The Rural Voice, 1992-02, Page 8AST CHANCE TO
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4 THE RURAL VOICE
COOKING: IT CAN GIVE
YOU A REAL CHARGE
Gisele Ireland is from Bruce County.
Her most recent book, Brace Yourself,
is available for $7 from Bumps Books,
Teeswater, Ontario, NOG 2S0.
There must be thousands of peo-
ple out there who'd love to get a real
lift once in a while, but never get one.
Not me. I get a lift at least once a
day, and sometimes more often. In
fact, it's difficult to pinpoint where
these lifts come from and what they
are doing to me. You see, I get my
"lift" from the stove.
For weeks, there was a silent bat-
tle between me and the stove. It
would zap me whenever it felt like it,
and I tried to convince Super Wrench
I was being stir -fried by this electrical
monster. He'd saunter over to the
same element that had just sent me
staggering across the room and not
get so much as a twinge. "Have you
been taking your menopause medica-
tion regularly?" he'd ask me with an
ill -concealed smirk. "You might just
be having hot flashes, you know."
The stove was pretty choosy about
when it would give me electrical
mental therapy, mostly when there
was no one around to see me go into
convulsions. It always lost something
in the description later on, even if
singed earlobes and smoking hair
were still in evidence.
They finally believed my electric
trips when our son got a zap that sent
him to his knees. He was stirring
scrambled eggs with a fork in a cast
iron fry pan. Because of this abso-
lutely horrible experience, immediate
action had to be taken. I couldn't get
over it; one negative experience and
the cavalry is called in. My daughter
and I had been getting electric thera-
py for weeks and all we got were rude
comments and skeptical remarks.
I was at the point where I didn't
think I'd had a good day if the stove
hadn't attacked me via its wires.
The electrician came when I was
home alone. He listened patiently
while I informed him of all the trials
and tribulations the stove had put me
through. Super Wrench came in, and
in no time the electrician had him
convinced it was just a little tingle
voltage. "We all know how sensitive
the ladies are," he said knowingly.
With a wink at Super Wrench, he
took out a little gizmo and let on he
was really giving the stove the once-
over. He couldn't find a thing wrong,
and left.
Just a few hours later, I was sim-
mering a steak on one element, and
vegetables on another, using two cast
iron pans. I touched both handles,
one in each hand, and the world lit
up. The steak ended up under the
table and the vegetables decorated the
side of the cupboards. It had given
me just a few volts more than usual
and I wasn't prepared. It did make
Super Wrench question the electri-
cian's diagnosis. He went to town,
brought back a little kit and rewired
the terminals on the element that had
had me break dancing. The repairs
worked for seven meals, then I was
back to cringing when I had to place
anything on the burner, and the men,
including the electrician who had the
sensitivity of a doorknob, were back
to trying to figure out what was loose.
I just knew it wasn't my screws.
Since its first zap, the stove has
developed a personality of its own,
and it seems to have incited the water
heater to act up as well: it whistled
strangely the other day, emitting gur-
gles with ominous regularity. I was
debating whether to just phone a psy-
chiatrist or try to convince Super
Wrench there was something strange
going on inside the water heater. As
it turns out, I didn't have to do either.
He went downstairs and was greeted
by a foot of water in the cellar. It
seems the problem was self-explana-
tory.
Too bad the stove wouldn't ex-
plode. Then I'd be exonerated too.0