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PAGE 28. THE CITIZEN, THURSDAY, DECEMBER 7, 2006.
Coping with grief at Christmas a personal journey
Editor's note: This is the first
in a series of stories on grief
By Bonnie Gropp
The Citizen
Grief is a personal journey. Every
person copes in a unique and
individual way. Recovery takes the
time it takes and there is no right or
wrong way of getting there.
Yet for all who grieve the holiday
season can be an especially difficult
time. Kathy Procter, a grief
counsellor with Huron Hospice, said
that a common question of the
bereaved is "How can I get through
the holidays?".
And true to any other aspect of
grief, there is no single answer.
"One important guiding principle
is to do what .feels comfortable for
you," said Procter, who teaches a 10-
week grief recovery course meant to
be a tool to help people learn to deal
with losses. "Grief is difficult any
time of year, but Christmas is the
time when all of the things that
affect you stick their heads out."
Pauleen and John Kerkhof of
Brussels are only too well aware of
that. On June 22, 2004 their son
Joseph, then 14 was killed in a freak
mishap. '
-For months after, they grieved but
coped with the support of family,
friends, community and their faith.
Then the holiday season approached.
"Christmas was so tough," said
Pauleen.
Procter advises that it's not
uncommon to feel out of sorts during
the celebratory season. "The
ANNA FRENCH
Anna French, a former nurse who
grew up in rural Ontario, emigrated
to the United States and assisted her
husband in operating a Detroit
electrical contracting business, died
of heart failure Nov. 15, 2006 at
Sunrise Assisted Living in
Rochester, Mich. She was 94.
The former Anna Beadle was born
in 1912 in Auburn, Ontario, the
heart of Ontario farm country. She
left high school .at 17 to earn her
nursing diploma at Stratford
General Hospital in Stratford,
Ontario.
. At the beginning of the
Depression, with nursing jobs
'scarce in Canada, she moved to
Detroit, where she .worked as a
nurse at Jennings Hospital on
Jefferson,Avenue.
In Detroit, she met Beverly
French, another Ontario native, and
married him in 1940. Mrs. French
helped her husband develop French
Electric Co., at Harper and
Chalmers in Detroit, from its
founding in 1947 until it was sold in
1990. Mr. French died in1980.
The family lived on Detroit's
Eastside and later on the lake in St.
Clair Shores before Mr. French's
death. Later, Mrs. French moved to
Sunrise.
Mrs. French donated money and
artifacts to the fundraising branch of
the Detroit Historical Society. She
was a founding regent of the Susan
Constant Chapter of the Daughters
of the British Empire in St. Clair
Shores. When that chapter was
additional stress may affect you
emotionally, cognitively and
physically. It's normal. Be prepared
for that."
The Kerkhofs found themselves
running on automatic pilot. "We had
Pauleen's mother living with us and
she loved Christmas. We had do
have it."
The frustration of dealing with the
season resulted in John buying Santa
hats and insisting his family wear
them, even to church. "We were
going to have Christmas."
Pauleen recalls excessive buying,
picking up gift items without any
real thought. "I just knew I had to:-do
it, so I'd see something and pick it
up."
"You should have seen the tree,"
said John. "She had doubles of
things."
"I think somewhere I thought that
there would be so few presents,
without those to Joseph and
from him, that I had to make up for
it,"
Procter said the bereaved must
recognize that the holiday won't be
the same. "Doing things a bit
differently can acknowledge that
change while preserving continuity
with the past."
Different menus and decorations
may provide that slight but
significant shift.
Procter also suggests attending a
special service such as a memorial
tree lighting or a Blue Christmas
service. "However, be aware that
your feelings are still there. If you
decide on a change be careful not to
isolate yourself."
disbanded, she joined the St.
Lawrence Seaway Chapter of the
DBE, of which she was an emerita
member. The chapters, under Mrs.
French's guidance, provided
financial support f to the British
Home in Brookfield, Ill., one of four
DBE homes for older persons in the
U.S.
Mrs. French was also an active
member of the Engineering Society
of Detroit's Engineers' Wives.
Mrs. French was an avid reader
and storyteller. In her storytelling,
she had an ability to play the roles of
the people in her tales. In a recorded
oral history interview in 1979, she
talked about the introduction of
"hydro" — electricity — in Ontario
when she was a teenager, the
Victrola record player, Brownie
camera and telephone party lines.
Television and commercial aviation,
she noted, were introduced in her
lifetime.
But as a nurse, she was most
impressed. with the developments in
medicine, including organ
transplants and new life-saving
medicines. "I've had • a
determination to better myself, and I
hope I've succeeded," she said.
Mrs. French is survived by a son,
James B. French, of Rochester; a
daughter, Margaret French Bowler,
of Baltimore, MD; three
grandchildren, Stephen Bowler,
Kristin Hubbard, Kimberly Deo,
and seven great-grandchildren and a
sister, Rita Brown, of Goderich.
Visitation was held at 11 a.m.
Tuesday, Nov. 21 at Cadillac
Meaningful rituals can also help.
"Invite others to join in with you, but
if they choose not to that's okay too."
One ritual that helped the
Kerkhofs that first Christmas was
suggested by a friend. "We sent out
cards because Mom and John
insisted, and asked people to send us
a letter back if they had any stories to
share about Joseph."
The family received 18 letters and
these were placed in Joseph's
stocking and read on Christmas
morning. "That saved us. We were
crying, but laughing too," said
Pauleen.
"It took the pressure off," added
John. "He was our focus."
The Kerkhofs agree that there is
no right or wrong way to approach
grief. "There is no step-by-step. The
process is whatever decision is right
for you."
Last year the family went south for
the holiday.
"We baled," said John. "We
planned the trip and didn't tell the
girls. They were so surprised."
"We just had to do something
different," said Pauleen. We needed
something to look forward to, to
plan."
Procter said that the holiday
season does get easier to handle
through time. "The person has to
find the new normal. They find a
new way to be the person they are.
They are re-learning a new way to
live this life with the loss they've
experienced."
Three Chrismtases later the
holiday is still a tradition that looms
unwelcomed for the Kerkhofs,
Memorial Gardens East, 38425
Garfield Road at 17th, Clinton Twp.,
followed by a service and-burial in
Cadillac Gardens.
The family asks that donations be
made to the Ball's Cemetery,
Auburn.
however. ".We really aren't excited
about Christmas anymore," said
Pauleen.
But both parents acknowledge that
they have two other children who
need to have the holiday re-affirmed.
Procter said that children often
grieve in "fits and starts. They can be
very freeing in how they grieve.
Don't be afraid to let them see tears.
Don't fake feelings in front of
children at Christmas. Be real.
Celebrate the life of the person
who's gone. Share what you
remember."
Most importantly, include children
in what's happening.
"If you can talk as a family or a
group how to celebrate the life of
a, lost one, that's a gift," said
Procter. She suggests for example,
that traditions may be changed so
that there are new ones, new
beginnings.
"It's so much about who you're
working with and who's part of it.
You need to decide what you have to
do that day. Give yourself
permission to do what is right for
you."
One thing Procter said she has
learned through her work, is that
often the anticipation of Christmas
or any special occasion is worse than
the actual day. "Just remember, you
don't have to force yourself into
something you don't want to do.
There are no right answers."
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