The Rural Voice, 1999-11, Page 14LESLIE HAWKEN
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10 THE RURAL VOICE
Mabel's Grill
"Everybody's picking on cows
lately," said Hank Vanderplast.
"Good, at least it's not pigs for a
change," grunted Dave Winston.
"Yeh but nobody's writing stories
complaining about the names you
call your
pigs," said
Hank.
"Nobody
could print the
names I call
my pigs,
especially
when I'rn•
loading them,"
said Dave.
"I mean this
whole Central
Experimental
Fatm thing,"
-said Hank.
"Some woman
named.Stephanie sees a cow named
Stephanie and thinks it's a big insult
to have a cow named after her."
"What did Stephanie look like that
she's worried about being mistaken
for a cow?" wondered George.
"Now let's not get into male
chauvinism," warned Molly White-
side as she poured coffee refills.
"Now my wife, my three
daughters, my mother-in-law and
four nieces are all wondering if I've
insulted them by naming cows after
them," said Hank.
"Should be a compliment," said
George McKenzie. "The cow's prob-
ably worth more than Stephanie is."
"Yeh, maybe the cow isn't too
thrilled about having some ditz
walking around with her name
either," said Hank.
"Watch the insults," said Molly, "I
could make some unfortunate
comparisons between you guys and
bulls too, if you're not careful."
"Tell St phanie it could be
worse," said Wayne Bruce. "I read
where some lady down in Penn-
sylvania gave a name to her giant
pumpkin. How'd she like to be.
compared to a 1200 -pound squash?"
"Actually it's not Stephanie — the
woman I mean — that bothers me so
much," said Hank. "I mean there will
always be people who are looking for
an insult."
"And people ready to give one,"
The world's
problems are
solved daily
'round the table
at Mabel's
interjected Molly.
"It's the government idiot who
sent down the directive that hence-
forth no animal should have a human
name that gets me," said Hank.
"What's the surprise?" grouched
George. "If people aren't idiots when
they get hired by governments, they
soon learn to be idiots. Especially
when it comes to doing stupid things
because they're afraid somebody
might get mad at them."
"And then there's this thing about
the kids getting sick from the animals
on display at the Western Fair in
London," said Hank. "How could 93
people have picked up E Coli from
cattle at the fair? What did they do,
lick them?"
"And next thing you know they'll
ban cows from the fair and the
consumers won't even know what a
cow looks like," said George.
"Maybe that would be a good
thing," said Dave. "If people don't
know we even have cows in Ontario
maybe they'll think beef is some
exotic food imported from halfway
around the world and then they'll be
happy to pay twice as much."
"They probably wish your pigs
were halfway around the world," said
George.
"Hey, the worm will turn for you
beef guys one of these days, then it
will be feed lots that are getting city
people upset," said Dave.
"Yeh but by then people will be
importing their beef from Omaha or
some place," grumbled George.
"Unless our government starts
standing up for us against the
Americans nobody will be able to
keep raising cattle here."
"Yeh, well good luck getting this
government to stand up for farmers,"
said Dave. "Took them a long time to
get rid of the countervail on pigs
didn't it."
"Maybe somebody could get Jean
Chretien to mention the beef
countervail to Bill Clinton when
they're playing golf some time," said '
Hank.
"I doubt it," said Dave. "Jean
wouldn't know a bull if he staredit in
the face."
"Yeh," said George, "but he's
real familiar with what comes out the
other end."0