The Rural Voice, 1983-12, Page 38OVER THE BACK FENCE
A Christmas Ordeal
Don't ever fool yourself that
Christmas shopping is a quiet time of
Yuletide bliss. It is a calamitous occa-
sion of chaos and catastrophe. "Let
the buyer beware" never applies with
deeper meaning than for those who
are trampled left and right at
Christmas.
To avoid this bruising crush of
bargain -mad baby bonus spenders
around the check-out counters, it is
important to rise early and be first in
line when stores open. It is your only
hope. Leave it till later and you court
disaster. The best method is to tackle
the big stores early, then branch out
into the smaller ones as the day pro-
gresses.
The Christmas music that added a
touch of magic over the years has all
but vanished now because some
clever research -type has `discovered'
(?) that Christmas music relaxes peo-
ple and tends to make them browse
more than buy. With no nice soft
music to lull them, shoppers now go
stark raving mad almost to the point
of beating each other into oblivion
over anything with a discount.
Wear protective clothing for front-
line duty while shopping this
Christmas season. Throw on a bullet-
proof vest and football outfit if you
have access to them. Even a garbage
can lid and a pointed umbrella will do
in a pinch as you poke your way
about the crowd just trying to protect
yourself.
You simply cannot function
without a Christmas list, so draw one
up before you head out. If you in-
cluded any sale items on this list,
strike them off. They are a waste of
time at this end of the year and are
sure to be out -of -stock when you ar-
rive. Otherwise, the area you're look-
ing for will be so heavily mobbed you
couldn't break a way through the
bargain hunters with an armoured
tank.
Despite advertising to the contrary,
there are few real bargains to be
bought just ahead of Christmas. The
old rule applies: "prices highes
before."
Everybody wants a white
Christmas. If the snow arrives a little
ahead of schedule then so does
pandemonium. Unless you plan on
doing aerial gymnastics with your
parcels, better borrow a pair of ice
cleats, the kind you lash to your
boots. Do watch wearing them in
stores or you'll be waltzing about
with half of somebody's carpet
fastened to your foot.
Never stop for a coffee when
you're Christmas shopping. At this
time of year coffee shops mysterious-
ly operate at half-staff causing big
back-ups at the counter. Your legs
will likely give out before you are
served. If you do manage to last you
can bet they'll be fresh out of your
favourite donut. You're better off to
hang in until you can get home and
have a real cup.
Avoid sale tables. These are piled
high with demonstrator and manne-
quin merchandise that won't fit real
people, though at any time of day
you can see fat people at these tables
stretching everything hither and yon
in an effort to find something that
fits. They never do and neither will
you.
Supposedly to make gift -choosing
easier, stores have what they call
standard gifts. Be sure to buy these
for people you DON'T like. Included
are socks, soap, slippers, gloves, ties,
etc. I'm not saying they're not good
gifts, they just don't show any special
effort on your part. Gifts like this
convey that you're only half in-
terested in bothering to get this per-
son a gift. If that's truly the case why
not just settle for a card?
Christmas trees symbolize much of
what is good about Christmas so try
not to go plastic if you can help it.
Don't fight over the real ones,
though. Somebody has to get the
sparse spruce.
You'll know you're finished when
you've managed to buy everything on
your list or when your money runs
out -- whichever comes first. Then
you can return to your roost and the
THE RURAL VOICE, DECEMBER 1983 PG. 37
quiet of a ransacked house overrun
with fighting kids, a blaring TV set
still pushing expensive toys the stores
are out of, and a note from an absent
spouse asking you if you'd mind stuf-
fing the turkey as soon as you get
home. Such is the life of a Christmas
shopper. Keep smilin' and try to
remember what Christmas is all
about. ❑
Tom Maplewood, originally from
the Ottawa Valley is a Stratford resi-
dent and freelances as a writer of
humour. The name, Tom Maplewood
is a pseudonym.
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