Village Squire, 1978-02, Page 417
McGillicuddy' s Diary
Village Squire presents the exclusive
feature: the diary of Ezekial McGillicuddy,
police chief of the village of Hamhocks,
Ontario. Well known for his courageous
battle against the forces of evil, Chief
McGillicuddy has agreed to give exclusive
rights to his diary to Village Squire...for a
princely sum of course. Each month we
publish a selection of entries from the
pre%ious month.
JAN.1: I feel absolutely miserable this
morning. What a headache. 1 guess I'm
right in there with everybody else in town
that way, but at least they had fun getting
their hangovers. 1 got my headache from
trying to keep them all from killing
themselves on their way home from their
parties. Most of them are. all right giving
me a bit of a hard time but nothing serious.
But when I stopped Hank Wilson after he
nearly drove through the front door of the
town hall. he got mad and said I was crazy
because 1 thought he'd been drinking. I
just asked him to let his wife drive him
home but he kept insisting that he hadn't
touched a drop and I was infringing on his
rights. When I insisted he couldn't drive he
really got mad and hit me over the head
with his empty Black Velvet bottle. By the
time I came to, he'd driven off right
through the hedge by the cenotaph.
1 really wonder why I worry about these
guys' satety year atter year. I'd be better
off to leave them alone and hope they drive
quietly into a tree so I won't have to worry
about dealing with them next year.
JAN. 4: I decided to take back Cindy Lou's
Christmas present today. I figured by now
she's have stopped spying on me to make
sure I didn't take it back. I sneaked it out in
a garbage bag just in case she was
watching out her front window. 1 know the
thought was nice but somehow I really
don't think I want a pair of red silk
pygamas. "1'm ready when you are"
written across the front. especially when
it's Cindy Lou who gives them to me with
this devilish look in her eye. 1 think I'll use
the money to get a new hacksaw I need.
JAN.9: The Hill Street Gang has been at it
again. Seems some of the boys were
watching a movie the other night about
highjacking a truckload of furs and it gave
them an idea. When Eddie Murphy parked
his ice cream truck outside the Buttercup
Cafe to go in for a coffee, they hot-wired it
and drove it off to an old barn at the back of
one of the boy's property. Eddie didn't
know what was going on when he came out
and the truck was gone. He thought at first
it had rolled down the hill and into the river
but when we checked the river there wasn't
even a crack in the ice. I must say it had me
completely stumped. 1 called in the
provincials and they couldn't figure it out
either.
I got my first clue the next day though.
Mr. Treadmire, the public school principal
reported that mysteriously, half the boys
in the grade seven and eight classes
missed school on account of sickness.
Moreover when I checked it out, all those
missing came from the Hill Street area of
town and most were on my list of known
associates of the Hill Street Gang.
I visited a few of the homes and found all
the boys had a bad case of green around
the gills and none of their parents had any
idea where they could have caught it.
Then I got a tip that somebody was
fencing ice cream at half price, door to door
no less. The boys made a mistake though
when one of them showed up at Cindy
Lou's to try to sell her some ice cream. She
would have bought too but she didn't have
any change so asked me to lend her some.
That's how I caught on. The kid was one of
the younger members of the gang and he
soon spilled the beans. Another case
solved by the intrepid Chief McGillicuddy.
JAN. 12: Councillor Sally Hemple was
giving me a rough time again today. She
came into the office and I was looking at a
copy of Playboy. She got all huffy and
wouldn't believe me when I told her I'd
confiscated the magazine from a 12 -year-
old kid I'd caught shoplifting and I was just
looking through it to be familiar with the
evidence. She said that as a symbol of law
and order in the community I should be
ashamed of myself. Besides, she said,
what did a grown man see in those things
anyway.
I said that I didn't lead an exciting life
like say the provincial police (you'll
remember the story 1 mentioned a couple
of months back about Sally and her goose
pimples being uncovered at a, beach party
the provincials had to break up a while
back). so I just had to get my jollies from
paper, not in person.
She blushed a little and I think maybe
she's suspicious that I know something.
This could be the break I've been waiting
for.
JAN. 20: Cindy Lou's birthday is coming
up on the 23rd. Make a note to have a very
important assignment booked that evening
so 191 have to be out of town.
JAN.27: A big wind blew through today (no
I don't mean the council meeting this
evening, I mean the big storm). They say it
was a corker down in the city though it
didn't do much here. They said there was
glass falling out of the big buildings and
everything. The only falling glass here was
at the hotel where the wind blew open the
door and knocked Harvey Malcolmson off
his feet. beer glass and all. Of course
there's nothing unusual about Harvey
lying on the floor, beer glass and all.
Actually, I felt left out. Everybody was
talking on the radio about this being the
storm of the century and all the heck, it was
just an ordinary everyday storm here in the
snow belt. Nothing like the big blow we
had last January. Or the one in 1971 either.
This was just a minor inconvenience.
Of course I've noticed down in Toronto
anything with more than an inch and a half
of snow qualifies as a storm of the century.
The rest of the province may be buried in
snow but it's not called a storm unless
Toronto gets its two inches of snow. Then
it's a blizzard. 0
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VILLAGE SQUIRE/FEBRUARY 1978, 39.