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10 THE RURAL VOICE
INSIDE THE CRYSTAL BALL
A clairvoyant recently did a radio
show in the area and then made herself
available for private consultations.
I know, I can already see you
grinning. You're right. I was more
than a little interested. Super Wrench,
of course, was sceptical right down to
his work boots.
"What do you want to throw your
money away like that for? She's only
going to tell you there's someone tall,
dark, and handsome in your future and
that you're going on a long trip. Give
me the 60 bucks, lady," he said with a
leer, "and I'll show you a good time."
I kept at him about it with subtle
little sighs and hints, and he suggested
that anyone availing herself of the
clairvoyant's services had the intelli-
gence of a Brussels sprout.
Since he never said "yes" and
didn't give me a firm "no," I made an
appointment. (The clairvoyant stayed
two extra days because she was
swamped with requests. It felt better
to know I wasn't the only Brussels
sprout loose from the vegetable patch.)
What she predicted for me and my
family wasn't unexpected, nor was it
particularly exciting. There were no
tall, dark, handsome men, and not a
single trip was mentioned.
Super Wrench was smug as only
a man can be. "Anyone with even a
few smarts," he told me, "can predict
what kind of year is ahead just by wat-
ching what's going on around you."
"Well," I shot back, "if you're so
smart, give me a hint."
He reeled off some interesting
ones, and I know you'll be as happy
to hear them as I was.
1. You're going to hire your
combining done when you go out to
the shed to check over your machine
and all you find is a few rust spots on
the shed floor. (The mice dismantled
it and carried it away to build condos.)
2. You're not going to get opera-
ting money when you take your cash
flow to the bank and the paramedics
are called to give the manager CPR.
3. You're not going to pay income
tax when you take your books to the
accountant and he puts them in a black
file with a cross on it.
4. You're not going to get credit
to plant this year's crop when all the
suppliers demand that you leave your
wife until fall as ransom.
5. You're not going to move for a
while when Farm Credit demands that
you list some of your land and you do,
at the price they suggest. People by
the dozens will stop at the road sign
where the price is boldly stated, taking
pictures and rolling in the ditches.
6. There are going to be family
conflicts when you go to the shop to
fix the snowblower and find your son
has sold the welder so he can buy gas
for his snowmobile.
7. You're going to be as frustrated
as a dog trying to bury his bone in a
stone pile when you get the panel for
your Farm Debt Review Hearing. It
will consist of your mother-in-law,
your wife's ex-husband, a neighbour
who had TGE run rampant through his
barn with the last load of pigs you sold
him, and a trained monkey. The mon-
key will stick its tongue out at you.
8. You will know there's no such
thing as easy money when you decide
to have a sale to get rid of surplus stuff
around the farm. All you come up
with is an old wheelbarrow with a flat
tire, a hay fork with one prong broken,
seven bags of used baler twine, and a
turnip pulper.
And just think, I never had to pay a
dime to have these bright spots in my
future revealed.0
Gisele Ireland, from the county of
Bruce, began her series of humorous
columns with The Rural Voice. Her
most recent book, Brace Yourself, is
available for $7 from Bumps Books,
Teeswater, Ontario, NOG 2S0.