Village Squire, 1977-06, Page 40McGiIlicuddy's Diary
The Village Squire presents the
exclusive feature: the diary of Ezekial
McGillicuddy, police chief of the village of
Hamhocks, Ontario. Well known for his
courageous battle against the forces of evil,
Chief McGillicuddy has agreed to give
exclusive rights to his diary to the Village
Squire...for a princely sum of course. Each
month we publish a selection of entries
from the previous month.
MAY 1: Well, I got the last laugh on the
council for buying me that little mini -car
for a police cruiser. After the council
meeting tonight the councillors decided
they wanted me to take them for a spin in
the new car so they could see for
themselves what it was like. The major
gallantly agreed to sit in the back seat so
Councillor Sally Hempel could sit in the
front seat.
Now Mayor Lumpsy has never been a
particularly thin man, and in recent years
he's been putting on more weight than
ever. He barely managed to crawl into the
back seat. Then we hit one of the pot hoes
on Hole street, (I mean Hill street), and the
Mayor almost went through the roof of the
car.
We got back from the ride and Sally got
out alright and went to let the major out but
he got stuck. And I mean stuck, I tried to
give him a helping hand out but couldn't
budge him. I had to get a bunch of kids who
were passing by to give a hand...or take it.
And they almost did. I thought his hand
was going to come off his arm before we
got him unstuck. I nearly went and got a
big bottle of vaseline to help him slide out.
Finally he came out with a sound like a
boot coming out of muck. The kids were
stifling big giggles and you could see they
could hardly wait to spread the story. The
Major was trying hard to appear dignified
throughout the whole thing.
I wish I had a picture so I could show it to
the Mayor the next time it comes time to
buy a new car and he thinks of buying a
little cruiser.
MAY 5: Cindy Lou Quagmire was over
tonight, trying to get her old maid hooks in
me. I told her she shouldn't be coming over
here too often; that the gossips in town
might get the wrong idea. I think that was a
mistake. I think she'd like the gossips in
town to get the wrong idea. She may be
over here more often.
MAY 10: Well Mary Filmore got back from
visiting her sister Rose in Vancouver last
night and so far so good. She doesn't seem
to have noticed that the fence Howard
Hillman built while she was away is at least
two feet on her side of the property line.
There's something wrong here. Either
Mary went blind when she was out in the
Vancouver sunshine or she forgot to take
her ugly pills.
MAY 12: Fifi got me again this morning. I
stepped out to get a bottle of milk off the
38, VILLAGE SQUIRE/JUNE 1977.
porch this morning and stepped right into
one of Fifi's calling cards. And in my bare
feet yet. I don't know how Cindy Lou
managed to train that dog never to relieve
itself in her back yard but always on my
lawn. I guess 1 should complain since I
have the greenest lawn in town without
having to work at it but I wish Cindy Lou
could teach her that the porch doesn't need
fertilizing.
MAY 14: Saturday, beautiful Saturday. I
decided to put the garden in this morning. I
don't know why I bother. Every year I work
like hell to work up the ground and plant
the seed and weed the thing and then some
catastrophe hits it. One year it was an early
frost. One year it was a horde of hungry
caterpillars. One year it was a dog and cat
that went tearing through the garden on
their merry way to a fight and left things
looking like a tornado had struck. The only
interesting thing is wondering what
disaster will come this year.
MAY 18: Well it happened. I got a call to
come down to the Lamplight Hotel. They
said there was a big fight going on and I
had to break it up. I took the cruiser and
went down. Went in but everything looked
as quiet as midnight in a graveyard. I
thought I caught the slightest hint of a
smirk br two on a few faces but couldn't be
sure. I went outside again to get in the
cruiser and couldn't find it. I looked down
the street and there it was, set up on the ,
sidewalk on cement blocks, wedged
between a, lamppost on one side and a
parking meter on the other. It must have
taken 10 men to do it...and it would take at
least 10 men to undo it. There was no way I
could get out of this without being the
laughing stock of the town. I wonder if
they've got any jobs for slightly balding
policemen in Siberia.
MAY 23: It used to be called firecracker
day by most people but hardly anybody lets
them off anymore...But Harry Milligan
always makes a big show of letting off
fireworks for his kids and the neighbour-
hood. He pretends to be a real expert at it.
Somehow things got a little out of hand this
year though. Seems a Roman Candle he
was lighting had a shorter fuse than he
thought and went off while he was still
holding the match to it. He jumped back
and dropped the match and it landed right
in the box full of fireworks. Things started
exploding in all directions. Kids started
crying. A rocket went off and smashed
through a neighbour's front window and
started a fire in the shag rug. The fire
department had to come and put it out, but
not before it burned a big hole in the rug
and they poured about 1000 gallons of
water into the livingroom. They now have
an indoor pool. The neighbour doesn't
think it's nice though and they're
threatening to sue Harry.
Ah but it was a pretty fireworks display
while it lasted.
MAY 26: 1 swear the Communists must be
fooling around with the weather. All winter
we had cold and more snow than you could
know what to shovel. Now all of a sudden in
the middle of May it's hotter than it was all
last summer and it's as dry as a Sunday in
a prohibition town. I've been carrying
water to my garden until my arms seem to
have grown a couple of inches. And mark
my words, when it finally does rain. it
won't stop until it turns to snow next fall.
The next time the Indians talk about land
claims settlement we should just give the
whole place back to them.
MAY 30:Well, the long-awaited explosion
finally came. I wondered what Mary
Filmore was up to, waiting all that time
without a fight with Harold. I bet Harold
was wondering too. Well he found out
when ho got back last night after spending
the weekend in Toronto. Mary had the
fence taken out and rebuilt right across
Harold's front yard so he couldn't get the
car in the driveway and so close to the front
door that he couldn't use the door. He had
to climb over the fence and go through a
window to get in the house. Looks like an
interesting summer ahead. ■
FOR ALL YOUR
INDOOR AND OUTDOOR
GARDENING SUPPLIES
AND LANDSCAPING NEEDS
ART'S
LANDSCAPING
Nursery and Garden Centre
Open 7 Days a Week
Monday thru Saturday
till dark,
Sunday 12 to 6.
Seeding
Sodding
and Shrubs
Everything for your lawn
or garden
Bennett St., Goderich,
524-9126