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The Citizen, 1992-06-24, Page 22PAGE 22. THE CITIZEN, WEDNESDAY, JUNE 24, 1992. Counsellor talks about coping with loss BY BONNIE GROPP Throughout our lives we will often fmd ourselves having to come to terms with loss. People, we love, regularly enter and leave our lives without our having any control over the situation. For children, losing someone close to you, either through death, divorce, separation or moving away, is difficult to come to terms with. For parents, the way their child chooses to handle the issue is often equally as difficult to deal SANDY STUART Art appreciation Muriel Alcorn of Gorrie and Jerry McDonnell take a few minutes to study one of the George Reid paintings on display at the Bainton Gallery in Memorial Hall during the seminar led by Mr. McDonnell and his wife, Carol on Monday, June 15. Support for literacy programs in the developing world is a long-term solution to hunger and poverty. To make a donation, call 1-800-661-C0DE. Self-sufficiency through literacy in the developing world. Appreciation Brussels Lion Ron CLarkson, left, present Lion John Harrison with a plaque for his contribution to the club over the years. The award was presented at the annual elimination draw on Saturday night. HAPPY PRICES at Maitland Manor Nursery & Landscaping East of Wingham Hwy. 86 335-3240 with. Sandy Stuart a family therapist and manager of the Huron-Perth Centre for Youth and Adolescence in Clinton said there's no pal answer to tell us how to recognize and respond to children's needs at such a difficult time. The most important thing parents can do, he says, is listen and talk, to try to help children understand what they are feeling. "There's no right or wrong way in how you feel when you've suffered a loss," he said. "It's what you do with it that can be a danger." He added that there are stages people will go through when griev­ ing; anger, frustration, denial, bar­ gaining, resolution; and it's important to respect and understand the process and deal with each phase as it comes. The difficulty for adults is that usually when a child is facing loss, the parent has lost someone too. "In order to be accessible to someone else's needs, we have to get to the point in our own grieving process where we can deal with it first," Mr. Stuart said. "Obviously parents dealing with grief are not as able to help a grieving child, but if we lis­ ten, kids will keep bringing their feelings to us until we're ready to answer." The mystery of death is not an easy one for young minds to unrav­ el and parents don't always have the solution. There are many ques­ tions impossible to answer as they vary according to individuals and circumstances. For example, what do you say to a child when there's a death? How old should a child be before they visit a funeral home? Regarding the first question, Mr. Stuart suggests the simplest thing is to answer all the child's questions. "Adult grief is frightening to kids," he said. "They need reassurance. They need to be included and they'll let you know when it's too much." Do even young children need to see the body to come to a kind of peace? Mr. Stuart said while the decision of taking a child to a funeral home depends on the indi­ vidual, communication is impor­ tant. There is no question that many adults remember the experience as an unpleasant memory. Mr. Stuart says that asking a child how they feel, then making them aware of what to expect will help. "The very young must under­ stand the process," he said, adding that the same is true for other types of loss as well. "Divorce is the same process. It's a shock. How do you explain to a child what is going - weeping mulberry - weeping pussywillow - weeping pea shrub lo happen?" Mr. Stuart says the best reassurance that adults can give is to tell a child what is not going to change. Tell him he won’t be moving or changing schools. Let him know that both parents are still available to him and love him. "Kids need the assurance that Mommy and Daddy are going to make sure this won't disrupt the kid's life. The worst thing a parent Can do is to drop contact," cautions Mr. Stuart. One in four Canadian marriages ends in divorce, Mr. Stuart says, which has profound impact on soci­ ety. "An estimate would mean about one million children are being affected. That's a lot of walk­ ing wounded." Outsiders can help, he says, by extending themselves to find a role that's helpful. This is most impor­ tant in small communities where people need to care about each other, not choose sides. Mr. Stuart adds that this is where adults can learn from children. "People tend to shy back for fear of saying the wrong thing. We need kids' exam­ ple of how to be spontaneous." A difficulty for children to cope or communicate may result in behavioural problems. But, there are ways to help children express what they feel, either through draw­ ing or writing. Then, Mr. Stuart says, it becomes the adults' prob­ lem to look closely enough and "listen to what they see." Children grow up juggling two basic principles, he said, that of dependency and autonomy. When one is too predominant that is when trouble begins. Dependency can make you feel vulnerable, yet in order for people to be open to sup­ port through trauma they have to feel some vulnerability. "We must remember that kids are're'silient, especially if they know they are cared for and loved. People, young -and old, have "a lot of inner strengths to draw from when their legs are knocked out from beneath them," said Mr. Stuart. When people can't find these strengths there are sources from which to draw. The Centre for Youth and Adolescents, which has been in existence for 15 years, offers family counselling programs, which are flexible to the needs of each involved. School Resource people are To all of the staff of the Wingham and District Hospital who, over the years, have enriched my working life as Executive Director, my heartfelt thanks. You loyal dedication to the hospital and your service to its patients made my job so easy. In particular, I thank each Department Head, present and past, for your professionalism, loyalty and support. You really are the cream of the crop. Finally, I wish to thank all those members of the community who supported our endeavours with time, money, advice, and the many kind things you wrote and said about the hospital. Sincerely Norm Hayes LAKEPORT COMMUNICATIONS INC. Take advantage of the new cellular service. We'll take care of your activations, phone number changes, conversions and installations. Call or drop in 9-5 daily, 9-6 Fri./Sat. 60 West St. GODERICH 524-9591. CARTEL agen°ved available lo help students aealing with loss. As well, Mr. Stuart rec­ ommends reading "When Bad Things Happen lo Good People" by Harold Kushner or any book by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. Grief is not a feeling that eventu­ ally goes away. Though it may change through time, it is, says Mr. Stuart, something that will never leave you. "And who wants it to, because to get over it is to forget," he said. Memories of a loved one are an important element to coping with loss. Children, said Mr. Stuart, are especially in touch with those abili­ ties. "They will always remember. That's very healthy because memo­ ries are the body's and mind's way of comforting trauma," he said. SHARP DEALS ON QUALITY- CLEAN READY-TO-GO USED CARS Great Savings on These Used Cars & Trucks. 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