Village Squire, 1977-12, Page 49McGillicuddy' s Diary
Village Squire presents the exclusive
feature: the diary of Ezekial McGillicuddy,
police chief of the village of Hamhocks,
Ontario. Well known for his courageous
battle against the forces of evil, Chief
McGillicuddy has agreed to give exclusive
rights to his diary to Village Squire...for a
princely sum of course. Each month we
publish a selection of entries from the
previous month.
NOV. 1: Well I'd been looking forward to
this morning to see how the mayor reacted
to seeing the town cruiser sitting up on top
of Garfteld's garage. It was the top
Hallowe'en trick of last night in the whole
county. The kids got a fork lift truck and
put that little bug of a car up on the roof
while I was having a coffee break. Served
the council right for getting me such a puny
little car, I thought.
But as usual. council had other thoughts.
Councillor Harris said it would never have
happened if I hadn't been on coffee break
again. She's got this thing about my coffee
breaks. She told the mayor that all the
coffee shops should be put off limits to me.
I asked her if she'd like to ban the
bathrooms too in case somebody robbed
the bank someday while I was in there.
Sally Hempel said council should take
the money it cost ,them to take the cruiser
down out of my pay. The mayor wouldn't
go along with it. but only after I reminded
him that at the rate they pay me. they
wouldn't get the money back for the next
seven months. And it only cost them $53.85
to rent a forklift to get it down.
NOV. 5: Harriet Moneybank, the banker's
wife is upset because her son Peter got
caught over in a bar in Maitland for
drinking under age. I don't blame the kid.
If I had her for a mother I'd be drinking
too. I'm just glad it happened over there
and it was the provincial police that caught
him. My furnace is acting up and I may
need a loan to get a new one.
NOV. 9: I hear they're putting The
Godfather on television. Lord that's just
what 1 needed. As if the crime in this town
wasn't organized enough already, without
watching the professionals go at it. The
Hill Street gang pulled a little caper the
other day.
They stole the laundry off the line of
Susan Appleby. the cute new teacher
they've got over at the separate school.
Normally I'd think it was some kids trying
to get back at her for something she did to
them in class, but she teaches grade 3 and
from the nature of the crime 1 think this
was done by somebody older than eight
years old: the laundry included all her frilly
underthings...in fact they were the only
things taken.
One of the neighbours had to tell me
about it. Susan may be tough in a
classroom but she's a little embarassed
about such things. I investigated and found
it was the boys of the Hill Street. gang. By
the time I caught up to them they were
fencing the stuff. They were getting $2 a
piece for the underwear from some of the
boys in grade eight. My but kids grow up
fast these days.
NOV. 15: Everybody's making a big thing
today about this being the first anniversary
of the Quebec election. Big deal. 1
remember the time the council of
Hamhocks almost voted to separate from
Canada.
We were having a big whoopup in
honour of 100 years since some homesick
Scotsman stumbled through the bush and
fell into the river down by the falls. He
realized after he nearly drowned in the
undertow that it would make a good stream
to run a mill. And so the town got started.
(By the way the Scotsman became the first
mayor and all the mayors since have been
all wet too.)
Anyway, in honour of the anniversary,
the council was going to , have this big
party. First of all they asked if the
Governor General could come, but he was
busy. They then asked if the leader of the
opposition could come but he was busy
looking after the baby so they got
desperate enough that they finally asked if
the Prime Minister could come. When he
said he'd love to but was tied up. and they
found out he was tied up on a vacation in
Trinidad. that was the final insult.
Councillor Bud Sapling was all . for
declaring independence right away. to
heck with any referendum. Councillor
Hempel wasn't so sure. Her hairdresser is
over in Maitland and she was worried
about having to get a visa to go over there
every Friday. But the final straw was from
Mayor Lumpsy who figures his son might
be in line for a government job at the liquor
store. This independence thing could be
too costly, he decided.
NOV. 27: The big Grey Cup bash is on
down in Montreal. Strange thing about this
town. Ninety per cent•of the guys in town
don't know a football from a shoebox. but
they know a good excuse for a drunk when
they see it.
It used to be that they drank on Friday
and Saturday nights then sobered up for
Sunday but that was when they used to
have the game on Saturday. Now that the
game's been switched to Sunday. they
drink all three days. 1 wonder if the liquor
companies had anything to do with the
change in date?
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VILLAGE SQUIRE/DECEMBER 1977, 47.