The Wingham Advance-Times, 1936-04-23, Page 2PAGE TWO WINGHAM ADVANCE-TIMES Thursday, April 16th, 1936
The
Wingham Advance-Times
Published at
WINGHAM - ONTARIO
Every Thursday Morning by
The Advajice-Times Publishing
Addis Ababa this week. We often
wonder just what good it will do them
when and if they conquer Ethiopia.
Co,
HIGH SCHOOL EASTER
EXAM. RESULTS
Passed—(F. Currie, E. Coutts, 1,
Habkn^l, L». Blake.
Failed—L. Proctor, K. Murray, V.
Johnston, H. Miller, J. Moir, R. How-
son, K.Rintoul, G, Robertson.
Latin Authors
McKinnon, D. Reid,1—I.E.
Subscription Rate — One Year $2.00
Six months, $1,00 in advance.
Tp U» S. A., $2.50 iper year.
Foreign rate, $3.00 per year,
Advertising rates on application.
*
HAIL WAY GATES
Once again it has been recommend
ed that gates be installed at all dang
erous level crossings to cut down the
accident toll. The number of acci
dents at Level crossings is appalling
and something should be done about
this menace to highway transporta
tion.
All bus companies insist that their
drivers stop at all railway crossings
to insure the safety of the passeng^
ers and to save the company much
property damage. This system has
worked well for the bus companies.
The installation of gates at level
crossings would not only cost much
money but would entail a great ex
pense in having them properly man
ned. If all cars were compelled by
law to stop at railway crossings,
there would be no such accidents and
there would be little expenses attach
ed to the scheme.
S|i ifc
DIM YOUR LIGHTS
In this district this last few years
there has been several automobile ac
cidents caused by approaching cars
using glaring headlights. A driver of
a car is almost helpless when sudden
ly h'e is confronted with bright lights
and has to operate his car for a con
siderable distance with the handicap
of not being able to see the road pro
perly or see what is ahead of him.
This type of highway accident can
be easily eliminated if drivers would
dim their lights when approaching an
other car or vehicle. Be courteous to
your fellow driver. Dim your lights
,and help prevent accidents.
Rats at Ottawa ate some copies of
the nation-wide crop report. We are
wondering if it gave as big a stom
ach-ache as it did the farmers who
read the reports.
* # * *
Sanctions are squeezing Italian
trade ,also affecting the trade of many
nations. War always has the effect of
spoiling trade relations between coun
tries, which is their life-blood. Nd
matter from what angle you view war
it is a foolish business.
❖ -is s|s
Sometimes we are sure
bers elected to represent
.stituency have to do what they are
•told instead of what they think.
* * * ❖
‘Navigation has opened at the port
■of Goderich which is supposed to be
.a sure sign of Spring. It seems a
hard job to convince the weatherman
- that April is a spring month.
* * * *
Turkey has defied the treaty of
Lausanne by refortifying the Dardan
elles. It seems that treaties are like
New Year’s resolutions, just made to
be broken.
* * * *
Hon. David Croll has announced
bis opposition to the principle of
Hydro exemption from taxation. It
looks as if it will not be long until
Uydro is burdened with this addition-
;al expense.
* * * *
In Kansas they have a new pro
duct, corn dynamite. Most likely the
inventor got his idea from the kick
lhat is contained in corn whiskey.
, * * * *
^Premier Aberhart says he’ll con
found the criticis. If he successfully
puts over his $25 a month scheme
he surely will.
* * * *
Italy claims that they will enter
that mem-
their con-
FORM IV
English Composition
Class 1—B. Hamilton, D. Reid.
Class 2—M. Baird, E, Field, (L-
Henderson, M. Fry, I. Habkirk, R.
Howson), R. Mitchell, (F. Currie, V.
Johnston, I. McKinnon), H, Miller.
Class 3—W. Pickell, .
Credit—F. Coulter, K. Rintoul,A.
Underwood, M. Yuill, (J. Moir, B.
Mundy), (G. Greig, C. Nortrop),
Failed—M, Wright, L. Proctor, W.
Blake, J. Preston.
English Literature
Class 1—J, Pollock, B. Hamilton.
Class 2—L Habkirk, R. Howson, D.
Reid, (E. Field, I. McKinnon), (E.
Coutts, H. Miller,.
Class 3—J. Higgins, M. Baird, (F.
Coulter, V. Johnston), W. Pickell.
Credit—-L. Henderson, R. Mitchell,
(F. Currie, E. Elliott), A, Underwood,
G. Greig, (B. Mundy, L, Proctor),
Nortrop, (W. Blake, K. Rintoul).
Failed—J. Moir, M. Wright,
Brown, J. Preston, J, McX^ean,
Robertson.
French Authors
Class 1—D. Reid, B. Hamilton,
McKinnon.
Class 2—E. Field, R. Mitchell.
Class 3—E, Coutts, F. Coulter.
Credit—K. Rintoul, V. Johnston, H.
Miller, A. Underwood, I. Habkirk,
Howson.
Failed—M. Wright, E. Elliott,
Moir, C. Nortrop, L. Proctor,
French Composition
Class 1—I. McKinnon.
Class 2—D. Reid, (B. Hamilton,
Underwood).
Class 3—E .Field, R. Mitchell,
Coutts, L. Proctor.
Credit—R. Howson, I. Habkirk,
Coulter, H. Miller, K. Rintoul.
Failed—V. Johnston, E. Elliott, M.
Wright, C. Nortrop, J. Moir.
* Algebra’
Class 1—D. Reid, A. Underwood,
V. Johnston, J. Preston.
Class 2—E. Field, R, Mitchell.
Class 3—R. Howson, I..McKinnon.
Credit—B. Hamilton, W. Pickell,
F. Coulter.
Failed—J. Moir, I. Habkirk, G.
Greig, E. Elliott, E. Coutts, W. Blake,
K. Rintoul, C. Nortrop, L. Proctor,
F. Currie, H. Miller, M. Wright, B.
Mundy.
i
C.
G.
G.
I.
R.
J.
A.
E.
F.
Trigonometry
1— G. King, D. Reid.
2— I. McKinnon, G. Rob er t-
3—J. Higgins.
’ Class
Class
son.
Class
Credit—R. Howson, A. Underwood.
Failed—F. Coulter, E. Field, R.
Mitchell, I. Habkirk, V. Johnston, W.
Blake, E. Elliott, E. Coutts, G. Greig,
B. Hamilton.
Chemistry
Class 2—Wilfred Pickell, Dwight
Reid, George Robertson, Benson
Hamilton.
Class 3—Aileen Underwood, Isabel
McKinnon, Edith Field.
Credit—Flora Coulter,
Blake, Elgin Coutts, Ross
Kenneth Rintoul, Isabel
William
Howson,
Habkirk,
Frances Currie, William Craig, Edna
Elliott, Ruth Mitchell.
Failed—Verna Johnston, Gordon
Greig, Mary Wright, Catherine Nor-
trop, Helen Miller, Marion Fry,
sephine Moir, John Preston.
Greek Accidence
2— D. Reid.
3— I. McKinnon.
Class
Class
Passed—R. Mitchell.
Failed—J. Pollock.
Greek Authors
1— I. McKinnon.
2— D. Reid.
3— R. Mitchell.
Jo-
Class
Class
Class
Failed—J. Pollock.
Latin Composition
1— I. McKinnon, D. Reid.
2— R. Mitchell) E. Elliott, E.
Class
Class
Field.
Class 3—F. Coulter, B. Hamilton.
jwraMinnnnnnnBMnMMMnang
I Maitland Creamery |
E
Class
Coutts.
Class , ____
Passed—R. Mitchell, E, Elliott, B,
Blake,
Failed—F. Currie, V.‘Johnston, L.
Proctor, N. Miller, E. Martin, B.
Hamilton, I. Habkirk, K, Murray, G.
Robertson, K. Rintoul, R. Howson,
J. Moir.
Ancient History
Class 1—D. Reid, E. Field, E.
Coutts, I. McKinnon, V, Johnston, A,
Underwood.
Class 2—W.
Ciass 3—E,
Habkirk.
Passed—W.
Rintoul, R. Howson.
Failed—G. Greig,
Mitchell, J. Moir, G.
Hamilton, B. Blake, M. Fry, J. Pres
ton, C. Nortrop, L. Proctor.
FORM V
Modem History
Class 1—J. Higgins, J. Campbell,
G. King.
Class 2—C. Hetherington, (W.
Craig, D. Fortune).
Class 3—F. Higgins, M. Yuill.
Credit—K. Murray, I. Kelly,
Townend.
Failed—J. McLean.
French Authors
Class 1—G. King, J. Pollock,
Townend, M. Baird.
Class 2—W. Craig, J. Campbell,
Higgins, M. Yuill.
Class 3—C. Hetherington.
Credit—(D. Fortune, L. Hender
son), J. Higgins, G. Brown.
Failed—J. McLean, G. Robertson.
French Composition
Class 1—G. King.
Class 2—J. Campbell.
Class 3—M. Baird, F. Higgins, K.
Townend, W. Craig.
Credit—L. Henderson, J. McLean,
(J. Pollock, M. Yuill), D. Fortune.
Failed—(C. Hetherington, G. Rob
ertson), J. Higgins, G. Brown.
Latin Composition
1— J. Pollock.
2— J. Campbell.
3—E,Field, F, Coulter.
Pickell, M. Wright.
Elliott, F,Coulter, I,
Craig,H.
F.
Miller,
Currie,
Robertson,
K.
R.
B.
K.
K.
F.
r
Class
Class
Passed—Mary Baird.
Failed—W. Craig, D. Fortune,
Townend.
Latin Authors
Class 1—J. Pollock.
Class 3—Mary Baird.
Passed—J. Campbell.
Failed—D.
Townend.
Fortune, W. Craig,
Physics
Campbell.Class 1—J.
Class 2—G. King, K. Murray.
Class 3—D. Fortune.
Failed—C. Hetherington.
Algebra
K.
K.
Class 1—J. Campbell, G. King.
Class 2—C.
Class 3—D. Fortune.
Credit—L. Henderson.
Failed—J. McLean, J. Higgins,
Baird, K. Townend.
Geometry
Class 1—J. Campbell.
Class 2—F. Higgins.
Class 3—G. King.
Credit—M. Yuill, D. Fortune,
Kelly, C. Hetherington.
Failed—K. Murray; G. BrOwn.
Chemistry
Class 1—John Campbell, George
King.
Class 3—Lloyd Henderson, Carman
Hetherington.
Credit—Myrtle Yuill, John Mc
Lean, Donald Fortune.
Failed—George Brown, Kenneth
Murray.
Hetherington. '
M.
I.
Botany
Class 2—Lloyd Henderson, George
King, John Campbell, Ferrol Higgins.
Credit—Joseph Higgins, Carman
Hetherington, John McLean.
Failed—Myrtle Yuill, Kenneth
Murray, Ida Kelly.
Zoology
Class 2—George King, Joseph Hig
gins, Lloyd Henderson.
Class 3—Ferrol Higgins.
Credit—Kenneth Murray, Carman
Hetherington.
Failed—Myrtle Yuill, Ida
John McLean.
Kelly,
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^Constipation ■ due to insufficient “btzZfc.”
dering into the great tent, I gazed
interestedly about, Almost at once I
saw a sign, Mary Wright, the Thin
nest Woman in the World. I scratch
ed my head perplexedly. How could
she be? This was worth looking into.
I w.ent over, paid my five pence, and
entered the smaller tent, It was
Mary and she was thin, very thin, ex
ceedingly so. "Why Mary,” I said, as
soon as opportunity presented*itself,
"What a surprise this is; I'm inex
pressibly shocked.” Mary became
peeved at this, and therefore I left.
I joined a curious throng gathered
about a huge cage, the bars of which
were six inches through. Its inmate
was announced as, The Red-Headed
Sphinx, the Conundrum of the Ages,
made famous by Pop-Eye. Those
flaming, flowing locks, that long pre-
sensile jaw surely were, familiar? Yes,
you’ve guessed correctly, it was Tory
Greig. At once I was back in W.H.S.
and heard a voice saying “Greig, I
don’t know what you’re taking Eng
lish for!”
In another section of the great tent
Dwight Reid was rolling playfully ar
ound with a menagerie of wild ani
mals—lions, tigers, bears, and, most
surprising of all, a giraffe. I asked
him why he had the giraffe. "Well,”
he said,-“there are no trees to climb,
and I must have something to run up
when my pets become peevish.”
Wandering around, suddenly I
heard a sibilant whisper. It was pro
ceeding from Edith 'Field, and she on
her knees. “Please forgive. Last week
I flirted once, and this week I wink
ed twice.” I hurried on, and I still
don’t know what she did in the cir
cus.
I left the tent. Next day I sailed
for. Egypt on my>way to the East.
Nothing of any note happened on
boardship during the voyage. On
reaching Alexandria, I immediately
entrained for Cairo. At sunset there,
equipped with binoculars, I set out
for a night visit to the pyramids.
From every mosque floated the high,
clear tones of the Mohammedan
call-to-prayer/ Suddenly I stopped; I
could hear a ferqinine voice calling
with the rest—the unchanging East is
changing. Locating the spot the
sound was coming from, I trained the
glasses upon it an "beheld—Isobel
Habkirk. “Dear, dear,” thought I,
"the training of early days, the train
ing of early days.”
The next day I took a boat up the
Nile. I wished to visit the land of
the Fuzzy-Wuzzies. When we reach
ed the first cataract of the Nile, we
disembarked and took a train around
the falls^ I was sitting on the obser
vation platform, when I saw someone,
in what strongly resembled a packing
box, shoot the falls. "There,” said a
neighbour, “goes Larrupin Lloyd
Henderson, the famous packing-box
rapids shooter. His is a curious case.
He is said to have gained the craze
from being a boatman in a skit put
on in High School.’L
I arrived at El-Kataran, the chief
town of the Fuzzy-Wuzzies the fol
lowing day.. While wandering around
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8
Phophet’s Address
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Wlngham, * ’ - Ontario.
Phone 271 ■■
The following is the Prophet’s Ad
dress given at the last meeting of the
High School Literary.
It is the year 1967.
"Yes, I’ll tell you of my trip,
friends. But first, draw nearer to the
fire and make yourselves comfort
able.” When the cigars were draw
ing nicely and to everyone's satisfac
tion, I continued. "You know that I
just wandered about, going where my
fancy dactated, following no set plan
or schedule. For this reason, if my
tale should seem rather disconnected,
and wandering, you will know that
it is because my journey was just
thus.” I paused a moment, and then:
"I sailed from Montreal, The trip
down the St Lawrence was lonely<
the moonlit view of distant shores and
intervening waters gorgeous. I was
sitting at the rail of the first deck,
gazing at the aforesaid beauty, when
I heard a murmur of voices along
side. I looked up. It was Flora Coul
ter and Isobel McKinnon. “This is a
pleasant surprise,” I said rising, “are
you fellow passengers?” “Oh, no,”
said Flora, “we’re cabin stewardesses.
We shouldn’t be here, and if we were
to be caught . . .” she shivered. “But
it’s so romantic on deck.” “Yes, tarn
est pulchrum,” said Isobel. I soon
gathered that this was a very rash
and gallant escapade—the very essen
ce of True Store Magasinism. “That
moon is divine,” continued the coo
ing voice in my ear. "Yes, tarn div-
ina,” came the echo. "The perfect
night for dreaming, and romance, and
love.” /‘Yes, yes, est carissimus.” I
have always been very impressionable
and by then my senses were reeling
—the moon, the quiet night, the swish
of waters, romance, and the Latin
were too much. I felt myself slipping,
slipping, slipping. A well-nigh oe’r-
mastering urge seized hold of me.
’Twould be so easy to slip quietly be
tween them as they leaned against
the rail—the moon was very beautiful
then, the breeze a caress, and that
dimple was bewitching. I sidled clos
er. I gazed soulfully into their eyes,
each in turn. Flora giggled, Isobel
said, “Venite.” The spell was broken.
With a despairing sob I raced across
the deck. The sharks were cheated
out of another meal.
The Atlantic was rough and heav- the streets, I caught a .glimpse of
ed terribly. I was not rough, but I | someone squatting on the -ground,
did heave. My cabin steward was an
affable, talkative fellow. He knew, he
said, a fellow from Wingham, Bill
Craig. Did I-’know him? I assured
him I did. Craig, he had first met
in Liverpool. When last heard of,
Bill was one of the band of the Or
iginal Forty Thieves, working on the
road from Jericho to Jerusalem. Bill
was well known locally as the Purse-
Lifting Samaritan, and a good one,
at that.
The remainder of the voyage was
uneventful, the ship reaching Liver
pool where I stayed for several days.
Wandering along the docks, one day
I saw a sign above the threshold of
a pub — The Wingham Arms. Fas
cinated I hurried forward. Who could
the owner be? I entered. Fat, and
fair, and jolly, the proprietress stood
behind the bar, I stepped up “Two
and one, ma’am,” says I. It was Ca
therine Nortrop. “What brought you
to such a pass, Catherine?” I asked.
She dilated at great length Upon di
verse misfortunes, btit the gist of the
matter was that
now she had to
Poor Art!
We began to
of the W.H.S. in the good old days,
"Say,” I asked, "Do you know what
became of Mary Baird?” "She is the
founder and president of a society for
the supression of yawns. . . And did
you hear about Myrtle Yuill?” I said
that I hadn’t. "Myrtle is a chemist.
She is working for the C.LL. and re
cently produced a chicken feed known
as Yrtle Yuill’s Egg-Producing Pow
der, A while ago, some gangsters ra-
ckateered the sale of the powders, so
now she’s working on a Yegg Ex
terminating ,Powder.”
I notlccid a huge poster' on the wall
advertising the "Only All-Caandian
Citctis in the World.” Catherine no
ticed my interest. "You should go,”
she said, "half of Wingham is in it,
I think,” With a final clinking of
glasses and a merry farewell from
Catherine, away I went.
The elrctis was easily found, Wan-
the bank had failed;
gain her own living,
talk of the, students
surrounded by a group of Fuzzies.' I
drew nearer and became as rapt in
my attention as the natives. The man
had a mirror before him, one behind
him, and one on each side. He was
cutting his hair with a pair' of hand
clippers. It was Ross Howson. I hur
ried forward. “Why, Howson,” I said
—just that and no more. He looked
up, seemingly not surprised to see me.
He said that the British Government
was trying to civilize the Wuzzies,
and' that he had been commissioned
to introduce hair-cuts as the first
step. “Well, I know that you had
leanings towards the trade in your
High School days,” I remarked, "but
I really didn’t think that you would
become a part of the firm.” My time
was up; I said good-bye and rushed
away' to a waiting plane.
My destination was Bucktee, in the
country of the Udbugs. Here I de
termined to remain for a night and
put up at the Rubbly Hotel. Imagine
my surprise to see Mike Robertson
as the Maitre d’Hotei. Mike really
had a nice place. The meal was ex
quisite: jelled elephant, fried tiger
stripes, and palm-leaves steeped in
old Home Brew. Mike told me sev
eral interesting facts, among which
was that Frances Currie had taken up
professional dancing, and was then in
the neighboring territory of Whoopee
teaching Sulton Whoops the tango
and the rhumba. Furthermore, Heleti
Miller was a big game huntress and
was, at that time, after baboons by
the "gray, green, greasy Limpopo.”
Bang! Bang! Bang! went the guns.
I flew from Bucktee to Capetown,
and from thettce to Calcutta, Afghan
istan, and over the Himalayas into
China by the back door, Many inter
esting things happened on the way,
but my tale Is a lengthy one, and
therefore I’ll take you diredtly to Pe
kin, where I next saw some former
W.H.S. students.
From the airdrome on the edge of
the city, i took a bus into the heart
of Pekin. Traffic was very dense, far
exeeeding that of the largest cities
of the Occident. I took the largest
her one-time
was lead by
Donald For
and most patronized hotel in the city,
because I Had been told that it was
run by a former W.H.S. student. Sure
enough, Edna Elliott played the part
of hostess. I was shocked by her ap
pearance. She had aged, incredibly so
—-it was rumoured about that the
dread scourge of China, opium, had
played the havoc with
fulsome beauty.
The dapce orchestra
George (Wayne) King,
tune was in it, as was Carman Heth
erington. King was all in .a funk. I
asked his trouble. He had been for
bidden to play his saxophone in Pek
in, he said. China was going modern
but a saxaphone was one innovation
that the officials protested. “Oh,
well,” I consoled him, "you must re
member that you’re in the Forbidden
City now, and not in Belgrave.” Car
men Hetherington was the blues sing
er. Just then he was very blue, home
sick. His voice had taken on a deep,
hoarse tone, quite unlike the high,
clear notes of old. He had been
stricken, he said, with the measles,
and they had settled in his throat.
Lumps had come, not behind his ears,
but on his Adam’s Apple. His theme
song was “I’m just a Lonely Hopper,
hopping Back Home to You.” For
tune had given up his violin to play
upon a teeny-weeny reed flute. My
goodness, I thought, reeds must be
fascinating things.
In Sydney, Australia, I. went to a
theatre whose main feature was bill
ed as, John MacLean, in "The Man
From Down Under.” John MacLean,
florid, handsome, and debonair, the
idol of a million fans, moving lightly
through the lurid night-life of Aus
tralia’s underworld, hob-nobbing with
dukes and counts, gangsters, and
beautiful women. I was indesribably
moved; I became a most rabid fan
myself.
Deciding upon a tour of northern
New Zealand, I sailed to Auckland.
Approaching the region of hot
springs and geysers, I saw huge
signs everywhere advertising, John
Campbell’s Hot Mud Baths; guaran
teed to build up weight if you are
underweight, to reduce poundage if
overweight. Being underweight, I de
cided to visit the mud baths—What a
fraud they were! Dear, dear, to think
that such a high-souled idealist, as
John once was, should become so dis
illusioned as to perpetrate such a
hoax upon innocent tourists. I took
his baths hoping to gain weight; I
left a lein, emaciated, tottering
wreck.
Needing a chance to regain my
shattered health, I sailed away to
Manihiki Island, famous for its salub
rious climate. Upon this island, Bill
Blake, emulating the Rajah of Born
eo, had set himself up as ruler. Here,
the once woman-shy Bill holds a reg
al court surrounded by a regular haf-
ent. He’s a real polygamist, is Bill.
Well, to make a long story short, I
remained for several weeks enjoying
the . . climate? . , very much.
Leaving Manihiki, I sailed the
trackless Pacific to* Hawaii. I wished
to see Honolulu. Well, I saw Hono
lulu and then set out into the inter
ior of the Island. While there, I came
across Marion Fry selling Wear ’Em
Silk. Shirts. Her firm, Marion said,
was endeavoring to get every native
girl to wear one of their silk shirts,
instead of the home-grown grass on
es. "That may be all very well,” I
said, “But to my eye they lose much
of their appeal.”
I went from here to Lima, Peru,
and from there, I took a plane over
the Andes, following the many wind
ings of the great Amazon to its
mouth, turning north here to Rio de
Janeiro. In the hotel lobby, the sec
ond night, I met’John Preston. "Well
well, John,”, says I, “and how be’s
you? Say, what are you doing here?”
"Oh, I’m running an immigration
scheme to get settlers from Ireland.”
“Oh, the Irish!” “Yes, you know, the
O’Malleys, the Finnigans, and the
O’Tooles.” "I knew that you had gone
over to the Irish in your school days,
I said, "but her name wasn’t O’Toole.
It was more closely connected with a
certain green necktie.” The dinner
crokodile teeth
delicious,
good. I asked
latter. Kelly’s
excellent, the
spaghetti were
was especially
supplied the
The
was
with
milk
‘ who
Dairy, I was told. Kelly’s Dairy? Ir
ish sure enough! It was run by a
girl from Wingham, Ida Kelly. Dear,
dear, I thought, another of Preston’s
■importations.
The hour is late — I shall finish
the tale another time. But first, let
us pledge o-urselves before you leave.
OFFERS LIFE TO SCIENCE
Charles Smith, discharged soldier of
Winnipeg ,without kin, who offers in
the interest of science to allow a
“Black Widow” spider to bite him.
He does not particularly want to live,
he says. The spider is at the Univer
sity of Manitoba.
Timid Wife (to husband who has
fallen asleep at the wheel): “I don’t
mean to dictate to you, George, but
isn’t that bill-board coming at us aw
fully fast?”
AFTER EVERY
/WEAL
V/GEST/ON