The Rural Voice, 2000-02, Page 8TK)
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4 THE RURAL VOICE
Gisele Ireland
Men need to be kissed more often
Heart -shaped chocolates and red
roses are a trademark of the
"romantic" month. There is, in my
opinion, a gross oversight in this
hype. There is
something very
extremely
valuable to give
and you can't
buy it. The kiss.
It is the most
universal gesture
of affection one
human can give
to another.
For the kiss
to work its
magic, it has to
be given at the
right time and
appropriate place. If it's technique
you're after, I'm sure there's a how-
to book out there somewhere. Look
for titles such as, "KISS YOUR
POUNDS AWAY", or "LIPS ...
ONE APPLICATION ADDS
YEARS TO YOUR LIFE", or
"LIPS, GOD'S SECRET HEALING
WEAPON".
Kisses lose their potency if just
scattered around indiscriminately.
You have to really mean it and do it
with zest. Precautions should be
taken for safe kissing when the flu is
running rampant.
Men need to be kissed more
often. It makes them very mellow,
manageable and often astounded
when they get one. There's three
types of kisses for the love of your
life. First there's the peck, which is
really just a promise for more if he
does better next time. The other kind
is the one you blow at him which
could be a sign of displeasure or you
just don't want to leave red tracks all
over his face as you're going into the
funeral home. The best kind is the
full body embrace with a meeting of
the lips. When this kiss is over your
eyes are glazed.
The first kiss should occur right
after awakening. It's a gesture of
thanks to God that you're still on the
right side of the grass and a
salutation that puts a warm slant on
whatever happens that day. Other
reasons for kissing your man could
be any of the following:
1. He's fixed the dripping faucet
without you ever mentioning it.
2. He sees you drive in with a
carload of groceries and comes
trotting over to help you unload and
put them away without you having
to use your famous Alps Yodel to
get his attention.
3. He comes in for a meal on
time. This is worth two kisses if
you're serving something that will
taste like recycled diapers if you
reheat it.
4. He stops work early to make a
meal when you're feeling down and
does the dishes afterwards.
5. He suggests going out instead
of watching the hockey game. This
is worth a lot more than just a single
kiss. On the other hand, any man
who watches two hockey games in
succession should be declared
legally dead.
6. A real toe curling kiss is in
order when he compliments you on
your appearance and you're wearing
the colour he hates the most.
The last kiss of the day is very
important. This kiss should tell a
man you're glad his dirty clothes are
in your clothes hamper and not
somebody else's. This kiss has no
limitations. You can go as far with it
as your age and flexibility allow.
Once you've "kissed" your way
through February, you'll find you
don't want to stop and there's no
reasonyou should. Kissing has no
cholesterol, is low in fat and there's
no tax on it. The interest you earn
with a kiss can be put in your
marriage portfolio and the returns
are awesome. Now get to work and
practice, practice, practice.0
Gisele Ireland, from Bruce County, is
an author of several humorous books
on farm life.