on the faces of the Fruit
Of The Loom boys!) . •
Olestra passes through the
body too fast to clog arteries or
create fat. Just imagine edible
WD40 coursing through your
digesting through your diges-
tive track, setting offtiny photo
radar cameras near most major
organs until it mysteriously dis-
appears with a bang at the end
of the line. • •
Proctor& Gamble plans to
use olestra in its Pringles pota-
to -chips. The new slogan: "Eat
'em. get set. go!!!"
.You may thank spending S250
million (U.S.) so we can enjoy
fat-free potato chips is a frivo-
lous waste of money. -1 disagree.
1 see olestra as a major_scientif-
ic breakthrough and a real job
booster.' since its :side effects
• will dramatically increase the
sales of that Hay Fever' Hat.
I'm pleased to announce that
at the midway point of. this
decade. necessity is nous, longer
the mother of invention. I
believe Weird Al Yankovich is
now the mother of invention.
MALCOLM
GRAY
INSURANCE BROKERS
Allan Carter, Broker
• Home • Auto
• Commercial
• Farm
522-0399 Seaforth
1-800-265-0959 Strathroy
THE HURON EXPOSITOR, February 7, 1996-5
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