Village Squire, 1977-07, Page 33McGillicuddy' s
The Village Squire presents the
exclusive feature: the diary of Ezekial
McGillicuddy, police chief of the village of
Hamhocks, Ontario. Well known for his
courageous battle against the forces of evil,
Chief McGillicuddy has agreed to give
exclusive rights to his diary to the Village
Squire...for a princely sum of course. Each
month we publish a selection of entries
from the previous month.
JUNE 1: Well. well. well. 1 see the council
didn't have enough money to get me a
"real" police car and couldn't give me a
raise this year, but they're putting up a
nice new row of fancy street lights right up
Jupiter Street. Jupiter Street just happens
to have some nice fancy new homes on it in
three of which live Mayor Lumpsy and
councillors Sally Hempel and Bud Sapling.
I don't know about them, but I'm
beginning to see the light.
JUNE 7: The Queen's Silver Jubilee
celebrations are on over in England but
here in Hamhocks the celebration hasn't
been going too well. The Independent
Daughters of the Empire were going to
have a big do but then they found out they
didn't even have a picture of Her Majesty
to put up. Seems a few years ago somebody
sold it at the ladies' annual rummage sale
to raise funds for the society for the
prevention of athletes foot in Zambia, and
nobody even realized it was missing until
now. It was kind of embarassing because
the picture was wrapped up in the only
Union Jack the ladies had when it got sold.
JUNE 12: Cindy Lou Quagmire sauntered
over this afternoon. She was supposed to
be just returning the hedge trimmers she
borrowed but I know the reason was that
she wanted to show off her new bikini. 1
didn't know whether to laugh or arrest her
for indecent exposure. It looked like two
bandaids on an elephant. 1 know Cindy Lou
is trying to attract my attention but she
needs a marketing course. If any food
company used a package that looked like
that, their sales would plummet.
JUNE 17: Another weekend. How I've
come to hate weekends lately. The tourists
live to just zing through here like it was an
interchange on 401. I used to make quite a
killing on a weekend with speeding tickets
and slow the traffic down as well. but that
was in the days before they bought me that
toy for a police cruiser.
Now I just hate going out on patrol. Two
weeks ago I pulled up beside this big trailer
home that was going well over the speed
limit at the south end of town. I flashed my
light and told him to pull over. He started
laughing so hard he almost overturned the
big buggy. Then he stepped on the gas and
just pulled away from me like 1 was
standing still.
The traffic gets busier every week now.
Some people say it's because summer's
getting closer. I know better. I think a lot of
people come through town now just to get a
look at me and my dinky toy police cruiser.
I can see them smiling and laughing even
when the cruiser's just parked in front of
Diary
the police station. I think it's the only
tourist attraction this town has.
JUNE 24: Well school's out and that means
vacation for the kids and hell for me. It
seems to take the kids only about three
days before they get bored silly and when
they get bored my trouble seems to start.
By next week there'll be kids hanging
around the corner by Willy's pool room to
three in the morning. 1 think when the
teachers went on holidays a lot of the
parents forgot that now they'd have to do
the babysitting themselves. I can just
imagine some of the tricks they'll be
playing this summer what with the new
cruiser and all. Lord, if 1 can only survive
this summer I'll never ask for a favour
again.
JUNE 29: I see the Mounties are in trouble
again. Seems they broke into some office
without a warrant and now the politicians
are after them.
Well. 1 know how it feels. 1 remember
the one and only time 1 made an illegal
break in. 1 was patrolling down by the river
by the little swimming pond down there
when young Randy Heckle grabbed my cap
and threw it in the pond. I was going to
grab him and make him wade in after it but
he ran away. He disappeared behind the
bathhouse and when I got there the door
was locked.
I yelled a couple of times but he didn't
come out so 1 broke down the door. Randy
wasn't in there at all but Cathy Lumpsy.
the mayor's pretty 16 -year-old daughter
was and she was just half way through
getting changed out of her bathing suit.
When she told her father, 1 lost my
vacation that summer. I had to buy a new
hat too.
Opefc ion
liferttile
Lifestyle is being healthy
and doing our best to stay
that way. It's taking full
advantage of the pleasures
of life, hut also learning
to repress abuses. It's mod-
eration.
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VILLAGE SQUIRE/JULY 1977. PG. 31.