The Rural Voice, 1998-01, Page 36How to choose a lawyer
9 1/2 tips,
(humorous
and
helpful) on
getting the
right
advice
By
Arthur
Kirkby
God found that the Devil had
shifted the fence that divided
Heaven from Hell three feet
onto the Celestial side, and He
threatened to sue if it wasn't moved
back. The Devil hooted in derision.
"Where," he asked, "do You think
You'll find a lawyer on Your side of
the line?" Even if He had found one,
could He have communicated with
him?
So, as a service to both the earthly
and ethereal, here are 9 1/2 tips for
hiring and dealing with lawyers.
1. Find a lawyer you like. Failing
that, at least find one who's
approachable. This is, after all, the
person to whom you'll be spilling
your dirty little secrets, your basest
admissions, even those nasty items
your spouse doesn't know. Or
perhaps, does know, which is why
you need a lawyer in the first place.
These are conversations to make a
32 THE RURAL VOICE
Bishop blanch, so choose carefully.
Throwing a dart at the Yellow Pages
is not the way to find your legal
confessor.
2. When it's time for a lawyer, it's
time that counts. See him before the
jury returns, before the deed on the
swamp land is registered, before you
and the Sheik sign that lease on your
blonde children. Just like other forms
of pollution, it costs more to clean up
a legal mess than it does to prevent
one.
3. Don't talk to your lawyer in your
own business jargon. He won't
understand. And even if he asks, the
meter's running. If he doesn't ask,
it's worse. What is "crude hedging"
to an oil exec is "poor topiary" to a
lawyer. And the suggested solution
won't work.
4. Don't talk to your lawyer using
legal terms either. Who do you think
you are? Perry Mason? Fancy legal
terminology has its uses (schmoozing
judges, chatting up bar flies, and
inflating invoices), but it's not for
laymen. Even lawyers are still
refining the language of law into a
hybrid of Latin and balderdash. Read
the Michael Jackson/L.A. General
Hospital case — the prosecuting
attorney used "modus operendi" in
place of "plastic surgery." It's the
only civil case which resulted in a
criminal conviction. Don't help do
yourself in.
5. Play Show and Tell like a guest
spot on "Geraldo." Your lawyer
needs to hear it all and see all the
evidence: the motel receipts, the
phoney stock certificates, the Pulitzer
class alibi — just in case the
opposing side has a good Private Eye.
A surprised lawyer is an angry
lawyer. And angry lawyers cost
more. Lots more.
6. Put your problems in writing.