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The Citizen, 1997-09-17, Page 5THE CITIZEN, WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 17, 1997. PAGE 5. Arthur Black Dumb lawyer jokes Well, I suppose it was only a matter of time: there is now an entire website devoted exclusively to Canadian lawyers. Actually, this may be an honour the lawyers would rather live without. This website is the brain child of Torontonian John Styles. And he is no fan of lawyers. Over the past decade, he’s spent tens of thousands of dollars fighting skirmishes with the legal profession. He started the website as a kind of legal Better Business Bureau, separating the saints from the shysters. Anybody with access to a computer can visit the website (http://www.canlaw.com) and find out if a specific lawyer has been the subject of a complaint "We're trying to provide a service to both the legal profession, which refuses to do its own housecleaning, and to the world at large," says Styles. The man has a point. Lawyers are notoriously reluctant to air their own dirty laundry. Last year in Ontario alone, there were nearly 5,000 complaints registered with the Law Society of Upper Canada. The Law Society - self-styled watchdog of the legal profession in Ontario - bestirred itself to act on exactly 160 of By Raymond Canon Personal debt I was recently reading a report on consumer debt in the United States and the situation there struck a chord; it seems that American consumers, like their Canadian counterparts, are declaring bankruptcy in record numbers. Each year over a million American find themselves in the position of having to resort to the bankruptcy courts in order to get out from underneath their debt load. The current rate is about 30 per cent over what it was in 1995 and a disturbing 44 per cent over 1994. Not only are Canadians and Americans getting into debt over their heads, they are doing it for the same reasons. During the last decade consumer debt has been hitting record after record, with the chief culprit being credit cards. Small wonder when the average interest rate on these cards is about 16 per cent, with the highest being about 30 per cent. When you don't have enough cash, it is so easy to use a credit card and worry about the paying later. Interest rates on these cards have come down slightly during the past two years but they are still loo high, especially for those people whose income is hardly able to sustain any debt, let alone debt at usurious rates of interest. Yet managing one's personal finances is something that is studied very little with the result that, while a consumer may have them - and then issued only a slap on the wrist more often than not. Will John Styles' website change the common perception of lawyers as pond scum in pin stripes? Probably not - but the Dumb Lawyer jokes going around may help to vent some of that public spleen. These are examples of less-than-stirring performances by courtroom lawyers who began speaking before their brains were in gear. To wit: LAWYER: Now Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. LAWYER: And by whose death was it terminated?♦** LAWYER: What was your relationship with the plaintiff? WITNESS: She is my daughter. LAWYER: And was she your daughter on February 13, 1987?♦♦♦ LAWYER: Do you know how many months pregnant you are now? . DEFENDANT: I will be three months Nov. 8. LAWYER: Apparently then, the date of conception was Aug. 8? DEFENDANT: Yes. LAWYER: And what were you and your husband doing at that time? a rough idea how much money is coming in, he or she really hasn't a clue how much goes out or even where it is going. One ploy which the Americans have discovered is practiced by students. They take out a government-sponsored loan to pay for their university education. At the same time they apply (and get) one or more credit cards. They then use the cash advances offered by the card to pay off their student loan after which they declare bankruptcy saying that they cannot pay off the outstanding balances on their credit card.. The American courts that handle such matters have decided that there are too many dubious claims for bankruptcy and they are therefore considering a "needs based" bankruptcy system in which bankrupt borrowers would be relieved of debt only (and this is the operative word) to the extent judged necessary by the bankruptcy court. In short, it will likely be harder for the consumer to get out from any onerous debt load if there is an indication that such debt could have been avoided. Consumers in both the United Stales and Canada have reflected their government's tendency to go into debt in order to reach or maintain a specific standard of living. At the same time as both our governments are heavily in debt, in spite of all the brave talk about fiscal rectitude, so are consumers. Governments have one method of handling debt that consumers most assuredly do not; they can print money where as we get thrown in jail for doing LAWYER: Doctor Davis, as a coroner, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of my autopsies have been performed on dead people. To be fair, lawyers might be forgiven for the odd mental lapse. They're not always dealing with brain surgeons on the stand: LAWYER: Mrs. Wilson, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? DEFENDANT: No. This is how I dress when I go to work. ♦** LAWYER: And lastly, Gary, all your responses to my questions must be oral, O.K? Now what school do you go to? • DEFENDANT: Oral. LAWYER: How old are you? DEFENDANT: Oral. *** LAWYER: Ms Delacourt, would you describe yourself as sexually active? DEFENDANT: No. I just lie there. Nope, lawyers don't have it easy. As the humourist Roy Blount Junior once wrote: Lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives." You can say what you will about lawyers, but when it comes to money ... you've gotta hand it to them. the same thing. Many people are able to handle this debt, if only barely but, as I said at the beginning of the article, if anyone gets out of a job or even finds their salary downgraded, the debt becomes intolerable and hence a trip to bankruptcy court turns into a literal, not a figurative move. There is one mitigating factor. At the same lime that consumers are running up record levels of debt, they are also running up record levels of investment in mutual funds. While you need never pay any lax on much or all of this investment, it does stand as a bit of a hedge if you do get badly into debt; you can simply deregister it, pay the tax and use the rest to run down your debt to more manageable levels. It would, however, be better if you could keep it until you retire and use it to supplement what other pension money you may have. Which leads us finally to another sobering realization. Not only have the Canadian and American governments gone badly into debt, they have made a hash of providing pension money in the quantities needed. Many people on both sides of the border are coming belatedly to the realization that providing for their prosperity in their senior years is in their own hands. A Final Thought Success is getting up just one more time than you fall down. Like pulling teeth It was one of those most dreaded times — a trip to the dentist. And as I sat back, my numb mouth held cavernously wide, while rubber-gloved hands gripping tools, performed tasks too nauseating to comprehend, my one clear thought was, "This would be so much better if I could just read a book." I don't remember a time in my life when salvation from life's less pleasant aspects couldn't be found in a good book. A creative child with a freakish imagination, I often found comfort from night's haunting darkness in the pages of a book. Through my years these storytellers have been my friends in times of loneliness and cheap entertainment in times of penny pinching. A recent back-to-school feature on getting your children to read stressed that the world of reading is a wonderful one, full of magic and learning. And as a somewhat uninspired high school student, whose knowledge has come primarily through her love of books, I would tend to agree. For this reason alone, I have wanted to instill my passion for reading in my children. I followed all the experts' rules and even a few of my own. At times I read to them aloud (only when I was alone in the house, mind you) while they were yet in utero. Later, books, newspapers, and magazines were always in evidence. I read stories to my children, with my children and beside my children while they read. They received books on special occasions and had a special place for them. In addition to books of their own, I encouraged them to visit a library from time to time and during a visit to the mall, the book shop was always a stop, even if only for browsing. Given all this, I never doubted that my four kids would discover the same pleasures from reading that 1 have. After all, I had followed all the advice. It has never been a case of do as I say, but do as I do. Yet, despite all my efforts, and those of my husband, whose preference runs to newspapers and magazines, our success rale is only 75 per cent. We have one child who would prefer puzzling over logarithms, then finding out what happens to boys without civilization in Lord of the Flies. For that matter, he'd probably rather gel a tooth filled than discover what excitement lurks in The Shining's topiary. We have picked books for him and let him select his own. We have scheduled some time each day, during which he must read. I wouldn't say it has been a battle, as I seem to detect a certain grudging respect for the arguments on both sides, but headway is slow. First he tries charm, then evasion, then finally obdurance to get out of it. It's not that he struggles with reading, he just doesn't seem to see the joy. Study after study has shown that reading aloud is the most important thing a parent can do to help their child succeed in school. And children who read to themselves for pleasure are the ones who do best of all. So unfortunately for him, while I don't want this to be something he's forced to do, I intend to keep encouraging him to read. We will talk about what he likes and what he doesn't. And though it may at first be a bit like pulling teeth, I believe he will soon see the wisdom.