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Exeter Advocate, 1906-4-5, Page 7LEGAL WIT AND HUMOR GOOD STORIES Or FUN IN. 11fl COURT BOOM. Comicality of a Defence Elas Olten Proved More Eifel:live Than Eloquence., • There are few people who dare ven- tura on anything approaching the humorous, in ow' courts of justice. Such laughter as is indulged in there is gen- erally mused either by •the person on the Bench, or the culprit in the dock.• They are the only two who dare Venture • en the comic. Gentlemen who have had experience in appearing before magis- trates and judges are often aware that an absurdity that causes a laugh fre- quently means a substantial reduction In the fine •or period of imprisonment that awaits them, says London Answers. "I have served terms of seven years and of three years' penal servitude," 'declared a prisoner at Liverpool assizes some time • back, "arid do you, my Lord, and you,gentlemen of the jury, Ranh that with such a record I should condescend to steal a shirt?" OFFENDED DIGNITY. The questiort, demanded in tones of Pee most deeply injured dignity, seat the jury and judge into uncontrollable laughter. "And look at it, gentlemen" he went on, painting a scornful finger at the garment which had been:. produced' in evidence — "look at it, gentlemen Usher, kindly hold it up ! • Can you cre- dit that, if I did stoop to steal a shirt, .should steal such a shirt as that ?" • Circumstances were unfortunately too strong for the exceedingly particular gentleman, but the sentence was a light one. The prisoner who indignantly repte 'elates the offence with which he is charged as being a monstrous reflection on his good breeding ' and culture is •often most amusing. A tramp, ac- cused of attempting to break into a Northampton booking -office, "brought down" the 'coura-by his expostulation. "Would a man of my education and knowledge of the world have tried to corrimit the offence in the way de. scribed by the officials?" he demanded, in tones quavering with injured pride. "Absurd!" PLAIN "MISTER" ONLY. As for unconscious humor on the part of witnesses and persons charged in the courts, their number is legion. Gen - *.rally speaking, sheer nervousness is responsible for these slips, but they -peeve the purpose of putting the courl in a good humor, and many an unlucky „e prisoner has a witness to thank for get- ; ting him off lightly. One -cif the very tiniest lads in the em- ploy of the Liverpool Globe Express -4 parcel' delivery concern—was a witness { recently in a police -court. His age was ee exactly fourteen, and his head scarcely a reached above the 'witness -box rail. "What is your name?" queried the f magistrate's, clerk. ' .. And the youngster replied With past .a tomb of icy hauteur: "Mister Jonas Hicks." The reply was so quaintly delivered by the diminutive child that the court was immediately convulsed. "And what is your occupation?" smiled the clerk. "My what?" said Mr. Hicks. • "Your occupation. What do you do for a living?" "Ohl Ian a nipper in the Globe Ex- press." prisoner is supposed to he laid a nose taalined to One side?" "I am." "And what, may I ask, makes you eel certain of that?" "Because I punched it there," said the witness quietly. 4 • • SENTENCE SERMONS. Ile finds no weal who. flees all woe, The Wariest may be the least Wise. wIlitsue,mighty. eaey, to mistake Venom or Righteousness is never better for tak- ing a rest. There can be rio finality to truth that comes to fallible "nen. The•wistioin from above will be known by its works below. You cannot measure a man's righte- ousness by his reticence, The polished Christian comes from the mills of adversity. He who lays out eaoh day with pray- er leaves it with praise. • The man who is too good for anything ie often good for nothing. A successful candidacy for heaven is more than learning to look like a corpse. The man who always has the sins of pootelteicre. stbefore hart puts his own in his The vices ofi. earth become dominant when we are deaf bo the voices from heaven. Men 'often think they love the sinner because they are too lazy to prosecute There's a good deal of difference be- tween social ' prominence, and personal cm thence. You are not likely to cheer the hearts cf others by looking down in the mouth. yourself. It is easy to . mistake the outer le- straints of society for the inner righte- ousness of the soul. Some men think that a pugnacious dis- position provides them with. all the piety they need. It's hard to steer a straight course when you keep your conscience in your pants pocket. he Tbest banks are in heaven; but the receiving tellers are likely to,be in some Lack alleys here. Many a preacher thinks that because he can express himself with ease he ought to be deadheaded through life. Every time that life seems wintry take it as evidence that the Gardener meant you for more than a summer squash. BACK TO OLD LIFE. Australian Natives Never Retain Habit; of the Whites. . In Western Nev South Wales and Western Queensland, Australia, black eboriginal stockmen are common. Many of the landholders have interested them selves in the training of the young borigmes, teaching many of them to aced and write, and bringing them up ide by side with the white children. The csult has not been very encouraging. ays a writer: ---"I have known several iistances where aboriginal babies of t .oth sexes were taken completely away rom their people and brought up in a -hite faintly. They are taught various ccomplislements, and spoke English list as well as the white youngsters. But nvariably, on the first opportunity, they relapsed into barbarism and soon 11 only trace of their upbringing that mained to them was their faultless En lish. One native girl whom I knew w kept in a refined white home until .s was 18; then, getting word of a nati camp a few miles away, she stole off it and when found she was sitting in aniamia,' (native hut), with her cloth all discarded and a possum rug wrappe round her. "Undoubtedly the hest black stockma that I ever knew fell away in -the sari fashion. He had been brought up fro a baby in a white family, and was nate lot his scrupulous cleanliness and da oyish care for his clothes. On horsebac he could hold his own easily with th hest men on the station. "I left the station just then, and r turning three years later, I pulled up i an old 'neiannia! to question the occi pants about the route. Beginning in th usual pigeon English, I was amaze when the half naked, dirty and unkemp native who was sitting in the ashes / e plied jn first-class English. ea's he voic seemed familiar I looked at him mor closely. 'Why. surely you'renot lacu ry ,from Yaloo?' The same man, boss he coolly replied. 'Soon after you lef I married a girl of my own color an tcok to the old life.' And he kept to et. ONE DROP OF WATER. , A man charged at Stratford with cruelly beating a donkey urged in ex- cuse a plea which might have found ',iweak spot in the breast of a teetotal magistrate. He declared that the de. pravity •of the donleey was responsible for the chaattsement1L got,. "IL druvi rue fair wild, your worship," he explained. "You see, it's a new don- key as I've got, an' it would stop at every blessed pub we come-tol," A burglar discovered by a policeman al the residence of a spinster lady, cre- ated considerable hilarity in court by his aersistence in the defence that he was aeally desperately in love with the lady laid they had armnged to be married, anly his visits had to be kept secret, as • air families objected most absurdly to o union. 110 persisted in this explana- 'on most solemnly, apparently quite noring the fact, lihat, without, the lady s dignant protestahons that there was ,a.ot a word of tenth in it, his looks were ao hideous that it was impossible to be- lieve. that anyone could lame regarded him as a prospective husband. THE BEST OF MOTIVES.' ii "What would any one of you have -done, gentlemen," demanded another prisoner, accused of burglary, "if you had been in my place?" . He had, he explained, been walking 'down a retired street in a Lorxdon sue bent very late on night, when he sud- denly smelt an alarming escape of gas. His nose led him to a certain house. The gas was certainly coming through the front -door keyhole. - "I raised my hand to knock, and then refleceed," he explained'. "It was a bit- terly cold night, and the people. inside were no doubt warm in bed, and pro- bably snatching their neected rest for the next day's labors. I hesitated' to . arouse theml" • .• • So he slipped back the.catch of a win- dow with a knife and entered—to see to the gas. In the kitchen he found an apple -tart on the tablet, which .he ate, with such alarmin,g results that he was abliged to look for brandy, Ile found n bottle of whisky instead, and that was how he was discovered asleep in an arm- chair in the morning by the servants. The )tart, was so bad, he declared, that it heel depriVed him of all power of ex - plan -tion till that moment in the dock, • That as why he had not put matters right before the magistrate. He ate no • mor•e arts for seven years. " n you convinced thp,t the man in dock is the person whom the prose- dution alleges hint to be,?" asked a de- fending cOunsel of a witness recently. "I am," was the reply, dellecred with a broad grin. "And what Makes yeti so Cierlain?" "Bemuse his nose is One-sided," was the onexpeeted reply, • "eand are yea sure that • time Man the COMMONS' POOREST MAN TUE TROUBLES OF AN ENGLISH LABOR MAN, A pritiSh M. P. on Less Than Twelve Dollars a Weeex—State Sheull Pay. Pity the pecuniary sorrows of the Leboernernber I There is even ono who the other day confided to a representa- tive of the London Daily Express that only a paltry fifty shillings a week saved hirn from the workhouse. This was Mr. John Ward, the hercu- lean, genial, and altogether °delightful menthe/. for Stoke-on-Trent, who secures the pittance of £2 10s, a week as secre- any of the NaVvies' Union. There was open to him wealth be- yond the dreams of avarice in the shape of £a00 a year allowed to members re- cognized by the Labor Representation Committee. But Mr. Wara dice not Oa together see eye to eye with this com- mittee in all its ideas, and 80 110 denied himself the affluence of, £200 a year. "I am the poorest man in the House,' he said yesterday. "I have a wife and four children, and with my brother, whe is a navvy, heve to aupport, my rnollier. And beyond the fifty shillings a week that I draw from the union I have no- thing to fall bac% on. NO TERRACE TEA FOR HIM. "Yes. If you like to put 11, so, this ls really an injustice. It is impossible Without great hardship fot a man to be a member of Parliament on this allow- ance, and maintain his position. "I am not going to give yea the de- tails of my expenditure. Numerous neonle have asked me how much I spend a week on food, and hove much a week goes on tram fares ao and from my home in Wandsworth. But these thrill- ing details I am going to give to the House of Commons firsthand myself. "Very soon theve will come up Mr dis- cussion the question of the payment of members, and about that I think I am more qualified than any one to speak. I shall be able to tell the Housa from my own personal experience what a struggle 11 18 for a man to keep up ap- pearances in th.e House of Conimons on £2 10s. a week. "There are what are called 'the amenities of the House.' Tea on the terrace? No, I am afraid that is not in- cluded. There will be no tea on the ter- race for me on flfty shillings a week." STATE SHOULD PAY. It, was here suggested to Mr. Ward that the ultimate goal of Socialism—up to the tenets of which Mr. Ward sub- scribes—ds a fix -ed minimum wage for everybody. At this the member for Stoke-on-Trent laughed. "That is an old-fashioned idea," he said. "What we maintain is that every man should earn what he is worth, and I am worth more to the nation as a mem- ber of Parliament than I should be if 'I were, say, loading wagons. • "Moreover, I ca.n see no reason why in my present capacity I should be be - le' holden to any particular body for my 'e- maintenance. I am doing the work of a- the State to the best of my ability, and a$ it is by the State I maintain I should no be paid." ve - to JOHN BURN'S SALARY. a There was a scene in the House recent- ly when Mr. -Claude Hay was howled d down for referring to Mr. John Burn's salary. n He asked Mr.a.13urns to say what was le to become of the 34,000 unemployed in na the London area who could not get • work under the Unemployed Committee, n- and brought into his speech a statement (printed. originally in the "Express") to e the effect that'Mr. kiln Burns accepted the salary of £2,000 a year, although he c" had prceviously said no man ought to have more than £500 a year. ." Withdraw !" shouted the _ Liberal ranks, "Withdraw!" echoed the Irish. 'Mr. Hay started to speak, but volleys " of "Withdraw!" mingled with hisses, drowned' his words, and for same min- e • utes there was an uprom. . Mr. John I3urns, in his reply, showed , how he earns his £2,000 a year. 't "Between midnight and lour a.m. I a have been down under the Waterloo a arch, and at the Meciland Hall, and at 'other places where the poor congregate, seeing bow their lot Might, be amelior- ated and their numbers reduced. ✓ "I daresay made the remark some y time ago that certain men- were not, worth, mare than £500 a year. I must ri have had. the hon. member in mind," - said Mr. Burns, and Mr. Claude Hay I joined in the general laughter. In a single drop of unfiltered wale May be seen in miniature the traged that goes on perpetually in the world n large, for in the little drop there is whole universe of life, with all its ter rible and death -dealing competition, witl all its mystery and woe. It was a French biologist -who invented the me tiled by which this wonderful state o things Ls demonstrated. are called the method the "hariging4rop slide," and i is beautifully simple. A drop of wale/ from the edge of an orclinary pond is pieced in a hollowed out space on a small 'strip of glass and sealed with a hit of thinner glass. And now clay after clay and night alter night the hide °us business going on in that one drop of perfectly clear, and apparently pure, wa- ter may he watched anrstudied at the leisure of the observer. The drop t f water is a world in itself. Multitudes of animals swim about in it with plenty of room. The giant worms, with tromenca (us swishing tolls, Of whose approach cne is made ttavare by the confusion and ranic of Um smaller create/tee scurrying out of the way in fear of their lives, and email:lees bacteria inhabit that drop as their. pormanoot and proper 'home and eir ranging place. . A NEW EXCUSE. I There was a man m Atlanta who once suspected a negro in his employ of ' tampering with theicontents of his wine - cellar, especially watt a certain brand of fine whieky. The employer decided to adopt, measures to verify his suspi- cions. He allowed the demijohn hold- ing his "private stock" to become emp- ty; then, instead of refitting it, he placea las pet brand in bottles, labelling each cirle"P01890."iDneeen trig, on returning home iinex- pectedly, he caught his servant "in llagrante delicto." Seizing the bottle from the clarky's learid, the Atlanta man exclaimed, in a tone of terror:— "Great Heavens, Sam! Do you Imoev what yeti have been doing? This bottle isT116arknearnk dg'Poit000n" Ibo bottle and s ur - veyed it closely. earteen he sniffed at la A melancholy smile flitted over his cl lI'''rkaYin(3'°t11)Inilizeentia,12..ecrt. ill)," Iic saidt dejected- ly. "rse been fooled again." ' "Fooled rignin?" repee fed the mester, incli an an el y " Wha t do you m cap ?" "Well, salt," continuer the clarky, in the some tone of depression., "it am dis way, 1 knowed from de fleet, from cle way you aeted dat demijohn, dat you had yo' auspishetris of ene; an' dat made rne feel pretty blue. I got dis- tressed, an' didn't care. Why, soh, fo' mos' two weeks now rse been triyin' 10 commit stlicide miter dat bottle." ' DID NOT ME,DDLE, have Made it a rule through life, ' he said at the lunch -table the other day to the man on hie left, "never to meddle evil h. another Man's busiziess." "Thaye righl—perfectly right" was the reply. . "But I see you have a new junior clerk," went, on the first speaker, "Yoe., sir—yes." "Ile's a bad ease. I've seen hint with bad ceMpanions, and rm Afraid his pat - ants have not taken the requisite Umount at troablo in training hini. I wouldn't trust him Ma of my sight with a three - limey bit. 'rook him out of charity, eh?", ' "Well, net altogether, you krlow. happens to be My eldest Sofa" ' In his early days Mr. luetin McCarthy' who 18 seVelety-flve years old, had ai great ambit ion to become a barrister. The first story he ever wrote Was cm - t red mend a hen/ named Parnell, „ TRADITIONS OF THE NAVY A MAN-O'WAR'S MAN TALKS ABOUT NAVAL NICKNAMES. Quaint Ceremonies and Customs l'etevail NoW as in the Time of Wooden Walls, In no sphere of life are traditions aud old CUSEO111S 11101'CI religiously observeil thee in the British Navy, To this day many a quaint eerernony or method, ()wing its origin to the period long be- fore ironelacls were seriouely thought about, is strictly adhered to without a question as to its adaptatality to tha modern regulations enforced in our "first line of defence." The British Navy is nothing if not conservative; at least, so long as conservatisnt does not inter- fere with efficiency. 11, is, however, of a progressive sort, if it may be so ex- pressed, Whoever saw an officer of any rank— er,. for that matter, a sailor—with a moudiache only? He either has a beard and moustache, or le clean-shaven, This is one of the customs that so dis- tinguishes the British Tar from his brothers of the other navies of the world. Then, again, how curious -'it is that an officer, when in "mufti," is almoat nine times out of ten ATTIRED ,IN A BLUE SUIT. There are a hundred anti one other practices governed, more 'or less, by tradition. The miaknames given to the holders of various posts aboard ship also reflect in a most striking mariner the honest good humor o.Lethe "handy - Man." To such an extent has the • custom grown that the Admiralty recently found it necessary to issue an order to oap- tains, instructing Mem to discourage the practice of nicknaming every Possi- aele and impossible man or article. The captain, whether inbe of a battle- ship or lorpecio-boat, is always spoken of as "Skipper," while the first lieuten- ant is "Number One' The paymaster, whose position is synonymous with cashier in commercial life, is appropriately known as "Gold - Dust," and the doctor. who, of course, holds a very important position on every ship, is facetiously described as "The Butcher." e The boatswain, with his whistle, im- mortalized by verse and song from the earliest days, is held in tender sentimen- tal estimation by every longshoreman, and that he should be familiarly known as "Pipes" among his comrades seems in the PROPER ORDER OF THINGS. His immediate assistant, the boatswain's mate, Who, as a rule with his next -of - kb, as it were, the chief boatswains mate, come in for more kicks than ha'. pence, are known respectively as "Buffer" and "Chief Buffer." "Blue Lights"—the name given to gun- ners—forms part of the kit of every rnan attached to this part of the Service. "Chippy" is the carpenter, and the sail - maker is "Sails." • a All men working by day, that is those who are not actually sailors in the gen- eral meaning of the word, and are not told off to do watch duties, such as ar- tisans, . carpenters, plumbers, and armorers, are called "Deymen." For- merly they were known as "idlers." A signalman is always eddressedear "Bunting," while it is sufficient when seeking the cooper to, ask for "Jimmy Bungs." Stokers go by the appropriate name of "Clinker Knotters," or "Dust- men," and the ship's steward is called "Pusser," while the ship's steward's boy enjoys the nickname of "Jack in the. Biscuit Dust." The mess is spoken of as the "cottage" or "house." Youths recruited from the numberless smaller,seaports round the coast .by the training -ships are sarcastically known as "Riggers," or "Boatswains," for al- though as a rule good sailors, having been fisherman or trawlers, they know nothing of the routine of his Majesty's Navy. Members of the famous corps cif Roy- al 'Marines.; a detachment of which serves on every ship, are known as "Leather Necks," or "Bullocks." „A drummer -boy is 'called "Sticks," and officers' servants "Flunkeys." Another curious fact is that, no mat- ter to what ship they may belong, men having 'such names as Clarke are al- ways called "Nobby," Bennett "Wiggy,' Walker "Hooky," Martin "Pincher," and so on through a long lisle—London Answers. •• FORCIBLE: ARGUMENT. The little man was expounding to his audience the benefits of physical cul- ture. "Three years ago," he said, "I was a miserable wreck. Now, what do you sappose hrouglet about this great change in me?" • "What change?" said a voice from the audience. There was a succession of loud smiles, and some persons- thought to see him collapse. But the little man was not to be put out. "Will the gentleman. who aslced, 'What change?' kindly step up here?" he asked, suavely. "I shall then be bet- ter able to explain. That's rigbt 1" Then, grabbing the wit ly gentleman by the neck : "When 1 first took up physical culture I could not even lift a little man; now (suiting the action to the word) I can throw one about like a bun- dle of rags," And, finally, he flung !he interrupter • half -a -dozen yards along the floor. "I trust, gentleman, that you will see the force of my argument„ find that 1 have not hurt this gentleman's feelings by my explanation." There were no more laterruptions, "115 WAS A TAIL." Foutiyear-old Daisy eciine; running in, crying breathlessly:— "Papa, I saw a snake as I caine down the lane!" "Did you?" asked her .fiether. "Did 1 " have a tail?" • ' "Ne," taid Daisy.' "He .was a tail." in • It eonletinnes happens that a,booka keeper's dOwn16,11 is due to his IteVing aeatfieidalla Met his balance. WELLS DIG THEMSELATES'LEADING MARKETS NATURE! HAS BEEN MADE. TO ASSIST TUE ENCaNEER. tirlaiVo tiGkactis " till/170s —Ibe 511a1:111inne:eir'' That ing Feats. The deepest hole Mat man has yet drilled in the crust of the email is an ar- tesian well near Reibillic, in Eastern Silesia,. By last accounts the drills were down nearly a mile and a half, and they were still boring. Next cOmes the mite - Sian well at Sehladaback, raid third is a11 oil well at Pittsburg, Pennsylvania, which is 5,582 feet, or just over a mile deep. At a depth of about three thousand feet in. the Pittsburg well a pooket of natural gas was tapped tit great pres- sure. Instead of letting it run to waste, the gas eves employed, and for the rest of the distance the well practically dug it8elf Nature also took a hand in that, big- gest of all modern feats of engineering —namely, the construction of the Simp- lon Tunnel, which is a hole bored through solid rock for a distance of fourteen miles. Most readers are aware that the difficulties which confronted the engineers of this record . tunnel were unprecedented. Springs of ABSOLUTELY BOILING WATER were met with in the heart of the moun- tain, and on the Italian side the heat became 'so terrine that is was impossible for the neen to work. Harnessing this tremendous flow, they made it drive blowers for forcing fresh, cool air into the tunnel. Not only this, but the sur- plus water was used for working pneu- matic drills, and 'so the mountain was made to provide for piercing itself. The Dutch, steady -going and stolid as they are, have performed many won- cierful engineering feats, especially in the way of reclaiming land from the sea. They have actually learnt to make their age -long enemy, the ocean, help in the work of regaining lost territory [remelts hungry maw. This is how they manage: Supposing a bay is to be emptied of water and its surface raised till it be- comes dry, a dam is first flung across its mouth. I3ut the dam is not built piecemeal. The workers prepare the whole foundation first, and then gradu- ally raise the dam upon it, keeping its beight uniform along its entire length. The result is that the tide, passing over, deposits sand o0 the inner or land side el the dam, while at the same time all the deposits of mud from land waters are caught. As the dam slowly rises so does the land within the intercepted area, and after a few years shows above the sur- face of the water. As soon as this hap- pens THE DAM IS COMPLETED and made strong enough to resent, any storm, however heavy. Surplus water is then pumped away, and the reclaimed area ditched and made ready for culti- vation. • 11 18 in this fashion that the Dutc hope to regainethe whole of that grea haat of country stolen by the ocean i the terrible storm of December 1411 1287, and now known as the Zuide Zee. Wind as well as water is force into their service, for the draining purnp are all driven by wind -mills. That brilliant American engineer, Eels was another svho forced the powers ef Nature into his service and made them perform a task which, had up till then earned human skill. Tho monstrous Mississippi carries down more silt than any other river in the world, with th result that while the largest vessels ea sail hundreds of miles -inland when once me its bread bosom, the mouths, of which there are many, are constantly silting up. Dredging and all sorts of expedients weEreetriedite vthaein. lasolved problem by runnin out two great walls, one from either bank, near the mouth of the principal channel. These walls did not cut across the current at right tingles, but sloped seawards in the shape of a 'capital V. THEY DID NOT QUITE MEET. fill EADSTIJFFS, Taranto, April 2.—Floilr---Unchanged, 83 bid, $3,05 asked for Ontario patertte in niiYars' bags for, exPort. Manitoba, first patents, $4,30 to $4,50; second pa- tents, 83.90 to $4.4 Wheat--Onlarto.--lefixed, 75c bid out- side, Wheat-a-Manitoaa—No. 1 northern, 82c asked, Point Edward, May siiipmenti No. 2 northern, 80e asieeci, Point Ed- ward, May shipment, Outs—No. 2 white offered at Zee North Bay, COUNTRY PRODUCE. Buttere—The demand for choice come tinues active. Creamery 25c to 26c cbo solgle . 23c to 24e Dairy lb. rolls, good to clmice. 18c; to 19c do large rolls 170 to 18e do medium 16c to 17e Cheese -14c for large and 14eac for twi Eggs -15%o to 160 for new laid and 13e for storage. Poultry—Turkeys, 15c to 16c; fat chickens, 11c to 12e; thin, 7c to ac; fat hens, 8c to 9c, thin 6c to 7c; ducks, 12e to 13c, thin, 6c to 7c; geese, 10e to 11e for choice small lots. Potatoes—Ontario, 650 to 75c per baa on track here, 75e to 85o out of ,store; eastern, 70c to 80c on track and 80e to - 90c out of store. Baled 1Iay—$8 per ton for No. 1 tim- othy and $5.50 to $6 for No. 2, car lots, on track here. Baled Straw—$5.50 to $6 per ton for car lots on track here. MONTREAL MARKETS. Mon I real, April 3.— Grain —The in- quiry for Manitoba wheat from foreign sources to -day was limited and cable inquiries showed no improvement. Oats—No. 2, 39e4c; No. 2, 38,aec; No. 4, 37eac. Peas -76c Lob. per bushel. Barley—Manitoba spring wheat pa- tents, $4.50 to $4.60; strong bakers', $4 to $4.10; winter wheat patents, $4.25 to $1.50; straight rollers, $4 to $4.10; do in bags, $1,7e to $1.85; extras, $1.65 to $1.75. Iviillfeed—Maratoba bran, in bags, $19 to $20; shorts, 820 to $21 per ton; On- tario bran, in bulk, $18.50 to $19.50; shorts, $20; milled mouille, $21 to $24; straight grain mouille, $25 to $27 per ton. Rolled Oats—Per bag; $.1.90 to $1.95 la car lots, $2 to $2.05 in srnall lots; corn- meal, $1.30 to $1.40 per bag. Hay—No. 1, $8 to $8.50; No. 2, $7 to 87.50; clover, mixed, $6 to $6.50, and pure clover. $6, Peas --Boiling, in carload lots, $1.10 to $1.15 per bushel. Potatoes—Per bag of SO les, 65c to 70c. Hauey—White clover, in comb, 13c to 14c per ib section; extract, Se to 96; buckwheat, 6Sac to 7c. Provisions—Heavy Canadian short cut pork, $21.50; light short out, $20; Amer- ican short cut. $20; American cut clear fat back. $20; compound lard, 7c to 74m; Canadian pure lard, Ileac to 11Yee; kettle rendered, 1234c to 12.iyec; hams, h 13e to 14e4c. according to size; break - t fast, bacon, 16c; Windsor bacon, 15c; 11 A narrow outlet was left at the point of the V, and the strong current, concentra. led in this narow space, was found to ecour the bed of the, river and keep a deep cphaatenrn 01,14 ndes as aoipme. M. an to have in- vented a boat which will go up the swiftest rivers by no others means than the application of the resistance and force of the current itself. Impossible as this may seem at first sight, it has a precedent, for a boat has been built which will sail dead into the eye of the Wind by the -aid of the wind itself. . This seeming paradox was acbieved by rigging a windmill upon the little vessel 8,nd using the power thus obtained to nclerrirv 11 t'0. 17an ingenious Germno. engineer, who bas also achieved another of these curious triumphs over nature. He has invented a buoy which is auto- matically lit by- wave action. It, would take too much spac0. to ex- plain here the whole mechanism of the 'mention, but the light is electric:al indls nature and is produced solely by the action of the waves. The greater the wind -power up to a certain point the rnore brilliant IS the light, and thus the storm whiele would destroy the sailor is made to warn him off the der/prime shoal. III'S TROUBLE. "What brought you here, my poor men?" inquired the prison visitor. "Well, lady,"' replied the prisoner, "1 guess my trouble started from attendee' too really eveddin's." "Ab l you learned to drink there, or steal, perhaps?" "No, lady: I eons always AIM bride- geoorn." WHAT NEXT? My deer," said Mr. Neersite, \,vatah. his little boy playing at bean bag the street, "what is that our Willie, is 1:gi9:6t:lOtmt thr 1d nt:nw ;trpi ied bbS wf, v(ii;8td;hadbbs mumps, faefistest and whooping eatigh,' try fresh -killed abattoir dressed hogs, $9.75 to $10; country dressed, $8.75 to $9.25; alive, $7.50 to $7.75 for selects. - Cheese—No change in the local situa- tion, business being quiet and prices steady at 13c to 13yee. Butter—Unchanged; choice creamery selling al 22e to 22Me in arlaoIesale lots, and about aSc higher for single pack- ages; undergrades, 19yec to 21e; dairy bullets tmchanged. Eggs—About steady at 1.6aac to 17c, though same dealers were quoting as high as 17eSc again this morning. The demand continues fairly active. No new features of interest. BUFFALO MARKET. Buffalo, April 31 Flour—Steady. Wheat—Spring dull; Na. 1 Northern, ' 83Xc carloads; Winter, light enquiry, Na. 2 red, 82e. Carri-aFirren No. 2 yel- low, 50g,c; No. 2 corn, 49iyee. Oats— Steady; No. 2 \\tile. 35alee. Barley— Firm; Western, in store. 4710 52c. Rye —Dull; No. 1, quoted 70c. NEW YORK WHEAT aheRKE'T. New York, April 3.—Wheat--Spot easy; No. 2 red, 84e‘c elevator; No. 2 red, 873(e nominal f.o.b. afloat; No. Northern, Duluth, 87e/m f.o.b. afloat. CATTLE MARKET. Toronto, April 3.—By reason of the exceeding good demand for butchers', the prices of exporters' did not fall off greatly at the Western Market to -day as a result of the caneelaaion of the sailing of a cattle stenmer. Prices of good butchers' held firm, while com- mon to medium were easier. The light creliVeries of sheep and lambs produced an increase of 10 to 20c. The market for hogs was steady and unchanged. Exporters ware in quieter demand than Wtittl. The prices were $4.40 to $5 per cwt. 13utobers' cattle of fair to good quali- ties rtiet with a good market. Best butchers' heifers. sold at $4.75 10 $4.90, with an odd sale at 85. Good butchers* were Worth $4.35 to $4.70; medium, 84 10 84.25; medium cows and mixed loads, " 83 to 83:50; heavy cows, 83.50 to $4.25 per cwt., Short -keep feeders were ill improved demend. Prices were firrn at $4,25 to $4.60. Feeders, 1,050 to 1,150 les, were worth $3.85 to $4.20, Stock calves sold at $3 to $3.50 par cwt. Trade was active in sheep and Iambs. A limited number of Spring bombe sold at $3.50 to 87.50 each, Grain -fed lambs were strong at $6.75 to $7„50; export mes, $5.25 to $5.75 per cevt. There was a call for calves. Quota- tions ranged tram 811,50 to $6.50 per cevt, • MISNQMER. Mos. Jones --"I Until( itce tlee most; ridb outous thing to can that man in tho bank a teller," • Mrs. Johnson—"Vvily?" Mts. Ionee—"Beeause he simply won't -tell at all. I asked one lo -clay how mutat my husband had on deposit !beret and he ettet laughed."