Village Squire, 1977-01, Page 24McGillicuddy' s
The Village Squire presents the
exclusive feature: the chary of Ezekial
McGillicuddy, police chief of the village of
Hamhocks, Ontario. Well known for his
courageous battle against the forces of evil,
Chief McGillicuddy has agreed to give
exclusive rights to his diary to the Village
Squire...for a princely sum of course. Each
month we publish a selection of entries
from the previous month.
Dec. 1: Six days left before the town
council elections. Have to be on best
behaviour until then. No coffee breaks. No
talking for more than 30 seconds on the
street to anyone. No winking at pretty
girls. Until the election is over it's nose to
the grind stone. If I don't, I just might end
up as the main election issue. As it is I keep
hearing rumours that they're going to cut
my pay to save taxes. Huh, they cut my
salary any more and I won't have money to
put in the parking meter. Oh yes, didn't I
tell you. To add to town revenue they put a
parking meter in the lot where the cruiser
sits. The only way to beat it is to be out on
patrol all the time.
DEC. 3: Talking to Fire Chief Michaels
today. He's got his problems too. He got
heck from council the other day for being
too late getting to a fire. Last month he was
in trouble for being too hard on the fire
truck by not letting the engine warm up
properly before he took off. Now because
he did let it warm up they're mad because
he wasn't at the fire soon enough. Glad to
see somebody else in misery too.
DEC. 6:`Election tonight. This ought to be
an interesting year coming up. I once
arrested the new mayor for drunk driving.
Myron Meyer one of the new councillors is
still mad at me because I never caught the
guy who "broke" into his clothing store
one night when he forgot to lock the front
door.
Sally Hempel never forgave me for the
night she claimed there was a peeping tom
outside her window and it turned out it was
just her big Persian cat's eyes shining from
the bushes. She still thinks I made it up.
And of course good old Councillor Harris
is hack to wage her war on me. I don't
know if 1 should just quit now or make it
hard for them. Ah what the heck, I might
as well stay. At least it will give people
something to talk about.
DEC. 10: Caught Mildred Lightfinger
shoplifting in the variety store again. It's
our regular Christmas tradition. Who
knows why she does it. It certainly isn't for
the money because she's got lots. Besides,
who needs 16 pairs of boys undershorts
when they don't even have any children?
Every year Ike at the store and I try to come
up with some cure for her but it never
works. I've given up threatening the gas
chamber.
She certainly has nerve, though. One
yea:• she stole six size 42B brassieres. Ike
knew she stole them but couldn't catch her.
After Christmas she came in and tried to
exchange them for a size 34 (more her
size). Said somebody given iven them to her
22, Village Squire/January 1977
Diary
for Christmas. Ike was so embarassed, he
gave them to her. I mean how do you argue
with a lady about underwear.
DEC. 15: All I want for Christmas is a job
in Florida. This is getting ridiculous this
winter thing. 1 have to come to work an
hour early every morning so I have time to
unbury the cruiser before I'm on duty. One
of these days I expect to get in to work and
not even be able to see the police station.
DEC. 24: Whoops, f6rgot to do my
shopping again. I was so busy the last few
days giving out tickets to Christmas
shoppers that I forgot all about how fast
Christmas was coming. Maybe 1 can do my
shopping this afternoon in between
handing out tickets. The merchants get a
little mad when I give tickets to Christmas
shoppers but I figure, heck we need to get
in on the action too. All the stores are doing
a bumper business so why not us. Besides,
we need a bit more money if we're going to
meet the payment on the parking meters.
DEC. 31: Well, I might as well go home for
the night. I know I should probably be out
on the street looking for drunks but frankly
I've given up. If 1 stopped every drunk, I
wouldn't have room enough in the lockup
for them all. If I happened to stop the tough
drunks, I'm liable to get flattened. If I stop
the lady drunks I'll get insulted. If I
stopped the mayor, I'd likely get fired.
Besides, in this snowstorm that blew up
today. I figure one Tess nut on the road will
make it that much safer. Happy New Year.
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