The Rural Voice, 2000-01, Page 8i
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4 THE RURAL VOICE
Gisele Ireland
Super Wrench's ways to survive Y2K
Plans for the New Year's
celebration used to be a fun thing.
You plotted for a sitter, saved for a
special knock'em dead outfit and
searched diligently for a designated
driver so you could save your driver's
license. That
doesn't seem to
be the case this
year.
This year,
the upcoming
festivities all
revolve around
a mysterious
bug. People are
planning for a
water shortage.
food hoarding
and basic
survival skills.
You'd almost
think we were
going to be caught in some cosmic
time warp and you'll wake up in front
of a wooly mammoth with tusks the
size of a pickup truck and you left
your spear in the tool shed.
Super Wrench just laughs at me
when I hesitantly bring up the idea
that there might be a kemel of truth in
the truckload of predictions. Super
Wrench has told me over and over
again that you can't fear losing control
when you never had it in the first
place. Trust a Red Green fan to make
his own duct tape predictions. He is,
however, making some survival plans
of his own, and has allowed me to
pass them on, free of charge.
First, there's the axe. Have it
sharpened. With it you can cut a hole
through ice for water. The hole should
be just big enough for a bucket, but
could be enlarged to accommodate a
body needing a bath. This tool can
also be used to chop wood which
when burned in a stove or furnace,
provides heat and a method of turning
raw food into something digestible.
Super Wrench has hoarded a huge
chunk of grating from a weaner deck
in the pig pen to balance pots on and
was welded a nifty handle on the end
so it slides in and out without burning
your pinkies.
The millennium gurus say the
glitches will last 72 hours. No one
starves to death in that time, but if
hunger is gnawing at your vittles,
there is a solution. Cut a chunk of
garden hose and find a vehicle that
was at the gas pumps prior to the hour
of darkness and suck hard. When you
have enough, become a road warrior
and try to get some unsuspecting
woodland creature to run out in front
of you. Better yet, take a drive where
deer are known to be plentiful and you
might get one to come right to you,
via the windshield.
Super Wrench is positive that the
second week in January will yield
unbelievable bargains. There will be
an avalanche of generators, real cheap.
Blankets, portable water tanks and
canned Klik and Spam will sell for
pennies at yard sales across the
country. Even cheaper will be the
"How to Survive the Y2K Bug"
books, videos and framed diplomas
from their expensive courses. Duct
tape will remain at its present price
level, as will axes. They always come
in handy.
Our children have big plans for the
New Year celebrations and so do
Super Wrench and I. They're going
out, and we're staying in, with six
grandchildren to help haul water and
wood. Super Wrench has already
figured out what to do to keep us from
getting bored if there's no juice in the
wires. If we get tired of playing board
games, he's going to teach us how to
make wonderful things from duct
tape, used light bulbs and old tires.
Have a Happy New Year, and Super
Wrench says, don't forget the axe.0
Gisele Ireland, from Bruce County, is
an author of several humorous books
on farm life.
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