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The Citizen, 1999-09-29, Page 5Arthur Black Spam, spam, thank you ma’am! There are some truly wonderful, mouth­ watering, belly-craving things that we humans can put in our mouths: roast pheasant under glass, fresh-caught pickerel from a northern lake, canard a l’orange, a medium-rare Alberta sirloin, venison, caribou, Canadian salmon - BC or Atlantic.... And then there’s Spam. Pink, oleaginous glop in a can. Comprised of pork shoulder, evil-looking gelatin and various better-imagined-than-identified pig whatsits. Spam definitely ain’t pretty, but it’s hardy, and it’s been around since the Dirty Thirties. And to paraphrase Jerry Garcia, what a strange, weird trip it’s been. Weird dishes for starters. Chefs have whomped up Spam cheesecakes, Spam muffins, Spam fruit cocktail, Spam mincemeat truffle candies, and even (shudder) Spam ice cream. International Scene Agriculture minister speaks with forked tongue Somebody should take Lyle Vanclief, the federal agriculture minister aside and tell him that farmers are not as stupid as he apparently thinks they are. That is, if his latest pronouncements are any indication of the policies he is going to follow at the next round of negotiations at the World Trade Organization. Mr. Vanclief, newly promoted to the cabinet post, apparently felt he had to make a public pronouncement to show how tough he was. He therefore affirmed that he wanted to put agriculture front and centre at the above mentioned round, which presumably means that he is going to be strongly in favour of cutting down the high protective walls, both tariff and non-tariff, which still surround many of the products being produced on farms. Then, pausing for a deep breath, he stated he would fight to the last farmer to protect marketing boards for such things as wheat, fowl, eggs and dairy products. To under this “firm” resolve, he will ask for no concessions nor will he give any. Maybe he thought nobody was listening and he could roar like a lion; it felt so good he made it louder and bolder. Maybe, too, he had a talk with the Polish farm minister who is trying to protect all the marginal farmers in his country, and with just about the same chance of success. Perhaps I am missing something or is all this just political double talk? I wonder if Mr. Vanclief has ever been to one of the bargaining sessions of the WTO or its \ \ Some Spam users have been even more creative. Back during World War II, Allied fighting forces (who were forced to choke down enough Spam to justify an appearance before a War Crimes Tribunal) discovered a whole range of new, non-culinary uses for Spam. Grunts used it to grease their rifles, waterproof their boots - they even carved it into thin slabs and used the resulting Spam wafers as playing cards! Artists have taken to Spam too. There are Spam paintings, Spam sculptures - even Spam crossword puzzles. And if you check the Internet, you can find 18 websites and approximately 13,000 poems dedicated to the ‘miracle meat’. Example? A Spam haiku (or Spamku): perfection uncanned like a beautiful redhead fresh from her trailer Why this global nuttiness over a very mediocre luncheon meat? I blame Monty Python. Back in the 70s, the British comedy team performed a skit which involved John Cleese as a waiter serving in a toney restaurant where predecessor, the GATT. If not, he had better be prepared for a rude awakening. There is no way that he is going to be able to pursue both goals and have any chance of success. He should note that sitting across at the table from him will be the Americans and the European Union. The Americans are obstreperous about everything these days and they have a strong farm lobby. The EU is wedded to farm protection and their farmers are nothing if not well protected these days. They can’t even agree among themselves to reduce internal barriers. What are they going to do with Mr. Vanclief? Well, eat him for lunch, for one thing! You can be sure that the Americans will bend over backwards to get the marketing boards in Canada eliminated or emasculated. When you have tariffs as high as 200 per cent on some agriculture products, it is enough to make any foreign supplier scream and we all know what screaming does in the United States, not to mention other places. Frankly, I am not sure how these protective walls were maintained in the talks leading up to the NAFTA agreement but sooner or later they are going to go the way of the Berlin Wall. The WTO has already served notice that things like the marketing boards (and the auto pact, too, by the way) are going to have to go. If they don’t go entirely, they will be greatly reduced. Mr. Vanclief should read history, especially that part where King Canute of England tried A Final Thought It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. - Theodore Roosevelt everything, but everything was served with Spam. No matter what you ordered, it came with Spam — culminating in what Cleese portentously announced as “lobster thermidor aux crevettes with a momay sauce garnished with truffle pate, brandy, fried egg on top - and Spam’’. Whatever the draw, Spam continues to sell like hotcakes world-wide - better than hotcakes. Americans bought 90 million cans of the stuff last year - and gourmets in Japan bought 50 million. Yep, you read right - gourmets. The Japanese and Koreans consider Spam to be a real delicacy, paying upwards of $70 U.S. per can. The Hawaiians like to mix it in with their sushi. Well, if you can’t beat 'em, join ‘em, I say. I’m off this weekend to a Spam carving contest in Seattle. Well, I’m going for the music, too. They’ve got a torch singer as a headliner. Can’t wait to hear her sing her signature tune. Her name? Uh, Spammy Wynette, I think. to tell the tide to stop coming in. There is an object lesson here for the agriculture minister. The lesson would be better learned sooner rather than later. You can’t play marbles and keep all yours. Letters Letters to the editor are a forum for public opinion and comment. The views expressed do not necessarily reflect those of this publication. THE EDITOR, We are hoping to have a reunion of all former students of the Clinton School of Commerce on the Civic Holiday Weekend, Aug. 4, 5, 6 and 7, 2000 as part of our Clinton Homecoming 125 celebration. The school opened in 1914 and closed in 1957. It was owned and operated by Misses B.F. Ward and M.A. Stone. We would appreciate any names and addresses of students, articles and items pertaining to this school. We plan to have a get together during the weekend - details to be forthcoming at a later date. We would appreciate anyone with any information about the above to contact us by December 1999 or pass this information along to anyone who might be interested. Clinton Homecoming 125 School of Commerce Committee Box 1505 Clinton, Ontario N0M 1L0 Website: www.town.clinton.on.ca THE CITIZEN, WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 29, 1999. PAGE 5. The Short of it By Bonnie Gropp Set an example There's a description I once heard regarding the difference between cats and dogs that I quite enjoy. It's rather visual, so I would have to ask you to use your imagination somewhat for full effect, but it goes essentially like this. The cat, in elegant repose, notices through the window from her perch on the back of the couch, the return of her master. Casually she stretches, aloof, but aware, thinking, "It’s about time he got here. Maybe I can get some food now." Conversely, the dog, lying on the floor, hears the master's car pull into the drive. The adoring pooch, springs to his feet beginning a light-hearted gambol, tail wagging. His thoughts? "Oh, boy, oh, boy. He's home. He's home." I don't mean to insult cats or those who love them, but I have had both felines and canines and my personal observation is that generally for unadulterated, unconditional, companionship you can count on a mutt. And I happen to think those animal spirits must rub off a bit on the humans in the house, as well. Ani's arrival at our home has forced this virtual hermit out onto the street Possessing an energy level equal to Speedy Gonzales on amphetamines, Ani takes me for daily walks, during which I have noticed an interesting phenomenon — dog people are friendly people. They have a big smile on their face when they meet you. It's like being a member of a fan club. But I suspect there's more to it than a common interest or the fact that dogs are so dam cute. While all pets have their specialty, dogs when it comes down to it are multi­ purpose. What other animal offers so much? First, few would argue that a dog is a loyal friend. Tell a pooch a secret and it goes nowhere. If you are sad they seem to instinctively know that you need them. When I can't convince anyone else in the house to accompany me somewhere, I know I have a companion in Ani. Dogs protect home and family, warning away intruders, sensing danger early. I recall hearing once that if your dog doesn't like your daughter's date don't let her go out. (Considering that our family pup during my teens detested the man who would eventually become my ex-husband, I have to consider this might be accurate.) Dogs are workers. Well, not mine, but there are those who fetch slippers and newspapers, pull sleds, herd sheep, find drugs or track down bad guys. Finally, and most importantly, dogs are good for your health. There is the exercise, and believe me, walking Ani is as good a workout as anything you can pay a fortune for in a gym. There is the fact that owning a pet takes your mind off you. It's always good to have someone else's need to consider. But it has also been proven that simply petting a dog, or any animal to be fair, will lower your blood pressure and heart rate. Their presence relieves stress and depression.