The Citizen, 1996-10-16, Page 5THE CITIZEN, WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 16, 1996 PAGE 5.
Fishing with vaseline
There are more things under heaven
and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt
of in your philosophy.
Hamlet Act X, Scene X
Indeed there are Horatio, old buddy. And
if Shakespeare thought life was complicated
in the 16th century, what would he make of
a typical working day circa 1996?
If the Bard of Avon was around today he'd
have a few chores to take care of before he
dipped his goose quill in the ink pot.
He'd want to check his Voice Mail of
course, to see if there were any messages
from the Palace.
He'd probably grab the TV remote and
flick through a few channels to see if there
might be an old Lawrence Olivier movie on.
Perhaps he'd fire up a cup of Java in the
microwave, call his agent on the cell phone
or download the latest Stephen King novel
on his computer to see if there was anything
worth scalping.
Chances are Shakespeare would never get
around to dipping that goose quill in the ink
pot at all.
It' not just machines that make modem life
complicated — there's government
gobbledygook as well. In Shakespeare's time
Somalia still a mess
The word Somalia comes up time and time
again in the Canadian press, but it is
normally just in reference to the hearings
taking place in Ottawa regarding the
behaviour to military forces engaged in
peacekeeping duties in that country.
Actually what is taking place in Somalia
after the departure of the U.N. forces makes
interesting, if at times depressing, reading;
the U.N. left the country in a mess and it is
still that way.
One name that might ring a bell in the
minds of some readers is that of Gen.
Muhammad Aideed. He was one of the most
powerful, some would say the most
powerful, warlord in Somalia. His actions
took on a slightly Canadian tinge when it
was discovered that one of his wives
(Muslims are still allowed up to four) was
living in London, Ontario and was receiving
welfare payments, although Aideed was
anything but poor. She took periodic trips
(first class air fare) back to her homeland to
be with her husband on certain occasions
and needless to say her welfare payments
soon disappeared.
However, Gen Aideed proved that he, too,
was mortal when he was killed last summer
in one of the numerous feuds which take
place in Mogadishu, the capital. News of his
death led many to believe that this might
provide the political breakthrough needed to
create some form of stability. However, this
hope was dashed with the promotion of
Aideed's son as leader of his father's faction.
The son did not calm emotions by making
there was no such thing as income tax. My
Revenue Canada form runs to 49 pages —
and that's just the explanatory brochure. If
the Bytown bureaucrats had been running
the show in Elizabethan England,
Shakespeare would never have written King
Lear. He'd have been too busy figuring out
whether he was eligible for a subsidiary
cost-of-living stipend as a contributing
revenue generator under sub-section 4.
I hail from an age when wristwatches only
had one button on them, bicycles had a
single gear, and a man's razor lasted his
lifetime and then some. Life's a lot more
complicated than that these days. That's why
I was delighted to read a book called Polish
Your Furniture With Pantyhose.
It's written by Joey Green and it's
dedicated to the idea that you shouldn't
require an engineering degree to navigate
through life in the late 20th century. Green
teaches us that the solutions to many of life's
problems are as close as the nearest ... well,
clump of discarded pantyhose.
Green's book shows that not only can you
polish furniture with pantyhose, you can also
shine your shoes with Geritol, clean brass
with Worcestershire sauce, and get gum off
your sneakers with a squirt of WD-40.
Got a sliver in your finger? Swab it with
Elmer's Glue, let it dry, then peel the glue —
and the sliver — off.
Suffering from sunburn? Lather yogurt all
By Raymond Canon
his first statement a vow to "exterminate" all
his father's enemies and carrying out military
operations to demonstrate that he meant
what he said.
Somalia is actually broken up into zones,
each one of which is defended by heavily
armed militiamen. Aideed and son are in
control of the south part of the capital as
well as all the land around it'''as far as the
Ethiopian border. In addition, they control
the middle of the country to the north of
Mogadishu. Rivals control the rest of the
capital while other areas, including much of
the north, are generally against the Aideed
faction.
Only in the former British Somalialand is
there anything approaching a stable
government but even there are to be found
pockets of Aideed armed tribes. So far they
have been kept under control, but that could
change.
At first sight all the factions appear to be
loyal to one clan. However, such loyalty is
frequently split by adherence to a particular
family or even to individuals. Add to that
about 20 different political groupings and
you can imagine just how dose to anarchy
the country actually is.
The strange thing about the entire situation
is that there is something of a national
economy which still exists. People have to
eat, dress and house themselves. The clans
often act as bankers and importers. Thus
food and other goods flow across internal
borders.
The national currency, the shilling, still
exists and, as there is no central bank to print
more notes, those still in circulation take on
an increasingly worn character. Even
American dollars get into the act and, in
spite of all the uncertainty which exists, the
over it. Or, if you prefer, empty a jar of
Nestea into a warm bath and soak yourself.
The tannic acid will soothe the pain.
He also claims you'll catch as many fish
by baiting your hook with Vaseline as you
will with dew worms, and that you can keep
deer out of your garden by hanging blocks of
ivory soap around the perimeter.
A lot of people have nothing good to say
about porridge. Mister Green would
disagree. He says Quaker Oats make a
lovely facial moisturizer, can be applied to
the hair as a dry shampoo and relieves the
itching of chicken pox.
The book is full of tips on how to use
products in ways their manufacturers never
dreamed of. Coca Cola is dandy for cleaning
the corrosion off your car battery. You can
keep pets off your furniture with Reynolds
Wrap; clean your showerhead with Heinz
vinegar.
For people like me who can't program
their VCRs (or in fact, set their
wristwatches) Polish Your Furniture With
Pantyhose is a godsend. Simple solutions to
everyday problems! I haven't been this
excited about a book since I heard that O.J.
wouldn't be writing another one.
And Green's publisher, Hyperion, tells me
he's got another blockbuster coming out next
spring. It's going to be called Paint Your
House With Powdered Milk.
I can hardly wait.
exchange rate of the shilling and the other
currencies remain remarkably stable.
Since the U.N. forces left the country in
March 1995, Somalia has been all but
ignored by the world organization. It took
them two weeks to even refer to the death of
Gen. Aideed and what his death might do to
the country; the decision was made to do
nothing and that is probably the best thing to
do under the circumstances.
As it was, the intervention of the U.N. in
1992 did little but make the situation worse.
Perhaps in time the Somalians will get
around to making peace among themselves
and fit it to the factionalism which currently
exists. Some things are better left alone.
Letter to the editor
Continued from page 4
guaranteed the operating line of credit at the
Theatre. But ultimately, 24 well-intentioned
citizens cannot continue to carry this burden
alone.
For the Theatre to survive and grow, there
must be sustained, reliable audience
participation from Wingham as well as the
surrounding villages and townships. The
board, volunteers and the backers cannot do
it alone. Without additional funding and
community involvement, the stage at the
Heritage Theatre may soon go dark.
While a crisis is looming, the board and its
volunteers have not given up. Plans are
underway for a blitz of the town and
surrounding communities to determine if
wider support for the Heritage Theatre is
possible.
I personally feel the Theatre is important
to the community and worth saving. I
believe an aggressive fundraising campaign
should be launched, targeting Wingham and
surrounding communities.
Bob Foxton.
The
Short
of it
By Bonnie Grctpp
Life — a roll of the dice?
Is it all part of some great design or a
cosmic joke?
This sentiment expressed by Walter
Matthau as Albert Einstein in the movie lQis
one I admit to puzzling over myself from
time to time. While the concept of a grand
scheme, a master plan which maps out each
and every experience of our life seems rather
daunting, even for an omnipotent power,
neither can I be sure that it's not so.
Matthau remarks at one point in the movie
that he can not accept that God plays dice
with the universe. And yet, if this were so, it
would be a little easier to accept the hit and
miss fortune of some individuals. Whether
you stand on a theological platform or a
more down to earth venue, this topic is one
of mystery and controversy.
I admit I ride the fence on the debate.
There have been occasions in this life of
mine, when the circumstances of destiny or
fate, be they cosmic or spiritual, have
appeared too coincidental to be disbelieved.
There have been those I have met, who
believe that they could no more have
avoided marrying the person they did than
taxes. It was pre-ordained.
Now, while my common sense side can
not be totally convinced, I must admit that I
don't scoff at the notion either. Upon being
introduced to my future husband on a blind
date 20 years ago, we discovered through
conversation that we had attended the same
high school and that our lockers had been
directly across the hall from each other.
Travelling in different social circles at that
time, however, our paths had never crossed.
Yet, born under the same sign, of the same
ancestory and the same faith, my fanciful
inclinations will periodically lead me to
believe that we were indeed destined to meet
again.
While romance is a good argument to
support the notion of fate, I find the concept
of destiny a less soothing explanation when
things go bad. Why would misery be the life
chart for some, when others seem to voyage
forever on the high seas?
Acquaintances of mine, sweet selfless
people, have been tolerating with patience
and gentle acceptance, a year of pain and
difficulty. The male friend has discovered he
has heart problems, the female has been in
constant pain for several months. The cause
is unknown, though doctors believe it to be a
pinched nerve. Her aging parents are failing
and as an only child she is now tending to
two homes, rather than just one, while
working full-time.
Last spring, they learned that their
youngest child is suffering from a genetic
nerve disorder which requires expensive
medication. Then this summer, their eldest
child fell victim to a chronic debilitating
disease, which could affect the way he lives
his life, forever. There's no cure and
treatment carries with it a variety of
unpleasant side-effects.
Part of a grand design or a cosmic joke? It
can definitely make for interesting
conversation, with strong arguments either
way. We know that whatever will be, will
be, but while fate, when it's good, seems a
gift, it's hard not to ask 'Why?" when it
hurt:. Times like that seem to be more the
result of a bad roll 'of the dice.
Arthur Black
International Scene