Village Squire, 1979-03, Page 42P.S.
If you think you've got it tough, how about
trading jobs with a politician
BY KEITH ROULSTON
"You think you've got troubles! How'd
you like to switch jobs with me?" My
friend Herman Billingsky, the politician
asked, a pained look on his face.
Now personally I've never thought of
politics as being that tough. The pay's not
too bad and there are a lot of fringe
benefits.
"Fringe benefits!" he nearly shouted it
at me. "Some fringe benefits. You mean
those free dinners my wife and 1 get invited
too? Well let me tell you those turkey
dinners might be nice once in a while but
three times a week is a little ridiculous.
And as for free, usually I've donated at
least 525 to that group for this or that
worthy cause before I get invited to that
dinner. I could go out to a pretty fancy
restaurant for that 25 bucks."
Oh yes, times are certainly tough, I said
with an ironic smile.
"And who else do you know who has to
pay out a lot of money to get a job?" he
asked.
You mean like bribes, I asked?
"No stupid, like campaign expences. It
cost me about 515,000 to get elected so I
could earn 540,000 last year."
Well looks like you still cleared about
525,000, I offered.
"Yes, but I had to keep up two houses
one here and one in Ottawa for that."
How about two wives? I joked.
"Don't even mention that possibility
with my wife around. Political wives get
pretty paranoid about things like that."
But think about all the power you have.
You're shaping the destiny of the country.
"Power, hell. I've got about as much
power as a eunuch in a harem. If I listen to
the people and do what they tell me to do,
then I'm accused of not having a mind of
my own. If I do what I think is right, even if
my constituents don't. I'm an arrogant
s.o.b. who is anti -democratic."
Well, I guess you'll just have to take
the road you think is right and stick to it.
"If you can find the right road. Every
question has at (east two sides and no
matter which way you go you're in trouble.
Take this business of spending cutbacks.
Everybody was yelling that government
was too expensive. Everybody was yelling
that we politicians wanted our finger in
every pie. So I started pushing for us to cut
back our spending and get out of some of
the things we were doing. Well! When we
40 Village Squire, March 1979
cut back defence spending we were
accused of undermining the security of the
country. When we closed an airbase the
entire province where it was located got
madder than a hatter and wanted to hang
the prime minister...and not in effigy
either. So we increased government
spending in the armed forces and
everybody got mad because we were
foolishly throwing this money around on an
army when everything's peaceful.
"How about those artists. When we give
them money half the population gets upset
because were wasting money but if we cut
back even 10 cents in our grants.
everybody on the other side is up in arms."
You paint a bleak picture, I said.
"Then there's issues like capital
punishment. If you vote for capital
punishment you're some kind of savage
but if you vote against it, you're not
listening to the wishes of your constituents.
And abortion: the same people that are
after you to vote against capital
punishment because life is sacred call you
a red neck if you don't agree with them that
there should be abortion on demand. And
of course the people who were all for
capital punishment are suddenly talking
about the horrors of taking life."
So that's why you stayed on the fence so
long and didn't take a stand.
"Yes, and then both sides were mad at
me. And it's one thing to get involved in
what's going on in Parliament and have to
take a stand but people want you to take a
stand on things that aren't even in your
jurisdiction. Somebody wants to kick some
books off the school curriculum and who do
they come to for support? Me, of course. So
the other side wants to g_et the books back
on the curriculum so who do they come to
for support? You guessed it."
By now I had to admit that he did have
some problems.
"Why it's so bad some times that if I go
to a meeting in a blue suit I'm sure that
everybody that likes brown suits is about to
start a campaign to have me impeached. Of
course if I wear brown, it's the blue suiters
who are out to get me."
It sounds like you're getting just a little
paranoid, I annalysed.
"A little paranoid? After a few years in this
job you can get to be more than a little
paranoid. It's gotten so bad that I hate to
make a choice between the breaded veal
cutlet and the fish and chips in the
parliamentary cafeteria."
Well, I said, if it's all so bad why don't
you quit. There is an election coming up
you know.
"Yes. but if I quit, half the people will
accuse me of being a quitter and the other
half will say I was too chicken to' fight
because I might lose. You see it's easier to
stay and fight than to have to make the
decision to quit."
I wonder how he ever decides to get up
in the morning.
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