The Rural Voice, 1980-09, Page 40GISELE IRELAN
1
Big is Beautiful
At this time of the year you meet more ladies on a diet than
any other time. There is a definite reason. Try stuffing a size 16
body into a size 14 bikini, or shorts or halter top. Summer
fashions are brief and if you are overflowing at the waistline and
bulge at the legs the only thing that screams in your mind is
DIET.
You don't meet many people who come right out and say
you're fat, just people who remark the last time they saw legs
like that they belonged to Miss Piggy or that your aft reminded
them of a tanker they saw in the harbour. It's usually bad enough
when you think you are fat, but the fact that someone else thinks
so is the cause of many a diet and many a broken nose.
You leaf through any magazine and they usually feature a
"miracle" diet that will help you lose so many pounds in a week.
fhere are more diets around than there are dieters. You have the
choice of eating only bananas and boiled eggs for a week. They
might have to get you out of the trees after you've tried it and
feed you a whole carton of laxative.
You can eat pure protein, or just drink fruit juices or get one of
those dreary 1000 calorie sheets.Any way you approach it, you're
going to suffer. There is a law that says you will always gain with
greater speed than you will lose.
WITH CAUTION
Approach all those weight and height charts with caution. I
find that my ideal weight of 115 lbs. was achieved at age 12 and
will never be seen on the scales again unless we have a seven
year famine. My weight is ideal for a 5'9" model. but
unfortunately I'm only 5' 3" and have investigated several
methods of stretching six inches to save myself from having to
diet it off. So far, no one knows how this can be accomplished,
but weight loss is possible if you eat less. In my terms that means
STARVE, ladies.
Most farm women feed an army of voracious appetites,
especially at this time of the year. Kids after swimming are like
vacuum cleaners; they just clean off the cupboards and empty
refrigerators. Serving the average active person a few lettuce
leaves and a tablespoon of cottage cheese makes for an
individual with a lousy disposition and puts others around them
in danger of being bitten.
Well, you've decided to diet. It is usually on a Monday
because that seems to be the day most people start on a diet. A
lot even last until Wednesday.
You have just fed the rest of the crew fried chicken, potato
salad and corn on the cob dripping with butter. You retreat to
your corner with a boiled egg and a mountain of lettuce just
barely touched by low calorie dressing that faintly reminds you of
laundry bleach with bits of green floating in it. You just have to
ignore all those infuriating grins and knowing chuckles because
they all think you can't keep this up for long anyway. It then
becomes a challenge. You'll show them all.
FIVE POUNDS LATER
One week later, you've lost 5 lbs. You and your husband are
barely on speaking terms because you have developed the
disposition of a rattle snake and the kids are hunting up places to
stay for the rest of your diet. You can now zip up your jeans
without lying on the floor. It was definitely worth it.
You go shopping and buy more anemic cottage cheese and get
some unsweetened pineapple to go with it. You avoid restaurants
because you can gain weight by just reading the menu. The on1y1
catch is visiting friends' places. They always make something
just for "you" and you feel obliged to sample it. Avoid
restaurants and friends. By the end of your diet you won't have
any friends left anyway because of what the lack of food is doing
to your social graces. You snarl and snipe a lot.
The second week is just terrific too. You've now lost 7 lbs. and
more if you can juggles the scales to exactly the right place on
the bathroom floor. There is always a place that will weigh you in
at less. I have scales that weigh 5 lbs. light and 1 wouldn't get
rid of them for anything because they make me feel great.
Make sure when you weigh yourself you remove all your
clothes, even rings and earrings. If you get really desperate for a
weight loss removing the polish from your fingernails and toe
nails sometimes helps. You can now add interesting things to
your diet like maybe eight peanuts for a snack, or a nalf slice of
bread.
A PLATEAU
During the third week you hit a plateau, this is generally
because you body is adjusting to starving and you don't lose any
weight for quite a while. This is the time when most diets go off
the rails. If you can overcome this plateau without breaking down
you've got the diet made.
Usually a frosted chocolate cake or bologna and mustard
sandwiches is all the reason I need to quit because the diet
doesn't work anyway and the rest of the excess on my body is
mire muscle and I wouldn't lose it anvway.
If you continue after this depressing period you can add more
yummy items to your diet like a whole apple. When I eat an apple
I really eat it whole. I leave nothing but the stem and the kids
would sooner watch me eat an apple than watch television. They
think it is gross.
Well, you've lasted the month and you've dropped 101bs.Your
shorts are swinging at the waist and you are contemplating
getting a new wardrobe a size smaller or just elated that you fit
into last year's clothes. You've finished the last of the cottage
cheese and can't look at raw celery or carrots without gagging
and hearing your insides rumble for food.
If you've just planned to lose 10 lbs. you've made it and if
you've planned on losing 40 lbs. you've got three months of this
torture left. Unless you have the determination of a frog trying to
cross the Atlantic, you'll lower your weight loss expectations at
this point and decide that you don't look half bad.
Husbands are notorious for discouraging diets because they
Like you cuddly and it's pretty safe that no one will run off with
you if you remain on the chubby list. They also can't face the
thoughts of another three months avoiding eating out and
invitations to dinner by friends. Your personality has improved
immensely by this time because either you or they are adjusting.
If you are really dedicated to losing weight you will continue and
the rest of us will celebrate with a huge pizza with double cheese.
Then I will subscribe to the magazine Big is Beautiful and
investigate getting stretched six inches further.
THE RURAL VOICE/SEPTEMBER 1980 PG. 39