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The Rural Voice, 1983-12, Page 38OVER THE BACK FENCE A Christmas Ordeal Don't ever fool yourself that Christmas shopping is a quiet time of Yuletide bliss. It is a calamitous occa- sion of chaos and catastrophe. "Let the buyer beware" never applies with deeper meaning than for those who are trampled left and right at Christmas. To avoid this bruising crush of bargain -mad baby bonus spenders around the check-out counters, it is important to rise early and be first in line when stores open. It is your only hope. Leave it till later and you court disaster. The best method is to tackle the big stores early, then branch out into the smaller ones as the day pro- gresses. The Christmas music that added a touch of magic over the years has all but vanished now because some clever research -type has `discovered' (?) that Christmas music relaxes peo- ple and tends to make them browse more than buy. With no nice soft music to lull them, shoppers now go stark raving mad almost to the point of beating each other into oblivion over anything with a discount. Wear protective clothing for front- line duty while shopping this Christmas season. Throw on a bullet- proof vest and football outfit if you have access to them. Even a garbage can lid and a pointed umbrella will do in a pinch as you poke your way about the crowd just trying to protect yourself. You simply cannot function without a Christmas list, so draw one up before you head out. If you in- cluded any sale items on this list, strike them off. They are a waste of time at this end of the year and are sure to be out -of -stock when you ar- rive. Otherwise, the area you're look- ing for will be so heavily mobbed you couldn't break a way through the bargain hunters with an armoured tank. Despite advertising to the contrary, there are few real bargains to be bought just ahead of Christmas. The old rule applies: "prices highes before." Everybody wants a white Christmas. If the snow arrives a little ahead of schedule then so does pandemonium. Unless you plan on doing aerial gymnastics with your parcels, better borrow a pair of ice cleats, the kind you lash to your boots. Do watch wearing them in stores or you'll be waltzing about with half of somebody's carpet fastened to your foot. Never stop for a coffee when you're Christmas shopping. At this time of year coffee shops mysterious- ly operate at half-staff causing big back-ups at the counter. Your legs will likely give out before you are served. If you do manage to last you can bet they'll be fresh out of your favourite donut. You're better off to hang in until you can get home and have a real cup. Avoid sale tables. These are piled high with demonstrator and manne- quin merchandise that won't fit real people, though at any time of day you can see fat people at these tables stretching everything hither and yon in an effort to find something that fits. They never do and neither will you. Supposedly to make gift -choosing easier, stores have what they call standard gifts. Be sure to buy these for people you DON'T like. Included are socks, soap, slippers, gloves, ties, etc. I'm not saying they're not good gifts, they just don't show any special effort on your part. Gifts like this convey that you're only half in- terested in bothering to get this per- son a gift. If that's truly the case why not just settle for a card? Christmas trees symbolize much of what is good about Christmas so try not to go plastic if you can help it. Don't fight over the real ones, though. Somebody has to get the sparse spruce. You'll know you're finished when you've managed to buy everything on your list or when your money runs out -- whichever comes first. Then you can return to your roost and the THE RURAL VOICE, DECEMBER 1983 PG. 37 quiet of a ransacked house overrun with fighting kids, a blaring TV set still pushing expensive toys the stores are out of, and a note from an absent spouse asking you if you'd mind stuf- fing the turkey as soon as you get home. Such is the life of a Christmas shopper. Keep smilin' and try to remember what Christmas is all about. ❑ Tom Maplewood, originally from the Ottawa Valley is a Stratford resi- dent and freelances as a writer of humour. The name, Tom Maplewood is a pseudonym. Resurface your farrowing pens with SWINE SHINE •A long-lasting tough finish solves prob- lems caused by rough concrete floor. •Reduces foot and knee damage drama- tically •Weaners can get traction without skin- ning their knees - no more sore feet in the weaner barn! •Helps reduce infection. •Easy to clean - resistant to chemicals & high pressure washing. •Average cost per square foot - $1.30 Available from: Ray Stock R.R. 1, Stratford 519-625-8800 Cecil Haagsma R.R. 1, Salford 519-485-1279 Waechter Bros. Ltd. R.R. 4, Walkerton 519-881-2327 Alfred Knechtel Painting R.R. 3, Wallenstein 519-669-2638 DEALER ENQUIRIES INVITED All colour Paint Et Chemicals Ltd., 1257 Spears Road, Oakvile, Ont. L6L 2X5 1.800.268.5109