The Huron Signal, 1881-06-03, Page 3THE HURON SIGNAL, FRIDAY, JUNE 3, 1881.
Pty W*.t
A &TOBY ■T NARK TWAIN.
h,ya�sautif ul now watch had run etght-
t sinathn without losing or gaining,
and, without breaking any part of its
machinery or *topping. I had dome to
believe it to be infallible in its judgment
about the time of day, and to consider
its constitution and its anatomy iutper-
ultable. But at lwf„ one night, 1 let it
ran down I grist about it u it it
were a recognised nesse and fore-
runner of Calamity. But and by I
cheered up, set the watch y guru and
co tended my bodiigs and superstitions
to depart. Next day I steppic] into the
chief jeweller's to set it by the exact
time, and the bead of the establishment
t.iok it out of any hand and proceeded to
set it for we. Then he mid, "She is
four minutes slow - regulator wants
puahwg up."
I tried to stop hint -trio l to make hen
understand that the watch kept pe.lect
time. But no; all this human cabbage
could see was, that the watch was four
minute. slow, and the regulator must be
pushed up a little; and so, while I danced
around him in anguish and bes:eched
him to let the watch alone, he calmly
and cruelly did the shameful deed. My
watch began to gain. It gained faster
day by day. Within the week *it sick-
ened in a raging fever, and its puke
went up to • hundred and fifty in the
shade. At the end of two months it had
left all the tithe-piewe of the town far
in the rear, and was a fraction over
thirteen days ahead of the almanac. It
was away in November enjoying the
snow, while the October leaves were still
turning. It hurried up house rent, bills
payable, and such things, in such a
rwnons way that I oould not abide it. I
took it to the watchmaker to be r3gt -
lsted. He asked me if I had it repairer'.
I said no, it had never needed repairing.
He kicked a look of vicious happiness,
and eagerly pried the watch open; then
put a small dice -box into his eye and
peered into ita machinery. He said it
wanted cleaning and oiling, beside. regu-
lating -come in a week.
After being cleaned and oiled and
regulated my watch slowed down to that
degree that it ticked like a tolling bell.
I began to be left by trains, I failed all
appointments, I gut to mining my dinner
my watch strung out three days' grace to
four, and let me go to protest. I gradu-
ally drifted back into yesterday, then
day before, then into last week, and by
and by the comprehension came upon
me that, all solitary and alone, I was
lingering along in week before last, apd
the world was nut of sight. I seemed
to detect in mysel! a sort of sneaking
fellow feeling for the mummy in the
museum, and a desire to swap news
with hint- I went to the watch -maker
again. He took the watch all to pieces
while I waited, and then caul the barrel
was ".welled." He said he could reduce
it in three days. After this the watch
averaged well but nothing more. For
half a day it would go like the very mis-
chief, and keep up such a barking and
wheezing and whooping and sneezing
and snorting that I could not hear my-
self think fur the disturbance, and as
long as it held out there was nut a watch
in the land that stood any chance against I
it. But the rest of the day it would
keep on slowly down and fooling along
until all the clocks it had left behind
caught up again.
So at last, at the end of twenty-four
hours, it would trot up to the judges'
stand all right and just in time. It
would show a fair and square average,
and no man could say it had done more
or leu than its duty. But a correct
average is only a mild virtue in a watch,
and I took this instrument to another
watch -maker. He said the kingbolt was
broken. I said I was glad it was nothing
more serious. To tell the plain truth, I
had no idea what the kingbolt was, but
I did not choose to appear ignorant to a
stranger. He repaired the kingbolt, but
what the watch gained in one way it lust
in another. It would run awhile, and
then stop awhile. and then run awhile
again, and se on, using its own discretion
about the intervals. And every time it
went utf it kicked hack like a musket.
I padded my breast for a few days, but
finally took the watch to another watch- ,
maker. He picked it all to pieces, and
turned the ruin over and over under his
glass; and then be said there appeared
to be something the matter with the hair
trigger. He fixed it and gave itafresh start.
It did well now, except that always at
ten minutes t, ten the hands would shut
together like a sensors, and from that
time fortis they would travel together.
The oldest man in the world could not
make head or tail of the time of day by
such a watch. and so I went again to
have it repaired. This person said
that the crystal had got bent, and that
the main -spring was not straight. He
also remarked that part of the works
needed half -soling.
He made these things all right, and
then my time -piece performed unexcep-
tionably, save now and then, after work-
ing along quietly for eight hours. every-
thing inside would let go all of a sudden
and begin to buzz like • bee, and the
hands would straitway begin to spin
round and round so fast that their in-
dividuality was lost completely, and
they simply seemed a delicate spider's
web over the face of the watch. She
would reel off the nett twenty-four
hours in six or seven minutes, then atop
with • hang. I went with a heavy heart
to one more watch -maker, and looked on
while he took her - to pieces. Then 1
prepared to cross-question him rigidly,
for this thing was getting serious. The
watch had cost two hundred dollars
originally. and I seemed to have paid
out two or three thousand for repairs.
While I waited and looked on, I pre-
sently recognized in this wttchtnaker an
old acquaintance -a steamboat engineer
of other days, and not • good engineer
either. He examined all the parts care-
fully, jest as the other watch -makers
lad done, and then delivered his ',edict
with 1M wee eoalidenee of manner.
He mid: "BM drakes tee much steam
—you want to the monkey -wrench
au tthe sdt�-'tti'e !"
i birth him du the sant, and had
Tse braid at own expense.
m
� ega i/Wism (now deceased,
alas .) used tomthat a gond horse was
a good Meow it had nth awe ones,
and that a good watch was • ascots watch
the moires got a at it.
aAadl he used to wander what beesme of
all the tmsueoeofnl tinkers and ``nn -
smiths and shoemaker. and blacksmiths.
r,u1 nobody could ever tell him
Fun anti Fancy.
"My wife," remarked Fitanoodle, "is
fairly crazy ever the spring fashions
She's got the delirium trimmings."
Nothing sours more quickly than the
milk of huigtan kindness. Has this
thought Ever a curd toyout
Why does the new moon cumin() vi:e
of a giddy girl 1 Because she is two
young to show much reflection.
The postmaster at Redwood is named
Whitewood, and he is the only person in
the town who reads Blackwood.
Yes, the world's a stage and we are the
actors, but did you ever stop to think
how few of us ever receive an encore 1
"Sing a Song a Sixpence" dates from
the sixteenth century, and "Three
Blind Mice" is in a music book dated
1609.
It has been discovered that henpeck-
ed husbands are invariable men with
hairless lips. It takes a mustache to
awe a female.
The man who wrote that "nothing
was impossible" never tried to find the
packets in his wife's dress when it was
hanging up in a clothes -pleas.
Careful housewife (lifting from the
soup tureen): "La; who'd thought •
baby's shoe would turn up in the soup 1
But I knew it wasn't lost, I never Lose
anything !"
There was a young man of Palmyra.
:+at down alongside of hie Myra:
They badjust doused the ltm
When her parents came
And the young man achieved Hegira.
With the double runner at work thin-
ning out the small boys and thekertuene
can converting servant girls into angels,
the world bids fair to be a comfortable
place to live in.
"I curse the hour we were married !"
exclaimed an enraged husband to his
better half. To which she mildly re-
plied : "Don't my dear, for that was the
only happy hour we have ever spent.
"Tabaccy wanst saved my life, "said
Paddy Blake, an inveterate smoker.
"How was that 1" inquired his compan-
'on. "Oh, you aee, I was diggin' a well,
and came up for a good smoke, and,
while 1 was up, the well caved in !"
Valuable information from a batche-
lor : May is one of the unlucky months
for marriages. The other mouths are
January, February, March, April, June,
July, August, September, October,
November, and December.
"What's in a name 1" Ah, William,
you don't know everything, that's cer-
tain. Salt can be bought for a tew
cents -per quart; but call it chloride of
sodium, and the apothecary will mulch
you to the tune of half a dollar for one
pour scruple.
Petty Warders.
What a blessed thing it is that we can
forget ! To -day's troublea look large,
but a week Bence that will be forgotten
and buried out of sight. Says a writer :
If you would keep a book, and daily put
down the things that worry you, and see
what becomes of them, it would be a
benefit to you. You allow a fly to'settle
on you, and plague you, and you low
your temper, (or rather get it), for •vhen
men are surcharged with temper they
are said to have lost it ; and you justify
yourselves for being thrown off your bal-
ance by causes which you do not trace
out. But if you could see what it was
that threw you off your balance before
breakfast, and put it down in a little
book, and follow it up, and follow it out,
and ascertain what becomes of it, you
would see what a fool you were in the
matter. The art of forgetting is a bles-
sed art, but the art of overlooking is
quite as important. And if we should
take time to write down the origin, pro-
gress and outcome of a few of our trou-
bles, it would make us so ashamed of the
funs we make over then[, that we should
be glad to drop such things, and bury
them at once in eternal forgetfulness.
Life is too short to be worn out in petty
worryings, frettings, hatreds and vexa-
tions.
Burdock Blood Bitters cures Scrofula
and all humors of the Blood, Liver, Kid-
neys and the Bowels at the satire time,
while it allays nervous irritation and
and tones up the debilitated system. It
cures all humors from a pimple to the
worst form of Scrofula. For sale by all
dealers. Sample bottle 10 cents, regular
size $1.
Burdock Blood Bitter± is the best
Blood Purifier, Liver and Kidney Regu-
lator, and Restorative Tonic in the
world. It acts upon the Liver, the Kid
neys and the Bowels, curing all manner
of Bilious complaints, Kidney complaints
and diseases of the Blood. Ask your
Druggist for Burdock Blood Bitters.
Sample bottles 10 cents, regular size
•I.00.
Newspaper Law..
We call the special attention of lost -
masters and subscribers to the following
synopsis of the newspaper laws :
1. A postmaaeeer is required to give
notice b', hit- r returning a paper does
not answer the law) when a subscriber
does not take his paper out of the office,
and state the reasons for its not being
taken. Any neglect t, do so makes the
postmaster responsible to the publishers
for payment.
2. If any person orders his paper dis-
continued, he must pay all arrearage.,
or the publisher may continue to ssltd it
until payment is made, and collect the
whole amount, whether it be taken from
the office or not.. There can be no legal
discontinuance until the payment is
made.
3 Any person who takes a paper from
the poet-odos, whether dizvMd to his
MAW Of another, or whether he has sub-
scribed or not, is responsible tellies pay.
4. If a sabsaib.r omen histo
i be .1 a certain time, swi the
publisher oontinoes to send, the sob•
scriber is bound to pay for it if he takes
it wet of the post -Glee. This proceeds
upon
the ground that a man must pay for
wlwit hs
6 The enttrte have decided that refus-
ing to take a newspaper and periorlitals 1
from the post -office, or menoving ami
leaving them uncalled for. fa pr.o.rt futon
evidence .f intentional fr*tttl
nevi' =Cr..1 'r . 0I41M.
Iht iLtOn - until,
—FOR
THE BALANCE OF THE YEAR
-FuR-
7 5 CENTS
Now is the Time to SUBSCRIBE!
COUNTY NEWS A SPECIALTY,
THE RACIEST OF LOCALS,
LIVE EDITORIAL ARTICLES,
FULL REPORTS OF CURRENT EVENTS,
FULL TEXT OF IMPORTANT TOPICS,
CONDENSED ITEMS ON MINOR HAPPENINGS,
RELIABLE NEWS A PROMINENT FEATURE,
COMPLETE LATEST MA KKET REPORTS.
INT -Mw STORY_
fns" The Story, "A LIFE FOR A LIFE," which is 'ilk
�► at present being published in THE SIGNAL, '!Z
re- and which has excitettsuch abounding w- 'tib.
Wrest among its numerous readers, 'lei
we' will be concluded in four issues, "ice
w and will be followed by an- ilgt
„VD- other from the pen of -1111_
Vis? one of the very 'tom
ABLEST 1111ITERS OF T
THRILLLNG IN INTEREST,
MORAL IN SENTIMENT,
ELEVATING IN TONE.
1r
116.
Tn�Esi-11
LOOK FOR IT!
DON'T MISS IT!
SET
Ct ur ou i eat
THE WIDE-AWAKE NEWSPAPER OF HURON COUNT!.
A LIVE NEWSPAPER,
CAREFULLY EDITED, CLEANLY PRINTED, IND OF THE
SHARP, INCISIVE, SPICY ORDER
ONLY 75 BENTS.
FROM NOW UNTIL NEXT NEW YEAR'S DAY.
70= wOR=C.
THE SIGNAL possesses one of the bast JOBBING DEPART-
MENTS outside of the cities, and is prepared to do
ALL DESCRIPTIONS OF WORK,
AT RATES NOT TO BE BEATEN,
and of a quality which cannot be excelled.
POSTERS,
DODGERS,
LETTER HEADS,
BILL HEADS.
PAMPHLETS,
SHIPPING TAGS,
BUSINESS CARDS,
CALLING CARDS.
PROGRAMMES,
ENVELOPES.
PRICE LISTS,
'
&c., ac., &c.
TURNED OUT ON SHORT NOTICE and in the BEST STYLE.
All orders by mail promptly attended to.
McGILLICUDDY BROS.,
THE SIC -NAL.
GODERICIA, ONT.
May 276, 1881.
BLACKSMITHING AT SALTFORD. FLOWERS AND PLANTS.
John McIntyre ALEX. WATSON
Florist. South street. ',lakes to Inform the
lemPle of Gedariob and vicialtr, that he has
on hand • splendid assortment of
intimate his old
customers. and the
public generally
that he 1. once
more in running
order. and has set
up his forge at the
old stand, where
he will be pre-
pared to do all
Rrwqe MP
Is thole season. TM
O[`fSR.\L BLAI'K8](ITH1Nt3 & JORRiNG publle are Il-
se
tse Mmerly. vied to manna. tali sneak. tat
afore.-ehestmg s speciality. the earliest purchaser. bare
1'e7 ALEX. WATSON, South St.
P. S. -Alen for sale. a heatlag•pparat[u,oult-
ah, for amarrurs cnnMetfng of boiler, four -
tech pipes. and espaneton tank. 17M.
EE&UTIFU FLOWERING PUNTS
of almost every r•rletr. and also • choice
callectt n of
BEDDING PLANTS. AND SHRUBS,
and ail kinds of
1710C.+HITLMIX• rLL2tTli
Mrs. Mary Wingate,
tterwterty of t.odertch. later of Detroit.,
MILLINERY AND DRESS M.AKINO
establish num t on
t'orwer .f staa.sea dl ses.IT assess.. wear
IN atery% r«,.
with a fall assortment 4 Tlunttn end
t Negri ego Har., Ttarezite.
Frow.ter. Teta Lacs•
v,
RrLfxoe, T4rims,
Faison,
\ $LV*?* and DiIM1 Tarim**
BALI. Isi INN -TIED.
r-a.wn
MRS. WARNOCK
to remind het aumeroas enotornem. In
and around Gooden. that Rte has opened out
her aim etn,k ne
HAMILTON SUET, OPFOSITE
TRI:
COLBORNE HuTKL
and snlielt, a Qslttus�ee tof the it patrnna.e.
•s she taw M'IA duat>tlenee recommend her
eM+dsald Ntingli st elan In rvery pink -iliac
The of A C'AXltltov. as ars c,
pILSM t milliner Nee been •erurrd as a,
distant
• ALL rs ittlt'PtirrrrLit ntsrrip.
Wanted imnsadiauiy a nernber ise apprsw-
' dies to loam rio111.ser
t RamIIton +"-est 1,44111 Ane- t 9i Alt
h.,r, gnaws j71is,
Extensive Premises and Splendid New Stock.
G. BgRRY
CABINET „:;1 R SND III1IIERT
Hamilton Street, Code rich.
A good &asortment of Kitchen. Hed-room, Dining Room and Parlor Furniture, ouch as IR
bloc, (thaira thalr cane and wood seatedt Cupboards, Bed -steads, Mattreiors, Wash -Maeda
Lounges, dotal, %'bat -Nota, Looking Glasser.
N. B. -A complete assortment of Conine and Shrouds always on hand, also Hearses tor hire
at reasonable rater.
Picture Framing s apectalty.—A call solicited.
1751
G. HARRY
Red, White and Blue !
Acheson GEORGE Acheson
New Dress Goods, Gloves & Hosiery
JUST ARRIVED,
SEI.I.ING- CHEAP_
- B!)UND TO GIVE BARGAINS! 1751
MEDICAL HALL,
GODE RIC H.
F. JORDAN,
Chemist and Druggist,
MARKET SQUARE, GOIiERICH.
Wholesale and Retail Dealer in Drags Chemicals, Paints, Oils, Dye Stubs, Artist Color.
Patent Medicines. Horse and Cattle Medicines, Perfumery, Toilet Articles, Rc.,
Physicians' Prescriptions carefully dispensed. V]
Holiday Presents
At BUTLER'S
Photo and Autograph Albums in great variety, Work Boxes, Writing Desks, very
suitable for presents for Teachers and Scholars.
PESEi4TS FOR EVERYBODY. - ALL CAN BE SUITED.
Stock is New, very complete, and consists of Ladies' and Gents' Purses, China
Goods of all kinds, Ruby Goode, Vane in many patterns, Flower Pots,
Cups and Flowers,
China and Wax Dolls!
A Large Assortment:, Smokers' Sundries-Merschaunt Pipes and Cigar Holder
and Brier Pipes -100 Different Styles.
School Books, Miscellaneous Books,
Bibles. Prayer Books, Church Sermons, WESLEY', Hymn Books, Psalm Books,
&c.. &c. -Subscriptions taken for all the best Ereouse, Scares,
Isis, AMERICAN and CANADIAN Papers and
Magazines at Publishers lowest
rates -now is the time
to subscribe.
A full stock of School Books, for Teachers and High and Model School Student*
A11 will be sold cheap, and Patrons suited. I have a choice
and large selection of
Christmas and New Year's :lards! THE BESTEAPIS EVERTHAN SHEVER,OWN,
i ANE) C1{
At BUTLER'S.
Dominion Telegraph and Postage Stamp Office. :7111
" Dominion Carriage Works," Goodrich.
MORTON AND CRESSMAN
manufacturers of FIRST CLASS
CARRIAC-ES, BUG -G -IES, eto.
I tpp tsite Colborne Hotel. We solicit an examination of our vehicles.
RSPAIRINO PROMPTLY ATTENDED TO.
In Leaving Town
D wiah to return my thanks to the put*. fire their psteeetye dating the pe". and .ditch
the same in future, and to remind t`tem th.t 1 have lea a nils puma in charge of the
ha�lesa.
REPAIRING AND PICTURE FRAMING
will be don. net
g-IORT MIST NOTICE