The Rural Voice, 1991-02, Page 36THE FARMER TAKES A WIFE
WILL IT BE LISA, HILLA, LILO, FIDO, OR MISA?
I had my first date with LISA (Low
Input Sustainable Agriculture) as an
early teenager in 1963. I remember
the Saturday well. Dad matched us up
when he handed me a five -pronged
fork (one of those good, heavy Five -
Star True Temper models that Stade
and Weido used to sell), and told me
to clean out the east calf pen. It didn't
hurt me, but it made me wonder whe-
ther I wanted to be married to the gal
for the rest of my life.
Dad continued to set up blind dates
where LISA and I did such fun things
as dig bull thistle out of the pasture
and pull mustard and wild oats in the
grain. My cousin Chuck was dating
LISA's twin sister and we double da-
ted all through June, hoeing broadleaf
weeds out of our dads' corn fields.
Soon our relationship began to
sour. It wasn't that LISA was a bad
girl, everybody approved of and res-
pected her. But like the other 4-H
boys around Zurich, I wanted a little
more pizzazz in my life. Some guys
stopped dating the "agriculture sisters"
completely. Others studied ag bus-
iness, ag education or ag economics
hoping to attract the attention of HISA
(High Input Salaried Agriculture).
She was the most popular of all the
girls. She had so many suitors, it be-
came obvious that some of us would
have to consider asking out her sisters.
Being hot-blooded young men, we
all had our eye on HILLA (High Input
Low Labour Agriculture). Now there
was a gal that could show a farm boy a
good time. Big new machinery, acres
of unfenced fields, and unlimited fer-
tilizer and chemicals. It was imposs-
ible to resist her flirtations. Many of
us took her out, a few married her.
But she was never as popular as
her critics would have you believe.
We had been warned about fast -buck
farming. Any of us seriously looking
in the agriculture family knew that in
the long run, HILLA would squander
your money, leaving you heartbroken.
by Mervyn Erb
So who docs that leave for today's
farmer?
Well, LISA is still looking. She's
got a number of matchmakers trying
to introduce her to as many farmers as
they can. Some are even saying she
would make such a good farm wife,
that if you marry her, you'll need no
herbicides, no insecticides, and hardly
a pickup load of fertilizer.
I'm skeptical. I'm afraid LISA is
going to put me back on the handle of
that old five -prong, working 70 -hour
weeks for 20 hours' pay. Do I want to
go back and grow alfalfa and clover
and spend all summer making hay?
The reason I stopped dating her in
the first place is that she reminded me
too much of my grandma — work,
work, work, and save, save, save.
Now some of the guys are making
fun of LISA. They've nicknamed her
LILO (Low Input Low Output)
agriculture. Some of the real rude
fellows even call her FIDO (Fewer
Inputs Declining Outputs), a real dog.
So what's a middle-aged farmer to
do? HILLA is out. We're now too
old and respectable to revive a young
man's flirtations with that hussy, but
I've heard about another one of the
agriculture sisters that's been around
all along. She's called MISA (Med-
ium Input Sustainable Agriculture).
She's also a cousin to SISA (Sensible
Input Sustainable Agriculture).
MISA may only be good for 125
instead of 155 bushels of corn, but she
can get by on 120 pounds of N instead
of 170. She prefers a little diversi-
fication on her farm, maybe a beef
cow herd and a few acres of hay, but
she's not as radical as LISA. She
doesn't insist that you be energy self-
sufficient, keep flocks of chickens and
sheep, and grow every vegetable the
family needs to survive the winter.
MISA is respectable, yet not such a
prude that she's embarassed for her
man to be seen with a new tractor or
planter occasionally.
No matter how much they paint
LISA up, I don't believe she's going
to attract many suitors. The boys in
the U.S. can even elect her queen of
the U.S.D.A. yearbook, but if all she
stands for is replacing the mechanical
and scientific advancements of the
past 50 years with sweat and a lower
standard of living, nobody is going to
want to marry her.
Maybe a lot of us did flirt a little
too much with HILLA, so much so
that we hurt our reputation. But that
doesn't mean we should have to go
back to totally diversified organic
farming to make amends. I suggest
that we apologize to MISA for stray-
ing, promise we'll never do it again,
and hope that she'll take us back.
If this isn't good enough for the
critics of today's agriculture, then I
suggest we let them STARVA. This
is a marriage where they can exper-
ience the Sweat and Toil Associated
with Real Virgin Agriculture, and go
and produce their own food.0
(Mervyn Erb is a professional crop
consultant located in Brucefield,
Ontario.)
32 THE RURAL VOICE
i