The Rural Voice, 1998-04, Page 10Pasture Farmers
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6 THE RURAL VOICE
Gisele Ireland
Spreading the word about the bug
When perchance we happen to
meet anywhere, ask me my age, my
weight or the name of my hairdresser.
Don't use the phrase, "How are
you?", unless you want to stand there
long enough to
grow roots.
It's been my
experience of
late, that
anyone I greet
with that
situation, will
answer with a
detailed
description of
their battle with
the Australian
flu bug. Very
few have been
spared it seems. havk no answer as
to why we had to import a virus,
when we've got plenty of our own,
but it's likely thanks to our modern
air technology that we've been
blessed. It sure has supplanted the
topic of El Nifio as a topic of morbid
conversation.
There seems to be subtle contest
of who got it the worst and what
"new" remedy cured them. Anyone
who had an existing medical
condition fared the worst and
hopefully went to the doctor.
Children who ran temperature
extremes also crowded the
physician's waiting rooms. The
adults are another matter. It has
almost become a point of honour of
how they "toughed" it out.
There's the sweat stories. One
victim I met in the post office
sweated so much they claim they
could have wrung out the bed sheets
and watered all the houseplants. Now
that's hard to beat.
Super Wrench got the "slam dunk"
variety, which hit fast, put you
between the sheets, shivering under
an electric blanket turned to "fry"
position, and had you asking for hot
water bottles. The only sounds Super
Wrench made were close to that of a
Don't ask
"How are you?"
whooping crane and punctuated by
moans. He medicated himself with a
sinus decongestant and used four
boxes of tissues.
Others took megadoses of certain
vitamins to get on their feet again. In
days of yore, the use of goose grease,
fried onions in a sock around the
neck and mustard plasters were
standard remedies. They've been
replaced by devil's claw, willow tree
bark and echinacea. Since food was
the last thing on any sufferer's mind,
it didn't fit into the equation. Myself,
I believe in the magical properties of
Jello. Especially the red kind. Cures
anything.
How come it spread so fast?
That's easy to answer. Those who
didn't get the slam dunk variety,
myself included, took their virus
riddled bodies everywhere. One
Sunday in our church the
congregation drowned out the choir
with their symphony of hacking,
sneezing and nose blowing. Anyone
who'd missed it to that point, had
their luck run out during "Amazing
Grace". They took it home with them.
Mind you, I'm not envious of
those who got it bad enough to write
up in medical journals, but I wish
there was a cure for the lingering
effect of exhaustion this virus brings
with it. I can now fall asleep
anywhere, anytime. Before the early
evening news is over I long for my
bed — that's in addition to all the
short naps I've taken through the day.
Much to the amusement of my
daughters, I fell asleep, sitting
straight up in the car, right in the
middle of a noisy argument between
my grandsons as to what fast food
joint they would like to hit for a
burger.
So be warned, don't ask the
question "How are you?" ... if I can
stay awake long enough, I just might
tell you.0
Gisele Ireland, from Bruce County, is
an author of several humorous books
on farm life.