Village Squire, 1980-09, Page 33McGILLICUDDY'S DIARY
Village Squire presents the exclusive
feature: the diary of Ezeklal McGillicuddy,
police chief of the village of Hamhocks,
Ontario. Well known for his courageous
battle against the forces of evil, Chief
McGillicuddy has agreed to give exclusive
rights to his diary to Village Squire...for a
princely sum of course. Each month we
publish a selection of entries from the
previous month.
To the beach
with Cindy Lou
AUGUST 3: I don't know how it
happened. Cindy Lou Quagmire talked
me into going to the beach today. 1 don't
particularly like going to the beach
anyway. 1 always come back looking like
a lobster. Going with Cindy Lou is that
much worse: it looks like I'm taking a
lobster with me. Actually that's an
insult to lobsters but what the heck the
closest they get to around here is the
tank at the Lamplighter's diningroom
and I don't get any closer to that than I
do to Cindy Lou if I can help it.
Anyway I tried to make the best out of
a bad situation at the beach. I told Cindy
Lou I didn't feel like swimming
especially when she told me her swim
suit did very interesting things when it
got wet. With that 1 told her I was
allergic to water so she went swimming
by herself. First thing I knew she was
screaming for help and flailing around
in the water. The lifeguard took one look
and went back to watching the bikinis so
I had to save her myself.
When I got to her she stopped
screaming and threw her arms around
my neck and held on tight. She kept
gasping as 1 carried her back to the
beach (not half as much as me though)
and kept saying "mouth-to-mouth re-
suscitation." 1 told her I didn't know
how but she said just try my best. I
don't know if I did my best but she sure
gave it all she had. I thought we might
get arrested.
Anyway I managed to get home with
my virtue intact and without a horrible
sunburn for a change. I did get some
stroke though: not sun stroke, Cindy
stroke when she saw me admiring a girl
walking past.
AUGUST 9: So much for a peaceful
Saturday night. Been up half the night
thanks to Harvey Malcomson.
Had a call about 12:30 from some
people living near the Legion Hall
saying they were hearing the most
horrible noises. They thought somebody
must have been murdered. 1 went down
to investigate but couldn't hear a thing
so I came home to bed. I just got settled
in when the phone rang again and
people said they could hear that noise
again. I almost ignored them but went
anyway and this time I heard it myself.
It was coming from over near the Legion
Hall. I got my flashlight and there was
the source of the noise. Harvey was at
the bottom of this big excavation where
they were putting in a new sewer line.
He was on his way home and stepped
out the back door of the Legion and the
first step was a dilly.
It took me about an hour and the use
of a wrecker truck to get him out.
Should have left him there. Maybe
they'd have filled in the hole with him in
it and taken a lot of my troubles away.
AUGUST 15: Went out to do some
gardening tonight. Felt like I should
have had my pith helmet on. Sort of
expected to meet Dr. Livingston in the
middle of the corn patch. Lord is this hot
wet weather turning the garden into a
jungle. If it wasn't for the mosquitos 1
might decide to take a day off and work
in the garden. The mayor would never
be able to find me there if he did come
looking.
There's one delightful thought about
this mess of green growing everywhere.
I have this gigantic pumpkin vine that is
growing over the fence between my
place and Cindy Lou's. Sometimes in
my imagination I can see it growing
over the fence, grasping her mutt Fifi
and devouring it whole. Sweet revenge.
The blankety-blank dog buried one of
my work boots in the middle of my
petunia bed yesterday.
AUGUST 20: Just had this idea about
how to get a little extra to stretch the old
paycheque a little bit farther what with
the town council being so cheap and all.
I picked up this magazine tonight about
some cops in Winnipeg who have been
selling the guns the police had captured
or that have been turned in for safe
keeping. Seems they even sold the gun
of the former police chief.
Well I got to thinking about seven
cases of beer I got last weekend from
stopping cars ready for gravel runs. I
think my conscience might take a back
seat to my bankbook. I mean the beer
would just be poured down the drain
anyway.
AUGUST 21: So much for that plan.
Got to work this morning and the beer
was gone. Thought at first somebody
had broken in and stole it but none of
the windows or doors have been
j mmied.
Figured it all out when the Mayor
dropped in. He'd had a party last night
and ran out of beer so he "borrowed"
this.
One of the things 1 hate about that
man is that he's even sneakier than me.
AUGUST 22: 1 see Jimmy Carter's
in trouble again because of that clown of
a brother of his. Some people even
thought they were going to be able to
use Billie as a lever to get rid of Jimmy.
Too bad the Mayor didn't have a
brother like that. Come to think of it the
mayor's such a clown maybe he needs a
serious brother.
Main Street
BAYFIELD, ONT.
[5191565-2779
VILLAGE SQUIRE/SEPTEMBER 1980 PG. 31