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The Citizen, 2007-10-04, Page 5THE CITIZEN, THURSDAY, OCTOBER 4, 2007. PAGE 5. Bonnie Gropp TThhee sshhoorrtt ooff iitt A no-brainer My Old Man was a wonderful guy – kind, generous, funny and sweet. But he had one habit that creeped us all out. He ate a spoonful of Vaseline every day. Vaseline. Petroleum Jelly. The goop you smear on babies’ bums to prevent diaper rash. Gaaaaaaaack! Not to knock the product – I doubt there’s a medicine cabinet in Canada that doesn’t contain a tube or a jar of the stuff – but it’s for putting on rashes and burns and cuts. It’s not intended for shoving down your cakehole. An odd unguent is Vaseline, when you think about it. Cheap, odourless – and a century and a half old. We can thank a British-born American chemist by the name of Robert Augustus Chesebrough for Vaseline. Way back in 1859, while touring some oil rigs in Pennsylvania, Chesebrough noticed some sticky, smelly goop adhering to the drilling rods. “We call it rod wax,” a roughneck told him. “Great for cuts and burns.” Chesebrough scooped up a can full and took it back to his shop. Ten years later, he’d managed to get rid of the stinky, sticky components and was left with the colourless, odourless, gel we all know today. “Eureka!” thought Chesebrough. He named it Vaseline, combining the German word for water and the Greek word for oil. Then he waited for the orders to start flowing in. They didn’t. American pharmacists couldn’t have cared less about Chesebrough’s new wonder jelly. He couldn’t even give the stuff away. It was the era of snake oil salesmen and Chesebrough adopted snake oil selling tactics. He went on the road with a chuckwagon full of Vaseline. Wherever he could draw a crown he would deliberately hold his hand over a candle flame, jab himself with a pen knife – even pour Muriatic acid on his arm. When he had a nice, raw wound going he would slather on some Vaseline and assure the crowd that the pain had disappeared and his wound would be healed by the next day. Then he’d hand out free, but tiny, samples. “Where can we get some more?” the crowds asked. “Go to your pharmacist,” Chesebrough told them. “Ask for it by name. Vaseline” They did, and pretty soon the orders were pouring in. Chesebrough was on his way to being a very wealthy, if somewhat scarred, man. The irony is, Vaseline isn’t really any good at curing cuts, scratches and burns. Medical researchers have determined that Vaseline has no curative power whatsoever. What a layer of Vaseline does is keep bacteria out of the wound, which in turn helps it to heal faster than it normally would. Doctors call it an occlusive moisturizer. It creates a barrier on the skin while keeping the skin moist and supple. But that’s just the beginning of the miracle of Vaseline. Got a vintage baseball mitt that’s all dried out? Slather it with Vaseline to make it soft again. Are you fed up with the way those dinky outdoor Christmas light bulbs get jammed in their sockets? Rub a thin coat of Vaseline on the threads before inserting the bulbs. Want to avoid paint splatters when you’re redecorating a room? Swab some Vaseline around the edges of door hinges, doorknobs, locks – anything you don’t want paint on. Any paint that lands on the Vaseline wipes off with a clean cloth. Want to prevent that build-up of ugly crud that likes to accumulate on the top of your car battery? Smear some you-know-what on the terminals. The battery will still work like a charm and it won’t look like the Great Barrier Reef when you open the hood. Hell, you can even catch fish with Vaseline. Just cut up a sponge into little pieces, coat them with Vaseline and thread them onto your hook. Fish will be suckered into thinking they’ve found a blob of tasty fish eggs. And it goes without saying that Vaseline is excellent for diaper rash, chapped lips, rashes and chafes. They must be doing something right – they sell 15 million jars a year. But I draw the line at eating the stuff. In fact, I’ve only heard of one person in the world other than my Old Man who indulged in that practice. Robert Augustus Chesebrough. Ate a teaspoon every single morning of his entire adult life. Died at the age of 96. Makes you think. Arthur Black Conservative prospects dim It’s a feast for the senses. There is noise, good noise, laughter and conversation. There is colour, orange, umber and cranberry. There is affection, hugs and gentle touches. There is aroma, spices and roasting turkey. And finally, there is flavour, rich pastry, wine and savoury stuffing. Thanksgiving has become a favourite holiday of mine. And why not? It’s a time when the blessings we enjoy are evident, from the bounty we place on our table to the loved ones we share it with. However, unlike another special time when good fortune can not be taken for granted Thanksgiving comes without a price tag. There are no presents to buy, no budget to blow. The gifts we receive are the blessings of this life. Thanksgiving comes without the stresses often associated with Christmas. There are no long lines of harried customers, no rush to beat the crowds, no panic to find that perfect gift. The festive time is a massive celebration encompassing many elements, from the Christian significance to the commercial extravaganza it has become. Where Christmas has almost become a season in itself, Thanksgiving is a highlight of a season, focusing on the harvest, our riches and from whence they come. With autumn colours casting a kaleidoscopic palette, Mother Nature blesses Thanksgiving too. As crisp as the crimson reds the fall air freshens and invigorates. As warm as the burnished golds, the October sun holds a final caress, gently kissing cheeks with its fading intensity. Despite its fall appearance, the Canadian Thanksgiving arrives at a time when we can often pleasantly enjoy the outdoors. Family members form teams to tackle a game of touch football. Dry leaves crunch underfoot as hikes burn off those Thanksgiving calories. Our family tends to be of the less ambitious variety. Separated as we are by many miles, the times that bring us together are almost selfishly dedicated to long sits and long chats en masse. And we can be a boisterous lot. We like to laugh — often and loudly. Being in the company of my guy, my kids and theirs is good for my soul. I am in my happy place when I see us all together. I like to sit and just take in everything that is happening when they are home, but also steal some time for one-on-one when possible. This is an awareness that’s ever present. When we attend a wedding together, when a summer day brings everyone home, I find my joy and satisfaction in their lives and in their company. But Thanksgiving is the time to focus on these things. With its very name we are given the intent of the holiday and are drawn to the many reasons we have to be thankful. And I know my list is endless. I have the good fortune to live in Canada, in Ontario. I have a roof over my head, health and happiness. I have a close relationship with my parents, siblings and their families, and have been welcomed by a group of in- laws whose generous spirit is as enormous as their numbers. And as I think about my holiday table this weekend and the ones around it who top my list of blessings I am so gratified and grateful for the abundance of my life that giving thanks is a no-brainer. Other Views This is one greasy miracle What always promised to be a rough ride for the Progressive Conserva- tives in Ontario’s Oct.10 election is becoming a train wreck. The opposition party led by John Tory has slipped to an average 34 per cent in polls, which are not infallible, but signs of its problems are everywhere. There is an old bromide a week (or so) is a long time in politics, but normally this has proved too deep a hole for a party to dig itself out of so close to a vote. The ride promised to be bumpy particularly because many voters still are angry at Mike Harris, Conservative premier from 1995-2002, who cut taxes, weakened services and threatened to punch the nose of anyone who dared cross his path. Tory has had some assets, the most valuable being voters lack enthusiasm for Liberal Premier Dalton McGuinty, particularly because he broke promises. In various polls voters have picked Tory as the leader who is most likeable, most likely to keep promises and has most leadership qualities. Tory also outperformed McGuinty in the TV debate among leaders, making his case more fluently and remaining calmer and more poised. But his policies have not been dramatic enough alternatives to arouse voters, with the notable exception of his promise to fund private faith-based schools, which has driven them away. Tory’s connection to Harris clearly has hurt him and McGuinty has made sure voters know of it. The premier has started most speeches and much of his TV advertising urging voters not to return to what he calls an era of cuts and confrontations. He rarely mentioned Harris by name, but did not need to. McGuinty has pointed to Tory’s assertion he would save big money by making government more efficient and said earlier Conservatives who promised this, meaning Harris, closed hospitals and schools, fired nurses and disheartened teachers. One of the premier’s favourite stunts has been to go to schools and ask students how many teachers’ strikes they have had recently and contrast their answer, none, with the millions of school days they lost through strikes under Harris. Many Conservative candidates have such fear of being linked to Harris they describe themselves as John Tory candidates in their campaign literature and never let the word Conservative get into print. The bigger harm to the Conservatives, which was not expected, has been caused by Tory’s promise to extend provincial funding to private faith-based, including Muslim, Hindu, Sikh, Jewish and Christian fundamentalist schools, which will win votes of some in these faiths, but by no means all. Most people, including many who subscribe to these minority faiths, prefer McGuinty’s argument extending funding would further divide children, when they should be learning to live together and understand and respect each other. Several Conservative MPPs, candidates and party luminaries have disagreed with or expressed concerns at Tory’s policy and his party now has the biggest rift of any in an election campaign in memory. Voters have less confidence in a party that cannot stay united. Tory has to take responsibility for his own policies, but clearly was prompted into this politically disastrous one by the former Conservative premier, William Davis, who should be the world’s number one authority on extending funding to faith-based schools. Tory once worked for Davis and often describes him as his role model and mentor. Davis refused Roman Catholics’ request for funding to the end of high school in 1971 and won an election partly because of it, but later reversed and approved it to reward a highly political cardinal who flattered instead of bringing down the wrath of heaven on him. Davis is so up to his neck in the plan he has offered to head a commission to help Tory make it work, if it ever got approved. Tory is likely to lose this election and, if he does, two former Conservative premiers, Harris and Davis, should get a lot of the blame. Eric Dowd FFrroomm QQuueeeenn’’ss PPaarrkk Letters Policy The Citizen welcomes letters to the editor. Letters must be signed and should include a daytime telephone number for the purpose of verification only. Letters that are not signed will not be printed. Submissions may be edited for length, clarity and content, using fair comment as our guideline. The Citizen reserves the right to refuse any letter on the basis of unfair bias, prejudice or inaccurate information. As well, letters can only be printed as space allows. Please keep your letters brief and concise.