The Citizen, 2004-04-08, Page 5Final Thought
It is the dull man who is always sure and the
sure man who is always dull.
— Henry Louis Meneken
THE CITIZEN, THURSDAY, APRIL 8, 2004. PAGE 5 .
Other Views
What were they thinking?
O nlv two things ore infinite. The
universe and human stupidity. And I'm
not sure about the former:
- Albert Einstein
We come now to one of my favourite human
categories: Dumb Moves, or What Were They
Thinking? What, for instance, was that 28-
year-old woman from Houston, Texas thinking
as she tootled along in her cherry-red SUV
near Blaine. Washington last month?
Well. actually. we know what she was
thinking. She thought she was on her way to
Vancouver, Washington. She was half right.
She was headed for Vancouver, for sure, but
the other one. Vancouver, B.C., 400 kms. to the
north.
Our intrepid voyager steadfastly ignores all
tell-tale clues such as signs reading "This Way
to the Mounties", "Border Crossing Ahead"
and "Last Chance to Change Greenbacks into
Funny Money". She pulls up to the Canada
Customs booth and smiles serenely at the
attendant.
Ignoring, no doubt, her order of an Egg
McMuffin with fries, the Canada Customs
agent asks her to pull over to a search bay for
a security check. That's where officials open
her glove compartment and find ...
A live hand grenade. The border crossing at
Blaine, Washington goes into total, full-terror-
alert lockdown for one hour.
Now we don't know that the woman actually
placed the hand grenade in the glove
compartment, but somebody - her husband? A
trick or treater? John Ashcroft? - did.
And my question is: what were they
thinking?
Premier Dalton McGuinty is being
advised to hold on to his sense of
humour, which seems like warning the
guy in the dentist's chair to remember to smile.
Bob Rae, who had his share of concerns as
New Democrat premier for five years, was
asked if he had any tips for the Liberal
premier, also having worries, and
_ recommended he 'keep his sense of humour.'
McGuinty in opposition was the party leader
with the readiest wit in recent years, but this
has vanished since he won an election.
This was not the way it was supposed to be.
McGuinty became premier after his party had
been in opposition 13 frustrating years and on
his second and likely last try, so his win should
have brought him huge relief and enjoyment.
But he has found little to smile about in
government, particularly because the
Progressive Conservatives left him a large
deficit and inability to pay for many election
promises, and he spends much of his time
lamenting he is in a deep hole.
As opposition leader, McGuinty took such
shots at the confrontational Tory premier Mike
Harris as saying the only partners he wants are
sparring partners.
McGuinty poked fun at Harris's fondness for
golf, saying his idea of long-term planning was
booking a tee-off time.
He said Harris spent so much time golfing in
the citrus fruit state of Florida he was starting
to look like an orange past its best-before date
and out of juice, like his government.
McGuinty claimed Pizza Pizza had a better
system for delivering pizza than Harris had for
delivering medicare.
McGuinty also joked at Harris's Tory
successor as premier, Ernie Eves, protesting
Eves was "blaming me for pretty much
everything and soon he will announce I am the
cause of premature baldness."
Harris despite his legendary dourness had
What, for that matter, was Dale Robin Hersh
of Franklin Lakes, New Jersey thinking when
he arrived at Sao Paolo airport on an
international flight from the states recently?
When he was told that new Brazilian customs
procedures required him to be fingerprinted
and photographed - just as all Brazilian
citizens must be when entering the U.S. -
Mister Hersh snarled, said some bad words,
glowered at the camera and held up his
identification card for the photographer.
As well as his middle finger, conspicuously
extended.
If Mister Hersh had been a mob Capo, a
Hell's Angel or a defenceman for the New
Jersey Devils, one might understand his Cro-
Magnon intemperance. But Mister Hersh is a
pilot with American Airlines. He knows the
airport drill better than most.
And he not only knowingly committed a
jailable offence - he provided photographic
evidence of the commission of the crime!
What was he thinking?
As it turned out he didn't do all jail time, but
he did have to fork over a $12,750 U.S. fine for
showing contempt to authorities.
Very witty, Mister Hersh.
Speaking of rigid digits, you know those
moments of humour. He said the TV program
60 Minutes considered inviting McGuinty to
talk about his platform, but wondered how it
would fill in the other 59 minutes.
Harris said McGuinty's Liberals are the
Caramilk bar of politics because they have a
soft, squishy centre that is a big mystery, but
his humour sounded more contrived in back
rooms.
Eves had a neat reply when he said
McGuinty would raise taxes and "he's not up
to the job of premier, but he's got what it takes
to take what you've got."
Premiers usually consider it an asset to have
a sense_of humour and two even quarreled over
who had the better.
The long-serving Tory premier William
Davis inflicted lame jokes such as saying, after
part of a budget inadvertently became public "I
am always concerned about leaks, although
my primary concern is cabbages."
David Peterson, then Liberal opposition
leader and later premier, complained Davis's
sense of humour was deteriorating and
embarrassing the province.
impossibly dumb Spam ads you get from time
to time offering penis enlargement pills - the
ads that nobody could ever be stupid enough to
fall for?
WIRED magazine did a little survey and
found one on-line purveyor who had taken
orders from six .... THOUSAND customers.
They paid an average of $100 for two small
bottles of bogus tablets. Only works for
Pinocchio, guys ...
And since we're down in the nether regions,
I'd like to offer a special What Were They
Thinking Commemorative Plaque to the folks
at the B.C. College of Physicians and
Surgeons. A urologist with the college was
quoted in my morning paper recently as to how
doctors are "re-examining issues surrounding
the procedure of circumcision".
Seems the medical community is
considering the radical hypothesis that
circumcising baby boys might ... hurt.
"I did circumcisions as an intern - the kid
screamed for a bit, you put a soother in his
mouth and that was it," said the doctor. But that
was 40 years ago, when parents were routinely
told that infants couldn't feel pain. Now, the
urologist says he feels terrible. "We now know
that circumcision is far from painless for the
infant. The evidence is now overwhelming that
circumcision is extremely painful."
1-Immm. A razor-sharp scalpel sawing away
at the genitals of a newborn infant ...
Painful, you say? Astounding.
Why did you think the infants screamed,
doctor?
What were you thinking?
Davis retorted he did not expect an objective
evaluation of his sense of
have
from his
opponent, "but at least I have one, which most
days he does not."
This battle of wits was adjourned after
Peterson insisted Davis's jokes were feeble
and Davis replied "they are better than yours."
Premiers mostly have found it harder to
show a sense of humour when the going 'got
tough. But Rae became Ontario's first NDP
premier when tax revenues were falling and he
had many stored-up proMises to keep.
He sighed he felt "like the kid who has been
given the keys to the family car and discovered
it's an Edsel" (the notorious lemon auto.)
Rae also recalled wryly "I told my wife I
wanted to be premier in the very worst way,
but this wasn't exactly what I had in mind."
Peterson lost government and his seat, but
still quipped "I left politics for health reasons.
People were sick of me."
McGuinty has nowhere near as many
problems as these two predecessors and he
should be able to manage an occasional smile
— it has helped him before.
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Give your best
4, Darned if you do, darned if you don't.
Typically in life we are faced with
questions that need answered, dramas
that need action. And it's not always easy to
know what is the right thing to do in certain
situations.
You learn that an old friend you haven't
taken the time to visit in years is dying. Does
seeing her now make her feel better — or
you? Tragedy strikes someone you know.
What can you do to help? An acquaintance
has made an embarrassing mistake. Do you
tell them or wait and see if they discover it on
their own?
I've always been envious of those people
who let their heart lead when it comes to
responding to situations or crises. They seem
to know instinctively what the right response
is, what to offer, what will bring a positive
reaction no matter what they encounter.
I, instead, spend so much time procras-
tinating that I'm last to act, sometimes even
too late.
Recently a friend came to me to ask for
advice. She had been presented with a unique
situation and wondered how best to handle it.
It was not a particularly touchy problem, but
in this day and age even the most sincere
action can bring a negative result.
The approach to resolving her dilemma was
typical of me. My Libran tendencies took hold
and I weighed the pros and cons, giving far
more magnitude to the issue than it required. I
considered worst-case scenarios. A list of
checks and balances were put in place. What
could possibly happen if she followed what
my head suggested? What would be the
response if she went with the heart?
In the end, she wisely chose her own path,
one in keeping with the type of person she is,
someone whose warmth and sense of fun will
hold offense at ba}.
And I realized that perhaps what makes
action appropriate to a situation is simply
responding naturally. Typically, someone
making an effort is doing so the best way they
can. And the best method for one is not
necessarily the best for another. For example,
when a tragedy occurs there are those
remarkable people whose presence will
blanket those affected with comfort. They
have the right words and the right timing.
They don't second guess themselves but have
an innate sensibility for appropriate action.
I cannot walk into the same situation and
pretend I know the words to say. Or for that
matter that I should. The harder I would try to
affect that sort of comfort, the more awkward
it would appear.
One has to recognize, therefore, not just
one's limitations, but also strengths when
faced with sensitive issues. I know that I am
not a person of action. I am unsettled and
nervous in crowds, uncomfortable in formal
surroundings. I tread cautiously in emotional
situations, being wary of any misstep. It
sometimes takes me awhile to realize what I
could have done or might have said.
All that said, I am not without my better
points. I have been told that I am a good
listener. I believe I'm a compassionate person
and when spontaneity is not required I can be
effective.
None of this makes me special. It just makes
me, me.
Each person handles things in their own
way. Accept what that way is and follow your
instincts. Don't try to act as others would. The
best you can be when needed is to give the
best you have.
McGuinty losing his sense of humour