Village Squire, 1980-06, Page 25McGILLI(UDDY'S DIARY
Village Squire presents the exclusive
feature: the diary of Ezekial McGillicuddy,
police chief of the village of Hamhocks,
Ontario. Well known for his courageous
battle against the forces of evil, Chief
McGillicuddy has agreed to give exclusive
rights to his diary to Village Squire . . . for
a princely sum of course. Each month we
publish a selection of entries from the
previous month.
May 1: How do the military boys convince
the government they need a new fighter
plane? I'd love them to give me lessons. I
mean I know they can prove the old planes
are falling apart but that hasn't done any
good for me with town council when I've
complained about the budget -sized police
cruiser falling apart. All I keep getting is
that the council can't do anything right now
with interest rates as high as they are.
Frankly I think their interest would rate a
little higher if it was them who had to ride
in that motorized matchbox.
I haven't even been able to get a set of
new tires for the cruiser since I got it nearly
three years ago. Those little tires are pretty
tired. After all, they're about half as big as
a normal car so that means they have to run
twice as far to get the same distance, sort
of. But when I went to council the other
night about it they told me I'd just have to
make do a little longer. By the looks of
those tires I'm going to be doing a lot of
foot patrol the next while. I wish I'd joined
the air force. Then I could have gotten one
of those nice flashy jets and bombed the
town hall some night when the council is in
session.
•
May 7: Cindy Lou Quagmire is all worked
up about the referendum. She says she has
to do something to keep the country
together. I was about to suggest the best
thing she could do for Canada would be to
go to Iran for her summer vacation but I
kept my mouth shut; she might have gone
and really started a holy war with those
bathing suits she wears.
Anyway Cindy Lou has decided to write
letters to the editors of all the newspapers
in Quebec telling them that Quebec
shouldn't separate from Canada. She's
even going to write the letters in French to
prove her point that we in the rest of the
country are willing to make moves to get
along. After listening to Cindy Lou read a
French recipe off the side of the bran flakes
box the other morning I'm not sure that's a
goo idea at all. Oh well, 1 guess it could be
worse. She could be sending her cooking to
Quebec. That would surely make them
want to get away from the rest of Canada.
May 19: Victoria Day. the holiday named
after the Queen that nobody remembers
except when they want somebody to blame
for all the inhibitions of their parents which
were passed on to them.
Used to be Victoria Day at least meant
fireworks but there's not even much of that
anymore. Today it just seems to mark the
beginning of the summer tourist season.
The problem here in Hamhocks is there is
no summer tourist season, in fact no tourist
season at all. The Chamber of Commerce
had a meeting with the town council about
it the other day. They want council to help
them attract more tourists to town. They
problem is there isn't much here to attract
tourists at all. We haven't got any lake
unless you consider the old mill pond that
is so full of black snakes and leeches that
even the local kids won't swim in n when
they skip school.
Councillor Hemple suggested we might
promote fishing but Harvey Malcalmson
(who somehow sneaked into the meeting
although he's no businessman even if he
should be a partner in the Limelight Hotel
with all the money he's put into it over the
years) reminded the Councillor that there
aren't exactly a lot of fish in Hamhocks
Creek. Matter of fact, he said, about the
only fish plentiful in this town are the
suckers who keep re-electing Councillor
Hemple. At that point the Councillor
seemed to realize Harvey had no business
at the meeting and has him tnrown out.
Uf course they dean t get very tar in their
discussion. They never do in Hamitmcks.
Maybe that's what they should advertise
as a tourist attraction:. "Come and see the
petrified decision makers; they haven't
moved in 20 years."
Actually I'm just as glad they didn't
come up with any surefire scheme to bring
in a flood of tourists. Tourists just mean
headaches for us cops. They go on vacation
to be able to do all the things they can't get
away with when they're at home.
1 think I'm already responsible for
bringing about three quarters of the
tourists we do get. You've heard about
those little towns down in the southern
states where the cops make a business out
of catching tourists on their way to Florida
and handing out big fines for speeding. I
hear people will drive 20 miles out of their
way to avoid some of them. Here people
drive 20 miles out of their way just to drive
through Hamhocks. Some of them just love
to speed through this town and watch me
try to catch them. They get such a feeling
of power when they simply step on the gas
and leave me and my 50 -mouse -power
police cruiser behind in the dust. Gives
them a feeling of revenge for all the times
they've been caught for speeding tickets
elsewhere.
Featuring
• Brigham pipes
• Hudson Bay Mohair Rugs.
• Kodak and Polaroid Cameras
• Biotherm Skin Care Products
• Fidgi Perfume
• Antique Bottles
} Phone 284 - 2690
•Light Fixtures
•Light accessories
& shades
•Table lamps
•Door chimes
•Hood fans
Custom Lighting
JATON
LIGHTING
(E. of Albert Street, Clinton)
Mon. -Sat. 9:30 - 5:00 p.m.
Closed Weanesdays
15 Rattenbury St. E.
482-7919
VILLAGE SQUIRE/JUNE 1980 PG. 23