The Rural Voice, 1988-01, Page 10Hydraulic Cylinder
& Jack Repair
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Spike Bakker 519-528-2520
8 THE RURAL VOICE
ON NEW YEAR'S
RESOLUTIONS AND THE
THEORY OF RELATIVITY
Entering a new year, we're prod-
ded into massive guilt complexes.
Why else would all those cutsie little
articles be popping out at you, those
articles aimed at "improving" you by
making you resolve to defeat your
supposedly bad habits? These guilt
complexes are caused after you've
made the resolutions and they don't
last longer than the next diaper
change.
This year, I've decided to take a
different approach. I'm breaking my
arm patting myself on the back over
all the things I could have done, but
didn't.
I could have gained
50 pounds. But I did
not break the cross bar
on any couches.
Hostesses did not have
to hide delicate chairs
when I visited, nor did
I need a crowbar to
wedge me into the car.
The little weight I did
put on will, I hope, be
camouflaged by
standing up straighter
and holding my breath.
I could have tied my children to
the maple trees and whipped them
with willow switches when our
opinions clashed. I yelled
at them instead. I did not declare
them illegal aliens and have them
deported when they missed curfew.
I yelled at them. When they brought
strange friends home, I did not laugh.
The guy with the Mohawk cut dyed
in rainbow colours sorely tested me,
but I stuck my head in the freezer and
stifled myself.
When Super Wrench forgot my
birthday, I did not hit him with my
purse, which contains a brick. I hid
his underwear. When, the keys in his
pocket, he made me wait in the cold
car for half an hour while he discussed
the state of the world, I did not burst
into tears. I put a blanket and pillow
in the bathtub and threw in two
granola bars for his supper. When he
failed to come up with enough cash to
cover the overdraft, I did not run home
to mother. When he drooled all over
an attractive blonde recently, pointing
out all the way home that he'd eat
stewed aluminum foil if she served it,
I did not call a lawyer to sue for
divorce.
I did not scream "thief" in my hog -
calling soprano and embarrass the
tractor dealer in front of his employees
and other customers
when he handed me
the bill. It was triple
the estimate he'd
given. I paid what I
thought was fair, and
told him the rest
would be there when
"my ship came in."
We live fairly well
inland, so he could
flounder in low tide
fora spell.
The local jail did
not have the pleasure
of my presence. I paid the parking
tickets issued to me. No wars were
started at my instigation. The ones
that are going on I honestly had
nothing to do with.
So I ask you, why would anyone
who had a good year want to mess it
up by making resolutions that can't be
kept?0
Gisela Ireland, from the county
of Bruce, began her series of
humorous columns with The
Rural Voice. Her most recent
book, Brace Yourself, is avail-
able for $7 from Bumps Books,
Teeswater, Ontario, NOG 2S0.