The Citizen, 1995-03-22, Page 5International Scene
By Raymond Canon
THE CITIZEN, WEDNESDAY, MARCH 22, 1995. PAGE 5.
Now there was
a major jerk!
The headline said it all: Brit PM a major
jerk to lover it read. The story - yet another
in the never ending revelations of British
hanky panky — alleges that British Prime.
Minister John Major, despite his Woody
Allensque facade, is a ruthless love 'em and
leave 'em type.
The U.K. edition of Esquire magazine
claims that as a stripling, Major pitched
passionate woo at a divorcee who lived next
door. When his political fortunes took up an
upward swing, so the story goes, Major gave
his inamorata the gate.
Now this story may or not be true. But
even if it was, it makes Britain's PM...what?
Ungallant, for sure. Rude, — even heartless
perhaps.
But a "major jerk"? I think not.
It takes more than that to attain the mantle
of Major Jerkdom.
Aleister Crowley. Now there was a major
jerk. Crowley (a Brit as well) lived from
1875 to 1947. He wrote books with titles
such as The Confessions of Aleister Crowley
and The Diary of a Drug Fiend, when he
wasn't scandalizing society by filing his
front teeth to points and appearing at society
balls with an artificial butterfly pinned to the
front of his trousers.
A letter to
Bill Clinton
Hello Bill:
Now that you have been back in
Washington for a while after your short but
successful visit to Canada (i.e. Ottawa), I
thought I should write you again to thank
you for taking up my invitation to visit our
country. You see, it did you a lot of good
just as I said it would and I actually got your
mind off the likes of Newt Gingrich and that
Republican crowd for a short period and
don't say that you didn't need it. That guy is
a whirling dervish and it probably gives you
a headache even to look at him. But more
about that later.
Somebody once said that, when George
Bush was talking about a "kinder, gentler
society", he was thinking of Canada. Now
that you have been here, you can probably
see the validity of that statement.
Not only that, but we have universal health
care of a type which is dear to the eye of
your wife. Both of you talked about it during
your visit and I'm sure you were sincere in
your statements.
For- openers, then, I want you to repeat 10
times every morning when you get up
"Canadians arc our best friends and there arc
many things that we can learn from them."
Just think what a positive way that is to start
the day.
I have to tell you one thing. The last time
you looked up the word "byzantine" in the
dictionary, it meant something about the
incomprehensible politics practices in the
Near East. Now that you have been in
Canada, you have learned the true meaning;
it pertains to the whole question of
separatism in Quebec. If any Canadian told
you he or she understood -it; you can rest
He called himself "the wickedest man in
the world" and none of his contemporaries
disputed it.
And he didn't think much of Canucks,
folks. In his autobiography, Crowley dissed
our favourite Urban World Class Wannabe
as follows:
"Toronto as a city carries out the idea of
Canada as a country. It is a calculated crime
both against the aspirations of the soul and
the affections of the heart."
I don't care if he did hate Toronto —
Aleister Crowley's still a jerk.
But a dead one. Fortunately there are a
few living breathing jerks to carry on the
species. Donald Trump is a card-carrying
jerk. Mohammar Khaddafi has a reserved
niche in the Jerk Hall of Fame. As does the
Mother of All Buffoons, Saddam Hussein.
Whatever happened to that guy, anyway?
Do I see people out there pointing my way
and muttering accusations of "sexist jerk"?
Nonsense. Jerkdom knows no gender. I
nominate Madonna. And Tonya Harding.
And of course, Roseanne.
My nomination for World Champion
Living Jerk? No contest. Ladies and
gentlemen, I give you Vladimir Zhirinovsky,
Clown Prince of What's Left of Russia.
Zhirinovsky is the self-proclaimed leader
of the ultranationalist Russians and he's the
kind of dolt that makes Ernst Zundel look
suave. On a diplomatic mission to Germany,
Zhirinovsky spat on demonstrators. He
routinely dismisses world leaders like
Clinton and Mitterand as cowards and liars.
assured that person had been standing too
close to the fluid in the office's duplicating
machine.
Where else in the world would you find a
political leader who has the answer he wants
but is trying to find out how to phrase the
question so that he will get the answer he
wants? Nobody in Quebec understands it
either; most of them want to get on with
making a living just like other Canadians.
Don't you get the feeling that it is a growth
industry just for politicians and journalists?
Now let's get around to your good old pal
Jean. (Chretien, you remember, our prime
minister). This is the man who was not going
to cozy up to the Americans and was going
to tear up the Free Trade Agreement and
throw it in Washington's face.
You didn't see him at all; you kept hearing
a man say all sorts of nice things about you
and, as for the Free Trade Agreement, what
a wonderful invention it was with trade
between the two countries growing by leaps
and bounds and all those jobs being created
on both sides of the border. .I kept watching
you look over your shoulder to see when the
real Jean Chratien was going to show up
with his franglais style of fire and brimstone.
I hate to mention this but isn't that a little
bit like the American attitude toward
Saddam Hussein. One minute the CIA is
showing him satellite photos of the Middle
East, especially Iran and the next minute he
is Hitler incarnate. Politicians will be
politicians, I guess.
I'm glad Hillary got to go skating on the
Rideau Canal. Some of my RCMP friends
tell me the whole Musical Ride was told to
ride over all the ice just to make sure it was
capable of holding Hillary and her 120 lbs.,
not to mention Aline Chr4tien who weighs in
at about 109 1/2. Even the children that
skated with them were subjected to a loyalty
test.
Frankly it was just to keep your boys
Recently on encountering a (female)
American journalist Zhirinovslcy announced
"We'll understand one another better if you
undress right now." Zhirinovsky went on to
suggest sexual twosomes, threesomes and
foursomes with his bodyguards. "I love to
watch more. Plus I'm lazy. It inspires me to
the passion of youth."
Now THAT's the kind of world-class
jerkdom people like George Steinbrenner
can only have wet dreams about.
Canadian Jerks? Well, there was Harold
Ballard, the long-time resident arena troll of
Maple Leaf Gardens, but he's gone. And we
don't have Joey Smallwood or Bill Vander
Zam to kick around any more. I was kind of
fond of Howie Young, there for a while,
back in the 60s. Howie was a marginal pro
hockey player more famous for his feats off
the ice than on. Howie drank a bit, and got a
little boisterous when he did.
Such as the night he was walking through
a restaurant in Detroit and he spied a tasty-
looking sausage on a stranger's plate.
Howie being Howie, he snatched the
sausage, popped in his mouth and kept
walking.
But not too far. The guy who's dinner he'd
plundered turned out to have no sense of
humour whatsoever.
But a black belt in karate.
Howie got his clock cleaned. And not long
after that he gave up hockey and booze and
he even got religion.
Too bad that doesn't happen to more jerks
more often.
happy. We take a dim view of anybody
shooting at our prime ministers; the last
person that even came close threw a
snowball at Pierre Trudeau. He has been a
custodian on some ice flow west of
Greenland ever since.
You may recall that a prestigious news
magazine once called you a "Closet
Canadian." Take that as a compliment.
Also, while it is not exactly the norm right
now to quote former Prime Minister Brian
Mulroney in a positive note, remember that
he said that the President of the United
States should get up every morning and give
thanks that he had Canada on his northern
border. He wasn't far off the mark; you
could have Somalia, Afghanistan or even 1.2
billion Chinese. In short, all the nice things
you said about us have a ring of truth.
Anyway, come back and see us again
some time and bring the family. We have
some excellent theatres in this part of
Canada and honestly, you would be
surprised how much better our cheese and
bacon is than what you get back home. The
more you come, the more you will be
surprised what 29 million people have been
able to accomplish in an area where the.
climate is frequently the pits.
One more thing. You don't have to meet
Lucien Bouchard every time you come.
How's that for a sweetener!
The Citizen welcomes letters to
the editor.
They must be signed and should
be accompanied by a telephone
number should we need to clarify
any information. Letters may be
edited for content and space.
The
Short
of it
By Bonnie Gropp
Coming through
for them
There's nothing like t little recreation to
keep you out of trouble.
Everybody needs to have a hobby, a sport
or pastime, which provides them with
exercise, an opportunity to have some fun
and enjoy an hour or two with their peers
away from the cares of work and home.
Working for the paper has made this a bit
of a challenge for me as many of my
evenings and weekends have been filled
with meetings or events which I am required
to attend. However, last year, though I
certainly didn't need any extra time away
from home, I realized that for my own
wellbeing I had to do something that would
be just for me, so I joined a ball team.
Having to miss the odd game because of
work, one couldn't say my commitment was
100 percent, and though there were many
nights I wearily attended out of a sense of
duty, when I did play, it was always a
revitalizing experience.
Keeping busy is what life is all about.
There is no question in my mind that the best
way to keep a kid out of trouble is to
guarantee that they have as much of their
time filled as possible. There should be time
to relax of course, but there should also be
hours filled with chores and most
importantly by a sport or other type of
recreation.
Now, some of those urban swells might
think there aren't the same opportunities for
our children growing up in small towns as
for those growing up in the cities. But, I
think we know we have a great deal to offer
in this area. When winter winds blow cold,
the local arenas- are the communities' hot
spots with kids playing hockey and figure
skating, while still others challenge
themselves in pursuits such as the martial
arts or dancing. Then as the steaming sun of
spring and summer heats up, the focus shifts
to the ball diamonds, soccer fields and the
pool.
The small towns of rural Huron need not
play behind anyone when it comes to the
recreational diversions they offer the young
people, which is why it's a shame to see one
of the most popular activities in jeopardy.
It was a dream come true a few years ago,
when, after playing a couple of season's
home games in Ethel, Brussels managed,
thanks to the efforts of the Optimists and
Lions Clubs, to construct a soccer field at the
school for the ever increasing number of
teams needing a place to play. Last year in
Brussels 160 young athletes between the
ages of four and 15, enjoyed a summer of
fun and memories, playing on the village's
soccer teams. This year, these kids may be
left standing in their field of dreams if some
volunteers don't come forward to form an
executive to oversee, not fund, the running
of the Brussels program.
The unfortunate, yet realistic, difficulty
here is that we are a society of people who
already have full calendars and trying to
squeeze another hour or two out of a week is
a prospect most of us don't want to, not to
mention can't, do. Personally, I shy from
committing to such things, because my
schedule is for the most part not my own, so
reliability is a problem.
We all have our reasons, and they arc all
usually valid. But I have lived in this small
town long enough to have learned one very
important thing. When it comes to our kids,
when it comes to finding just a little more
the people of Brussels always come
through. I'm expecting, and Loping, this
won't be any different.
Arthur Black