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The Signal, 1897-4-15, Page 6TSE SMINAL : 3ODERIOH ONT.- THURSDAY APR. 1ae 1897. TURNING GRAY Aar Txtai*TEaBD WITH BALDNESS The Danger is Averted by Using AYER' S um **Nearly forty years ago, after •owe weeks of aickneis. wy hair turned gray and began falling tort eo rapidly that 1 was threatened with immediate !baldness, Hearing Ayer's Hair rigor highly spoken Of. 1 comu►enced using this prepsm tion, and teas so well satisfied with the result that I hare never tried any other kind of dressing. It stop. ped the hair from falling out. stimu- tted a Dew growth of hair. and kept the scalp free from dandruff. Only an occasional application is now* needed to keep my hair of good, natural color. I never hesitate to recommend any of Ayer's me•tlicincs to my friends." -Mrs. IL M. HAIGHT. Avoca. \tabs Ayer's Hair Vigor i•!tf:'tl:I-!, I-. y • M. J. C. ATEA dt CO.. ! OMELL. MAKS.. U. S.A. Ap.r'r Swra.p.rlt:d peewees. Pd -epi.., NEWSPAPER STORIES. Te. Tett Last year, white staying at the seaside, 1 made •cqu•intance with two little girls, wbom I met every mooree going for their bathe. One p•rticul•r morning the tide was rather high. and where the little rids stood the welter reached well up to their necks. On peroeivine the, the _counter of the two said to their puree : " Ob, none, pull cut the plug : the Doth too full' r.l.anes et' ■ 'tanner Cures in twenty four hems. Thta io the testimony of tene of thousands who have used It. Putosm's acts speedily, witbout pain, and removes oorns in tweety•four bourn. Mltabtly elevated. In • small watering place on the Firth of Clyde • well known character wen wending he way home in the small hours of the moraine, tipsy as ritual. Suddenly stopping before • lamp post, he shouted : "Come down and open the doer. No answer was forthcnmior, however sed, after shoutiog again and again, be at last exclaimed : Come down here, Molly, and don't be lectin on you're in had, for 1 can see the at- tic window lighted. ' --- Me kord hip. ' A oert•in Irish lord was very vein of his title H. had his coronet stamped on all les be- longIngs, and when travelling in a railway carriage. takes out he handkerchief stamped ie each corner, and spreads it on his knee H. is trendily with an who address him u "lly lord. One day, meeting • man who hal beep poaching, he said to ham : • Von scuuodr.l, have you been po•chinv ea my proper! y' " I think not, my lord," miff the poacher, " I did not neo any coronet M the rabbits. evading. The incident recorded of • cyclist er•ed Ing toil by carryinv bin machine through the gate is not without an •mustog prece demi. J ,the under keeper to • gentleman re- eidiag to Essex, and whit was reported to be the •tronee.t man in the district, was ase day on the roan to Stratford, mounted en his donkey. 0 i reaching a turnpike nab he asked the pikemen how much would be charged tor h:s donkey to walk through. " Twopence. ' was the reply. "And how much do you charge for harry. fine • paroel through the gate. ".'Nothing." said the p.keman. 1 01im W, air ,. cried .1—, aid, qtly BJIEIIMATISM DODD'S CKIDNEY PILLS I have been troubled with Rheu- matism for several months. I ID,u1d scarcely get around. I had tried several remedies, but of no' use. I read of the won- derful cures Dodd's Kidney Pills had done, and purchased One box. From the first box 1 began to get relief. I have used 4 boxes and 1 am cured. I remain, yours, etc., W. H. SiMPSON, Lindsay, Ont. 's Kidney P111s ya Cure Rbeu diemos•Iiog, be deliberately awned under the ani. &1. and, anus' bis fere lent, lifted bum bodily off the gro.ad, carried ht., through the gats, and. remounting, trot ted ea. As Irsbm•a who was • dealer to • email way sod kept • little duskily sad art, come on nae ooa•.lon 10 • bridge where toll wee levied. but to his disappoint/eget he Wised he had sot enough to pay it. A bright Iboo.bt struck him. He an►arema- ed the dookey and pas it tato the cart Thea getting between the shafts himself, pulled the cert with the donkey .tending to It nu to the bridge. lo due coarse he was baled by the toll ooheotor. ,. Hey mon,,' rued the latter, '• whim's yr toll gcrra,- said the Indian, " Just ex the driver Turning the Tahtm. 1e an Auckland (New Zeala.d) paper • girl advert'''. for • eita•tken to take charge of a le&odry or dairy. She can cook under- stand. housekeeping, .ad add.-- " Noce but • respectable mi.trees, who wishes lo Imre her servant in undie:urbed discb•re, of her duties need apply." What a oomDStetloa there mut be among the r.retrsese for the model servant Tb. meal Tues " Tee,' mid the meek -looking man. "lee Do douht voo're bad some great hunting ea• perienoe to your travels abroad. ' •' t have indeed. Buffalo butting-- " Yea" " And hoar hunting •• Of mune.' " Well, you oust come rowed and let my wife take you house Mistier and bargain hooting with bor. Then you'll begin to know what real excitement is' A Celebrated Statile. Many years ago • oertaio F:ngluh baronet, who lived neer the spot where nae of the mom celebrated battles of the War of teed it, ase had boon fought, was preaenged to George III. at • levee. An igtorant man, he knew little (-1 Inc history of comer', and was nonplussed when the King remarked gr•c.ously • " Von Dome from the sosoeof a celebrated battle. 1 understand, Sir William." •' Well, tour Majesty," was the &newer, " 1 did have • round or two with the hack smith : hot I'm very much surprised that your Majesty should have heard of it." Jolla ler Irma. A few years WO two men were convicted of horse -stealing, in the district court. Cha. teao county, Montana. They deserved • matron of ten years imprisonment, but Judge Du hoes let them off with three years. The worse men of the two, suppes• ing that the sentence once pronounced was past revision, oidresed the court : '•I jest want to say. that when I get out von 11 be the fist man Ill come here to kill " "Oh, welt," said the jade.. •' to that case { 11 male it ten years. Then you wont trouble me Ila soon. Hering said this he turned to the other man. „ Is there anything you would like 10 SO ••' Not • single word,- answered the prirooer. Beaten e1 ■is. Ow■ Caine. The amiable young men at the Geoeral Poet Orrice in Rochdale have been the ytc- time ot arrest 'deal of 'neon•ace lately in consr,iuence of • curious addition that bee been made to the (Aide counter. Alone its front for its whole length, • piece of wore nettle. had seen placed, just rimed above the @arfare enough to allow email parcels, etc.„ to he handed render it. Owior to no, the asst tante at the counter have received • good of chaff from cus- tomers Rnt the other day • local legal luminary was effectually seen d. atilt been having In serve I. he asked the me mat at what time the animate Asan to feed. The young mot was equal to the occasion, however, and, handing • few nuts over the oounter, be informed the astonished sone— n-or that be meld commence at mace' D. ar.meted. A Whitat•b!e e•tice-belonging to the order of Mammalia and not of Molin.ca- wes discoureinv learnedly and at great length en the structure and habits of oys- ters. y -ten. His heater, • London visitor, became tired of the oonrersation, and at length in- terrupted with the remark that be knew one fact about the oyeter. " And what's that !" said the native. '• Why' they have well-developed b .ro,," w•r the reply. Thera what the aetentific mea say, 1 0' Drove it, prove it, said the Dative, jealous of the srranger'a knowledge. " Well, they know when t abut up." Exit native. s'.mpr.ml.ed. The following authentic .tory from 1 -ie a - 'hire is as chfracteriatio as it is amusing, end needs@ no comment. .Inck Taylor had been welkin, out with lane Taylor for some time, and an olt,bt he popped the ,lueetion. '• %%til ta have me. Jane'" And .lane replied "I m noon fro p•rtic'lar, .lock." So it was settled, and ,lock wended his way home to hie mother. • widow. Having arrived, he mated himself on • three-legged e• tel-ecoording to oustom- and had • " rood think. ' Presently he hunt out •' Mother. I'm Noe iterate) to be wed," " Tha' arn't, Jock." " Willn't ta let me, mother " Na, ,look, 1 willa't " Thee, of i can't be wed, I li keep • ball Prep' m swdenee, There may he been, on any tweak day. net • hundred miles from Toronto, • poor, blind beggar invariably reading from • book, printed in the customary raised type in- vested for the benefit of the sightless), and usually •coempanied by • dos, whose duty it is to receive for hie waster the elms of the pbil•nthropically isoltn•d. Oa* day, this novel sight attracted the attention of • local errand bey. who stopped sad rased en with •pp•reatly profound e.a..i.bt.eat. A bs.evelent eld gdntl•m•s who happen- e d N be paging at the flute, observing the t.terset displayed ow the hey's rownte.•aoe *waved sad remarked to him • " Well, ley 1•d' trying to leans the per awe *only method .1 timeline. ars you ' ' Ne ' 1 •i.'t," returned the p eriegsee seeks.. llaeeo.ie.dly. Thee, after • peeps, hag ~" Akin your game, rev ser • try*" as e m.k bis deed I" A miney of amens. The aid paallema. wee Ohre the bey ad- visee sus a tnaeb became the bay .41 It, as bows, be bee male Ibbs be brace ekes te do with. and tb• bey might as well hove it. "Joshes, ' bo .aid, be polite to eery• body. Remember y.. ain't age mtllmemee •a' ye omit afford tor pet on tee many im- portant ways. N'.11, 1 alai as sere shout that," was tb. reply. " 1t meow to me thy'• • let of people studio' 'rimed ready ter impo.es oe ye at ye 40.'1 show wine spunk " Y. b.v ter Mar luta of thinks to this 1de Ilia tea week es ooeees. Remember the little buoy bee. H. jest keep. • week's' an' • amain', day fa as' day out_ An' they's mighty few been, I'm given to u.d.ntu'. as can't leek back ste their loves with mi e- taettus, and be p anted mit le the emerhbore as • 1200.05: an•11 bemuse they jos' keens ed • werkn' •u' •-woraue." " That'. so. tether. But there's etre trait of obor•cter 'beet the bee that you sia't dwelt en." ' W bat's that •" •• He don't 'sew seaway ser nit on 'on." It Was Cases ls...., Some years •go 1 was debuts ora the Spey, where no lettere reached cue, and the morn- ing taper wasn't bora yesterday. 1 had first oleos sport and caught bah regularly. The only drawba•k was • apectolly time ealmou from wbiob I aould never get • nibble. For •bout • month I tried eery fly 1 pos- sewd. and still no Dearer my ambition. One moroto gmv ludledy brought me • moos of bar daughter's weddmg•c.k. Iwt se I was starting, and 1 crammed it into my pocket. 11.11, atter trying all my fishing dodge, ort my old friend. I welded together • boll of the oaks with the yellow sticky •1.ff just under the icing, Bred • hook in it, and flung it out. Joy ' 1 bed him in • moment, and • fine tussle as was, with the keeper looking en. „ Who would have thought, Donald, said I, •• he would have taken • piece of wed- ding -cake " Tbey'se aye caaoy, chef, ' remarked 1)ocald, as be threw the tieh back into the river „ He knew yesterday wits clomp I:me ' Oates Istel. An old woman who kept • stall in the market of a provincial town on. day asked the cashier of the :met bank to oblige her with tire inversive. for a Bank of England £5 note, bot being out of temper, he refused to do no. She preened her request for some time, but he remained obdurate. At length she meld— " Well, the fact se, sir, it's like ties. I door like them tarrin noise, but prspe you Ii anyhow give me one me one of your good notes for it. Then I shall feel safe like. The unsuspecting cashier responded tato the complemedt by handing She old woman one of the note* of boll bank in exchange for the other- She took it and reed shoe-- •' 1 promise to pay the bearer five pounds. "• Now," she mid, " 1'11 thank you to govt me five sovereign. for this note, and if you don't do it sharp 1.11 stand •t the door end tell everyone the beak'. brok e. The cashier brooded ever the money with teeltnrs more easily imarteed than de- scnbed. Hesse. talo I'hs followloe is one ot the few instances on record when Mr. Solomo.s, t1.C. (se we will sell him), of the Supreme Court of , Australia, was, se it 1a popularly termed, " scored off. It happened in this wise. Solomon* (who to by birth • slew, but who has since adopt ed the Cbrutian religion, had gone over with womb friends to see Mr. Saunders, the Crown solicitor, oo a matter of busieeo and. as wen invariably hie custom, began chatting the portly Saunders about his dress, which, though as • rule slovenly, was on this ocwion muobh more me than ever. " My dear fellow.- exclaimed Solomon.. " it is quite disgraceful that • man in your poettsen should appear on such & verb' Look at that coat and that waistcoat . And, gentemeo, I beg of you to examine those trousers ' Saunders listened to this, and • good deal more, with an admiring smile, and, ea the exoit•b'e little (1 C. finished, said, in envy tog tones : sly dear Solomon*, what gen eye yon Jews have for old clothes 1" L•agbt.r in Court. The nn000tcious display of humor is well illustrated 'a an anecdote related of an Irish lawyer who had • point in his argu- ment ruled out by the judges. Turning to the bench he blandly exclaimed : " If it pleze the coort, if I am wroog in this wan, i hove another point which is equally cooclooetve.' That the judge* have their little jokes in proverbial. &'though it i. te D• regretted that more of the sayings of them gentle men have not been put on record. le • Scottish court, Lord .lu.4ne Clerks, in- quiring the obese of • juror'. &boses, said : ••Wb•t excise int • brow fellow like him h.e !" Ny lord," uew.r.n the sheriff, "he has lost his mite." •' Has be, indeed'!" .bid the justice. who wag not blessed with the stoat perfect of wives. " Has he! M•t'e • god. eines 1 wish we had the same." With the jury, both oellectively and as individuals, there is otters much fun. One under exasnin•tlen was asked : '• 1)o on know what • verdeot is '" " No, sir ; i never went to a menagerie in my iba" • While the verdict. whioh are sometime. brought la bre ridiculous, they ars, strange to say. .e.•Ily recorded. A Webb jory after • long deliberation gave this : •• Not guilty, but we reoowatne.d the prio- ritise sot to do it •gain.., A winner's jory perpetrated this : W. find that the de.,r.u.d mus to his death by • blew on his bead which was gyres either before or Mew drowning." Hot, perhaps, the extreme ores resohad when, on • orimin•I trial, the jades as►ed the oeuvre, if he anything ten offer fetors ..st..ee was proaosbeed. SeMhe: _ •' No, sir : i did imve f2. brat the byre,. took that " LITTLE BRAVES! 1)1d time • quarter -a -bot " Purgatives" an (gaiting the field le whole banshees Dr Ag.•w'. (.ger Pills at 20o • vial are dri.i., them out at all poises. Hewese they sot 'esti', mere efeeW sly, serer pais, sed are easy se take. !il•k Rud.elre eoeese.M to sae Asea Cereals Os.mibee/ dispelled with else veal sad Stemma el years' steadies aaeslutely eared. 40 deem, 901,at ail dreg - sista Sold by J. L Davit .46 HOT CORN. Knowledge is power, bet the uanecemary display of it m weakest.. le she fealty !" " No ; bat she hoe • pr•ptreoe•ety bask •aoease." " Nies umbrella, that. What did 11 noes you . " A guinea. What did yours eget •' Oh, lust • little effort." Brief. - He (readier) • " • And se they were swrn«1 That le the way all love atebes sod. Sbe, " Yes, they des't burn long." Peedeaai• Whim a desirable thing It ie to have • friend con osa *rust. Warrington Yes ; or one that oats treat you. _ - 5be You know you would be iust as happy if you dlt:a't kw no He But do you sot se i am selfish eo• out i to think only of self' His l'omeal•tioo. - . Did you vee kaodeome Chrifonse prtrint from ybur rich 0001' B (hopefully): "Nu, But site wrote and told me that she wam't feeling very well." Lon- I can't decide on a Christina. gift for Arthur " 1Mrs-1;ere him _yourself. Dora --He made me promise not to give him an expensive present. A French newspaper recently published taw following oaten* advertisement : Ernest / 1I•, et I't&mbout, inventor of the spring toppers, oottfiue his customers that he has nothing to oomrcon with his name- s& kr, Emile ZoIa,wnrer. --- A-The essential element in • present is the surprise it noses to the recipient. ft -Teen the present I got for my wife will be an emtnently su.-csunful one. She thinks 1 am going to give her a gold watcb, but I have bought • silver glove buttoner for her. Very Different. --" 1t'. • gond thing to have a emotion memory," said Fags. • rest depends,' said Fogg- " 11 the memory is yo'trs it is • very good thing, as you my ; tut if it happens to be the proper ty of your wife, that's another matter. Itest-Burglar- Moho Jim' Why, you look •e it von had been in • railway acci- dent stone I saw you last. What'. wrong' Si000d Burglar -1 got into • house wrote We woman was w.itan' up far her busband, et she mistook me ter him. Financial Item -A -Do you write it Christmas or Xmas B-1 wrote it 'hrtetmee before the day sad Xmj. &fterw•rde.'' A rhat moires strange. ' B -Not at •11 : one generally gets shorter atter l'brutmea. Fur Young Girl -Oh ! I lore to hear you read your poems. It snakes me realise how bravo too are Poet- Itr.re Girl-Yse,brave : you mid you took them yourself to the publishers." " Here ynu anytbtnv to say before *oc- tane i. pronounced •g•ttet you asked the Judge. • The only thing I'm kiokin' about.- an- swered the convicted burvl•r, " is bort' identified by • mat that kept hie bead under the bed-clot/Its the whole time. That's wrong. ' It 1900 -•• Frederick," amid she, "dor.'t let the baby stand alone." '• Why, she's old eoouih to leant to walk." ,. Old enough to lest° to weik ' Why, .1-. b•m't erre ►.•cued to ride a bicycle yet. Youthful Author t ori, . has dropped into the theatre before the performance) -What are von doom, opening them doors ' Atteod•ot-The manager told me that your piece wait to be plotted to.ight, and bs wanted all the exit doors open on case of • mak. 1'he youth had meds a request for moony. For what?' demanded he (*Aber. " 1 wane to vet • golf sun,' he replied. Noumea. ' You don't need one." re- turned the old man " 11 simply rutss hie school clothes to play golf in them," eurgeeted his mother. "And a fellow can't walk m well is trous- ers. ' added the led. ' No one w.nte yen to," retorted the old moo " 11111 1 dea't nee why you o•a'I borrow your ei•tn,'s .v ' AXES TO GRIND. 1"0 TH■ MAX. When • diem coarse up slyly And proceeds to natter you -- Tells you that your work 1s graadt 'Lha■ rear rival e'er can do- t bow doves to her In warship. Thn ieb you may be so Inclined. Tor, per,•.hasee- there le no telllsg- nn. may have an ■ze to triad TO Testi MATRON. When the Almoner whispers to you Worths tbat set your brain awblrl--• till. ynu tl•it you look so youthful And rose as a girt. 1)o sot listen do not suffer miss to captivate your mind, goer bb, (-benne are, gad wanes. That there Is an axe to grind: To THE YOiUTH. When a world -Irmo woman tells res That you ars a "beanie's mane' That she wlattoo to forget you, (Hitt, • eh, that she never ton," a Thee, deer boy, gest up and sccamper-- I'rer for wino to tdtare the wIsd, ger 'tis certain that there's some este with • gleaming axe to gnat. A R.n..rkabi. nor The Y'reetrtt Academy of 9detntp. In ma 1729. examined the on of a French lad, (isle 7 yearn old. who, ti all rr- epe.•t., stave that of IntNlig•ne-. was the equal of a map of 20. His trmart- aMle physicist developm.'nt tte;txn when he wan 2 yevw old: at 4 he could do the f► n wnri of a tiny ,;f 15 or le, and at 7 he waw a fully gni-own mart. Although hie physique wee tette remarkably de- veloped. hit Internet n.oe was no great- er titan that of ehlldren tri the eams ego He died tw'frw;• he was flu As 1a usual In mush mere of premature dc- veMpme'Itt• his atrt¢glh faded ewer and he became prr.ii tar-Iy t•!d before other men wouM atttln maturity. handier. the terminus of the Atone. Tao tr.-sole was to ver and the hoer Boated within thirty rept or *h. ground. The sues., was almowt levet and ex- cept for the Impetus given further h.rk, theme would be very little modott to th. water. OraditeJly the *ow 0.5.. M and the exalt and its pSlmwtgen moved est a wwlleing pace up to 10. dine*ut or the lumber t•oi.epany's tee Wills. A workmen ttMs d one rade ail the boat •.d bold it tubes tie MOM till - ambertaiL . $1$t500 WA .BICYCLES AN* WATCHES /10‘W41411•SciAPAPPE During the Year 189T. For full particulars see a.lvert•xu,ents,apply to •I'ER MOs., LTi., :2 Siert *T.. TUU r0 i 1e+e=1.11.A0 ..COAL.. always on hand. The Best and only Scraton Cowl in this market. Ilard, Soft and Black- smith Coal always on hand. All Coal weighed on the market scales, so that you are sure of Good Measure. 'M. LEE. or Harbor Quay. ILAIItPZ$ & LIZ'S store. EPPS'S COCOA ENGLISH BREAKFAST COCOA Possesses the followmg(ut.tlnctirs Merits Delicacy of Flavor, Superiority m Quality, Grateful and Comforting, to the nervous or Drew pile, Nutritive Qualities Unrivalled In Quarter -pound Time o-•Iy. JAMES arra t to. Ltd., Mesw.p.thlr thematic. . L..Nn. IptiWd. Wes! End eat Market WF,BT-BT_ The undersigned has opeoed • ]teat Market in the store on Nest .t between ('antelou'e Bakery and the Poet OISee, where a ('hole. Selection of Heats and i'cultry will always h. found. Orders regularly called for. and de liveries 'wade promptp. fa•'Leaye • trial order please. W. W. GREEN. 1 STEAM BOILRR WORK$, A. S. CHRYSTAL, Inemenrr UA►pss.1 • mam masstaot•rer of all made a< BOILERS, Smoke Stacks, Halt kiwis, Sheet Ilep Works, etc., etc., Aad Dealer Is- Itagtaos, Machinery ('allay, te. All sires of {tips and Pipe Frenzy's, Steam and Water (:aures, Globe Valves, Check Valves, !aspirators, Fjeeters and 1a- Constantly os. Hated at Lowell A "pseud line of Steel Water end Hsi Trough" for age of !arses and others. Repairing promptly •tteuded te A. 3. CHRYSTAL. 211h -h 1'. H. Hoz 17, p nderioe. Gold is King Plant tw bons chunk with Steele, Briggs "filth Grade" deeds, .sad by leedieg dealer.. Ask t -r ttemi. Sett airs -stun -ht. GOLDEN RETURNS CATALOGUES INDIC The Steele. Briggs Seed Co. I-uRuv 10, ON t. memme PLANING RILL. 1 EST*OtUS11E0 IOLS. lluchaiiaiis & fihyirns reit v,•orv.on SASH, DOOR and BLIND Dealers to ell klada sr LUMBER, LATH. SHINGLES Aad balldaos material of every desi-rtptaes School Furniture a Specialty. WE MAKE - Sewer and Culvert Pipes All Nam fMw 4 In. I. tat in, ale tonueetle,. WRITE FOP PRIOES. THE ONTARIO SEWER PIPE CO 001 ADELAIOni •T. E., *Apia., env mesa TORONTO Give till Baby a Chance The only food that will build up a weak cons- titution gradu- ally but surely is Martin's Cardinal Food a simple, scientific and highly nutritive preparation for infants, delicate children and invalids. 'MINT WATSON a CO., eee.a,eyeee. ateenweat Or_ W W. 7'1-102‘21=n301NT Strode ibealer, hes mods err areal the armee, feorr�the sm oo and •bio prettiest sl the W e mat • (ENE has turn 4 ilii•. =rich will he • cls. err lettee GI the the Comma" Svc& MY OPENING DAYS FRIDAY and SATURDAY, Feb. 26 and 27, and Mar. 5 and 6 when 1 hey. to serine a large share of the patronage of tibderisar ani rarrwtr.dle, o •try 1 will have Wbrels or ether mskees so thee 1 eta emit all seiner.. WltatT ROODS mil H()' RYT PRICES Is my melts. N• charge fee keteptag Is repair tat eau tear. ptttlreskre bene lad iry.t THOMPSON'S MUSIC DEPOT veleta sed. eg IoW., Aak your Drugging fir A Wonderful Tonle and 112"'VIIRemedy Oaf Weak and Impure 111044M kldnsy and Liver TtiI dge& •••al.e•••. es 4. 11. raelsao..../s1.o Itt1f ^