Village Squire, 1979-08, Page 28McGILLICUDDY'S DIARY
Village Squire presents the exclusive
feature: the diary of Ezeklal McGillicuddy,
police chief of the village of Hamhocks,
Ontario. Well known for his courageous
battle against the forces of evil, Chief
McGillicuddy has agreed to give exclusive
rights to his diary to Village Squire ... for a
princely sum of course. Each month we
publish a selection of entries from the
previous month.
JULY 1: Well the big holiday has passed
pretty quietly here this year. Since the
Mayor's disastrous attempt to celebrate
Canada Day a couple of years back when
the horses drawing the steam calliope in
the parade took off down the street
wrecking store windows and the Mayor's
attempt to turn a profit on the whole affair
he's been very unpatriotic whenever
someone suggests we should be doing
something more than heading for the
beach on July 1. 1 think he voted for the
Conservatives just so the Liberals wouldn't
be around to offer any more tempting
grants for Canada Day celebrations that
might weaken him.
JULY 4: Got to do something about my new
summer assistant Lotta Lumpy. Since the
girl came to work in my tiny office I've
been spending a lot of time out patrolling.
There just isn't room enough for two of us
in that office.
The problem is that when I'm out on the
street I can get into trouble too easily. I
mean if I hand out parking tickets to the
wrong people I could get in trouble. If 1 get
too trigger happy with stopping people for
speeding I could get the population all riled
up and they'll take it to the town
councillors and they'll jump on me. And
then there's the town council's new energy
conservation policy that says I can only
spend $2.50 a week for gas for the
cockroach. So I've been making Bea's
West End Coffee Bar my secondary office
these days but after a month of Bea's
horrible coffee and stale donuts I just can't
take it anymore. Either Lotta's going to go
or my stomach, I don't know which. I've
got to be careful how I do it though. The
Mayor's not going to be too happy to
unhire his daughter.
JULY 10: I see down in the States they've
had a battle between two motorcycle gangs
and they say it all started up here in
Canada. Seems one gang was intruding on
the other gang's territory and they decided
to teach them a lesson.
Well I don't know much about
motorcycle gangs but we have our own
gang warfare these days. Seems there's a
bunch of kids over on the east side of town
26 Village Squire, August 1979
who were getting bored with their holidays
already and decided to organize a gang of
their own. Well that was fine especially
since it was a pretty harmless bunch of
kids.
But yesterday the boys made the mistake
of going down to the river at the north end
of town and they found an old shack on the
island by the old mill dam. Turned out to
be the "clubhouse" to the Hill Street Gang
who aren't such a harmless bunch of kids.
The Hill Street boys stole the North End
gang's row boat and left then stranded in
the middle of the mill pond and whenever
somebody tried to swim to shore they
pelted them with rotten turnips from the
turnip factory. I finally had to go up and
rescue them about midnight last night after
I had some phone calls from some worried
parents who wondered where their kids
were. I had to fight off a few turnips
myself. When I took my uniform into the
dry cleaners this morning they almost
refused it.
JULY 15: Situation with Lotta's getting
desperate. Not only does she make my
office crowded, she makes it a mess. The
girl may be able to split the atom someday
but when it comes to filing, she doesn't
seem to know A from Z. Tried to find some
traffic violations for a court appearance
today and it took me half an hour.
Something's got to be done soon.
JULY 20: Well I came up with the solution
to my problem. Starting Monday I'm
going to put Lotta to work tending the
parking meters. The council is always after
me because I don't hand out enough
parking tickets anyway so 1 should be able
to keep them happy and get my office back
at the same time.
JULY 23: Not a good idea. Lotta handed
out lots of parking tickets today but 1 don't
think the town council is going to be too
happy about it. She ticketed every car on
main street that hadn't put money in the
meters. That includes nearly every
merchant on main street because they
never put money in the meters. It also
included two councillors.
Boy am I in trouble. But the Mayor's in
even more trouble.
JULY 25: Went up to Blyth to see the
opening of that play they did about me. A
lot of the other police chiefs were there
too. Not bad really. One real booboo that 1
could see. If Cindy Lou Quagmire looked as
good as the girl who plays her in the play I
could even stand her cooking. Having a
next door neighbour who looked like that
would certainly improve the neighbour-
hood. Probably they couldn't find an
actress who looked as bad as Cindy Lou.
JULY 31: Said goodbye to Lotta Lumpy
today. She's going to take the rest of the
summer off. I think the Mayor felt it would
be better to fork out the rest of her tuition
for school rather than make any more
enemies along main street. He might want
to get re-elected. Besides. Lotta really
added insult to injury on Friday when she
gave a ticket to her father when he parked
in front of the town hall to visit the town
clerk's office.
••
�.j Your heart works
harder when
eiyou're not in the
game. Get fit —
and turn the
CU, �clock back.
i , Fitness is fun.
Try some.
E
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