The Citizen, 2006-05-25, Page 5THE CITIZEN, THURSDAY, MAY 25, 2006. PAGE 5.
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A loaf of bread, a jug of wine and ...
The lust for comfort. That stealthy thing
that enters the house as a guest, and then
becomes a host, and then a master
— Kahlil Gibran
There was a Golden Age when the needs
of humankind were specific and few.
Breathable air, clean water, a few
turnips in the larder and a woolen blanket on
the bed.
It wasn't enough, of course. It never is for
humankind.
Enough for what? For everything, really.
Warmer blankets on the bed. Designer water
by Evian and a Hardee's Monster Thickburger
with 1420 calories and 107 grams of fat —
more than your average Somali family would
see in a week.
Did you want fries with that?
We live in an age of wretched excess, folks.
Did you ever think you'd see a time when
consumers would cheerfully lash out a couple
of hundred bucks for a pair of running shoes?
Fifty dollars for a short-back-and-sides from
the barber? Four bucks for a Starbucks coffee?
It gets worse. Herewith a six-pack of
products on the market you'd have to be nuts
to crave, much less pay for.
Number one: the jigsaw puzzle alarm clock.
This is a beauty for all those masochists on
your Christmas list. It's a timepiece that
doesn't merely jangle at 7. a.m. — it explodes
like an Afghanistani IED, spraying pieces of a
jigsaw puzzle all over your bedroom.
The kicker is — you have to assemble the
jigsaw puzzle before the alarm will shut off!
Isn't that FUN? Crawling around half-awake
among the dust-bunnies under the bed in the
pre-dawn gloom looking for shards of a jigsaw
while the alarm howls like a banshee in the
Anybody can be premier of Ontario
as long as he is white, male and
Anglo.
Just look at the names of the 24 men; there
has never been a woman; who have led the
province since Confederation in 1867:
Macdonald, Blake, Mowat, Hardy, Ross,
Whitney, Hearst, Drury, Ferguson, Henry,
Hepburn, Conant, Nixon, Drew, Kennedy,
Frost, Robarts, Davis, Miller, Peterson, Rae,
Harris, Eves and McGuinty.
This may sound a list of members of the
Monarchist League, but even they have more
ethnic diversity.
Ontario has had no premiers of French,
German. Italian or Chinese origin, the next
largest ethnic groups, conjuring up visions of a
steady diet of tea and crumpets with a cigar on
the side in the suite where premiers lunch,
with their TVs turned on to cricket.
This. monopolizing of the premier's post is
rarely mentioned, but some MPPs deplored it
when they discussed a proposal the province
maintain the gravesites of former premiers,
some of which need repairs.
New Democrat Peter Kormos said he had no
qualms about marking the former premiers'
resting places to help Ontarians understand
their history, but they were all very white, very
male and very Anglo types and he would not
stay around to vote.
Kormos said Ontario should do more to
recognize real people who get up at 5 a.m.,
often after being awake with a sick child, and
rush out in blizzards to work hard to make a
better life for their children and receive no
acclaim.
Another New Democrat, Rosario Marchese, -
said the province should recognize immigrants
whose professional qualifications are not
accepted and work at two or three jobs to
survive.
This dominance of white male Anglos as
background?
I can think of at least one giftee I'd lc, re to
send the Jigsaw Alarm Clock to, but I'm not
sure that in his current circumstances Saddam
can accept gifts from the outside.
Number two: Poop Freeze. Sorry, this one's
for pet owners only — and owners of
incontinent pets at that. It's an aerosol freeze
spray which, the manufacturers claim, forms
"a frosty film on dog or cat poop to harden the
surface for easy pickup".
Flash-frozen Rover scat! Whee! Be the first
on your block, etc. WWW.poop-freeze.com.
Bring along your five-iron and you've got a
whole new recreational diversion — the Poop
`n Putt Invitational.
Speaking of instruments of mass distraction,
do you own a Swiss Army Knife? You do?
Well, trade it in because it's obsolete.
I don't care if it's got the tweezers, the
pincers, the magnifying glass, the fish scaler
AND the corkscrew with the eyeglass-
screwdriver attachment — it's Totally
Yesterday, I tell you.
What you need is the all-new Swissbeat. It's
a knife with all the usual Swiss Army
accoutrements (blade, nail file, scissors) — plus
an MP3 player, an FM radio and a voice
recorder. Not to mention a remote control
browser, high quality earphones and a memory
premier continues, although men and women
of other ethnic origins have broken through to
top posts in most fields including business,
• education, medicine and law.
One reason is those who are not white male
Anglos lack interest in getting elected
proportionate to their numbers, often because
they are too busy earning a living and/or
running a home.
Those who show interest often have to run in
ridings where they have no chance of winning.
Parties do not encourage them enough to run
and rarely choose other than white male
Anglos to lead them.
The only party to pick a woman leader was
the Liberals who chose Lyn McLeod. She had
the misfortune to face far right Conservative
Mike Harris at his most popular in 1995.
Nearly half-a-century ago — you have to go
back a long way to find examples — the
Liberals chose a leader with a German name,
John Wintermeyer, but he never made it to
premier.
An outstanding Francophone MPP, Albert
Roy, as recently as the 1970s ran for Liberal
leader and had to fight whispers his ethnic
background would hurt the party by reminding
emotionally "fellow Liberals, I am a
Canadian," but still was turned down.
Candidates of Italian origin ran third in the
two most recent Liberal leadership contests
and one, Greg Sorbara, said his advisers told
him Ontario was not ready to elect an Italian-
capable of storing up to 250 songs.
Not so much a jack knife as a home
entertainment centre — on your belt. No charge
for the hernia.
But hey, all this frenetic activity can wear a
body down. You look like you're ready for a
tall, cold one. How about a beer — a very
special beer? You're in luck. Both Labatt and
Molson are about to launch brand new brewskis
that kick the slats out of traditional beers.
We all know that beer makes you drowsy, fat
and stupid, right? Not any more. This New
Beer from Labatt and Molson is chock-full
of...caffeine. That's right — with the New
Beer, you can be jumpy, fat and stupid!
And , if the beer doesn't give you a big
enough buzz, shuck off your clothes, hop in
the shower and lather yourself up with Shower
Shock. It's an all-vegetable-based glycerine
bar soap that's been steeped in caffeine.
The manufacturers claim that soaping up
with Shower Shock will allow teensy-weensy
molecules of caffeine to be absorbed by your
skin. You may go into the shower as a dozy,
somnolent sluggard, but a few minutes with
Shower Shock and you'll tear back that
shower curtain to face the world like a
hyperventilating (albeit naked) Ninja warrior.
Before your shower (and especially if
you've had a Caffienabeer or two) you might
want to crayon the local EMO Cardiac Arrest
Unit phone number on your bathroom mirror,.
just as a precaution.
Ah, Brave New World. Where all a chap
needs is a stereo pocket knife, an aerosol can
of poop-freeze, one cold beer and a hot shower
designed to make you nervous.
Excuse me. I'm going to check the larder for
turnips.
Canadian premier.
The three major parties have chosen Jewish
leaders, the NDP in Stephen Lewis, whose
father emigrated from eastern Europe, the
Liberals with Stuart Smith and Conservatives
with Larry Grossman.
But none made it to premier, partly becauSe
they led in difficult times for their parties,
although Bob Rae, the only NDP premier, has
part-Jewish ancestry.
No politician from a visible minority has led
a major party, although several have been
elected and made some progress since the
1960s, when the first black MPP, Leonard
Braithwaite, was heckled by Conservatives
chanting "watermelons."
A white male Anglo still will be premier
after the 2007 election, because Liberal
Premier Dalton McGuinty's rivals will be
Conservative John Tory, very much a scion of
Toronto's Anglo establishment, and New
Democrat Howard Hampton.
In a province with such a variety of people,
politicians should be explaining why the top
job always goes to a privileged few.
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Bonnie
Gropp
The short of it
Happy in this skin we've all heard it— you can never go
back. My big question is why
anyone would think they'd want to.
It was my high school reunion recently, an
occasion I anticipated with a mixture of
curiosity and dread. Mostly the latter, truth be
told. I could break into a cold sweat just
thinking about it.
The funny thing is I'm not sure why. High
school was perhaps not the best time in my
life, but it was far from my worst. I had a great
circle of close friends and that circle expanded
to draw in a number of acquaintances. This
included the ones that a smile and a 'Hi' pretty
much covered it, but also included those with
whom I might not have hung out on a regular
basis, but could if I wanted.
Guys? Well, there was certainly room in my
black book, but I don't think I'd say I was a
wallflower either.
No, I had my share of good times at school
and even enjoyed some of the classes.
But there were always those people, whether
intentionally or not, who somehow managed to
appear superior. Every school has them, the
golden ones. No one knows why they're
special, but people are drawn to them
nonetheless. Caught in the crossfire of that
attitude, charm or whatever has blessed them,
one needs a lot Of confidence to keep self-
esteem intact.
Yes, well, confidence never being my strong
suit, I realized a long time ago that I felt better
not being around these people. Unfortunately,
I knew that this reunion would have the
potential of reversing the outcome of daily
affirmation. "Sweetie," I told my husbanc;,
only half-jokingly, "one evening in the
company of those_ girls will undo decades of
serious ego building."
Well, it wasn't quite that bad, obviously. I
did enjoy seeing some faces I hadn't seen in
decades.
But those other girls are still there. It's not
that they're necessarily more attractive than
others, or smarter or richer; yet we are
somehow convinced they are. And, at times
things didn't seem to have changed on this
night as they stood in the centre of the room,
holding court, outwardly oozing confidence.
But I'm a lot older now. And while my
eyesight may not be what it used to be I
discovered I do see things a little more
objectively than as an insecure adolescent.
Then, as I struggled with a variety of issues,
the typical teenage angst as well as some less
typical troubles, it never crossed my mind that
perhaps those golden lives weren't as rich as
they seemed. We are all living in the same
uncertain world. No one comes through this
life unscathed. ,We experience grief, pain,
dissatisfaction and loneliness. We have the
capacity to be hurt by another person. Even the
most confident will have moments when they
are frightened and unsure.
Everyone has their secrets. We don't know
what hides behind a smile or what pain it
might be covering. There is no way of fully
understanding how a person truly feels, not
without living in their skin.
And that's not going to happen, even if it
could because there's no other skin I want to
be in. That was the best part of my reunion,
reminding myself, yet again that it didn't
matter how golden someone's life may be,
because I'm happy with my own.
Top job goes to privileged few