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The Citizen, 2002-08-21, Page 5THE CITIZEN, WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 21, 2002. PAGE 5. Other Views Don't fall into Mel's hole 1 f you suffer from the twin afflictions I of insomnia and radio addiction, chances are you know Art Bell. He runs a late-night, call-in radio show out of California that you can tune into pretty well anywhere in North America if you can find the signal. To say that Art caters to the weird and offbeat would be understating it. The thing that makes his show unique is that the word 'skeptic' is not in his vocabulary. He will take calls from anyone about anything and will pass no judgement whatsoever. Spotted a UFO? Art's all ears. Been kidnapped by a UFO? You're on the air. caller. Been kidnapped by a UFO piloted by giant Venusian lizards that took you to the centre of the earth where the aliens turn captured humans into sex slaves? Art will ask you for all the gory details. Needless to say, Art's got a corner on the North American Nutbar market. He's also got regular callers. One of them is a fellow named Mel Waters. Maybe. No one actually knows where Mel lives, or if he even exists, but somebody who calls himself Mel Waters phones in to the show a lot. That's when the talk turns from giant subterranean lizards and two-headed moose fetuses to Mel's Hole. - The hole is so named because it exists, allegedly, on land once owned by Mel Waters in bush country outside the small town of Ellensburg, Washington. According to local legend, what makes the hole special is that it is, well, bottomless. People have thrown rocks in and never heard them hit bottom. How far Premier Ernie Eves will go to win an election is the biggest question in Ontario politics and he looks more and more as if he is ready to get rid of the family jewels. The new Progressive Conservative premier has shifted toward the centre and away from the policies of his predecessor, Mike Harris, by acts including postponing announced tax cuts, cancelling some planned privatizing and speaking civilly to labor unions. Eves has now said he does not oppose marriages between people of the same sex and his government is considering bringing back photo radar to catch speeding drivers. This is like Karl Marx renouncing Das Kapital, Tiger Woods saying he never cared much for golf or Napoleon retreating from Moscow. Eves' Tories have signified even their most fundamental beliefs are not sacred. When the Ontario Superior Court ruled the practice of refusing same-sex couples the right to marry violates the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms, 'Eves accepted it without quibbling. Eves said he has no objection to same-sex couples marrying, explaining: 'If two people decide they want to be in union, why should I interfere with that?' The premier said he would not appeal the decision and leave that issue to the federal goVernment, which has jurisdictipn over the law saying who is eligible to get married. This is a giant reversal because the Tories, particularly under Harris, when Eves was second-in-command, long battled against The hole has also been, folks say, the repository for old refrigerators, dead cows and ,other various and sundry kinds of flotsam and jetsam. It swallows them whole without a trace. Chatting with Art Bell, the Man Who Calls Himself Mel Waters claimed he once lowered 80,000 feet of weighted fishing line without hitting bottom. Not surprisingly, Mel's Hole is being invested with supernatural capabilities. One man swears that he threw a dead dog in the hole one day and saw it romping around in the woods the next. Others are convinced the hole has magical powers to cure human ailments like migraines and arthritis. The most popular theory is that Mel's Hole is a portal to a parallel universe (probably how those giant Venusian lizards got in). There's just one tiny problem with Mel's Hole. No one can find it. You'd think a hole that was used as a neighbourhood dump for generations would be easy to spot, but no, collective amnesia seems to have settled over the Washington boonies. No one can quite remember where Mel's Hole is. And Mel? Well, he won't say. In his calls to the Art Bell show, Mel claims that "soldiers in yellow gear showed up one day, told Mel that it would be a good idea to (a) sell the property containing the hole to the rights for gays, especially when it could help them win elections. Harris exploited the issue to win a notorious by-election in 1994 which gave him his first step to power. Liberal leader Lyn McLeod had urged the New Democrat government to change the law to provide family and survivor benefits to same-sex couples. The Liberals were far ahead in by-election polls, but Harris ran advertisements claiming their first priority was taking care of homosexual couples instead of creating badly-needed jobs. Enough - voters swallowed this and the Liberals collapsed. The NDP later brought in legislation that would have given same-Sex couples even more rights including full rights to adopt children. Harris was uncompromisingly against it and the Liberals were scared to support it and seen as flip-floppers, which made some contribUtion to Harris's winning his first general election. When the Supreme Court of Canada ruled in 1999 Ontario was violating the Charter by not giving its same-sex 'couples the same rights as couples of opposite sexes living together under common law, and ordered it to do so, Harris retorted defiantly same-sex U.S. government ASAP and (b) move to, oh, how about Australia, even quicker. Otherwise, Mel claimed, they promised to "find" an illegal drug lab on his land and throw him in the slammer indefinitely. Mel says he took the payoff and split, but that his ahem, conscience won't let him remain silent any longer. There are several gaps in the Mel's Hole paranormal theory, each of them just slightly smaller than Mel's Hole itself. For one thing, the geology of the area. It's what they call volcanic lahar, brittle and unstable. You don't find many caves in such rock - certainly not deep ones. For another thing, Mel's statement about lowering 80,000 feet of weighted fishing line into the hole without hitting bottom. Folks, that is getting on for 16 MILES of paid-out line. Never mind the sheer, mind-boggling logistics of unreeling anything that huge and cumbersome in the middle of the bush — a geologist with the state Department of Natural Resources says the heat of the earth would burn or melt a fishing line long before it got that deep. None of which deters the Mel's Hole conspiracy theorists for a nanosecond. For them, The Truth Is Down There. If nobody can find Mel's Hole, then that's because secret agents of the U.S. government must have covered it with a concrete pad and camouflaged the entire area. What do I think? Well, I've never seen Mel's Hole. Never even met a Mel's Hole believer, but I hope to someday. You see, I own the rights to the CN Tower and I've been looking for a buyer.... couples were not his definition of a family. Harris insisted "my family is Janet and I and our two great kids," which seemed a ringing defence of family values, until a couple of months later he split from his wife. Harris also made it clear he was passing the required legislation against his will by giving it a title stating it had been forced on him by the court, and not a single Tory MPP spoke in favour of it. Public Safety Minister Bob Runciman says he is considering re-introducing photo radar in some areas to catch drivers who increasingly are racing and causing accidents and deaths. Harris shut down the NDP's photo radar system, which used cameras in moving, unmarked police vehicles, only nine days after taking office, which showed the high priority he placed on it. Harris , and his Tories argued it was an infringement of drivers' rights, Big Brother peering over residents' shoulders, totalitarianism and creeping socialism. Harris claimed photo radar was not a safety measure, but merely a means through which the NDP, always anxious to spend, could extract more money from already over-taxed residents. • Harris promised he would make roads safer by having so many police cars patrolling them they would deter speedsters, but they never materialized. The Tories made halting photo radar a symbol of how they were stopping government from interfering in residents' lives and, if they can go into reverse gear on 'this one, they can backtrack on almost anything. 444_ Bonnie Gropp The short of it Glad to grow older As we move into the last weeks of August, it's difficult not to notice how swiftly the summer's twdilight is approaching. It has been, particularly for sun worshipper,,, a glorious season of clear days perfect for soaking up the heat. But whether it was the slow start or the way enjoyment hastens the tick tock of the clock, we are now amazed to find ourselves suddenly contemplating back- to-school shopping. And while there may still be many days stretching between now and the first day of school, the unofficial end to summer, those of us willing to admit it know it will be here before we know it. I tend to find this time of year bittersweet. Though sad to see summer fade, autumn in our household is a period of much celebration beginning with my birthday - again bittersweet. It's nice to be the centre of attention for a day, but it does mean I'm getting older. Asked about growing older, movie stars, whose dollars. I'm certain, help ease the transition,' spin a tale about wisdom gained and nothing to prove. Being 40, 50, 60 are the best years of their lives, they say. . I can see the possibilities, yet tired feet, an aching back and creaking knees sometimes dim the gleam of those golden years a little bit. Yet, while growing older can be a pain, I have never doubted for a minute that I want to do so. - There are days when tired and drained I recall the energy and vitality of youth. There are times when Considering the steady disintegration of my physique and deterioration of my physiognomy I envy the the taut and tirm. But, only for a time. When I consider whether I would cant to be young again, my honest answer would he no. With maturity thefe does come a wisdom. an acceptance and knowledge of the workings of the world. We may not know or understand it all, but we have learned how to cope. We may not have the energy to experience some things, but we have the common sense to know it. We may not be as good at some things as we once were, but we're better at many more. As for the outward hallmarks of aging, what the heck, let's wear them proudly. We did not come by these lines and wrinkles without trying. They came to us through our joys, through our families and our children, through laughter, through tears. They are the signs of living a life. They are as much a part of us as the history that helped put them there. It's not always easy to face the fact that we're growing older. Yet, if we think about it, there are, as with any stage, benefits, one of particular significance. A recent discussion with friends led to talk of a young man with whom the majority of us had been acquainted. Handsome, with a good job, loving wife and family, he appeared to have it all. Why, we asked of one who knew him better, did he feel compelled to risk it all by having an affair. Apparently a fear of growing up. becoming' middle-aged had driven this otherwise good husband and father to adultery and that answer so many years later was bitter in its irony. For at the age of 34. a tragic car crash took his life. "He never wanted to get old," his friend had explained. It would seem, sadly, he got his wish. How far will he go to win?