The Citizen, 1998-12-16, Page 5THE CITIZEN, WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 16, 1998. PAGE 5.
Celebrities as jerks
Those whom the Gods would
destroy they first make famous
Anon
What is it about being famous, anyway? I
don't mean famous like the mayor of
Kelowna, goalie on the Junior "A" team or
editor of the local paper.
I mean really famous.
Like an international rock star, a member
of the Royal family or a world-renOwned
fashion model.
Most of us will never know. We plug our
way through life weathering our personal
peaks and troughs, trying not to cause anyone
else too much grief in the process.
We get ahead by getting along with most
of the people we meet on the way.
Civility is the 10W40 that makes it happen.
We try to be decent to one another.
Unless we're famous. For celebrities, the
rules don't seem to apply.
Stars are allowed to act like jerks. In fact, it
Seems, stars are SUPPOSED to act like jerks.
ITEM: Singer Alanis Morisette swans into
a night club in Boston where she is to sing
that night. First move: she orders the entire
club staff off the premises while she and her
crew carry out a sound check.
They stand in the street for two hours until
Alanis Et Al are satisfied that the venue is up
to their standards.
Letter to the Prime
Minister.
The Rt. Hon. Jean Chretien
Prime Minister of Canada
Ottawa, Ontario
Canada
Dear Mr. Chretien,
We, as representatives of the Czech
Republic, are writing to protest the activities
of one of your economists sent here to assist
in our development of a market economy.
This man has been creating discord among
our citizens and businessmen by his
outrageous statements, and we wish you to
use your influence to bring this to a halt.
. To begin with, you will recall that our
country won the Olympic hockey
championship last winter. Is that not enough
to prove our superiority?
Yet this man continues to claim that
Canada still produces the finest hockey
players in the world. What sort of heresy is
that?
Among his other preposterous statements
is one that the United Nations has declared
five years in a row that Canada is the best
country in the world to live in. How can this
be so?
If we are to believe the letters-to-the:
editors in your newspapers, especially in
Ontario, your country seems to be on a par
with Albania or Afghanistan, and going to
hell in a handbasket.
He is also deluding people by informing
them that your federal police ride horses, you
consult groundhogs to determine the weather,
and some of your places have names like
ITEM: Naomi Campbell, internationally
famous fashion model, is sued by her
personal secretary, who alleges Campbell
"verbally abused her, hit her on the head
several times with a telephone, grabbed and
punched her, threatened to have her deported
and slashed her clothing."
You think this is just a case of little people
who have suddenly become big and can't
handle it?
A sad example of no-class nouveau riche?
Au contraire the vieuxriche are no
classier. Consider the case of Salwa Qahanti,
daughter of a king in the Saudi royal family.
Princess Salwa was recently fined and put on
probation for scratching and choking a flight
attendant on a Trans World Airways flight
from Paris to Boston.
Seems like there's something about air
travel that brings out the nuclear moron in
some celebrities. Liam and Noel Gallagher,
stars of the group Oasis, will not be flying
with Cathay Pacific for the rest of their
natural lives.
They earned themselves a lifetime ban for
their drunken and rowdy behaviour aboard a
Cathay Pacific 747 flying from Hong Kong
to Australia.
And Ian Brown, former lead singer with
the group Stone Roses, went to the slammer
for four months -- for threatening to cut off
the hands of a stewardess aboard a British
Airways flight.
Hard to figure — these clowns have got
Moose Taw, Medicine Hat, Come by Chance
and Iqualuit. This is surely a joke.
He informed some of our bankers that if
honesty didn't exist, they would have to
invent it. Admittedly, our banks rival
Indonesian's when it comes to dud loans, and
all Of them are losing money in great
quantities.
With all these problems, surely now is not
the time to bring up a little thing like
honesty.
He is frightening our students. In one of his
lectures, he warned them that if they thought
they had seen competition, wait until the
Czech Republic had joined the European
Union and the Germans and French were let
loose on them.
We ask you, Mr. Prime Minister, is this the
way to talk to impressionable, young
students? Why must they be told so early in
their university careers that when they join
the work force, they will have to concentrate
on such things as quality, good service and
competitive pricing? They would much
rather be out in a pub, drinking our fine
Czech beer (better than yours, by the way).
He has even come down on our national
food — the dumpling. Just because he has had
to eat them 75-times in less than four months
is no reason for him to get tired of them.
Czechs have been eating them for decades.
He professes a liking for such unheard of
things such as back bacon, cheddar cheese,
apple pie a la mode, Birchermuesli, Roesti
potatoes and other alleged delights. Surely
they are all products of a deluded mind!
He has even -dragged in the Swiss, claiming
that the holes in their cheese are caused by
the Swiss army's using the cheese for target
practice. Everyone here knows that some
millions of dollars, thousands of fans and
dozens of groupies, yet they behave like
baboons in a saloon on Free Beer Night.
And then there's Reuben Pardo, of Los
Angeles.
Chances are very good that you've never
heard of, or run into, Reuben Pardo. If you
have, you must have been hanging around
the Wiltshire Tower building in downtown
Los Angeles. That's where Reuben spends
his working days, 11 hours at a time, five
days a week.
What does Reuben do there? Well, he
hands out philosophy, for one thing. He tells
visitors nuggets such as, "Don't think
anything negative about your job. Just
concentrate."
A fashion designer by the name of Susan
Parr claims Reuben Pardo changed her life.
"He'll take you up and down," she says.
"When you hit the bottom floor, he tells you,
from here, the choice is up to you."
Urs Bauer, a California filmmaker, recalls
"I was full of questions about my career ...
then I met Reuben. He's spent all these years
in the same box, and yet he has that perfect
inner peace we're all searching for."
That's the other thing Reuben Pardo does —
he operates the elevator in the Wiltshire
Tower. He's been doing it for 20 years.
Perhaps one day — if Naomi, Alanis, the
Gallagher brothers and Princess Salwa ever
grow up — Reuben will let them ride in his
elevator.
functionary named William Tell is
authorized to put holes in the cheese with his
bow and arrows.
As for the Swiss having an army —
preposterous! Their army consists of -the
Vatican Guard.
In an interview with the local press, this
man suggeSted that all gypsies coming to
Canada spend, their first five years in the
Arctic as apprentices to Inuit. Such
statements do nothing but frighten the
gypsies off at a time when we want them to
emigrate. What are a mere 300,000 gypsies
in a country as large as Canada?
Finally, have you heard his Czech? It is
anything but perfect!
We assume that you speak both your
national languages beautifully, and you must
shudder at the thought of one of your
countrymen speaking less than perfect
Czech.
Mr. Prime Minister, we implore you to
bring this man home before he does any
more damage. We have heard that he plans to
introduce such statements as "there is no free
lunch" or "you have to bite the bullet" or
even "Czechs have to work both harder and
smarter". This is even more revolutionary
than anything we suffered under
Communism.
Please, Mr. Chretien, act at once!
Yours faithfully,
A group of concerned Czech citizens.
A Final Thought
To obtain a man's opinion of you, make
him mad.
— Oliver Wendell Holmes
The
Short
of it
By Bonnie Gropp
Reflections of the season
Every job has its nice aspects and one of
mine is that it allows me to meet and spend
time with many interesting or special people.
Experience has shown that people come in
many flavours and in this work, we do, with
some frequency, get a taste of the bitter. This
is, however, balanced by the sweet and the
spicy. From seniors to ordinary folk, there
are examples that impress you with
incredible talent or kindness or even with
their simplicity.
But of all the moments spent at work out
of the office, I have discovered there is one
group that consistently lightens my life, for a
brief time each season. Little gives me more
amusement, more satisfaction and 'warm
fuzzies' time and again, year after year, then
the local elementary school Christmas
pageants. They are always a delight to
watch.
It's interesting perhaps, that even as a child
my memories of these festive extravaganzas
are of the voyeuristic variety. I cannot recall
one moment on stage, but rather in the
audience before or after my class's
presentation. One of the most vivid
recollections was as a Grade 4 student seeing
the Grade 8s perform A Christmas Carol. I
remember watching these older students
whom I had seen every day in the halls and
schoolyards and feeling the kind of awe
typically reserved for the Streeps and De
Niros of this world. Even" performed in
public school the Dickens classic was
spellbinding.
In later years, I came to know the actors
even better, but was no less impressed. As
every parent, I watched and waited for my
kid's appearance on stage. And as every
parent, I couldn't be more proud as in my
eyes they took their role, whether mouse,
man or something more divine, and gave it a
star turn.
Yet, though those times are now well past
for me, my enjoyment has dimmed only
slightly.
Certainly, covering the happenings at six
elementary schools means that, pleasure
aside, I have no desire to attend all of them.
But, I can't imagine not seeing at least one
each year. There is nothing more
captivating, nor as simply entertaining, as
children at Christmas. And when they decide
to put on a show there's no one better able to
get your attention.
The productions are perfectly flawed.
Miscues and misquotes, the impish, the
fidgety, seldom detract but rather enhance
the entertainment value. Typically, Our staff
walk into the auditorium, camera in hand,
aware that we will probably use about five
or six pictures from each concert. With such
picture-perfect subjects this can be
accomplished surprisingly swiftly, so we
needn't stay until the end. However, once
there, the images of the kazillion things I
have to do back at the office, tend to get a
little fuzzy, while the innocence weaves its
magic and I stay to watch.
And watch and watch.
After all, they give something special to
those of us too busy dashing from work to
social engagements to work to always
remember. 'Tis the season of hope and joy,
and nothing reflects it better than the look on
a child's face at Christmas.
Arthur Black
International Scene