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Village Squire, 1978-09, Page 31McGILLICUDDY'S DIARY VWage Squire presents the exclusive feature: the diary of Ezekial McGillicuddy, police chief of the village of Hamhocks, Ontario. Well known for his courageous battle against the forces of evil, Chief McGillicuddy has agreed to give exclusive rights to his diary to Village Squire...for a princely sum of course. Each month we publish a selection of entries from the previous month. AUGUST 2: I'm supposed to be off on my vacation this week but I got called back for special duty. Seems some of the kids in town want to have a rock concert: that's where they sit around on a bunch of rocks in the park and play loud music. Well •Mayor Lumpy had heard about all the trouble they'd had at these things over the years (you know, Woodstock and all) and he didn't want to have any part of it. But his son David was the guy who was trying to organize the whole affair so the show must go on. The Mayor made sure I was around to sort of chaperone. Said he didn't want anybody rolling around stoned at a rock concert. Anyway, I went down to the affair last night not knowing just what to expect. I mean at Woodstock they had hundreds of thousands of people and where'd we put that kind of crowd in Hamhocks. 1 mean there's only room in the park down by the river for about 1000 people. Well knowing Mr. Lumpy Jr. was in charge should have set my mind at ease. I should have known that with a man of his intelligence behind the scheme there wasn't much to fear. David had booked three bands, all with those big speakers about the size of a small garage. I could just imagine the complaints I was going to be answering when those guys turned on their equipment and the _noise started breaking windows all over town. But David had seen to that. He forgot all about the fact that electric guitars need electricity and there wasn't a plug-in within a quarter mile. It was the quietest rock concert in history. AUGUST 6: Well I'm finally getting my vacation tomorrow. It was supposed to be two weeks but with the rock concert and all I'll only be getting a week now. Overtime for the week I missed you say? In Hamhocks? I'm just lucky I didn't have to pay them for the privilege of working the extra week. Anyway tomorrow I can put all this behind me, at least if Cindy Quagmire doesn't get her way. Cindy's been hinting all week how she's in need of a vacation herself and wondering where I'm going. Good lord, one of the things I need a vacation from is Cindy so there's no way I'd take her with me. AUGUST 9: I can't believe it. I've been on vacation for two days and it hasn't rained yet. It's absolutely great here. I rented a cottage and haven't had to put up with Cindy or that darned dog of hers of Mayor Lumpy or anybody from that town for a whole three days. It's almost like being back in the real world. AUGUST 10: Strike out what I said yesterday. I just found out that Councillor Sally Hempel has the cottage two doors up. She just found out I was down here too. I had the bad fortune to whistle at a woman walking by on the beach in her bathing suit. The councillor doesn't look half bad when you don't have your glasses on. Anyway, the councillor was not amused. Seems she's not used to being whistled at. You'd think she'd be flattered but instead she got mad and came up to give her unknown admirer a good whack in the chops. When she saw it was me, well she thought I was just making fun of her. That made her even madder. She spent the next half hour telling me about how immoral I was. Why I probably had a whole pile of Playboy magazines stashed away. I told her I didn't, but I had a life subscription to Penthouse. That didn't seem to make her feel better. After she got through lecturing me on my moral weaknesses she started into everything that was wrong with the Hamhocks police department. So much for getting away from it all. AUGUST 14: Got back from vacation last night and went out to the garden for some lettuce and couldn't believe how much the weeds had grown in one week. Especially one weed over in the corn patch that's way up higher than the corn all of a sudden. It's a strange weed with funny leaves like I've never seen before. I should have done some weeding but what the heck, I'II do it tomorrow. AUGUST 15: What a day. what a day. I was just getting out of bed this morning when there was a knock on the door. I looked out and there were two R.C.M.P. officers. 1 opened the door and politely asked the boys what they wanted and they slapped me on the chest with a search warrant and asked where my garden was. I thought I must be dreaming still because what would the Mounties want with my garden. Anyway. I showed them the way to my garden and said if they were so hungry. maybe I could fix them some bacon and eggs. They took one look at that tall weed in the corn patch and one went to cut it down while the other turned and told me 1 was under arrest ... for growing marijuana. Well it took me about half an hour to tell them that 1 was a police officer and I wasn't growing anything but corn, lettuce and a few tomatoes. I finally went into the bedroom to get my identification out of my pocket to prove who I was. They followed me in and when they saw my service revolver hanging over the bed post they thought I was trying something funny. Boy when I get hold of the smart aleck kid who planted that marijuana seed in my garden and then sicked the Mounties on me, he'll be guaranteed a lifetime of parking tickets. HURON '78n= HURON COUNTY (Area Code 519) INTERNATIONAL PLOWING MATCH September 26 - 30, 1978 • I** NAL pC Oh, A.<vQ �AtW�T1�.� 2P .4*. rroi.. • 1- -- -� x ma • O 94, "7 MACHINt'. On the Jim Armstrong and neighbouring farms one mile east of Wingham, Ontario on Highway 86. 1)G. 30. VILLAGE SQUIRE/SEPTEMBER 1978. Jk.